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cooldude345
October 25th, 2009, 07:09 PM
Pokemon: Great adventures


Prologue


“The time has come” Said Cyrus, over the whipping wind. “And this time,” Said Cyrus, looking at the boy He kidnapped, “We won’t have any unwelcomed Guests…” The boy struggled. “I stopped you before, and I will do it again!” Said the boy in an irritated voice. “Oh It’s far too late for that,” Said Cyrus, Staring deep into the boys eyes. “The plan is too far along. “Where are my pokemon? Are they hurt?” Inquired the boy, tears welling up in his eyes. “Oh, we made sure that they will never be hurt again. So don’t cry little boy.” Said Cyrus, Grinning at him evilly. “No!” Cried the boy. “You will pay for this!” Cyrus walked over to a lever. “You should be thanking me… After all, you get a first row seat to The beginning of the end!” He pulled the lever. The circle team galactic found in ancient ruins started to glow as one of the grunts put a fossil, also found in ancient ruins, in the middle. The fossil started to glow and shape shift. It soon shifted into a small pink creature with a long slim tail. “It worked!” Shouted Cyrus. “I can finally fulfill my dream!”

Please tell me if i should continue...

EDIT: Can a mod move this? i just realised i put itin the wrong section.

Astinus
October 26th, 2009, 01:41 PM
Your grammar needs quite a bit of improvement in order to help your story. Firstly, even just proper paragraph spacing would help gain readers, because your story wouldn't be just one giant paragraph when it needs to be more than one. For paragraphing, you hit the Enter button twice (on forums) to create a new paragraph whenever someone speaks, or when talking about a new subject.

There's also the matter that you have missing punctuation marks and random capitalization. Like here:

“The time has come” Said Cyrus, over the whipping wind. “And this time,” Said Cyrus
You have the comma correctly in the second line of dialogue (though "said" isn't supposed to be capitalized), but you missed it for the first line. So you missed the proof-reading step before you posted this, since if you had read this over, you would have seen that.

There's a couple of other instances where you either missed punctuation, capitalized dialogue tags, capitalized what doesn't need to be capitalized ("you get a first row seat to The beginning of the end"), and didn't capitalize what needed to be capitalized ("The circle team galactic found in ancient ruins").

I'd suggest that you take your time writing your story. Write it, save it, read it over again before posting, maybe have someone else read it over before posting, and preview your post before actually submitting it. This way, a lot of the basic mistakes that I found here could have be avoided.

There's also the matter of what's going on in this story. Why did Cyrus kidnap random Pokemon trainer, and kill the kid's Pokemon, just to have one witness to him reviving Palkia? (I'm not really really sure on this, since I haven't looked at Cyrus in years, but I don't think he's stereotypically Mister "I has an evil laugh I kill Pokemon yay!" bad guy. I mean, dude doesn't like any emotions and his dialogue from the games isn't peppered with exclamation marks. But meh.)

What I'm trying to say is that you also need to take some time and set up the story. How'd the kid end up there? He says that he's met Cyrus before, but what was different in the last battle before he was kidnapped that allowed that to happen? And at any rate, where are they where Palkia can just form from a fossil and not cause massive amounts of damage?

Again, I say take your time writing. Don't post unless the story is the best you can make it. Read other fanfics to get an idea of how things work in fanfics. There are also a few guides in the Writers Lounge subforum you can read through to get some ideas and advice.