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Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 06:15 PM
Well I just wrote this and it's a tad sad.Sorry if it upsets someone or anything like that.

No Matter How It Ends

No matter how we do this,
No matter how it ends,
I can no longer call you my friend,
A friend is someone whom I can trust,
And I'm afraid that I can't trust you.

Pains and sorrows,
Joys and good times,
All of it is now left behind,
Lost but not forgotten,
Our friendship dies,
Even if it is only in my eyes.

We now shall part ways,
I refuse to shed a tear,
Tears only deepen my weaknesses and fears,
One day far off,
When we pass each other by,
I doubt I'll talk to you,
But you will still catch my eye.

Friends then lovers,
Broken apart now,
It didn't matter how we ended it,
And you know,
I can no longer call you my friend.

Kelsey
December 10th, 2004, 07:19 PM
Awwwwws, it's so sad! ;-; I did feel the theme of the poem, which is good. I feel that you can maybe fix up some of the stanzas, just to make it a little less choppy. But, you don't have to take my advise. XD I think it's a wonderful poem, nice work, Angel. ^_^

~Kelsey

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 07:31 PM
Thanx,Kelsey.I might work on it more some other time.

Gardy
December 10th, 2004, 07:34 PM
Wow that was amazing. It made me cry and I feel like poem too. You are a good writer *rates 4/5*

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 07:37 PM
Thanx much,Gardy.I didn't mean for it to make anyone cry though.

Gardy
December 10th, 2004, 07:42 PM
It wasn't a bad cry like hurt or anything it was so beautiful!

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 07:44 PM
oh ok.That's good then.^^

~Ozy~
December 10th, 2004, 08:26 PM
It needs major work, even from a free-verse standpoint. Poetry is very emotional, yes, but there's also a technical aspect. The outpouring of emotion is simply the first step, I typically spend at LEAST three to four hours revising my stuff before I even THINK of finalizing it. Every word in a poem must be carefully chosen for how it relates to the rest of the poem as a whole. A single misplaced word can ruin the effect. Revise it, add a less-typical sentence structure, try to aadd a bit of rhythm. It has a lot of potential and I'd like to see it get there.

This isn't to say it's horrible, though. It's very emotionally touching, it just needs better presentation.

2/5

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 08:29 PM
Um....thanx....I think....

~Ozy~
December 10th, 2004, 08:32 PM
Oh, I'm not trying to insult it or you by any means. If you want some help, I'd be more than willing. I'd like to help you improve as a poet.

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 08:34 PM
oh ok.Well then thanx.You'd help me improve?Really?

~Ozy~
December 10th, 2004, 08:38 PM
Really. I may be a bit anal about rhyme and rhythm, but I'd love to help.

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 08:41 PM
Really. I may be a bit anal about rhyme and rhythm, but I'd love to help.
That'd be great!

Kyosuke
December 10th, 2004, 09:24 PM
It seemed like you had a friend and you aren't friends anymore, it becomes obvious to the reader after reading just once, which is always a good sign and I overall enjoyed reading it.

Like it was said earlier, a few stanza's could use a bit of work (just the 2nd and last), but don't take comments like this too seriously that it offends you, we're just trying to help out ^^.

Angel Tabitha
December 10th, 2004, 09:31 PM
I don't normally take the comments so seriously that it offends me.

Kylie-chan
December 11th, 2004, 01:38 AM
Oh... so... nice! It hits me... hard. Oh! [irl and online it means something to me]

nice job!

~DP

Jeremy
December 11th, 2004, 06:45 AM
Wow, that's sad... Nice job sweetie. ^.^
9.9/10 ^.^;

Brittany
December 11th, 2004, 01:12 PM
Really sad and well-written.
9.94596/10

darkblastoise89
December 11th, 2004, 01:21 PM
it is sad....but i agree with Britt, it is well-written ^ ^ [glomps]

Angel Tabitha
December 12th, 2004, 11:20 AM
Wow.It's nice ta know so many people like this poem.^^

White Christmas Kitsune
December 17th, 2004, 01:32 PM
That poem is really great..All of it (except the last stanza thingie) applies to my ex-best friend and me. My boyfriend cheated on me with her and she did it out of spite because she couldn't get a boyfriend so she had to steal mine..But enough of my rambling. This is supposed to be a critique. XD Back to critiquing.
I think this is a really great poem; it sounds like you wrote it when you were feeling extremely sad or angry or a mixture of the two..I find it's always easier to write poems when your emotions are at a high >.> But I really like this poem..keep writing ^.^

Angel Tabitha
December 17th, 2004, 04:25 PM
That poem is really great..All of it (except the last stanza thingie) applies to my ex-best friend and me. My boyfriend cheated on me with her and she did it out of spite because she couldn't get a boyfriend so she had to steal mine..But enough of my rambling. This is supposed to be a critique. XD Back to critiquing.
I think this is a really great poem; it sounds like you wrote it when you were feeling extremely sad or angry or a mixture of the two..I find it's always easier to write poems when your emotions are at a high >.> But I really like this poem..keep writing ^.^
Thanks Kitsune.

flame_chi
December 18th, 2004, 01:51 PM
thats a very good poem..
its very good 10/10

Angel Tabitha
December 18th, 2004, 04:52 PM
Thanx much,flame.Oi,I still havent found time to work on it at all. ><

Elite Four Lance
December 21st, 2004, 10:11 AM
Well, it is a good poem but sad as well.

Midori Chi
December 22nd, 2004, 02:32 PM
Whoa! Pretty good! It sounds a little gothic but..other than that....Me likes it!

otakugirl14
December 22nd, 2004, 02:49 PM
It's very beautifully written, and it still shows the sadness with in. Good job!

Midori Chi
December 22nd, 2004, 03:01 PM
Yeah! What she said! ......I still like it!

Angel Tabitha
December 22nd, 2004, 08:23 PM
Thanks you guys!Jeez.This is the most attention any of my poems has ever gotten.I can't believe people are still looking at one of my poems.