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Bluerang1
July 17th, 2011, 10:59 AM
Think about the children!

This has been brought up before but let's discuss it again. Do you think divorce is selfish, to children of the parents that is? The people get into marriages knowing full well that they'll have kids, but somewhere down the line, after having these kids, they split up. Should they not have married in the first place? Or have kids at that? Discuss.

I'm looking at you J-Lo. Tut.

NightOfRemorse
July 17th, 2011, 11:18 AM
Well, what if the couple didn't think they would get split up? They could have been getting along great before, but things happen and people change. I think that if they are constantly fighting all the time, it's better for them to divorce and move on than to try to stay together and then fighting in front of the kids. That would just be a bad example, imo.

Pokemon Game Fan
July 17th, 2011, 11:20 AM
Yes. It's totally selfish, if they were going to divorce, they shouldnt have had kids in the first place. Having kids is basically the lock on the marriage.

Oryx
July 17th, 2011, 11:28 AM
Divorce is selfish, of course. You're thinking about your happiness when you divorce. But not all selfish is bad. Although it usually brings to mind a horrible person ignoring other people, etc, etc, just thinking about yourself isn't inherently bad.

Things happen. People fall out of love. As long as the divorce isn't the nastiest thing on the face of the earth, your kid will bounce back 95% of the time. Especially if it's a mutual decision and it's nasty, while your kids will be saying "my parents divorced", it's probably better for them to live with divorced parents than to live with parents with complete tension.

Miss Doronjo
July 17th, 2011, 11:42 AM
I remember when my parents were divorced when I was about 4-5 years old, I used to be really angry towards my mother, since she told me to: "forget about dad, he'll be fine." Of course, I was too young to understand what was going on -- when I got older, my mother used to tell me that dad never really supported me, nor he was a good father figure; he was always gambling in the race track.

But even so, mother and father still loved me very much; they didn't want me to be in an environment where there was tension between two people in the family everyday. So my answer: Yes, I think its selfish, but not all marriages are worth preserving. Even so, a child can still visit their mother and father any time.

Gold warehouse
July 17th, 2011, 12:21 PM
I think it's selfish to expect two people to stay married when one or both of them doesn't want to be.

Ideally most people wouldn't have kids anyway! But as it is some people decide they want them regardless. At least it gives material for condom commercials.

Better to be brought up by one happy parent than two arguing parents.

Kenshin5
July 17th, 2011, 12:35 PM
If the relationship is unable too work and there is constant fighting, I don't see why the people should subject themselves to that. Yes they may have a kid, but what is stopping them from having joint custody of their child or children? If they want they can have the kids spend time equally with one another then I don't see why not. I'd rather have the kids have parents separated then them having to deal with a volatile relationship between their parents.

Aorio
July 17th, 2011, 02:43 PM
Of course, it depends on the situation.
My mother left my dad when I was about 4 months old. She just found someone else, was cheating on my dad, and one day got up and left. I'll never forgive her for that. My life will never be the same -- I have NEVER had a mother. She didn't even want to try to be one to me.
I believe that parents should ALWAYS try what they can to make things work. There are situations where it absolutely cannot work, for whatever reason, and the atmosphere of the household completely changes. That scars the children too. In that case, I think it's mature to say, well, we've tried what we can, but we're hurting ourselves and our children, and we should separate.

But in a case where, say, in a moment of weakness, a husband cheated on his wife. I think, in a case where there's children involved, it would be VERY selfish for a wife to just get up and leave. They can get marriage counseling, maybe it was really just a one-time moment-of-weakness sort of deal, and over time relationship and trust can be repaired. It really just depends on the situation. Children have a right to grow up with both a loving mother AND father.

Kyoko
July 17th, 2011, 02:52 PM
I'm actually going to say no, it's not selfish. Like some other people said, it depends on the situation: obviously if you're in an abusive relationship or someone cheated, no it's not selfish to get out of that if you deserve much better.

Back when I was younger, my parents fought so bad and did so daily. It got to the point where I didn't want to come home because I always came home to everyone unhappy. So for those who say "think about the children!" sometimes, getting the children out of that type of hostile and tense environment is best. I actually flat out asked my parents to just divorce because I couldn't deal with it anymore. If you're in that type of situation, it isn't selfish to get divorced because the parents fighting does directly hurt the kids too if they witness it constantly. Luckily my parents worked it out over a long period of time and everyone is happy, but not all couples can do this.

you have one life, spend it with someone you want. not someone who makes you miserable or cheats on you.

groteske
July 17th, 2011, 02:54 PM
Flaws that both partners had previously accepted about each other can be exacerbated when a child is introduced. Child-rearing and the added financial & time burden is extremely stressful, and not everyone has the coping mechanisms to deal with it. I wish more married couples would think more critically and realistically before committing to raising a child. God knows not everyone who wants a kid should have one.. but some couples don't think that through.

Divorcing to keep the child from living among tension isn't selfish. Couples who bear children without being prepared for the commitment are.

Shining Raichu
July 17th, 2011, 04:12 PM
No, divorce is not selfish. I think it is far more selfish to stay in an unhappy marriage and force the children to live in an unhappy home. However, even if it was selfish - so what? Why does everything have to be about the children? Just because you've had children, it doesn't mean you cease to exist and it certainly doesn't mean that your happiness matters any less than theirs does.

Åzurε
July 17th, 2011, 05:51 PM
No, divorce is not selfish. I think it is far more selfish to stay in an unhappy marriage and force the children to live in an unhappy home. However, even if it was selfish - so what? Why does everything have to be about the children? Just because you've had children, it doesn't mean you cease to exist and it certainly doesn't mean that your happiness matters any less than theirs does.

But then does that mean your happiness matters more than anyone else's? More a general statement that a topic-specific one.

I think that far too many divorces are selfish and self-inflicted. Not all of them, but more often than not they are. A lot of it comes down to deceit and unwillingness to cooperate. When people enter a marriage without full honesty between them, when secrets are kept before or during the marriage, and when the secret is no longer a secret at all and one or the other spouse isn't willing to make changes or talk it out... That's when everything gets ruined.

I've never once seen a clean split. They may exist somewhere, but not where I've been. Kids or no, everything is not hunky-dory after a divorce, it's too deep a relationship to expect that.

Nuke
July 18th, 2011, 07:12 AM
Yes. It's totally selfish, if they were going to divorce, they shouldnt have had kids in the first place. Having kids is basically the lock on the marriage.

A lot of the time the kids come first.

I don't really think its selfish. If they don't want to be partners anymore why should they be forced to? They can still care for the kids.

Stormbringer
July 19th, 2011, 07:46 AM
So a woman who divorces her abusive husband out of fear for her and her children's' safety is selfish? Or the other way around.


Yeah no.

Blue Nocturne
July 19th, 2011, 09:30 AM
I'd rather my parents divorced and lived happily on their own (or with someone else) than be forced to watch them live together miserably... especially if I knew I was the only reason they were staying together.

G.U.Y.
July 19th, 2011, 10:22 AM
Yes, it is. What's wrong with that? It's your life. :| Kids don't matter, the other person doesn't matter. If you don't love the person, don't stay married.

Yes. It's totally selfish, if they were going to divorce, they shouldnt have had kids in the first place. Having kids is basically the lock on the marriage.

I don't know if you know this, but people aren't psychic. They don't know what will happen in the future. Love is not eternal, well, it can be, but it isn't always. They might be completely in love then have kids and no longer be in love.

Or how about this, they accidentally get pregnant. Put it up for adoption/abortion is the solution in your case, following your logic.

Freedom Fighter N
July 19th, 2011, 01:47 PM
So when kids are added into the formula, the two other people who were there can be completely disregarded. I don't get it.

If you were thoughtfully thinking about the children, you would have come to the conclusion that living in hostile environment is worse than thinking about the children.

As for the completely illogical questions of "Why marry? / why give birth to children if you are going to divorce?", do you think someone can see the future? Nobody can see the day that a marriage goes downhill.

Spanner226
July 19th, 2011, 03:42 PM
My answer is..............................no.

Simply because a child(such as myself) is added into the family, that doesn't mean the parents are to be completely disregarded.

It's better for the parents to be divorced and live in a less hostile environment than stay married and live a a hostile environment, assuming that said relationship involved the parents fighting quite often(which was the case for my parents...... Ahahaha........That was not a pleasant experience)..

Evanlyn
July 19th, 2011, 04:23 PM
I'd say... yes.

You do have to think about the children, I think that they have a need for two steady parents...
basically in a marriage (in my opinion) you have to try to 'work through' the problems.
But if there is one of them abusing the other/the kids, I think then it'd be OK for the other to walk out.
I think..... that we should make our choices very carefully, and choose somebody who will always be there and understands us. Because, marriage (in my opinion) should be for life... that's what I think

-ty-
July 19th, 2011, 04:35 PM
My answer is..............................no.

Simply because a child(such as myself) is added into the family, that doesn't mean the parents are to be completely disregarded.

It's better for the parents to be divorced and live in a less hostile environment than stay married and live a a hostile environment, assuming that said relationship involved the parents fighting quite often(which was the case for my parents...... Ahahaha........That was not a pleasant experience)..

I agree! I have divorced parents, and I am VERY VERY glad they are not together. Yeah, at first I was sad, but is for the better.

TwilightBlade
July 19th, 2011, 06:42 PM
I'd rather my parents divorced and lived happily on their own (or with someone else) than be forced to watch them live together miserably... especially if I knew I was the only reason they were staying together.
My thoughts exactly. I'm selfish.
The parents aren't always selfish.

shenanigans
July 20th, 2011, 04:40 AM
It is simply not true imo that a child needs both parents to develop. Look the the divorce rates today and then look at the kids. There is next to no correlation between kids with issues and divorced parents.

Divorce isn't selfish given that it's only usually done when it is believed that, in the long term, both parents and any children that they will benefit from it. As has been said before in this thread, better be brought up by one parent than two arguing (or worse) parents, right?

Although you say it in the marriage vows and stuff ("'til death do us part") it's impossible to predict the future or know for sure that you made the right choice with your partner. Divorce is not unusual or inexplicable, and not at all selfish with everyone's best interests in mind. Hell even if the two parents were unhappy but not the child I still don't think it's selfish; two unhappy people and one happy person could be turned into two happy people and one temporarily unhappy person who will hopefully see why it was for the best one day.

Alinthea
July 20th, 2011, 06:06 AM
Yes. It's totally selfish, if they were going to divorce, they shouldnt have had kids in the first place. Having kids is basically the lock on the marriage.

I find this a very harsh statement to make. You don't know what the future will hold and you certainly can't see yourself getting a divorce if you are madly inlove with your partner; time changes all and no one can see where those changes will happen.

I don't think divorce is selfish, it is just a unfortunate part of life that happens. People grow apart and nothing can be done about it.