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Forever
September 4th, 2011, 10:04 PM
Parental Privacy
I've posted something like this once before but I want to bring it up again because it's interesting.

There's basically three different types of parents/guardians I've noticed:
- the ones that let you do whatever you want and don't necessarily care that much but that comes with the risk of them not being there for you when you do need help
- the ones who let you do what you want to an extent but step in when you need help
- the ones who baby you, know basically all of the contents of your bedroom and need to know everything about you

The first option can be great to an extent, but also dangerous. The fact that you'll probably be relying on your friends to get you out of difficult situations rather than your parents, but you have complete freedom.

The second option seems most preferable really - the best of both worlds.

The third option, not so great. While you're mostly protected, you don't really get much freedom to do what you want, and privacy doesn't really exist.

What I'm wondering is at what age the third option (generally common in younger children) should really fade out into the second one.

When is it too far with parenting? Is it "okay" that parents or guardians can go into the bedrooms of their children, still living at home around the age of being adults themselves and take whatever they want or go through all their bedroom drawers?

And have you been faced with having to go from the third option to the second option - how did you deal with it? And have you ever wished your parents were stricter and gave you less freedom?

Do you think children still living at home still have the rights to be able to say "no, I'd like my privacy"? And do you think that children who grow up with option one are less likely to accept help when they're older, whereas children who grow up with option three find it harder when they're older to be able to communicate without having a safety network to fall back on?

Discuss and share your thoughts. :)

Kaori
September 5th, 2011, 06:58 AM
- the ones who let you do what you want to an extent but step in when you need help
This type is what my parents are like. They knew when to stop serious parenting, especially since they know how kids grow up and how they want to be like in school and whatnot. They also know that I'm smart enough to make the right choices and if I'm really stuck in a position I will go to them for whatever reason that may be, I think.

(: When is it too far with parenting? Is it "okay" that parents or guardians can go into the bedrooms of their children, still living at home around the age of being adults themselves and take whatever they want or go through all their bedroom drawers?

I guess it depends. If you're really close with your family and say if you're a girl and happen to share jewelry with your mom or whatever, I think it would be okay to trust that she wouldn't go around digging into all your things. But if it isn't anything of being close or they don't trust you enough to know that they should just straight up ask you anything they need to know instead of digging up your things, I think that becomes wrong.

(: And have you been faced with having to go from the third option to the second option - how did you deal with it? And have you ever wished your parents were stricter and gave you less freedom?

Nope. Like I said my parents are pretty cool with everything and they know how it's like to grow up and to want more space etc. I think I have a great amount of freedom right now, and I'm good with this.

(: Do you think children still living at home still have the rights to be able to say "no, I'd like my privacy"? And do you think that children who grow up with option one are less likely to accept help when they're older, whereas children who grow up with option three find it harder when they're older to be able to communicate without having a safety network to fall back on?

Again, it depends. If they're at an age where they throw tantrums, go all crazy and act childish, they still need some parenting going on. Besides if they're pretty young and they are saying they need privacy, they're obviously in the wrong unless the parents are seriously questioning everything their child does. As for children with option one, it may depend on what type of person they've learned to become. Some might want to make every decision of their own and solve things only on their own. They might be totally independent to where it's harder to ask others for favors. Others with option three might want to do certain things alone and other times, ask people for help. Honestly I wish more things went along with option two but it's not always that case. Then again, it always depends on the people you're surrounded with and how you learn to become as a person.

Xyrin
September 5th, 2011, 07:22 AM
My dad is pretty strict. Not the bedroom kinda thing but he limits my time on the computer to what most people I know would call extreme. He forces me to go outside and when I do something I shouldn't I normally get a large grounding.

So he's in between 2 and 3.

But children can't really tell their parents that they can't go in their room or anything. The parents can establish a rule to themselves but it's their house so they can do anything legal to the child they want. Even if they are almost 18.

Bolanboy
September 5th, 2011, 11:02 AM
I wished my parents were a little stricter. Maybe then I wouldn't have been a weed-smoking high school dropout.

Esper
September 5th, 2011, 11:21 AM
My parents were (and still try to be) #3 types, although I wouldn't say they wanted to 'baby' me as much as 'train' me. They certainly didn't have any reservations about going into my private space and letting me know about anything at all that they thought was wrong or inappropriate that I was doing. With this kind of parenting it's no wonder I was troubled and trouble in high school. If I had to pin down one thing I think it's bad for parents to do if they want their kids to trust them, to come to them when they're in trouble, it's not giving any space for privacy. I didn't have any so I stupidly acted out to have something that was separate from my home life. (That's not the sole reason I was a stupid troublemaker, but an important factor.)

I never really had a different relationship with my parents until I moved away so I can't say from personal experience what age would be the best for parents to let up beyond saying that it needs to happen sometime. Everyone needs to have some time to themselves to think about things and have time to explore their thoughts before feeling ready to share those thoughts and feelings with someone else.

Ephemeral Euphoria
September 5th, 2011, 11:26 AM
I prefer the second option in the OP as it builds a relatively safe level of independence.

Gold warehouse
September 5th, 2011, 11:27 AM
My mum is #3, always has been always will be. It's why I don't live with her anymore.

My dad is #1; sometimes tries to be #3 and will interrogate me about something, often because my mum has prompted him to, but ultimately doesn't do anything. So I've never had a disagreement with him.

I think option 3 is by far the worst. I think it should be option #3 until about the age of 10-14 (depending on how responsible they are etc.), but not totally babying. Being firm, but fair, and letting you child actually live their own life. Then option 2/1. Not necessarily stepping in, or totally ignoring, but just always offering help if it's needed.

Mikosage
September 5th, 2011, 11:42 AM
My parents were #3. But so were most of my friend's parents. I'm thinking it's an area related thing to an extent.

Anyway 3 is bad because I didn't learn how to deal with life's many shenanigans until they smothered me enough that I struck out on my own.

Then there was a large rift between us for a couple of years. We just recently smoothed things over.

I think #2 is the best, and that should start as soon as the child is old enough to make its own decisions.

Freedom Fighter N
September 5th, 2011, 11:59 AM
My mother is option 3. To be honest, I don't really see why you shouldn't be completely open with your parents. Yes, I tell my mother evergoddamnthing. I don't remember having a father, so I can't say anything about that.

The first option sound absolutely terrible, people like that shouldn't be able to have children. I'll never get why people find it so great.

Ayselipera
September 5th, 2011, 12:40 PM
Both my parents are 2's. When I was younger my dad was a little more of a 3 when it came to things I was allowed to do, but I like to think I am the most responsible out of their three kids and so that's why now they pretty much let me do anything. It's just funny because my sister who is much older than me really wasn't allowed to do anything until she was 18 and my brother who is 13 now still isn't allowed to do anything. Whereas for myself I've been allowed to do just about whatever I've wanted since I was 11.

Anyway I think the 3 parenting style should fade out depending on the maturity of the kid. There really isn't a certain age because everyone matures differently.

I'm glad my parents have never been super strict and honestly they never needed or will need to be with me anyways. I guess I just have too much self control!!!

2Cool4Mewtwo
September 5th, 2011, 04:44 PM
I actually know more than my parents do, especially in terms of "technology stuff." I would therefore say now it's #1, but they used to be overly strict before I started high school.

Yoshikko
September 6th, 2011, 09:13 AM
I live with my mother, since my parents divorced when I was 4 years old. But it wasn't a very official divorce, I still see my dad everyday and we hang out, and my mom and him are totally cool, they just needed their space. A-ny-way, my mom is very tolerant, she was a very independent and sensible child, so her mother let her do the things she wanted because she trusted her. Also, her mother knew that forbidding things would just work the opposite way, and my mom treats me the same way. I never get in trouble and I let her know where I'm at so she doesn't have to worry about me, and I think that works. It's all about trust, in any relationship, also between your parents. My father is very protective though, but I think that has more to do with a fact that fathers will protect their girls, regardless of whatever situation, and he will always be this protective. I am okay with it, because that's the role of a father, imo.


When is it too far with parenting? Is it "okay" that parents or guardians can go into the bedrooms of their children, still living at home around the age of being adults themselves and take whatever they want or go through all their bedroom drawers?
I think it's partly not okay. At a certain age, your parents have to start giving you space and letting you more free, they have to, because you are starting to get responsibilities of your own. When you are still living at home though, I think it's okay that your parents can come into your room, maybe order your things, tidy it up - it's still their house, and living under their roof, that also includes their rules. But I am not okay with the fact that some parents go into their children's room and search through their stuff, drawers, clothes, also with the objective of finding certain things - things that are private. I think it's disrespectful, I consider it privacy infringement.

I find my mom opening my garden doors, curtains, vacuum cleaning when cleaning the house, and I am fine with that. It's because it is her house, and she is not going through my things at all, so there is no problem. I think this is the "symbiosis" that needs to exist between a parent and a child - you are living in their house, and that takes away a little privacy, but they are still providing you with food and a roof above your head.

And have you been faced with having to go from the third option to the second option - how did you deal with it? And have you ever wished your parents were stricter and gave you less freedom?\
Not at all, like I said before, my mom is very trusting of me and justly, I would never let her down or take advantage of her trust.

Do you think children still living at home still have the rights to be able to say "no, I'd like my privacy"? And do you think that children who grow up with option one are less likely to accept help when they're older, whereas children who grow up with option three find it harder when they're older to be able to communicate without having a safety network to fall back on?
I think you always have the right of privacy, no matter where you live, but only up to a certain point as long as you're living under your parents' roof.

Actually, I think it is the other way around. People who grew up with option one, will, I think, only feel more need for help and guidance when they get older, because they needed that when they were younger, but didn't get it enough. They might not show it from the outside though, and try to handle everything themselves, but they lack that experience (for the most part), of having had guidance when they were young. I do think that people who grew up with option 3, when parents baby you and make decisions for you, will have a harder time doing things on their own and being responsible, because it has always been done for them.

This doesn't go for everyone, because everyone handles situations like this differently, it's just that the chances of it happening, are bigger.

Oryx
September 6th, 2011, 09:26 AM
My mom abruptly went from over-strict to completely lax over the course of one month a few years ago.

When I was a sophomore in high school and before, my mom was incredibly strict. We used our Wii to make a Myspace account (which we weren't allowed to do), and she found it because we were the only ones that had no real pictures on our Myspaces. All of our friends were real friends and our profiles were set to private, but she said no anyway. She used to take the router to work with her so we couldn't get on the internet while she wasn't there. She put keyloggers on our computers that sent her hourly emails about what we were doing.

Then, one day during my sophomore year, my mom realized that my sister, a year older than me, had been breaking every rule that my mom set down behind her back. Mom realized that she couldn't have this kind of control on us anymore, and if she was freeing my sister, she had to free me because I was at least as mature as her, if not more so. She took keyloggers off of our computers, let us go wherever and do whatever as long as we told her, etc.

Now, I can talk to my mom about anything so it's perfect. Sometimes she wants to give unneeded advice, but I have no problem telling my mom my problems, no matter how personal they may seem. She knows almost everything about my life even though we live so far apart now because of school, we talk every day. If I need her, I know she'll be there for me, but I do things on my own.

It's a fine line between privacy and freedom. Because, technically, you're allowed to do whatever you want in your own house. So technically, parents can go through their child's room if they want. But that says nothing about what they should do. However, (insert controversial opinion here) I feel like it's worse for a parent to do so when a child is 16-17 than when a child is 18+. When they're below 18, they have no choice. They have to stay with you, it's not like they're there giving up their privacy because they want to. But at 18, you do have the choice of moving out. If you want, you can find a job and work and get your own apartment, etc. So when you still choose to allow your parents to pay the bills, live in their house and not pay rent, at 18, 19, 20, you're also giving them a fair amount of control. I don't think this extends to "going through your drawers", but it definitely extends farther than it would if you were still underage.

flight
September 6th, 2011, 09:54 AM
My parents step between a 1 and a 2. I don't live with my father, so as far as my mother is concerned, she's kind of between a 1 and a 2, really. She lets me pretty much do what I want, as long as I'm mindful of my actions and whatnot, and she will step in to help whenever I do need her assistance. The same is true of my father, except he more or less does his own thing, but at least he helps(I think) when I need him.

Alley Cat
September 6th, 2011, 04:05 PM
I wished my parents were a little stricter. Maybe then I wouldn't have been a weed-smoking high school dropout.

I wouldn't say that is your parents fault. You always had the choice to stay in school and quit smoking, JS.

My dad is a 0, as in, never there. Doesn't care, doesn't matter. He's just the guy that knocked up my mom.

My mom is a 2-1. She cares, she's there, but she isn't involved. But that's on my part, because I don't tell her. I don't want her to know, it's not really much of business until I decide to tell her. So... yeah.

marz
September 6th, 2011, 04:40 PM
You also have to look at it from the parent's point of view. If your parents are taking your life into their own hands too much, chances are that's the way they were raised themselves. Somewhere along the line, although they must have hated it at one point, they noticed the good it did for them. Because whether or not you want to admit it, your parents do know best. They've been through what you're about to go through and can help guide you better than anyone else. They know you better than anyone else, having been there for you since your very first breath.

However, there are a couple factors here. Sometimes these types of parents, contrarily to their beliefs, do not know best. A personal case I can draw from is when I went to meet someone from PC back when I was 15. The setup was perfect for a predator: let's meet in one of the city's biggest malls. Had I told that to my parents, they wouldn't have let me go to that mall for another year, because of all the bad things they've heard concerning the Internet. And while it's not wrong, it's also not all. As I expected, the person whom I thought I was going to meet actually showed up and we had a wonderful time.

It's really tough to just plainly draw the line from when your parents should stop babying you. But that's implying that all parents start out as the third option, which I think we can all agree is definitely untrue. As far as I can remember, my parents have always been the second option. What I say to that answer is that, being a parent, you should watch your kid grow up. At some point in his or her life, they will start doing things without immediately letting you know about it, or even mentioning it at all because it just doesn't seem like your business. If my parents were breathing down my neck, reading every single IM I sent out a few years back, I would have never even been able to form a friendship with the aforementioned friend I met. It's really tough to say when the line should draw, but as a parent I think you know when to do it. Or at least I would. Like I originally said, I think you raise your kids the way you were raised. Lucky for my children, I'll raise them as a regime 2 parent. I have to respect their privacy because the only way they'll grow into adults is if they're treated like one. Babying them won't get them anywhere and will probably just result in them hating me.

Count
September 27th, 2011, 12:20 PM
My parents (read: my father) is between #3 and #2. He doesn't really baby me but when it comes to important stuff he will always keep pushing me so I get things done. I am, like many, the type of person that does everything at the last moment but I rarely get the chance to do that because my father will push me and give me 'advice' in a very... harsh way I guess (it often ends up in unnecessary arguments). He says I need to act my age (18) and need to act an adult if I want to be treated as one, but I feel he doesn't give me the freedom to be an adult. I can't show I'm responsible enough because he will always start pushing me so it once again looks like I wouldn't get things done without him.. gee.
When it comes to being allowed to go out and stuff I can do most things. I shouldn't be away until the morning though, 5am is about the max if I don't want to get my parents annoyed.

I said 'read: father' because my mother is between #1 and #2, never really pushes me with things but would be there if I needed her. My father has the upper hand, and in arguments (with my father, arguments with my mother are unexistent) or w/e my mother will never say a word and will always agree with my father... kind of weird really. My father's opinion is my mother's, but not the other way around.

TRIFORCE89
September 27th, 2011, 07:28 PM
There's basically three different types of parents/guardians I've noticed:
- the ones that let you do whatever you want and don't necessarily care that much but that comes with the risk of them not being there for you when you do need help
- the ones who let you do what you want to an extent but step in when you need help
- the ones who baby you, know basically all of the contents of your bedroom and need to know everything about you

The third option, not so great. While you're mostly protected, you don't really get much freedom to do what you want, and privacy doesn't really exist.

What I'm wondering is at what age the third option (generally common in younger children) should really fade out into the second one.
What's wrong if my parents know what's in my room? I have nothing to hide. They go in there if they're vacuuming the top floor (and likewise, if I'm vacuuming the top floor, I go in their room. And my brother's room).

FreakyLocz14
September 28th, 2011, 12:15 AM
I personally believe that how strict parents are is their decision, as long as it does not venture into the realm of child abuse. A good parent will gradually more freedom and privacy as the child gets older if they demonstrate that they are responsible.

You may be interested in what your legal privacy rights are, as well. As an adult living with your parents, you actually have several. Here are some of them:
-It is a federal crime for your parents to open your mail without your authorization, or to intercept your mail for the purposes of invading your privacy, even if it is delivered to an their address.
-If you have a separate landline telephone, it is a federal crime for them to tap the line to listen to your conversations.
-If you have a separate Wi-Fi network that is a protected network, it is a crime for them to access it without your authorization.
-It is a crime for them to take any of your belongings with the specific intent to permanently deprive you of them, even if those belongings are stored in their home. If they entered the home with the specific intent to take any of your belongings, they are guilty of burglary.
-It is also a crime for them to access any information (like your computer, phone, etc.) that you have password protected without your authorization.
-It is a crime for them to break into any locked storage container that you own without your authorization

~VladKun~
September 28th, 2011, 01:46 AM
My parents are at level 2, mainly because I'm really independant and my privacy is safe...except for when my mom goes on my FB page every now and then, which is ****ing creepy mind you!

Melody
September 28th, 2011, 02:40 AM
When is it too far with parenting? Is it "okay" that parents or guardians can go into the bedrooms of their children, still living at home around the age of being adults themselves and take whatever they want or go through all their bedroom drawers?
Level two as mentioned in the first post is the best. Level three is necessary only when the child is either under the age of 12 or the parent believes the child to be fully capable of committing significant crimes like drug possession or something similarly serious.

And have you been faced with having to go from the third option to the second option - how did you deal with it? And have you ever wished your parents were stricter and gave you less freedom?
No. My dad was always a L2 type person. We had SOME rules you just didn't break but...mostly we had free reign short of something stupid.

Do you think children still living at home still have the rights to be able to say "no, I'd like my privacy"?
Yes and No.

Yes: When all is normal
No: When the parent has reasonable suspicion that their child has something illegal, is doing something dangerous, or is doing something illegal. Then, the parent has obligations to find out what the problem is and act on it.

Do you think that children who grow up with option one are less likely to accept help when they're older, whereas children who grow up with option three find it harder when they're older to be able to communicate without having a safety network to fall back on?
No. If anything, I think they'd accept help if it's offered civilly. If they deny help that's their mistake yes, but I don't think that's the cause.
Kids who grow up with option three tend to be MORE vocal, AKA spoiled brat style.