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emeraldslay
December 31st, 2004, 07:27 AM
Welcome to my fic!

Chapter one: Energy

The thirteen year old Liamoon walked next to his mother, in the crowded city of Desatrat. Liamoon's short black hair blew in the icy winds of Desatrat. He shivered, and pulled his blue jacket closer to his body. His mother was desperately scanning the stalls, looking for what she needed. Liamoon knew what was coming. Tomorrow, the Desatratee's would come. Robots, created by beings from another world, which scanned Desatrat for any beings and killed them. They were terrifying creatures, soulless and merciless. They came every few months, and in the days before they came, the people had to stock up on food and drink and other supplies, as the Desatratee's raid may last for days. The longest raid yet was four weeks long, and many died of hunger and thirst. Liamoon wished that he could one day destroy those creatures. He could still remember the day his Aunty went...

The entire family was in the house, all in the basement. They had locked every opening above, and were waiting for it to begin. Then they heard the signals, those terrifying signals that announced that the robots had arrived. As there ships hit the ground, there was a deep rumbling sound, followed by a large tremor underground. The house shook. Liamoon was five years old at the time, so he couldn't understand what exactly was happening. His father had told him that they were playing a game, and whoever stayed the quietest and stillest would win. He normally won (they finally broke the terrifying truth to him when he was nine). They would occasionally eat and drink very quietly. It was a tense and terrifying situation for the adults, but to Liamoon it was nothing more then an innocent game, played for fun. Now Liamoon understood how lucky they were, as the robots used to think the house was empty. As Liamoon lay down in the corner, he wandered if he was going to win, and why his uncle and aunt had decided to join in this time. Normally, it was just him, dad, mom and his older sister, Beatrice. They all lay in silence, the adults listening carefully for any signs of the robots above, and Liamoon trying hard to win the game. When his aunt suddenly dashed up, and tried to open the hatch to the outside, every adult in the room ran at her, trying to stop her going out to an instant suicide. Liamoon thought that she was cheating, so all the adults were trying to stop her. He lay quietly still.

What Liamoons aunt was really doing was going out to get her prized medal that she won when she was a child. It was only when she was in the house and everything was bolted up when she realised she had lost it. Everybody told her that they could come any second, and that if she unbolted anything then it would take quite a while to bolt it up, and that may mean death for the entire family. But when she was locked up in the basement, her mind told her it was worth risking her life for. When youre locked up like that, its easy to do foolish things.

So, Liamoons aunt opened the hatch and ran out, her husbands trying to follow her. But, Liamoons parents stopped him. He broke down into tears. Meanwhile, Liamoon paid little attention to this, as he was busy trying to win the game. Liamoons sister bravely went out to see if her aunt had survived. When she went out, she saw it. Her aunt was kneeling down on the sands outside the house, looking for the medal, and two humanoid, black robots were in the distance. They held guns. Beatrice had to stop herself from screaming out to her dear aunt, but restrained herself for her and the familys protection. The robots spotted her aunt, and levitated into the air, and flew towards her aunt. Beatrice dived back under the hatch, as to make the robots think the house was empty. She reported that her aunt was going to die. Her uncle burst into tears, and the family calmed him down, as the robots would definitely hear. They later told Liamoon that his aunt had lost the game, so she had to go home. Liamoon accepted this without questioning, and when he was broke the news about the truth of Desatrat, he was told that his aunt was dead.

Liamoon was still angry at his parents for lying to him. It didnt matter now, but he would of preferred to be told the truth when he was younger. He still had an anger concealed inside of him for what they did. They broke him off from the truth, and scarred him for life. He didnt trust anybody now.

Liamoons mother spotted some food that she wanted and strolled over to pick it up. Liamoon went over to a stall that sold cartridges for his games console, so he could play it when the robots came. Suddenly, he heard a scream. When he turned around, he saw his mother on the floor, and the man behind the stall of food was pointing a gun at her.

Dont make a move, you filthy burglar! Thought you could outsmart me, eh? Thought that you could just steal food from my stall? I dont think so! he said, and smiled at her.

Liamoons mother remained still. Then, all of a sudden, the man made a move for her shirt, and ripped it off, revealing the purple bra underneath. The man began to chuckle and soon everybody was laughing at her. Liamoon was so angry. He ran over to the man, not knowing that he was running to quick for anybody to see, and punched him in the stomach.

The man doubled over in pain, and fell to the ground, and Liamoon was standing over him, an angry look on his face. The man coughed and coughed, before getting up and pointing the gun at the kid.

What do you think youre doing, smartass? Trying to protect youre mom, here? Well, guess what, the big mans got a gun he said, waving the silver handgun in Liamoons face, in a mocking way. Soon, everybody was laughing.

Liamoon swiped at the gun, and it went flying out of the mans hand, and over the heads of the audience. Liamoon hovered into the air (accidentally) and towered over the man.

Well now the big man HASNT got a gun he said, into the mans face, before spitting at it. Everybody watched in silence.

Why you little brat! Ill teach you to mess with me! he roared, and ran at Liamoon. Liamoon flew back onto the ground, before kicking out at his stomach. The man was hauled back by the impact, and sent flying into his own stall. His food exploded all over him, and he was knocked out. Liamoon walked over to the stall, and picked up an intact can of food. Then, he heard a whirring sound. Soon, motorbikes pulled up to Liamoon.

Put youre hands up one of them said, Youre under arrest

Kyosuke
December 31st, 2004, 12:11 PM
I must say, this fan-fic was written excellently. Humaniod-robot fan-fics's, sometimes can get predictable, but the way that you added a proper stoyline, with a young child made it enjoyable to read from start to finish, and its easy to picture in you're head of what exactly is going on, somehing that all authors want.

It would be nicer though, if added a bit more description to the rest of the family, just to have a better feeling of whats going on.

Also, there was typing error that I spotted, Her uncle burst into tears, and the family calmed him down, as the robots would definitely robots." dousn't really make any sence XD.

emeraldslay
December 31st, 2004, 12:42 PM
Thanks for the review! I see what you mean about the description thing. I'll add more in the next chapter. Thank you for pointing out 'as the robots would definetly robots', I have corrected it. It isn't all about humanoid robots, although they do have a major part. Think dragon ball meets star wars.

Princess of Oceans
January 2nd, 2005, 12:38 AM
That was... that was... hell, I can't describe it.

Cornelius Sure Is Fickle~
January 2nd, 2005, 12:53 AM
EEK! liamoon is a cop killer :eek:

Kyosuke
January 2nd, 2005, 05:08 PM
Cornelius Sure Is Fickle~, that was complete spam don't do that again, if you're going to post, made it something that actully matters...

Princess of Oceans
January 2nd, 2005, 09:06 PM
Cornelius Sure Is Fickle~, that was complete spam don't do that again, if you're going to post, made it something that actully matters...

Yes, exactly! Something that matters, like this excellent piece of literature.

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 11:32 AM
Yes, exactly! Something that matters, like this excellent piece of literature.

*sigh* Just so you know, Princess of Oceans, you're sarcasam and you're defending is not needed. In fact, I'd prefer it if you would just fck off.

Anyway, for those who can't see where this is going then I'll tell you. This is like dragonball. Why the kid is powerful will be explained. So please, dont judge the story by it's first chapter. *glares at Princess of Oceans*

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 11:56 AM
Chapter two: Abandoned

Liamoon put his hands up, as he watched a cop grab hold of his hands and handcuffed him. Liamoon didn't resist, knowing it would only get him in more trouble then he already was.

"Listen here, kid, violence is not tolerated. We've got enough with those bloody robots" the cop said.

"Stop" Liamoon's mother said, getting up. "I take full responsibility for him" she said. Liamoon was glad.

"Ok then, keep him under control next time. And, put on a shirt mam, or you'll freeze to death" the cop said, and unlocked the handcuffs. Liamoon rushed over to his mother.

The cop took Liamoon's mother aside for a minute, to tell her something, before letting her go back to Liamoon. Liamoon took little notice.

"Nothing to see here folks" another cop said, and everybody cleared away, Liamoon's mother watched until the cops were out of sight. She brushed her blonde hair out of her eyes, and turned to Liamoon.

"Mom, I-" Liamoon said, but was cut short, as Liamoon's fist came into contact with his face - hard. He fell down, his nose bleeding, and knocked out. His mother scooped him up, and ran back home with him, onlookers gasping at her.

Liamoon awoke in his room. His mother was next to him. It took Liamoon a minute to get his memory back. He remembered a moment afterward.

"What was that for? I got rid of that guy who could of SHOT you and you knock me out? Christ, mom!" Liamoon screamed at his mom. Liamoon then saw that his mom had been crying alot.

"Son, don't make this harder then it already is" she said through tears.

"Whats wrong?" Liamoon said, making his tone alot lighter, and concerning. He was still angry, but he needed to see what was wrong.

"Son, are you aware of Saiyans?" she asked.

"Saiyans? You mean the race of warriors? Yeah, I know what they are" Liamoon went through what he knew in his mind. Saiyans died out a long time ago, because of a creature. But, Saiyans are still produced under certain conditions. If any of the parents of a child have the smallest amount of Saiyan blood, then there is a chance that there child may be a Saiyan. Saiyan's were deemed dangerous, and when one was born they were taken away to another planet.

"Son, you are one" Liamoon's mother said. She burst into tears.

"No, I can't be" Liamoon said. Liamoon's mother opened the door, and three cops stood there to take Liamoon away.

"I love you son" Liamoon's mother said. Liamoon was handcuffed and dragged away. His eyes stayed on his mother the entire time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the short chapter there. Anyway, thoughts?

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:01 PM
Ok I demand that you write the next chapter. I can't wait to see where this is going. And seriously, this wasn't sarcasm.

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 01:13 PM
I've already told you that sarcasam wasn't welcome. If you don't like the fic, then just leave, instead of constantly insulting my work.

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:14 PM
I just said it wasn't sarcasm. Are you actually reading my posts or not?

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 01:16 PM
I thought you were being sarcastic about being sarcastic 0_o So, does that post mean that you can't wait to read more because you like it, or you want to laugh at it more because you dont like it?

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:23 PM
I thought you were being sarcastic about being sarcastic 0_o So, does that post mean that you can't wait to read more because you like it, or you want to laugh at it more because you dont like it?

Well, I'll say as much as that I find it very unpredictable, that's for sure.

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 01:26 PM
Well, I'll say as much as that I find it very unpredictable, that's for sure.

Still feeling sarcastic, are we?

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:29 PM
How is that sarcasm? I definitely didn't predict that you'd somehow tie in DBZ to the story ;\

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 01:32 PM
How is that sarcasm? I definitely didn't predict that you'd somehow tie in DBZ to the story ;\

Somehow tie? I was planning that from the beginning, but apparently, YOU somehow got the impression that they were all on Earth and that the kid just somehow got a burst of strength.

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:42 PM
I didn't say you weren't planning it from the start and that you just randomly decided to put it in now; you are just mistaken.

I obviously didn't assume they were on Earth since their "species" had an odd name. Also, based on what I had seen even in the first chapter things like 13 year olds knocking people across a street wouldn't seem out of place ;\

emeraldslay
January 3rd, 2005, 01:48 PM
I didn't say you weren't planning it from the start and that you just randomly decided to put it in now; you are just mistaken.

I obviously didn't assume they were on Earth since their "species" had an odd name. Also, based on what I had seen even in the first chapter things like 13 year olds knocking people across a street wouldn't seem out of place ;\

I've already told you in chapter two that he was a saiyan, thus he has powers and could knock an overweight man with a gun across the street. Is none of this getting through to you?

Princess of Oceans
January 3rd, 2005, 01:52 PM
I've already told you in chapter two that he was a saiyan, thus he has powers and could knock an overweight man with a gun across the street. Is none of this getting through to you?

Oh dear lord. That's why I said in the first chapter I had nothing to say that he couldn't knock someone across the street anyways, but you explained the real reason in chapter 2. That whole sentence of the post was about chapter 1, hence why it started with "Also, based on what I had seen even in the first chapter".

Kelsey
January 8th, 2005, 12:44 PM
Wow, this fic was very well written MewMan! ^_____^ I like how this is set somewhat in the future. What with the robots and all, it's a very great setting IMO.

You have paragraphs, so that makes me very happy! <3
I saw one spelling/grammer mistake. I think LT pointed it out for you already, but here it is again:
"as the robots would definitely robots" -unless you have a meaning to this, I stand corrected. XD

I like how this story begins kind of describing who Liamoon is and a bit of his background. That is always very helpful when reading a fanfic. ^_____^ You could put more effort into describing Liamoon's family and his surroundings. This will help to create a better picture for the reader.

Well, that's about it, keep up the good work, MM! ^_~

~Kelsey