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Mr Cat Dog
January 4th, 2005, 11:06 AM
Welcome to the worst Pokemon fanfiction EVER! I really should stop doing that XD I won't explain any more, except for the fact that the main writing is in normal font, the picky reviewer's comments are in brackets, and the Pokemon's comments are in italics. That should explain it hopefully. And I look forward to getting frosty's reviews :P Enjoy... or cringe - one of the two XD Oh, and all spelling and grammatical mistakes are intentional by the way. XD


The 1337est Mary-Sue Parody EVER!!! (ROFLLOLOMGWTF!)


Chapter 1: Teh 1337est Opening EVER!


Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily woke up to a bright (clichd) summers day, only to find that it was his tenth birthday an he would be late for to collect his Pokmon rom Professor <Insert Random Tree Here>. He was also the son of Ash Ketchup and Misty Waterlily and dreamed of becoming the bestest Pokmon Master ever ever! Quickly (and without any description from the author), Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily ran straight from his own house to the house of Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> that was convenitently exactly 500 steps away rom his own house and labratory.

As he burst in through the door (with still no word from the author on what he was wearing or what he even remotely looked like), Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily looked at Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> and his super-mega-ultra-supreme-most evil-arch-nemething, (the author must be a precocious six-year-old, or an IQ-insufficient 13-year-old), SPENCER!!! *Cue evil music*

(Whilst still not knowing what SPENCER or Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> looks like, the author finally manages to put some dialogue in thank goodness for that at least):

Here you go SPENCER, Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> said (with no adverb or anything this author is driving me crazy) to SPENCER, Your new Rayquaza, heres a million trillion gazillion PokeDollars, your PokeDex, and 6 new Pokballs.

Aw Arent you going to give me another 5 Pokmon like you did to the other kid that came in here? SPENCER said (again with the lack of adverbs woe is me) to Professor <Insert Random Tree Here>.

Now now my boy, you may be my grandson, but that doesnt mean Im going to have favourites. I know you can do well anyways. Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> said. (He didnt even put a comma at the end what is the world coming to?)

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily ran up to the Professor and screamed, I wanna Pokmon and I wanna wan NOW!!! (Great we have a spoilt arrogant brat for the hero, how original.)

Dont worry, young Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily, I have 3 fine Pokmon for you. Just take your pick from Weedle, Missingno, or Mew.

Ill go for Mew.

Well, there you go. Heres your Mew. Take good care of it. Heres a million trillion gazillion PokeDollars, your PokeDex, and 6 new Pokballs. (Shouldnt the Professor at least hand over the Mew? Oh Im just talking to a brick wall here.)

Hey SPENCER! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily shouted sa SPENCER was walking out of the door (This doesnt sound good although he did use shouted instead of said. Maybe there is hope in this world.)

I challenge you to a battle! (Or maybe not)

I accept! (Here we go one clichd completely one-sided battle coming up) Rayquaza, I choose you!

Mew, I choose you. (Im not even going to bother anymore wake me up when this is over)

Rayquaza, use Tackle!

Mew, use Super-Mega-Ultra-Uber-Attack-of-Death! (What the?)

Rayquaza fainted. Mew gained 5 bazillion experience points. Mew grew to Level 2.

Yay, we won! Great battle Mew! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily yelled and glomped Mew.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! SPENCER said (and were back to said), Im going to become the bestest bestest BESTEST EVER Pokemon Master in history. Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily, we shall meet again."

And with that, SPENCER and Bulbasaur stormed out of the lab. Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily also said goodbye to Professor <Insert Random Tree Here> and headed off to the first Route (We dont even know which region or anything just great.)

Eventually (with no description whatsoever again), Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily arrived in Oldale Town, (so were in Hoenn are we?) only to find that there was a Groudon attacking the town.

Oh no! Theres a Groudon attacking the town! (How on earth does this loser know what a Groudon looks like, or even what one is? This is just madness!)

Mew! Use Uber-Attack-That-Brings-All-Pokemon-Down-To-1HP!

Groudon used Growl. But it failed!

Pokball GO! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily threw a Pokeball and Groudon was caught. (What a surprise)

Instantly, as if by magic, the town returned to its normal state, with flowers growing, birds singing, (readers retching) and people acting all happy and nice. The mayor of Oldale made Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily the Bestest Most Wonderful Person Ever. Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily said goodbye to Oldale and onwards to Petalburg. (Finally the chapters over isnt it?)

Meanwhile, inside the Pokballs:

I feel so sorry for you, Groudon whispered through the Pokeball to Mew, I had a chance to escape, but you were forced to go with this idiot.

Dont worry about it. Before he captured you, he told me to use Super-Mega something or other. Do you know any attacks that start with that? Mew sighed as she floated around in her cell.

Nope, I really feel for you, Groudon sighed, as he floated around in his pink ball of matter.

I just ended up using a Psychic although it still only just made the Rayquaza faint, Mew sighed again.

Well, at least I can get through this with another Pokemon, Mew said regaining some form of confidence.

Yeah, I suppose itll be good to have some company around to get through this, Groudon whispered, Who knew misery on earth came in the form of a ten-year-old boy.

Neo Pikachu
January 4th, 2005, 11:28 AM
God, I always get a kick out of reading these. They're so stupid they're hilarous.

What Bard's Tale does for RPGs, this does for Pokemon Fan Fictions. Keep it up, I like your style. I would have liked a little more to it, but still, it was pretty good nonetheless.

Dragonfree
January 4th, 2005, 11:49 AM
O.O

This gives me a Deja Vu... you don't happen to have made a previous version of this, do you?

Mr Cat Dog
January 4th, 2005, 12:00 PM
NP - Thanks. I've read so many n00b fics on other boards that I'd thought I'd post one of my own. XD

Dragonfree - I haven't... but I did take a lot of inspiration of Dias' fic of a similar genre back on Serebii. The general storyline is with inspiration from his fic, but the characters and dialogue is all original. I hope you like it though. ^_^

Lily
January 4th, 2005, 12:59 PM
cliche. =)

Lol though...this was funny, particulary the one with Professor (Insert a random tree name here) and Ash's extremely long name stuff. XD As dragonfree said, it also gave me deja vu.

I don't comment on parodies that well...but nice job! When you mentioned it in the fanfiction lounge- Frosty knows parodies...never seen him rating it though.

Keep it up with the next chapter. XD

Drayano
January 4th, 2005, 01:28 PM
XD Lovely Mr Cat Dog. Main thing that made me laugh was the name of that attack and the name: Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily. How long did it take you to write that =P?

Yamato-san
January 4th, 2005, 01:51 PM
LMAO!!! Even though the 'readers' comment that there has been no description of what the main character looks like, with the name 'Ashton Kucher' in there, I can't help but picture the actor well-known for playing Kelso in That 70's Show. Anyway, love the way you poke fun at all the stupid n00b fics, especially how so many of them seem to take place in the future under the assumption that Ash and Misty marry (you wouldn't believe how much I hate Pokeshipping). I look forward to a second chapter.

Mr Cat Dog
January 5th, 2005, 09:47 AM
Second chapter will be up either tonight or tomorrow, as my computer is almost fixed...

Kadabra - I just c/ped most of the time XD Saves a lot of time.

Expect many more spelling and grammar errors in the next chapter :P

Claire
January 5th, 2005, 09:54 AM
Lol, very cleverly done, MCD ^^
"Groudon used Growl. But it failed!" XD

Strawberry Delcatty
January 8th, 2005, 10:36 AM
In the words of Lord Illpalazzo from Excel Saga...

"This fanfic is corrupt!"

But since you intended it to be that way, I liked it. Very disturbing...yet funny.

Dragonfree
January 8th, 2005, 10:59 AM
*cowers in a corner* When I write a parody, I get four replies to three chapters. When you write a parody, you get seven replies to one chapter. No fair. :(

Either way, the second chapter is still not here yet, even though you said it would be up yesterday at the latest...

Mr Cat Dog
January 8th, 2005, 11:00 AM
Thanks everyone ^_^ Next chapter should be up in a couple of hours, I just have to write out the craptastic battle sequence and then I'm done. I don't think this one will be as funny as the first chapter, but oh well XD

Edit - Sorry Dragonfree, MS Word kinda died on me yesterday night, so I had to start Chap 2 all over again. And about the comments... er... *cowers* XD

Mr Cat Dog
January 8th, 2005, 12:19 PM
Well, here's Chapter 2. I don't think it's as funny as Chap 1, but I still think it's a good parody of n00b fics. As always, normal font is the main storyline, (text in brackets is the picky reviewers comments) and text in italics is the Pokemon speaking. Enjoy, or cringe, or do something. XD

Chapter 2: Wot reely hapens in Pokmon batels



Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily (Here we go again) wass on his way too Petalburg City and he was just about to enter the city wen he saw a littel boy of brown hair, five foooot six inches, with an Abra, Nidoran Femail, Kanghaskhanahas baby, Mario, Mewtwo and Weedle woo was sittin by the road crying on a rock, he also lived with two parents who wurked as bank mangers in Petalburg City and his ageing old grandmother who had a Persian cat and once fort in the great was of 1976. (o_O That must have been the longest sentence ever)

He was also a Pisces. (And that must have been the shortest paragraph)

Hi, whats your name?

Hi, my names Tim.

Lets be friends.

OK.

More conversation spam (I didnt even put that in the author did.)

Im going to Petalburg City to challenge the Gym Leader and become the bestest bestest bestest Pokmon League Champion EVER! And I have to beat my super-mega-ultra-supreme-arch-nemething SPENCER! How about you? (Thanks for telling us your life story)

I want to be the worlds bestest bestest Pokmon breeder like all the other characters that follow the bratty hero around in crappy fanfictions like these. (He must read a lot)

OMGROFLXDXDXDWTF133713371337133713371337LMAOLAMOMEXICANHULADANCELETSDOTHATAGAIN!!!:P:P:P (Now that really is conversation spam.)

ROFLROFLROFLWHOSYOURFAVOURITEMEMBEROUTOFDESTINYSCHILD133713371337XDXDXD:P^_^RANDOMSMILEYSLOLLOL!!! (o.o *cough*)

Do you wanna grab a pizza or a drink or something to fill up parts of this chapter? (We dont even know whos talking. This is lunacy!)

OK. Said Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily (Thanks I suppose)

-Pointless brake within paragraffs to indikate pizza eatin moshuns-

After Tim and Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily had eaten their pizza and drunk their drink, they decided to walk all the 547 steps to the Petalburg Gym. They entered the Petalburg City Gym and saw the Petalburg City Gym Leader Norman (Who is a ball of nothingness thanks to the author that expects us all to have played the games or watched episodes of the cartoon that havent been broadcast outside of Japan.)

Norman, I wanna challenge you and become the bestest bestest EVER person to have beaten you EVER! I know you have a Vigoroth and two Slakings of which the second one will like to use Focus Punch a lot but I know how to beat you so can I have a battle for the Plain Badge? (He must have played RSE)

OK son, (SON? What kind of sick Gym Leader is he? Ash Ketchup and Misty Waterlily wait, the author cant even write Ketchup or Waterflower. Woe oh woe is me) I know youve just started your journey, but you arent strong enough to fight me yet. Come back to me after youve grown stronger. OK? (o_O He too must worship his copy of Ruby)

OK, Dad, (WTF? Oh god now Im sounding like this crappy author. AAAAGH!) Ill go off and fight a further four Gym Leaders in cities that follow the Pokmon games exactly.

Good boy, son. (My heads about to explode)

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily and Tim lefft the Petalburg Gym and heded for the nex root where they saw a Charizard asleep on the grass. (Oh my god description! Completely vague but its there.)

Great Here comes some n00b trainer thats probably going to catch me because the author cant be bothered or doesnt know how to write a half-decent battle sequence My life is over, The Charizard sighed nervously. (It took the words right out of my mouth.)

Tim: Wow! Its a Charizard (Oh god now theyre in script!)

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily: Im going to catch it so easily because Im the bestest bestest Pokemon trainer EVER, and I can catch everything and anything! (But you cant get your head out of the door for some reason. I wonder why?)

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily: Mew, I choose YOU!

Mew: (thinking) Oh god, do I have to be in script as well?

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily: Mew! Use Uber-Attack-That-Brings-All-Pokemon-Down-To-1HP!

Mew: (thinking)I refuse to be part of this madness. At least stop writing my parts in script!!! (You go girl!)

Charizard: And while youre at it, can you skip the script parts for me as well?

Im so sorry about this AND THATS BETTER! Mew whispered, then shouted telepathically to Charizard.

Dont worry, I once was in this fic where the n00b trainer tried to physically wrestle me to try and catch me. How about you? Charizard whispered.

I got given to this one my a Professor called <Insert Random Tree Here>. That bad enough?

Ouch. You win. What do you want me to do? Charizard whispered to the feline.

Well, Im supposed to attack you with this super-hyper-mega crap. Basically, Im going to Flash you, you fall down dead, and King Loser over there will throw a Pokball and catch you. Does that sound OK? Mew asked, whilst the obviously oblivious Ashton (At least these segments of the story dont go to great lengths to write out King Losers real name) and less-than-oblivious Tim looked on in this conversation between the two Pokemon.

Mew used Uber-Attack-That-Brings-All-Pokemon-Down-To-1HP. Charizard nearly fainted! (Sure he did) Mew gained infinity experience points. Mew grew to Level 2.5 (How could Mew even gain experience points when Charizard didnt even faint? Why am I even asking these questions anymore? Im talking to a brick wall.)

Pokball GO! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily shouted as he through the Pokball at the Charizard. 123 Charizard was caught!

Yay! I caught a Charizard!!!!! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily said. (And were back to said. Well, Im not getting my hopes up or anything.)

Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily nad Tim warked a cupple of meters when suddenly Jessie and James rom Team Roket jumped down from the skie. (Oh Lord And just when I thought it couldnt get any worse. The authors probably going to go to great lengths in his or her vast ten-year-old-mind to write out the whole theme tune. Just brilliant.)

Jessie: Prepare for trouble (And weve gone back into script *sigh*)

James: And make it double

Jessie: To protect the world from devastation

James: To unite all peoples within our nation

Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love

James: To extend our reach to the stars above

Jessie: Jessie

James: James

Jessie: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light

James: Surrender now, or prepare to fight

Meowth: Meowth, thats right (Thank God thats over)

A ha ha ha ha ha, weve come to steal your Pikachu and show it to our boss, Jessie said. (What the first it steals the game storyline, now it steals the anim? This is sinking deeper and deeper, although I wouldnt expect anything less of this chapter so far)

Go Arbok! Jessie said.

Go Weezing! James said. (Wouldnt they send out Seviper and Cacnea if this was in Hoenn? Why do I even bother?)

Go Charizard and Groudon! Ashton Kucher Prometheus Chromosome Ketchup Waterlily said.

Oh god, were out again Arbok sighed wearily as she saw her two opponents, Hey, youre not Pikachu!

No youre not, Weezing coughed out, bellowing lots of fumes whilst he was at it.

Of course not, Charizard shouted angrily, Do we look yellow, furry, and full of crap?

No, but its just in all the other fics weve been in, Arbok sighed again,

All we do is fight Pikachu over and over and over. We kind of expect it now, thats all.

It just becomes so repetitive, Weezing muttered, still bellowing out toxic fumes, Its the same routine every time. We come out, Pikachu gives us an electric shock and we get sent flying to who knows where. No matter who the author is, it happens in every chapter were in.

Ouch. You should see a therapist or something, Groudon said anxiously, You could have some sort of nervous breakdown if you keep carrying on like this.

Were both seeing a Hypno psychiatrist, Weezing muttered to the two Pokmon, She says well both be suffering from schizophrenia in two years time.

You poor things, Groudon said sympathetically, But I think wed better get back to battling. Our owners are wanting us to fight to the death or something sad and stupid.

Just make us both faint. Its the only way we can receive our medication, Arbok sighed wearily again.

Well make it quick and easy, Charizard smiled, Its been nice meeting you guys anyways.

Yeah, have a nice time in therapy, Groudon smiled as well.

Charizard, Groudon, Use Super-Mega-Ultra-Uber-Attack-of-Death! (And were back to whatever twisted reality this fic calls home.

Mew and Groudon used Super-Mega-Ultra-Uber-Attack-of-Death! Arbok and Weezing fainted. Mew gained infinity plus 1 experience point. Mew grew to Level Pi. Groudon gained 1 experience point. Groudon grew to Level 9999999.

Team Rockets blasting off again! Team Rocket yelled as they blasted of into the sunset. (Clichd beyond extremes)
And once again, the day is saved, thanks to CHARIZARD AND GROUDON!!! (o_O Thats not even Pokmon related. But who cares, the chapters over anyways)

Yamato-san
January 8th, 2005, 01:25 PM
LMAO!!! I noticed you poked fun at lousy script. Speaking of things done the opposite from my fic, I have another thing you could use in your fic that I see quite often in others: cultural inaccuracy or cultural confusion. I've seen some fics try to make it seem like the setting is Japan (which is actually a rough equivalent of what Kanto, Jouto, and Houen are), and yet, they never seem to do their homework in terms of culture and such. The most they'll make the characters do is read manga and speak like an otaku ("That is so kawaiiiii~!"), and despite trying (and failing) to make them seem Japanese, they make them eat nothing but hamburgers and never describe a slight hint of anything remotely Japanese in the scenery.

Dragonfree
January 8th, 2005, 01:31 PM
It kept making me think of Dias's parody which kinda ruined it, but meh. I liked the Pokmon talking to each other, especially Arbok and Weezing. My favorite line was this, though:


I want to be the worlds bestest bestest Pokmon breeder like all the other characters that follow the bratty hero around in crappy fanfictions like these.

Nice job.

Mr Cat Dog
January 8th, 2005, 02:09 PM
Yamato-san - I'll bear that in mind, as I too have seen the Japanese resemblance within n00b crap such as this.
Dragonfree - Sorry for making it so familiar to Dias' fic, but it was his fic that inspired me (although it was pruned from SPP about a year ago XD) I don't think he got as far as Chapter 5, so all chapters from then shall be truly original XD

Enix-Zae
January 9th, 2005, 05:06 AM
what i want to know, is how mew attacked when charizard was the one out? that aside, its a really good story. Funny. Keep it up.

Mr Cat Dog
January 9th, 2005, 06:06 AM
I'm glad that you noticed that. That too was also intentional, as I've read some fics which don't even have the right Pokemon attacking the opponent. Well spotted. Well done. ^_^

Lexaeus
January 11th, 2005, 04:55 PM
LOL! That's hilarious! I love pointless fan-fics (I write them all the time)! :P Nice job, love it!