PDA

View Full Version : "Welcome to P-Town" (PG-13)


Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 09:34 AM
A poem about where I live. A rather negative poem. I censored out one word due to teh context, but if you understand that each line rhymes with every other line in the stanza, I think you'll figure out what word it is.

"P-Town"
Welcome to P-Town,
a place where people frown,
turn the world upside down,
can't go no further down.


The buildings, they're assunder,
will fall by roll of thunder,
home for crooks and plunder,
the bottom they are under.


The guys are all jocks,
heads hard as rocks,
Talkin' 'bout *****,
holes in their socks.

The girls all the while
fool around with the bile
and don't care if they defile
their holy temple. Got no style.


This written by a bro
in a place where life's a show
with no ability to flow
and got no where to go.


Told you about my town.
I hope I made you frown.
My world is upside down.
Can't go no further down.

mew42003
January 6th, 2005, 10:30 AM
You live in P-Town?Massachusetts?I live in Cambridge!

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 11:55 AM
oh. sorry. I guess I should elaborate. I live in Portsmouth Virginia. Also known by it's members as "P-Town".

Kelsey
January 6th, 2005, 12:54 PM
Awws, that poem is so depressing. ;-; Well, I do like how each stanza rhymed with itself. XD Even though it was sad, it really made me think. My hometown is a peaceful place, but now I have a whole new perspective of what others have to go through. Really, wherever you live does have an effect on the person. If you live in a peaceful place, your outlook on life is likely to be optimistic. But if your town seems dirty and grundgy, then your outlook on life can be pessimistic. Well, overall the poem was good. It just makes me feel so sad! ;-;

~Kelsey

Shana
January 6th, 2005, 01:28 PM
I like that a lot...I feel negitive like that a lot...

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 03:02 PM
Nicely written from an emotional standpoint, very evocative. A few technical corrections, though (at least from my sensibilities). They're in red. Some are just typos, a few other make the poem flow better in my mind.

"P-Town"
Welcome to P-Town,
a place where people frown,
turn the world upside down,
can't go no further down.

The buildings, they're torn asunder,
will fall by roll of thunder,
home for crooks and home for plunder,
the bottom they are under.

The guys are all jocks,
heads hard as rocks,
Talkin' 'bout *****,
holes in their socks.

The girls all the while
fool around with the bile
and don't care if they defile
their holy temple. Got no style.

This written by a bro
in a place where life's a show
with no ability to flow
and he's got no where to go.

Told you about my town.
I hope I made you frown.
My world is upside down.
Can't go no further down.

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 03:23 PM
The second Home for and the he's slows it down too much. It's meant to be much like a rap, fast and quick to rhyme, to best also reflect the social standpoint of where I live.

As for the typos, I can fix those.

edit" also, the word torn,it doesn't work. The building are old. delapidated. Torn would suggest like a bombing or something like that and even though we get plenty of bomb threats, no one follows through. So torn will not work there. Just "assunder" will do. The adjective on it's own is fine. the verb isn't necessary.

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 03:27 PM
In that case, I'd take out the and, change that bit to "With no ability to flow/Got no where to go."

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 03:29 PM
that comes from the prestated line: Got no ability to flow. I have no true rapping prowess, so there is no harm in letting that shine through in the poem, if only to prove that one line.

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 03:31 PM
It's preferable, however, to always avoid beginning a sentence (or line in a poem) with "And." In this case, removing that particular and makes it flow better and makes the entire stanza feel grittier.

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 03:40 PM
but as I said, I don't WANT it to flow better. And poetic license allows one to being a sentence as they wish. In true grammar it may be bad to begin a sentence with And, but in a line of a poem it's perfectly fine. I've seen several poems by old and well esteemed poets have lines beginning with and. So that's not so much of a grammar issue anyway.

Besides, if I put the whole thing in proper grammar, it wouldn't be much of a poem, now would it? ;)

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 03:54 PM
Fine, fine, whatever. :P

I still don't like any poetic line that begins with and, I still think it breaks it up, makes it overly choppy.

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 03:56 PM
I told you making things flow wasn't my thing. I'm better at free verse anyway.

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 03:59 PM
I personally have problems with free verse, though. Understandably, then, my instinct is to mke it sound better to my ears.

Pogiforce-14
January 6th, 2005, 04:11 PM
I'm wondering if you read my poem "Strive", which follows a very similar rhyme scheme to this one...

~Ozy~
January 6th, 2005, 05:16 PM
No, actually, I haven't. I only pop in Poetry rarely.

Dignity
January 9th, 2005, 06:09 PM
i think that it is a great but negative poem that holds very true to where i live as well, and as for trying to fix his poem, no offense, but it is HIS poem... he can do anything he wants with it... ._.

Pogiforce-14
January 14th, 2005, 05:38 PM
As of right now, though, after having read it a week after I wrote it, this poem appauls me. It's completely out of my style, and the fact I get a little profane in it makes me think it best if I avoid writing another poem like this as much as possible. I already tend to remove it from my poetry book.