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View Full Version : The Apparently Productions Inc. Presents: Batesy's Short Stury (Story) thread


Jesus Freak Josh
January 15th, 2005, 01:11 AM
Batesy's Short Stury Thread
This thread will be filled with short sturies (stories) made by me. Enjoy. Any feedback and constructive criticsm will be welcome on this thread.

Chapter 1: The Man And His Wife
WARNING: PG for Sexual References.

In a small community, in a small town, lived a man and his wife. The man and his wife were Christians who had been married for many years.

One day a woman came over looking for the man's wife. The man had been faithful to his wife for the years they were married until this moment.
The new woman looked really beautiful. Long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and her bright red top revealed a bit of clevage.
The man invited this beautiful woman in and they talked for a while. The man introduced himself and explained his wife was out at a cenima for work.
Later that evening, the woman was cold and tired. So the man brought her to his bed. The woman asked if he could come in too. The man could not resist her beauty and hopped in.

When the man's wife came home, she looked around and walked into the bedroom. She gasped as she saw her husband and her best friend in the same bed and naked.
The woman left and the man was thrown out of the house. He took a while to think about what he had done and prayed to God for His and the man's wife's forgiveness.

The next morning, the man's wife came out. Before the man could say anything the wife said "I forgive you!". The two hugged eachother and walked back into the house.

***

Later that day, again, the man's wife was out at a cenima.. And yet again,
another beautiful woman came to the door. This time she had short red hair and sunglasses. She wore a blue top exactly like the last one's.
Again, they talked and again, the woman was tired and the man showed her to his bedroom. Again, the woman asked him to get in. The man could not resist and jumped in too.

Again, the man's wife came home and found the two. Again, they were out of the house.
Again, the man prayed to God, this time as well as asking for forgiveness, he asked for resistence to any women that came along. And to make sure he'd never sin again, he asked that if he did it once more, the Lord would strike him dead with lightning.

The next morning the man's wife came out and the first words out of her lips were "I forgive you".

***

Later that same day, the man's wife was going to her final cenima. This meant the man would be able to live if no women came that day and he slept with them.
However, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in the world came to the door. Both were attracted to each other immediately.
"Do you wanna make out?" she asked in her seductive voice. She was REALLY attracted to the man.
The man tried to resist but couldn't. Just as they began kissing, some lightning struck the man and turned him into ash. The woman looked at the ashes, and then left the house.

***

The man was in a place that was too difficult to describe. No word would be able to describe the place.
The dead man saw another man and knew what it was about. The new man walked up to him and before he could say anything, the dead man spoke: "I know what I have done wrong. I am ready to accept my fate!"
The new man nodded and some stairs opened up. The dead man could feel the extreme heat and was quite worried.
Two creatures came up from the stairs. These two were too horrible to describe. If anyone alive saw them, it would definitely scare them to death.
They dragged the man down the stairs into a REALLY horrible place. WAY too horrible to describe. And sitting on a fiery throne was a creature that would be impossible to describe. The man screamed as the monster began it's work. The man knew who it was. The devil. Torture for eternity was what he deserved. At least, that was what he thought.

***

A few years later, the man's wife died. The man was watching her walk up to the same man he saw when he died. The devil was torturing his emotions. However it did not work. For the first time in that place he was in, he was happy. Because a man, too powerful to describe, was walking his wife through the golden gates of Heaven. She made it to the ultimate location!
The man smiled and then sighed as he continued his eternity of punishment.

THE END


What did you think?

AngelWolfie
January 15th, 2005, 01:17 AM
Neatness. Good job, Batesy! ^_^

Kelsey
January 15th, 2005, 09:22 AM
The man deserved what he got. XD It's not fair to sleep with three other women when you have a wonderful wife already. I think it was sweet though how the wife ended up going to heaven.

I only had one problem...maybe you could describe the looks of the man's wife a bit more. The man keeps coming in contact with these other beautiful women, but we don't know what his own wife looks like. Also, the little demons that the man met when he was in Hell could have been described, I was curious as to exactly how horrible they looked.

Very nice short story Batesy, I can't wait until you make more. ^o^

~Kelsey

Jesus Freak Josh
January 15th, 2005, 01:06 PM
The man deserved what he got. XD I guess... It's not fair to sleep with three other women when you have a wonderful wife already. You got that right... I think it was sweet though how the wife ended up going to heaven Yep.

I only had one problem...maybe you could describe the looks of the man's wife a bit more Yeah I was thinking of doing that. The man keeps coming in contact with these other beautiful women, but we don't know what his own wife looks like Yeah I'll try a little more describing of some characters in the next stury. Also, the little demons that the man met when he was in Hell could have been described, I was curious as to exactly how horrible they looked. Well actually, no one knows what the look like, therefore they can't be described. The only adjective that can be used is "Horrible"

Very nice short story Batesy, I can't wait until you make more. ^o^ Yeah I'll get some ideas soon

~Kelsey ~Batesy

Check bold in the quote box.
Before I wrote this I was tossing around the idea of a stroy based off this:
NOTE: This is NOT my story. And it may not be the right wording.

The Pastor went up to the front of the church and said "My friends, today for the sermon, I would like one of my old friends to speak!"
From next to where the pastor was sitting, an elderly man got up and walked to the front.
"My friends," he began. "I would like to do something different for the sermon today. I would like to tell a story about a man's toughest decision!" there was silence in the church and the man went on.

"There was a man, his son and his son's friend walking down the beach one morning. The two children decided to go for a swim. The man sat out under a tree and watched.
Later, a storm came in, he yelled to the children to come back, but they couldn't hear. They were having too much fun. And then the man saw how close they were swimming to a whirlpool. Then it was THEM who called out to the man. The man could only save one. He knew that his son was a Christian and his friend was not.
The man tossed a rescue ring out to his son's friend whilst yelling 'Son I love you! And I know you will be accepted into the kingdom of God!'. He started pulling in the son's friend.
When he had pulled the boy in, his son had completely disappeared."

The elderly man took his seat and everyone looked stunned.
"Ummm..." said the Pastor thinking of something to say. "Church is dismissed!"

On the elderly man's way out, two teenage boys walked up to him.
"That was a good story!" said one boy.
"But it was a bit unrealistic!" said the other.
"It may have seen unrealistic," said the man. "But the truth is this. I was that man and that friend is now your Pastor. It was all true!"

Kelsey
January 15th, 2005, 03:16 PM
Check bold in the quote box.
Before I wrote this I was tossing around the idea of a stroy based off this:
NOTE: This is NOT my story. And it may not be the right wording.

The Pastor went up to the front of the church and said "My friends, today for the sermon, I would like one of my old friends to speak!"
From next to where the pastor was sitting, an elderly man got up and walked to the front.
"My friends," he began. "I would like to do something different for the sermon today. I would like to tell a story about a man's toughest decision!" there was silence in the church and the man went on.

"There was a man, his son and his son's friend walking down the beach one morning. The two children decided to go for a swim. The man sat out under a tree and watched.
Later, a storm came in, he yelled to the children to come back, but they couldn't hear. They were having too much fun. And then the man saw how close they were swimming to a whirlpool. Then it was THEM who called out to the man. The man could only save one. He knew that his son was a Christian and his friend was not.
The man tossed a rescue ring out to his son's friend whilst yelling 'Son I love you! And I know you will be accepted into the kingdom of God!'. He started pulling in the son's friend.
When he had pulled the boy in, his son had completely disappeared."

The elderly man took his seat and everyone looked stunned.
"Ummm..." said the Pastor thinking of something to say. "Church is dismissed!"

On the elderly man's way out, two teenage boys walked up to him.
"That was a good story!" said one boy.
"But it was a bit unrealistic!" said the other.
"It may have seen unrealistic," said the man. "But the truth is this. I was that man and that friend is now your Pastor. It was all true!"

First, I have found a few problems. ^^;

In the second paragraph, where it says:
"My friends," he began. "I would like to do something different for the sermon today. I would like to tell a story about a man's toughest decision!" there was silence in the church and the man went on.

The 'there' should be capitalized, due to the fact that the Pastor's sentence had ended. ^^

Also, in the next paragraph:
"There was a man, his son and his son's friend walking down the beach one morning. The two children decided to go for a swim. The man sat out under a tree and watched."

The 'there' needn't be capitalized seeing as it is still the same person who is speaking.
-----------

I found this fan fic to be quite unnerving. OO; I found it sad how the man left his own flesh and blood to drown, knowing that his son would be able to go to heaven.

But, his son's friend wasn't religious, apparently, so he would be sent to Hell, which is why the man saved the son's friend instead.

Although I can see the man's reasoning, I was still sickened by his actions. He could have at least devised a plan to save them both, let alone his very own son.
-------------

Now, I am not sure if this fic is your's Batesy, but I'll give my suggestions anyway. ^^

You should be more descriptive, even in a short story, describing everything counts. For it lets the reader know who the characters are and what they ar elike and so on. It also gives the reader the ability to foreshadow some events as well. ^_____^
----------

Awsome fic, even though I'm still a bit freaked out by it. XD It was pretty good. ^^

~Kelsey

Jesus Freak Josh
January 15th, 2005, 05:42 PM
It was the right choice actually. The son got accepted into heaven, and the son's friend would then too.
It's actually pretty logical.
Like I said this story was not mine and I got the wording wrong. I think when I heard it there was more reason.

Kelsey
January 16th, 2005, 08:21 AM
^___^ Yes, I suppose it was a good choice in the sense that both children would go to heaven. It's just bothersome to me that people take religion too far sometimes. The man didn't even try to save both children.

But, as I said, I do understand the reasoning. ^o^

~Kelsey