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AngelWolfie
January 15th, 2005, 02:03 AM
K, this is my first story, so constructive critisism is totally welcome ^^;


Restoring the Light
By Lindsey Y. Selvog



Prologue
Year 7000 b.c.
The shrill cries of dragons and griffins pierced the night air, as talons, teeth and beaks tore viciously at the creatures that they belonged to. A griffin clung to the neck of a colossal, pitch black dragon by the name of Tellam, the dragon tribes ruler. Tellam shrieked as pain shot up his thick, sinewy neck, and attempted to shake the young, strong griffin off of him.
The griffin, RainFeather, dug his sharp talons deeper into the sides of Tellams neck, and felt his claws cut through Tellams scaly flesh. Tellam turned to RainFeather and opened his mouth, revealing vicious, viper-like fangs, and RainFeather was forced to let go. He fell, and just as he began spreading his silvery wings, He was knocked aside by Tellams broad, reptilian tail. RainFeathers breath was knocked right out of him, and he fell wide-eyed into the ocean below.
Thoughts raced though the mighty griffins head during the few seconds he was falling. He had lost. The battle was over. He would die. The others might not defeat the dark dragons without him. The dragons would have their world domination. He felt pain quickly spread throughout his body as he hit the icy sea water.

Chapter 1
Year 2300 a.d.
The seemingly lifeless body of a young girl floated in a large container filled with a strange transparent purple chemical. She had long silvery hair, and her human ears were slowly mutating into furry white pointed ears. Her backbone had grown longer, and she had what looked like a white tail of some sort.
Mutters filled the laboratory as this bizarre change progressed.

Do you think shell live?

Will she be intelligent?

Suddenly all the big container stopped glowing, and the dim laboratory went completely dark, all but a pair of light blue-almost white eyes glowing from within the container. The eyes blinked and sank toward the floor.
The substance in the container began glowing again, and the girl was on her hands and knees on the floor, gasping for breath. She stared up at the scientists as they rapidly wrote notes on clipboards. She shivered, the air was cold, and she didnt know where she was Who she wasOr even what she was. Why didnt these other creatures assist her, or even attack her? It was disturbing how they just stood there, their mouths agape, whispering things that she could not comprehend.
She felt threatened. There had to be a way out of here. She stood upright and attacked the nearest man, out of fear more than hate. She tore his shirt as she pulled him out of the way and ran toward the nearest exit. She hit the door hard with her hand, and it didnt open.
Freeze, you monster! a voice shouted. The girl turned to see one of the creatures in white pointing a strange metallic object at her. A deep growl came from her throat as she prepared to attack. She was cornered, and very afraid. She ran toward the creature, and immediately felt a sharp pain in her right shoulder. She fell to the floor, unconscious.
The girl awoke alone on a soft ground. She could hear nothing but high-pitched, but sweet sounds around her. The air had an interesting smell. The girl opened her eyes and gasped when she saw the world around her. Tall brown and green objects surrounded her, and the ground was covered by moss.
The soft green growth was soft and moist, but somewhat warm. She sat up, and felt a cold breeze send chills throughout her bare body. She tore some patches of moss off the ground, and with it came a bit of soil, but she didnt care. It was beginning to drizzle lightly, and it was quite cold. She attempted to cover herself with the patches of moss, but it didnt work well.
Something moved in the corner of the girls eye. She looked over at the odd, delicate creature wandering past. The wind carried its scent toward the girl, and the scent was very appealing in an interesting way. The girl stood and slowly moves toward the animal, which was now grazing on the mossy ground. The girl leapt at the animal, and pulled it to the ground. She hit the animals neck with her fist as hard as possible, and heard a loud crack. She had killed it. Now what? She grabbed the animals skin and pulled. She had opened part of the animal! She continued to pull the skin and some eventually just peeled off. The girl was fascinated by this. She wiped the blood off of the skin. The smell of the deers flesh was wonderful.




Chapter two coming uh..later :P

Kelsey
January 15th, 2005, 09:14 AM
K, this is my first story, so constructive critisism is totally welcome ^^;


Restoring the Light
By Lindsey Y. Selvog



Prologue
Year 7000 b.c.
The shrill cries of dragons and griffins pierced the night air, as talons, teeth and beaks tore viciously at the creatures that they belonged to. A griffin clung to the neck of a colossal, pitch black dragon by the name of Tellam, the dragon tribes ruler. Tellam shrieked as pain shot up his thick, sinewy neck, and attempted to shake the young, strong griffin off of him.
The griffin, RainFeather, dug his sharp talons deeper into the sides of Tellams neck, and felt his claws cut through Tellams scaly flesh. Tellam turned to RainFeather and opened his mouth, revealing vicious, viper-like fangs, and RainFeather was forced to let go. He fell, and just as he began spreading his silvery wings, He was knocked aside by Tellams broad, reptilian tail. RainFeathers breath was knocked right out of him, and he fell wide-eyed into the ocean below.
Thoughts raced though the mighty griffins head during the few seconds he was falling. He had lost. The battle was over. He would die. The others might not defeat the dark dragons without him. The dragons would have their world domination. He felt pain quickly spread throughout his body as he hit the icy sea water.

Chapter 1
Year 2300 a.d.
The seemingly lifeless body of a young girl floated in a large container filled with a strange transparent purple chemical. She had long silvery hair, and her human ears were slowly mutating into furry white pointed ears. Her backbone had grown longer, and she had what looked like a white tail of some sort.
Mutters filled the laboratory as this bizarre change progressed.

Do you think shell live?

Will she be intelligent?

Suddenly all the big container stopped glowing, and the dim laboratory went completely dark, all but a pair of light blue-almost white eyes glowing from within the container. The eyes blinked and sank toward the floor.
The substance in the container began glowing again, and the girl was on her hands and knees on the floor, gasping for breath. She stared up at the scientists as they rapidly wrote notes on clipboards. She shivered, the air was cold, and she didnt know where she was Who she wasOr even what she was. Why didnt these other creatures assist her, or even attack her? It was disturbing how they just stood there, their mouths agape, whispering things that she could not comprehend.
She felt threatened. There had to be a way out of here. She stood upright and attacked the nearest man, out of fear more than hate. She tore his shirt as she pulled him out of the way and ran toward the nearest exit. She hit the door hard with her hand, and it didnt open.
Freeze, you monster! a voice shouted. The girl turned to see one of the creatures in white pointing a strange metallic object at her. A deep growl came from her throat as she prepared to attack. She was cornered, and very afraid. She ran toward the creature, and immediately felt a sharp pain in her right shoulder. She fell to the floor, unconscious.
The girl awoke alone on a soft ground. She could hear nothing but high-pitched, but sweet sounds around her. The air had an interesting smell. The girl opened her eyes and gasped when she saw the world around her. Tall brown and green objects surrounded her, and the ground was covered by moss.
The soft green growth was soft and moist, but somewhat warm. She sat up, and felt a cold breeze send chills throughout her bare body. She tore some patches of moss off the ground, and with it came a bit of soil, but she didnt care. It was beginning to drizzle lightly, and it was quite cold. She attempted to cover herself with the patches of moss, but it didnt work well.
Something moved in the corner of the girls eye. She looked over at the odd, delicate creature wandering past. The wind carried its scent toward the girl, and the scent was very appealing in an interesting way. The girl stood and slowly moves toward the animal, which was now grazing on the mossy ground. The girl leapt at the animal, and pulled it to the ground. She hit the animals neck with her fist as hard as possible, and heard a loud crack. She had killed it. Now what? She grabbed the animals skin and pulled. She had opened part of the animal! She continued to pull the skin and some eventually just peeled off. The girl was fascinated by this. She wiped the blood off of the skin. The smell of the deers flesh was wonderful.




Chapter two coming uh..later :P

Wow! Now, me, being a lover of dragons and fictional stories, I really enjoyed this fic. I adored your prologue, with an epic battle of dragons and griffins. It was really intriguing and urged me to read more.

Chapter one was really well written. It starts off almost how Mewtwo had in Pokemon the First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back. <3 I can imagine the young girl with her silvery hair, bright eyes, and a long slender tail. I think you depicted her actions very well. How she was scared and confused as to why these scientists were just standing there, staring. Not even helping her, or attacking her for that matter.

You described the scenery very well too. I had trouble with one part though...
"Suddenly all the big container stopped glowing,..." It doesn't really make sense, maybe instead you should say "Suddenly, the large container ceist to glow," or "Suddenly, the enormous container stopped glowing," or something along those lines. ^^

I saw one spelling error:
"The girl stood and slowly moves toward the animal" 'moves' should be 'moved'. ^^

Very well done, RE, I can't wait for chapter two! ^^

~Kelsey

AngelWolfie
January 15th, 2005, 12:12 PM
Thanks :P I'll get to chapter 2 as soon as my brain wakes up XD

Claire
January 15th, 2005, 01:44 PM
Wonderful story ^^ i loved the prologue greatly ^^
One minor crit -you didn't mention that the girl had been freed from the container / whether the substance was liquid/air. I mention this because she starts to gasp for air (was this due to the substance being a poison gas?) and then attacks someone without seemingly breaking anything
Truly lovely story though ^^

AngelWolfie
January 15th, 2005, 02:11 PM
Substance was liquid ^^; I never thought anyone would think it was gas, sorry :P

Claire
January 15th, 2005, 03:19 PM
Yeah, but then that's my point -you didn't mention the liquid being drained or the capsule being taken down ^^;