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Flygon_Zero
January 15th, 2005, 09:17 PM
Alright, not my best, and probably not the longest, but I just wrote it today out of boredom....xD
Anyways, here goes....

Prologue
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That Im not the only person with these things in mind

A dark light filled the room and I was covered in sweat. I don'tknow for how long, but I had been running for quite a while. From what though? Even I didn't know. All I knew was that if I stopped, it would get me, and then it would all be over.
I heard a strange sound, something you'd expect to hear out in the rainforest to signal the arrival of a grand beast. My first though was to run again, screaming my lungs out. My next was to stop running and finally face the evil that had plagued my mind for so many nights.
Being the weak person I am though, I chose the first choice and ran away, screaming into the shadows. In the blink of an eye, the dark room had become a dark alley, and I was now in the city. I kept running, not even minding this change of location.
I ran for who knows how long again and found myself facing a dead end. I felt a feeling of hopelessness overpower me as I collapsed to the ground. Rain had begun to fall and had covered my tears. I looked down and found myself staring into a puddle. It was just forming, but it was enough to reflect an image. It was me. The raindrops hit the image and it would distort a bit, but it was a crystal clear image of me.
My blue hair had already been soaked and was falling heavily to the sides, and my usually emotionless blue eyes showed a new side of me. A side filled with sadness and hopelessness. Tears welled up in my eyes again and this time, not even the rain would cover them.
As the first tear reached the poodle, the scene changed once more, and I was now in an even stranger place. Neon lights filled the room, eliminating all darkness. Although it seemed cheery and safe, upon closer inspection, a foul stench filled it. It was a stench known to few, a smell of death.
I began frantically searching the room for a way out, but found nothing. Just more lights, and yet another wild sound. Whatever had been chasing me had finally reached me.
I searched once more, trying to at least get a glimpse at it before my death, but found nothing. The blinding light from the neon caught me off guard and shattered my sight. I tried turning to lessen the effect, but found nothing more than a giant claw moving quickly towards my face.
" Gah!!!" I screamed." Another dream! ****! One of these days I'll stand and fight it. Win or lose at least it will all be over," I proclaimed, wiping off some sweat from my face.
What is it though? I questioned...

Kyosuke
January 15th, 2005, 09:31 PM
Great job FZ, I absolutly loved reading this and how the story slowly developed overtime from something that seemed real, to just being a dream.

I really thought that it would be longer, you worked it up to the climax so much it made me wanting more (if that sounded right), and it ended quickly leaving a sort of, "Its over already" feeling to it.

If this is a "one shot" is should have been longer, but if you are planning on adding chapters to it, you're doing great so far and continue that way.

Even though I'm not one to point out spelling errors, I thought I should when you said, "As the first tear reached the poodle" XD.

Burne Starcofski
January 15th, 2005, 09:31 PM
Oooh...Is it horror? If so, then that's an amazing start!
If not, then keep going, I still love it!

Flygon_Zero
January 15th, 2005, 09:39 PM
Great job FZ, I absolutly loved reading this and how the story slowly developed overtime from something that seemed real, to just being a dream.

I really thought that it would be longer, you worked it up to the climax so much it made me wanting more (if that sounded right), and it ended quickly leaving a sort of, "Its over already" feeling to it.

If this is a "one shot" is should have been longer, but if you are planning on adding chapters to it, you're doing great so far and continue that way.

Even though I'm not one to point out spelling errors, I thought I should when you said, "As the first tear reached the poodle" XD.

OMG xD
poodle....xD
Well, it's not a one shot, it's going on longer.
I actually enjoyed writing this one, and I'm glad it left you both wanting more! xD

Kelsey
January 16th, 2005, 09:49 AM
Alright, not my best, and probably not the longest, but I just wrote it today out of boredom....xD
Anyways, here goes....

Prologue
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That Im not the only person with these things in mind

A dark light filled the room and I was covered in sweat. I don'tknow for how long, but I had been running for quite a while. From what though? Even I didn't know. All I knew was that if I stopped, it would get me, and then it would all be over.
I heard a strange sound, something you'd expect to hear out in the rainforest to signal the arrival of a grand beast. My first though was to run again, screaming my lungs out. My next was to stop running and finally face the evil that had plagued my mind for so many nights.
Being the weak person I am though, I chose the first choice and ran away, screaming into the shadows. In the blink of an eye, the dark room had become a dark alley, and I was now in the city. I kept running, not even minding this change of location.
I ran for who knows how long again and found myself facing a dead end. I felt a feeling of hopelessness overpower me as I collapsed to the ground. Rain had begun to fall and had covered my tears. I looked down and found myself staring into a puddle. It was just forming, but it was enough to reflect an image. It was me. The raindrops hit the image and it would distort a bit, but it was a crystal clear image of me.
My blue hair had already been soaked and was falling heavily to the sides, and my usually emotionless blue eyes showed a new side of me. A side filled with sadness and hopelessness. Tears welled up in my eyes again and this time, not even the rain would cover them.
As the first tear reached the poodle, the scene changed once more, and I was now in an even stranger place. Neon lights filled the room, eliminating all darkness. Although it seemed cheery and safe, upon closer inspection, a foul stench filled it. It was a stench known to few, a smell of death.
I began frantically searching the room for a way out, but found nothing. Just more lights, and yet another wild sound. Whatever had been chasing me had finally reached me.
I searched once more, trying to at least get a glimpse at it before my death, but found nothing. The blinding light from the neon caught me off guard and shattered my sight. I tried turning to lessen the effect, but found nothing more than a giant claw moving quickly towards my face.
" Gah!!!" I screamed." Another dream! ****! One of these days I'll stand and fight it. Win or lose at least it will all be over," I proclaimed, wiping off some sweat from my face.
What is it though? I questioned...

Wow, Rudy. O___O This, being only a prologue, was awsome! I really liked the parts when the boy would be in one location, then suddenly shift to another. It added a really neat affect to it when you read it. ^___^

Well, Lance already mentioned you poodle error. XD But I did find a couple others. ^^

I put them in bold in the quote above. You just forgot to place a space in between 'didn't' and 'know'. ^__^ Also, the word 'though' in bold should be 'thought', but those are just minor mistakes. ^^

You get kind of a sense of panic in this fic. For something appears to be after the boy, but we don't know what it is yet, being only a dream. ^___^

I got quite excited when I read this fic, Rudy, I can't wait for more chapters. ^^

~Kelsey

Angel Tabitha
January 19th, 2005, 07:43 PM
OMG!Rudy!That a great start!I really do hope you get ideas for the first chapter soon!

Lizzie
January 20th, 2005, 10:56 AM
man that had some real disco horror XD do you have a fear of the 80's Rudy?? jk XD nice job! 9/10 watch your spelling though, the evil poodles will get you for that XD

Flygon_Zero
January 20th, 2005, 06:53 PM
Disco? Oo

Oh you mean the neon room! xD
Yeah...hehehe..
I have an 80's phobia! xD

Anyways, Chapter one is still in the idea stage. By tonight, my time anyways, it will be in the Beta stage, being read and edited for spelling and stuff by a select few, and then posted here. I hope anyways....
There will also be surprise appearances by PC people in the story.
Also, there will be a huge surprise attempted between me and another talented writer going on. If it fails, oh well. But we shall still try! xD

KoBRe LaiR
January 21st, 2005, 06:32 PM
I wnat to see more... ^^
Um.. what to say.. yeah its cool Rudy, I like the epilogue, and eager for the rest. Btw, when are you releasing Chap 1?
great job again, continue with it and good luck writing more.

Carlito-san
January 22nd, 2005, 11:22 AM
As being my self,I PMed what I think to you.Very nice.10/10

Kelsey
January 22nd, 2005, 12:35 PM
Disco? Oo

Oh you mean the neon room! xD
Yeah...hehehe..
I have an 80's phobia! xD

Anyways, Chapter one is still in the idea stage. By tonight, my time anyways, it will be in the Beta stage, being read and edited for spelling and stuff by a select few, and then posted here. I hope anyways....
There will also be surprise appearances by PC people in the story.
Also, there will be a huge surprise attempted between me and another talented writer going on. If it fails, oh well. But we shall still try! xD

Woot, I can't wait until the first chapter is out. I think it's very good of you to be checking things over in your chapter first. That way, you're much less likely to have to kepp running back and forth to change your errors. ^^ *pokes* XD

~Kelsey

Youko Kurama
January 22nd, 2005, 01:51 PM
Kelsey, dunno if that's a good or bad thing, knowing you though, it's the nicest mix of both! XD

Anyways, I am currently only receiving comments from one tester, and am incredibly tempted to post the chapter already.
I know I'll regret it as it's not ready, or even very well written.
It doesnt even make sense, but I'm so tempted, I might just post it.
My favorite teacher always said never second guess yourself, your first choice is usually the right one.
So I hope I choose right! XD

Carlito-san
January 22nd, 2005, 02:12 PM
Post it!It porbably is good.^__^

Youko Kurama
January 22nd, 2005, 02:37 PM
You asked for it...Mind you, it's not the best, it's not good, and it's not really ready. However, I want to post it, and see what everyone else thinks I should have fixed. What other way will I get better? It's probably not even formatted properly anymore...XD

Chapter 1-Kayumi and Alex
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
And watches everything
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

Ah well, nothing to worry about too much I guess. Hopefully, this is the
last time I have that dream. It's not what I call a good way to sleep...I
thought to myself.

" God, this place is such a sty," I muttered, looking out at the ocean of
empty pizza boxes. " Ah well, guess it'll just have to wait until after
work."

I made my way through this ocean of boxes, all still smelling like out of
the oven pizza. I was a freak for pizza and had a strange attachment to each box. I always just said it was because pizza was delicious, but I always
knew it was because of her. She always made me eat pizza with her, even
after I quit the force. She was so beautiful too. Just looking at her smile,
rare as it was, filled me with an odd joy. A joy I hadn't felt since he
died.
It was all my fault....I thought.

I rushed out of the room, tears already beginning to well up again. I had
always felt guilty for causing his death. He was my best friend, and I
killed him. After that, I left my old life behind, name and all, and took on
my new identity. Kayumi was my name now, and everyone knew me as that.
The once packed roads of New York were now empty. Left to be as a landmark to the age of gas powered cars, and as a viewing spot to the hover car highways. They were, as was said, the future. Every gas powered car was replaced with a hover car, and each person was happy.

Air pollution ended, and oddly enough, it was discovered that was the thing
holding us back from further evolution. Shortly afterwards, everyone had
developed gifts if you will. Some used them for the greater good, as I used
to, and others used them for their own selfish gain.


NEW YORK BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN

The newspaper article said the same today as it had said for almost a year
now. This thief was the reason I was forced to quit the force.
Too much interest and attachment, they had said. But since when was that a bad thing for a police officer? I always thought we were supposed to car
about catching the perp, at any cost...I said to myself.
" Tonight's the night I catch you though. I know where you're headed, and
I'll be there waiting for you," I muttered.

This theif stole mainly fine art and jewels, a cliche but powerful theft.
Since security systems had also evolved greatly, being able to get by them
was a huge achievement in itself. Being able to evade police and all their
gifts and gadgets was an entirely new version of " big achievement."
That Night....

Night had come awfully fast tonight, and I never even got a chance to stare
up at the stars. This was probably for the best though. The stars always got
me thinking about both of them, and that was something I hated doing.
I quickly made my way to the top of the building where this thief was going
to make there escape and waited eagerly.
Just a while longer I thought...

" Why am I not surprised to see you here Pierre?"I heard from behind me.
A tall figure, dressed in all black clothes stared back at me. It was a male
thief, that was for sure. A muscled appearance eminated from this man.
Although his face was covered by a dark blue scarf from the nose down, I
knew I had seen him before. His pale blue eyes just seemed so familiar.

" How do you know my name?" I asked, coldly and angered. " No one knows
about Pierre. He's been dead for years."
" Just like Alex right?Oh don't worry, I won't tell anyone you killed your
best friend. That will just stay between us!" he said. He was toying with my
mind, and enjoying every bit of it.

" You sick freak!" I yelled, charging at him.
Not even for a moment did he seem to move. I made contact and we both fell
to the floor of this bank.
Yet, even in this situation, all he did was laugh.
" What's so funny you psycho?" I asked angrily.

" Why not check for yourself!?" he mumbled. He fought his left hand free and
pulled off his scarf.

I jumped off of him, and quickly ran to a good distance, my face now pale as
that of someone who just saw a ghost. Words had completely escaped me, and he lifted himself up, still laughing. His laugh hit me hard now though. It
was as if this whole time, he wanted me to catch him, just wanted to see me
shake.
" Surprised Pierre? Did you really think I was dead? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk," he
said, making the appropriate motions to follow. " No one, not even you, can
ever really kill me!"

" Alex... You're alive. I should have known you would be. This is actually
kind of a relief. It means I can now have the pleasure of truly killing you,
and burying Pierre forever!!!!" I screamed.
I had begun to charge at him again, when I heard yet another voice. This one
stopped me dead in my tracks though, and froze me even more than finding out I really hadn't killed my best friend.

" Kayumi...." a whispering voice said.

Carlito-san
January 22nd, 2005, 02:44 PM
I must say.Very deep.Yet not as good as the prolouge,it lacks the sense of extreme emotion.Great though.9.6/10

Youko Kurama
January 22nd, 2005, 03:32 PM
I always think my prologues are better than everything else I write as well.
It's because I get more into the prologue than into the rest of the story,
Don't ask why, it's just how I function! XD

Carlito-san
January 22nd, 2005, 03:33 PM
Yes, agree.Still very very nice.If you ever need me to beta chapter 2,I'll gladly review and comment on it.

Dark Light Angel
January 22nd, 2005, 06:25 PM
Ok.i dragged myself here and read the chapter again.Happy?Yes it is nice but like B and yourself said the prolouge was better.Still it was very good.

Youko Kurama
January 24th, 2005, 06:04 PM
Alright, you asked for it. EVen though it sucks and has tons of Spelling errors, here goes. So enjoy? XD


Chapter 2-A Forgotten History
It cant be frightening if youve never felt it
Once its been dealt with you feel like youve been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the karma when the problems all gone
And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you cant let be
And that reasonll last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if youre willing to
Put a stop to just whats killing you


I slowly dared to turn to view what I knew would be bad.

"Kayumi...." I heard once more.

I quickly turned as I realized trying to escape her would be stupid. "Arimi! What are you doing here!?" I asked, pretending not to know the answers.

She just continued muttering Kayumi a few times, before she just collapsed to her knees. As her head fell limply along with the rest of her, I noticed something through her beautiful hair. A single tear seemed to be making its way down her cheek, and for a minute, I actually felt bad. I ran over to her though, feeling all too responsible for this.I wrapped my arms around her should and tried to bring her up a bit off of the ground.

" Arimi, it's ok. He's gone and we're safe again," I whispered.

" Liar..." she whispered.

" What was that Arimi? I couldn't hear you properly,"I said.

" LIAR!!" she screamed as she freed herself from my grip and lifted herself up. She unholstered her gun and aimed it right at my forehead. " You lied! You're not even Kayumi! You're some sort of monster that's been working with him from the start! You've only been worried about finding him and slowing us at the station down! Admit it!"

" He was supposed to be dead. He should have died all those years ago. How was I supposed to know that the very thief I had been chasing after would be my best friend!? A friend I thought I had buried! Answer me that! How should I have known he would come back, just to do this!? How!?" I asked, each question shooting out of my mouth faster than I could think, faster than I could even hear the last question.

The point was, he was supposed to be dead. I had killed him. So why was he here? I asked myself.

Arimi had finally calmed down a bit, and just stood there in front of me. Her hair had already taken on it's full color now, no longer reflecting the night lights. It was odd though, her hair was white as snow, and yet it reflected the light of anything that touched it. This was the first time in a long while I had seen Arimi. It had been since my discharge at the office I last got a good look at her. Her uniform was a bit dirty, but the same non the less. A plain blue suit, like those used in the beginning of the Twentieth Century, but with a bit more style. Along the sleeves were several different designs, customizable by the officer wearing the suit. Currently, she had on her sleeves two zodiac symbols. The Twins of Gemini on the left, and the Archer of Sagittarius on her right. She had always loved Archery, and she had trained her body for it as well.

She was tall, thin, and still quite muscular. Enough muscle at least, to pull back a stiff bow string. She had a great shot though, and from time to time, I always told her her eyes were like laser targeters. They were a crimson red, and always glowed before she shot. It was when they were white, as they were now, that I became worried. When they were this color, it always meant something bad would happen. Whether it be her missing, or her temper flaring, maybe even losing control of her powers, it was always bad.

" Tell me everything! Now!" She ordered, gun re aimed, and a look of pure hatred on her face.

She hates me so much right now. I can't blame her though. I lied to her. Even when we had reached the point of no longer keeping secrets in our relationship, I lied to her. We would have been so happy together, married, and already starting parenthood. If it hadn't been for that case. Why did she have to know it all though? This would only make things worse. I thought.

" Alright, " I sighed," I'll tell you everything...Just answer me this. How did you know we'd be up here? What made you come up here?"

She almost put her gun down, as if to answer my question, but reaimed and said," This is neither the time or the place. Get on with the story or I swear to you I will kill you right here. So I'd suggest you talk, and talk fast!"

I stood myself up and walked on over to the edge of the building. I leaned a bit over the safety rails of it, looking forth at the highways, and shut my eyes. Everything slowly began coming back to me, replaying as if it were some sort of movie. I saw it all.

" It all began a few years ago, back when Pierre and Alex first met. We were both after the same thing, the Death Jade. We met for the first time in the museum were we thought it was being held. Two young thieves, still scrawny and weak, and barely of age to even be out so late. We had both gotten past the mediocre laser security, and when we made eye contact, neither of us worried. We both knew we had gotten false information."

Kyosuke
January 27th, 2005, 06:04 AM
Closed by request of Youko Kurama.

*Closed*