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parallelzero
January 20th, 2005, 03:17 PM
Well, I thought I'd post something I wrote for English, as bad as it is. But hey! I wrote something! XD
Advice is warmly welcomed, as I'm getting back into writing again. This is the first part out of the series.

The Askan Chronicles: Beginning of the End?
Written by David Eddy (Daisuke)

500 years ago, a power was sealed deep within the ground of Asengualda. Sephilith, Lord of Shadows, had betrayed his nation. He had summoned demons from the Underworld, and sent them upon the many villages and towns, hoping to destroy every single person, so the world could be his. However, he did not expect a man named Rewquil Siatne, equipped with a combination of white and black magic, to seal him in the depths of the Underworld, along with the many demons he had summoned. The world returned to its former glory once again. However, peace doesnt last forever.

What do you mean my daughter is missing!? A short, plump man with a long, grey beard yelled, pacing back in forth in front of a throne. This was all that could be heard from inside Castle Winigal, exactly 500 years after Sephilith was sealed away.
Yes, she has run away your majesty! Bobbidi exclaimed. Bobbidi was a short old man, his body almost always concealed by a pitch black robe. Im afraid she might have discovered our plans for the Gate to the Underworld!

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Hahaha! This girl has got to be crazy! Askan, a boy only of the age of 14, heard in the distance. Askan was a tall, skinny boy, standing at the height of about 511. He had deep blue eyes, and hair a shade of red that it almost looked orange. He was dressed in the fashion of the time. Brown rags. Curious about what was going on, he left in search of the cause.

He didnt travel far until he found the man from earlier in an alleyway. He was a very glutinous man, and as bald as a babys bottom. Though he was dressed in more proper clothes then Askan. With King Canya maybe? The girl on the other hand, looked like a princess to Askan. She had long dark brown hair, that was tied in a ponytail, and she wore a beautiful baby blue coloured gown. When the man took his sword to the girls neck, Askan knew it was time to step in.

Hey, blubber butt! Askan called as he ran out from behind the wall into the alleyway, assuming a defensive position.
What did you say to me, kid? The man questioned as he removed the sword from the girls neck, sounding very cocky.
You heard me, porky!
Thats it kid, time to die! The man yelled as he ran at Askan, Askan just standing there.
You think a man YOUR size can catch me? Pfft...
The man leapt at Askan, the sword raised for attacking, though Askan didnt even budge. When the man had contact, the girl shrieked as he flew right through Askans body, the boy disappearing. The man left dazed, twitching in pain on the ground.
Askan Peerion, Master of Illusions! A voice called from the end of the alleyway.
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Shes been sighted in Cacranon? the king mumbled, stroking his grey beard profusely. And shes with a boy you say?
Yes your majesty, but the boy has a strange power! Bobbidi cried as he began walking towards the door. But there is no time for her! We must begin the operation NOW!
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Takita Winigal. the girl introduced herself to Askan, curtseying neatly. But you can just call me Taki, Mr. Peerion.
Taki, walking through the dirty, dark, gloomy town, dressed like that, stood out like a sore thumb. Cacranon hadnt seen sunlight since Canya took the throne, killing the crops. The towns condition was bad, really bad.

So, whats a girl like you doing in a place like this? Askan asked Taki as he walked along beside her, keeping a steady pace. His hands were placed behind his head, elbows extending outwards from the body.
Im actually here to warn everyone! King Canya... my father, is planning to open the Gate to the Underworld!

Upon hearing this, Askan grabbed her arm and pulled is into an alleyway, cuffing her mouth with his right hand. What the heck is he thinking!? Askan yelled as he began to curse violently. He could have us all killed!

The Gates to the Underworld, are what separate light from dark, humans from demons. Its where Sephilith and his demon slaves were sealed 500 years ago. If it was to be opened, the whole world would be doomed!
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Your majesty, the gate is almost open! Bobbidi reported. They had moved to the southeast end of the Agland Desert, just north of Cacranon. Implanted into Hockronesia Peak, was a humongous door, human skulls for handles. Pull on said handles, were a group of smelly, ugly trolls, each one the size of three men. A loud creaking noise was heard as the doors began to swing open, and a blast of red hot energy was sent flying out of the door, incinerating the last of the troll species. It was the beginning, of the end....
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We have to hurry! Askan cried after noticing the red light radiating from the desert. He had grabbed Taki by the arm, and was running through Hadracis Forest, pulling her behind. Hadracis Forest connected the desert and Cacranoth, and was dark, no matter the weather, as the trees were so close, they filtered out all sunlight. Askan knew something was wrong. This usually thriving forest was as silent as a churchmouse...

Askan came to a sudden halt at the edge of the forest. Approaching across the desert sand was a pack of wolves. Something was odd however, as they were as black as night, and had blood red, glowing eyes, that would give even the fiercest fighters the chills.
They were obviously demons from the Underworld, so Askan drew his dagger, and motioned for Taki to hide. She did as she was told, and Askan disappeared into thin air, reappearing on the demons back. He began thrusting his dagger into the demons skull, until it fell over. Askan, however, had failed to plan what he would do next, and he rolled off the fallen demons body, into a hole in the sand.

The remaining demons began digging around the hole, trying to force him out. Askan thought he was doomed. He didnt even have enough energy to transport himself out. Just when all hope was lost however, he heard the loud yelp of a demon, and he saw it fly past the hole opening. Intrigued, he stuck his head out to take a look.

There was a man, but not an ordinary man. A Nekotama. Nekotamas resembled that of a cat to some extent. They looked almost completely human, but had cat ears and a cat tail, thought of to be extinct. This one was very muscular and tall, with green catlike eyes, along with brown cat ears and a brown cat tail planted on his body covered in armour.

The man single handedly took out the demons, until there was one left. Just as he was about to finish him off, the demon lunged at him, shoving its claws through the mans heart, and ran away.

Askan, now accompanied by Taki, ran over to the Nekotama, and kneeled down beside him. He was gasping for breath, lying on his back. The wound appeared to be fatal. The man, extended his hand, and tears began streaming down Takis cheeks.

You two. I trust you two can save this world, along with my species... the man grunted as he opened his palm. Askan just nodded as two orbs of bright light floated from his palm, one flying inside of Taki, one in Askan. Their version was blurred by a bright light, and then darkness...

Askan awoke some time later to the sound of birds chirping, which he found odd. The world HAD just been over run with demons. He opened his eyes, and found Taki staring at him. You finally up, sleepyhead? she asked, looking concerned about something.

Yeah, Im up. Where- Askan tried to say, not finishing his sentence. He had finally gotten a good look at Taki now, and he noticed two brown cat ears, and a cat tail on her body. What happened!?!?

I think it has something to do with that Nekotama. Taki said before stepping back a bit. They were in a forest, and it was sunny? Where were they? And besides, you have them too!

What!? Askan yelled, falling off the log he was sleeping on. He flung around to see an orange coloured tail shooting from his back. He stumbled over to a puddle, where he got a look at his reflection. His eyes had become cat-like, and he had two orangey cat ears on his head. What did we get ourselves into...? ------ Story 1- Fin

Kyosuke
January 20th, 2005, 04:19 PM
Nice, great story I love the plot that you have, with the demons from underworld and Askan the hero who will most likely stop this from going on, with Taki who seems to be his sidekick. You already have a solid storyline in the first series, which is excellent.

The only problems at this point is how you're introducing the new characters, you give a good general description of them, but its alot easier to picture in the mind if you talk about special facial features and whatnot. Also the fighting scenes ended way too quickly, you hyped it up with the talking, but when it came to fighting it was just like "I hit you you're dead now", there's not much fighting back going on.

All and all, this is really enjoyable to read but before you add the next series I suggest that you just change the descriptions, and fighting scenes.

I didn't mean to come off as a "mean person", but with the potential of this fan-fic it would make it even better then it already is, if you changed it a little.

Lily
January 20th, 2005, 06:40 PM
Originality is excellent here! I can see how you create such good RPG plots as well. Your characters are shown nicely, especially Askan and Taki, and although the whole demon and the underworld part were a tad rushed, I still credit originality. So nice job on that!

Like LiquidThunder mentioned, you describe the characters too bluntly. Its great youre using descriptions, but try implicit ones. Like, you dont need to describe their clothes or looks at the very beginningA bit clich if you ask me. The beginning paragraph was informative, but did you intend it to be a prologue? If not, starting out the story like that.eh. Lets just say if this was the novel, that whole paragraph would be well suited for the summary at the back of the book.

Also, a minor typing mistake?..

So, whats a girl like you doing in a place like this? Askan asked Mari as he walked along beside her, keeping a steady pace.

Askan asked Mari? I thought her name was Taki^^;

I like how the chronological events are set out, but don't rush things with the action scenes.

Only main problem I found was too much details. Now, it feels weird saying that, but it's true. Cut down on them and try introducing the information at a different approach. It creates a less tedious job of reading them. This includes the description of the character, and the information about your unique ideas. Try not to rush things, or take them through stifling process, and you should be fine if you improve later on.

Good job! Your idea was captivating and original - what caught my attention - and you can certainly succeed with this if you carry it on a bit further. ^o^ Good luck with the next part.

parallelzero
January 20th, 2005, 07:17 PM
Originality is excellent here! I can see how you create such good RPG plots as well. Your characters are shown nicely, especially Askan and Taki, and although the whole demon and the underworld part were a tad rushed, I still credit originality. So nice job on that!

Like LiquidThunder mentioned, you describe the characters too bluntly. Its great youre using descriptions, but try implicit ones. Like, you dont need to describe their clothes or looks at the very beginningA bit clich if you ask me. The beginning paragraph was informative, but did you intend it to be a prologue? If not, starting out the story like that.eh. Lets just say if this was the novel, that whole paragraph would be well suited for the summary at the back of the book.

Also, a minor typing mistake?..



Askan asked Mari? I thought her name was Taki^^;

I like how the chronological events are set out, but don't rush things with the action scenes.

Only main problem I found was too much details. Now, it feels weird saying that, but it's true. Cut down on them and try introducing the information at a different approach. It creates a less tedious job of reading them. This includes the description of the character, and the information about your unique ideas. Try not to rush things, or take them through stifling process, and you should be fine if you improve later on.

Good job! Your idea was captivating and original - what caught my attention - and you can certainly succeed with this if you carry it on a bit further. ^o^ Good luck with the next part.
That's what I get for talking to mari and writing at the same time I suppose, XD

The fact that I write in the same style I RP is what screws around with my character descriptions, and the action scene was only rushed because I'm on a deadline.
I guess what they say is true. If you can RP, you can write, and vice versa. I will take your advice to heart, and use it on the next installment.

Kelsey
January 29th, 2005, 06:35 PM
OMGoodness, David, this is one fan fiction I truly adored reading. <3<3 I love the overall plot, and Askan is a wonderful character. I can actually see this as a furture anime series, believe it or not. ^o^

I love the image of a tall fourteen year old boy, with bright blue eyes and a messy head of orange hair. ^^ I think it's a neat twist on how he's the "master of illusions" too.

I do think that you could go a bit more in depth of the other characters in this fic. Such as Taki, you could perhaps pronounce her divine beauty a bit better, just give more added effects.

I think this fic, as Lily said, is very original. And creative as well, which is greatly appreciated here in OW. You've done a wonderful job so far David, I urge you to keep up the great work on your fics. ^_~

~Kelsey