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View Full Version : The Building Matador - Civil war fic based upon Prince Of Egypt (PG) - Sneak peek


Magikarp1973
January 30th, 2005, 05:42 AM
An Secret Of NIMH 2 / Capitol Critters / Rescue Rangers crossover

PG rated Not suitable for kids under the age of 8!

Atlanta - 1844

Rose, and her kids lived like slaves in Atlanta, and one day as the soldiers attacked the city, was Timmys mother taking her baby to the river, and she got smuggled her baby aboard a ferry, who sailed to New York City.

New York City 1844

The mouse Mrs. Brisby found the homeless baby aboard the ferry, and she showed it to her son Martin and said to him This is your little brother Timmy! and took the baby home, as Theresa Brisby followed them quietly.

New York City The Civil War 1864

Timothy and his brother raced through the crowded streets in both their horse carriages, it caused a lot of trouble, and as they came home to their house on Upper Park Avenue were their father, the building matador Mr. Ages angry at his two sons.

Mr. Ages said later on to his sons I am going to hold a party tonight here! and so later that night were the party held, and the two magicians Fat Cat, and the large rat Badrang made a mouse maid pop out of the blue.

Timmy and Martin felt in love with the mouse maid, but she was bound, and the audience laughed and shouted at her.

After the party was Timmy going up to his room, but somebody had been there, as the window stood open, and both his guards and his two dogs were bound.

Timmy saw somebody running down in the backyard, and Tim shouted to the intruder Hey, wait right there!

The mouse ran after the female intruder, but he was too slow, and the girl got quickly away from him in a horse carriage.

Timmy met Theresa and Johnatan Brisby, who had given water to the intruder, but Timmy could not recognize them anymore, and Theresa said to Timmy You are our brother!

Timmy shouted to Theresa Quiet slave! and Johnatan held Theresa and said to Timmy Please! I think she is tired after a hard days work!

But Timmy could not forgive them, and as Theresa sang Mrs. Brisbys lullaby, was Timmy running all he could back to his home.

Timmy ran to his fathers gallery, where he saw paintings of war scenes, where his fathers soldiers made invasions on the place where Timmy was born.

Soon was Timmy falling asleep, and he dreamt that all the paintings around him came alive, and he saw the invasion, and how his mother got him smuggled aboard the ferry to New York City.

The soldiers ran after Timmy, and he felt in an endless deep, as he awoke in the gallery with a shock, and found a painting of soldiers, who killed babies.

It made Timmy run to his fathers room, and he asked him why he did all these things, but Mr. Ages said to his son They were just slaves!

Kelsey
January 30th, 2005, 07:26 AM
An Secret Of NIMH 2 / Capitol Critters / Rescue Rangers crossover

PG rated Not suitable for kids under the age of 8!

Atlanta - 1844

Rose, and her kids lived like slaves in Atlanta, and one day as the soldiers attacked the city, was Timmys mother taking her baby to the river, and she got smuggled her baby aboard a ferry, who sailed to New York City.

New York City 1844

The mouse Mrs. Brisby found the homeless baby aboard the ferry, and she showed it to her son Martin and said to him This is your little brother Timmy! and took the baby home, as Theresa Brisby followed them quietly.

New York City The Civil War 1864

Timothy and his brother raced through the crowded streets in both their horse carriages, it caused a lot of trouble, and as they came home to their house on Upper Park Avenue were their father, the building matador Mr. Ages angry at his two sons.

Mr. Ages said later on to his sons I am going to hold a party tonight here! and so later that night were the party held, and the two magicians Fat Cat, and the large rat Badrang made a mouse maid pop out of the blue.

Timmy and Martin felt in love with the mouse maid, but she was bound, and the audience laughed and shouted at her.

After the party was Timmy going up to his room, but somebody had been there, as the window stood open, and both his guards and his two dogs were bound.

Timmy saw somebody running down in the backyard, and Tim shouted to the intruder Hey, wait right there!

The mouse ran after the female intruder, but he was too slow, and the girl got quickly away from him in a horse carriage.

Timmy met Theresa and Johnatan Brisby, who had given water to the intruder, but Timmy could not recognize them anymore, and Theresa said to Timmy You are our brother!

Timmy shouted to Theresa Quiet slave! and Johnatan held Theresa and said to Timmy Please! I think she is tired after a hard days work!

But Timmy could not forgive them, and as Theresa sang Mrs. Brisbys lullaby, was Timmy running all he could back to his home.

Timmy ran to his fathers gallery, where he saw paintings of war scenes, where his fathers soldiers made invasions on the place where Timmy was born.

Soon was Timmy falling asleep, and he dreamt that all the paintings around him came alive, and he saw the invasion, and how his mother got him smuggled aboard the ferry to New York City.

The soldiers ran after Timmy, and he felt in an endless deep, as he awoke in the gallery with a shock, and found a painting of soldiers, who killed babies.

It made Timmy run to his fathers room, and he asked him why he did all these things, but Mr. Ages said to his son They were just slaves!

This story is a lot like the movie "The Prince of Egypt" as you had stated, which makes it a lot more interesting IMO.

Anyways, I have a few problems with some parts of the story. First, this sentence doesn't make sense in one part:

"Rose, and her kids lived like slaves in Atlanta, and one day as the soldiers attacked the city, was Timmys mother taking her baby to the river, and she got smuggled her baby aboard a ferry, who sailed to New York City."

Well, as you can see, Rose cannot 'get smuggles her baby', so all you have to do to fix it is this: "...and she smuggled her baby aboard a ferry," so in other words, just take out the word "got". ^^

OK, I also think that you shouldn't have a space between every sentence, it just throws off the flow of the story. So, what you can do now is group the sentences according to related events. Such as the part with the mice, you have a few split-up sentences in there about these mice who found Timmy, so just group them together into one paragraph. ^^

Now, the plot moves quite quickly, which isn't a bad thing if you're going for a one-shot. But still, I'd recommend adding more detail, especially at the beginning with the timelines. That way we'd get a better background on your entire story.

Also, adding detail as to what the characters look like would truly help a lot. We don't really know the looks of Timothy or the mice who had raised him.

Well, aside from those I think this fic will turn out wonderful, you just have to try a bit harder is all. If you take my advice above, and add your own ideas and creativity, this fic will be wonderful. ^______^

~Kelsey

Kyosuke
January 31st, 2005, 11:33 AM
Its not bad overall, the only real problem is that the story dousn't really go anywhere plotwise. You have the timelines at the beginning, which are cool and adds to the story, but not much to make it signficant.

The volabulary is another factor. Not try to be rude, but most of it dousn't make much sence and makes it confusing of what is really going on during the Civil War. English might not be you're first language and thats fine, but if its not I would recommend using some sort of program that checks grammer and vocabulary (Microsoft Word).

But overall, great job ^^.