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Furaigon
February 3rd, 2005, 01:32 PM
Chapter One: The Start of a Journey

As thirteen year old Mikey Volution walked to Pallet Town to get his Pokedex from the world famous Professor Samuel Oak, he thought about why he was becoming an official Pokemon trainer. He didnt really care if he became a Pokemon master or not, but traveling around earning badges and battling in competitions while seeing the world seemed like a fun thing to do.

He then thought of his brothers and the advice they had given him before he had left home. Pyro had encouraged him to at least evolve one of the Pokemon he would catch. Rainer had said that he hoped he would catch a lot of water Pokemon. And Sparky explained that they all knew that he was going to be a great trainer because he had gotten a lot stronger since his first battle.

Eevee, vee Mikey looked down to see Eevee, his first, and so far only Pokemon, gazing at some buildings. Mikey was surprised; he had been so deep in thought that he hadnt realized he had already reached Pallet. He saw Professor Oaks lab so he headed towards it. When he got there he rang the doorbell.

Coming! suddenly the door was open by a guy with greenish black hair. You must be Mikey. Im Tracey Sketchit, Professor Oaks assistant. Come on in. They walked up into the building and up the stairs to see Professor Oak working on his computer. He turned around when he heard them come in.

Hello, Mikey. You have impeccable timing. I just put the final touches on you Pokedex. as he said this Professor Oak took the Pokedex out of the computer and gave it, as well as five Pokeballs, to Mikey. Well since you already have a Pokemon, I believe you are all set to start your journey. But if I may ask, why are you starting now instead of when you were ten?

As you may know, many people get their evolution stones from Stone Town. Mikey started explaining while remembering why he had decided to travel. While they are there they tell my brothers and me about their journeys. Those stories have always fascinated me and a few months ago I decided I wanted to travel around so I would have some stories of my own to tell.

Well, I think that is a wonderful reason to travel around! Most people who want to get badges and compete in the league competitions want to be Pokemon Masters. Its nice to hear a different reason for wanting to travel around earning badges. Professor Oak was happy to finally see a trainer without a big ego. Well, I hope you have fun on your journey. Good luck!
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I know it's a bit short and doesn't have much description but that improves in the second chapter. So what do you guys think?

Lily
February 3rd, 2005, 01:53 PM
Very good! If I hadn't mentioned before (like 3946239763056247 times already) I think it's one of the fic that actually use an Eevee with a REASON.

I like it, despite the length. Although details were stated a bit bluntly and monotonous, it was still enjoyable to read. You have dialogue mistakes in there, like when Eevee lets out the noise, I couldn't tell for sure whether or not if it was specified towards that. The best part had to be when you stated Professor Oak was glad he met a non egotistical starting trainer. =P I loved it.

I would mainly improvise on making the story a little more interesting then bland, but great job! ^^

emeraldslay
February 3rd, 2005, 02:04 PM
I agree with LilyPichu, it's a good start, although I had to read the stone town part again to understand it. I'd like to see where it goes.

Furaigon
March 13th, 2005, 11:43 AM
Thanks for the reviews. Next chapter's up.

Chapter Two: The Forest Samurai

Mikey had left Pallet a few days ago. He would have gone to Viridian City but was excited to get his first badge so planned to go to Pewter first. Most people didnt know that Viridian Forest went around Viridian City but Mikey had heard many stories from trainers about their journeys so he knew many shortcuts that could make his quest shorter. So Mikey was now traveling through the somewhat dense forest on his way to the city with the first gym. He had seen a few bug Pokemon but ignored them and continued walking. Next thing he knew a tip of a sword had been shoved in his face. Too surprised and scared to do anything, Mikey just stared at the sword.

You have just left from Pallet, am I correct? Mikey looked up as the person holding the sword spoke to him.

Y-yeah. Mikey answered, still a bit scared.

Ah, so youre a novice trainer. replied the owner of the sword.

Novice? Mikey asked questioningly, not sure of what the word meant.

It means someone that just started their journey, a newbie.

Then I guess I am a novice although I have been a trainer for about seven years now, just not officially.

That is not important. What is important is that you are a trainer and I haven't had any trainer battles in quite a while.

You want me to battle you? But I dont even know who you are! Mikey exclaimed still wondering who this person is.

I am Samurai, I live in this forest and battle the novice trainers that come from Pallet. Samurai explained as he returned his sword to its sheathe and took one of his Pokeballs from his belt. This will be a one on one battle. No time limit. As he said this, Samurai threw the Pokeball making his Pokemon, Pinsir, pop out.

Mikey somewhat recognized the Pokemon recalling that one of the trainers traveling through Stone Town had had one. He knew battling a Pinsir with an Eevee was probably going to be tough but he didnt think Samurai would give him a choice.

Ready? Mikey asked, looking down at Eevee. Eevee nodded and prepared to battle. Tackle attack!

Eevee ran forward and slammed into Pinsir. Unfortunately it didnt seem to faze Pinsir much.

Pinsir, Guillotine! Samurai commanded. Pinsir attempted to grab Eevee with his pincers but kept missing as Eevee dodged the attack with his speed. But it didnt work for long as Eevee was suddenly lifted into the air, trapped between the pincers on Pinsirs head.

Eevee struggled to get out of Pinsirs tight grasp but it didnt seem to be working well. Mikey watched worriedly, trying to think of a way to help Eevee. Eevee, try wiggling out of its grip! Eevee did as his trainer suggested and finally slipped out of Pinsirs grasp, landing on the ground out of breath from his struggles.

Samurai watched impressed as Eevee freed himself from one of the strongest attacks his Pinsir knew. He had defeated many novice trainers with his Pinsirs Guillotine attack but apparently this time it wouldnt be enough. Pinsir, Seismic Toss!

Pinsir grabbed the somewhat exhausted Eevee off the ground, lifted him high above his head, and slammed him back to the ground, hard. Mikey saw his Eevee lying on the ground obviously worn out. You win, Samurai. Eevees too pooped to battle anymore. Mikey said as he picked up his Pokemon.

For a novice trainer you battle quite well. Samurai told Mikey as he recalled his Pinsir. I think youll do good in your gym matches. Good luck.

Thanks, Samurai, hopefully I will. And speaking of gym battles, I need to get doing so I can get my first badge. Farewell! And with that Mikey continued through the forest, on his way to Pewter and his first gym.

Act
March 13th, 2005, 03:18 PM
Volution? That's pushing a last name, though it is a relief to see he has a normal first name.

His brothers names are Pyro, Spraky, and Rainer? Never mind that first comment o.o;;

Dialogue is written with punctuaion. As in: "XYC," said JKH. Please keep that in mind. If you correctly write dialogue, I'll be tempted to worship you.

Unfortunately, Mikey's 'explanation' doesn't give a reason for why he is starting late. People don't consdier how emotionally demeaning it is to lose to people several years younger than you. There also isn't yet an apparent reason for giving him an eevee.

--Mikey had left Pallet a few days ago. He would have gone to Viridian City but was excited to get his first badge so planned to go to Pewter first. --

Don't skip days and days like this. What people want to read about is the treacherous, annoying venture across uncleared land. When you cut out the hardship, not only do you cut out pages of a chapter, but you cut out interesting story.

Unfortunately, Viridian Forest *doesn't* go around Viridian. There is forest that encircles Viridian, but it's not Viridian Forest. Don't twist canon, that's a major peeve of mine.

He ignored the bug pokemon, naturally. Because we are all too good for caterpie. :(

Again, dialogue at the beginning of a sentence is ended in a comma, not a period. See previous comment.

--Mikey somewhat recognized the Pokemon recalling that one of ...--

There should be a comma between "pokemon" and recalling" for clarity's sake. Also, I must argue that pokemon shouldn't be capatalized. No one capatalizes animal.

Where is Stone Town? What significance does it have? Just because you know these things doesn't we do.

You cannot escape guillotine. It's a one hit KO attack. Again, don't bend canon.

Also, why would Samuri, with this amazingly strong pinsir, be hanging out on the outskirts of Viridian? It seems like it wouldn't be doing him much good.

So eevee loses but still inexplicably does well. This battle was random and didn't seem to have much of a point beside making your character look good.

This is a very okay fic. It's absolutely better than most fics, as you have the general rules of grammar down. Work on dialogue, I know it's a tad complicated to get down. You need much more descrirption and rationalization of what is going on. It all seems unconnected and pointless, and there is really no plot. You need to be careful to not skip over things and to stay true to canon.

If you'd like a beta, I'd really love to do it. I think you could be a good writer. I'll be keeping my eye on this, good luck.

Feel free to check out the fic my siggy links to as well :o ;)