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Yetsu
February 9th, 2005, 06:18 PM
Title: The Rose

Author: Chibi



He was in bloom the day we met
He was with me as our sun was set
Splendid and perfect, like a pearl
Or the sky of stars, forever sleeping
Desperately left for their weeping
Presents a cry from us all

And conversation was left to the wind
And the guilt for those who'd sinned
No merciful thoughts in our minds
We watched the world crumble, hand in hand
And we saw the seven-year rain fall like grains of sand
And pelt the people with their hailing tears

I watched him smile for years together
Until our games and sights were teathered
Never again did a grin cross his features
And there walks the man with a bible in his hand
As he ambles up to strangers, asking for a can
And a nickel or two for his stale slice of bread

So now we sit in our rocking chairs
Our lives shorter than our aging hairs
One hundred years we've known this event
Would present itself at the perfect time
Like a turning table upon which spins a single dime
It rules the Earth like a God

And here is Death with his judging hand
On our doorstep with his one demand
To take our heads first, to place them on his mantel
And next go the heads of the world, in defeat
So listen to my friend, the rose, as he meets
A maker of which only we two could have known

...

...

...

Anacortes
February 9th, 2005, 06:25 PM
So romantic! It kinda describes perfection, don't you think?

KLS
February 9th, 2005, 06:34 PM
awesome use of metaphors, and I see no flaws in this poem.

Yetsu
February 9th, 2005, 09:16 PM
Wow; thanks so much for your positive comments, Anacortes and KLS! Your approval means a lot to me, definitely. I haven't been able to write much of anything since I was forcibly driven out of my six-year-running depression... Still, I'm glad that this poem turned out so well when compared to your standards!

Dignity
February 10th, 2005, 10:51 AM
I see no spelling errors, yet I think the poem would be even better if there were puntuation involved. Besides that, good work! ^.~ ~origin

Demonic Angel
February 10th, 2005, 03:31 PM
I agree with Origin, but I really liked this poem.
It really seems to describe perfection - a perfect romance, maybe? Well done. ^^

Kelsey
February 10th, 2005, 04:30 PM
Title: The Rose

Author: Chibi



He was in bloom the day we met
He was with me as our sun was set
Splendid and perfect, like a pearl
Or the sky of stars, forever sleeping
Desperately left for their weeping
Presents a cry from us all

And conversation was left to the wind
And the guilt for those who'd sinned
No merciful thoughts in our minds
We watched the world crumble, hand in hand
And we saw the seven-year rain fall like grains of sand
And pelt the people with their hailing tears

I watched him smile for years together
Until our games and sights were teathered
Never again did a grin cross his features
And there walks the man with a bible in his hand
As he ambles up to strangers, asking for a can
And a nickel or two for his stale slice of bread

So now we sit in our rocking chairs
Our lives shorter than our aging hairs
One hundred years we've known this event
Would present itself at the perfect time
Like a turning table upon which spins a single dime
It rules the Earth like a God

And here is Death with his judging hand
On our doorstep with his one demand
To take our heads first, to place them on his mantel
And next go the heads of the world, in defeat
So listen to my friend, the rose, as he meets
A maker of which only we two could have known

...

...

...

There was, actually, only one spelling error. ^^ The word "teathered" is actually spelled "tethered", no "a" involved. XD

Also, punctuation would be nice. Either put periods or commas after each line ends, it helps to make the poem flow much better. ^^

Well, this poem certainly was very deep. The plot was very inquisitive and lengthy. Now, I percieved a lot of ideas from this poem. ^^ So, as a poetry reviwer, I shall tell you what I thought of your work. ^.~

"He was in bloom the day we met
He was with me as our sun was set"

This section of the poem is a good opening. It makes one think of a relationship just starting out. The first day those two people layed eyes on one another their fate was sealed. They were meant for each other. "He was with me as our sun was set" makes my discription of 'their fate was sealed' explain itself a bit more. For the part where it says "our sun was set" actually makes it seem as though these two were meant to be. ^^

"And here is Death with his judging hand
On our doorstep with his one demand"

This piece at the end of the poem, where the two lovers are nearing their life's end, is actually a tie that binds the whole poem together. For Death is coming and always coming for everyone. It tries to snare people early in life, be it when you trip and fall or get in a car accident, death is trying to ensnare you in his grasp.

These two lovers' love his withstood time as well as Death himself. Nearing one hundred years of age (as the poem presides one to think), their life has been stretched as far as it can go, so with a brittle hand Death takes the two of them, together of course.

This whole poem seems to decribe the whole life and perceptions of the love between these two. This poem is really deep, and a bit confusing, but who doesn't love a challenge? ^.~ Awsome job Chibi, I wuved it! <3

~Kelsey

Yetsu
February 14th, 2005, 09:19 PM
There was, actually, only one spelling error. ^^ The word "teathered" is actually spelled "tethered", no "a" involved. XD

Oops. My fault. Oh well... As long as you know what I said then I think we're okay!

Also, punctuation would be nice. Either put periods or commas after each line ends, it helps to make the poem flow much better. ^^

Not in my opinion. I've been writing poetry since I was eleven years old, and studying poetry, and I think that there are types that need a lot of punctuation and types that don't. I don't like to use punctuation in mine because I think that it tears apart pieces of the poem. If you know how to read poetry in a whole then you should know how to read this. It's basic literary skills.

Well, this poem certainly was very deep. The plot was very inquisitive and lengthy. Now, I percieved a lot of ideas from this poem. ^^ So, as a poetry reviwer, I shall tell you what I thought of your work. ^.~

"He was in bloom the day we met
He was with me as our sun was set"

This section of the poem is a good opening. It makes one think of a relationship just starting out. The first day those two people layed eyes on one another their fate was sealed. They were meant for each other. "He was with me as our sun was set" makes my discription of 'their fate was sealed' explain itself a bit more. For the part where it says "our sun was set" actually makes it seem as though these two were meant to be. ^^

Uh... Yea! We'll just go with that!

"And here is Death with his judging hand
On our doorstep with his one demand"

This piece at the end of the poem, where the two lovers are nearing their life's end, is actually a tie that binds the whole poem together. For Death is coming and always coming for everyone. It tries to snare people early in life, be it when you trip and fall or get in a car accident, death is trying to ensnare you in his grasp.

These two lovers' love his withstood time as well as Death himself. Nearing one hundred years of age (as the poem presides one to think), their life has been stretched as far as it can go, so with a brittle hand Death takes the two of them, together of course.

Again, your views even freak me out! But we'll just go with this understanding, seeing as how it's obviously a visible one.

This whole poem seems to decribe the whole life and perceptions of the love between these two. This poem is really deep, and a bit confusing, but who doesn't love a challenge? ^.~ Awsome job Chibi, I wuved it! <3

~Kelsey


Over all, your review-thingy was probably the most perceived and welcoming I've ever had. I've waited a long time to meet someone as analytical as you, rather than those others who say such things as "It's great! Write more!" I mean, I love comments in any shape or form, but sometimes we just need a little bit more, now don't we?