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angel
February 15th, 2005, 06:42 AM
It's not real long but it's still a poem.

Why is it that when you break up
It feels like that person riped a piece of your heart out?
ANd you dout
What you have done
You thought you were his sun
But you found out he really didn't care\You suggled him like he was your teddy bear
but your teddy bear staped you in the back
You felt like you couldn't live
but you found out that you could still live.

Anacortes
February 15th, 2005, 07:30 AM
Well you probably won't wnt to live anyways..
Yeah its short..but like I always say its meaningful, comes from the heart..
So you have any more?

~Dragonair~
February 15th, 2005, 08:55 AM
Nice poem. I'm not really good at making poems or coming up with the ideas.

Kyosuke
February 15th, 2005, 01:21 PM
That was not too bad at all ^^, the concept of you just writing what you feel is what really counts, but the poem itself could just use a bit of work when it comes to fixing little errors that throws off the whole flow of the poem.

Why is it that when you break up,
It feels like that person ripped a piece of your heart out?
And you don't know
What you have done,
You thought you were his sun
But you found out he really didn't care.

You snuggled him like he was your teddy bear
but your teddy bear stabbed you in the back,
You felt like you couldn't live,
but you found out that you could still live.

You still did a good job on the poem none the less, and its not what we think of it, its what you think ^^'.

angel
February 18th, 2005, 05:51 AM
Thanks. Yeah i'm making a writing a new one in my free time.I'll post it monday or tuesday.

Kelsey
February 18th, 2005, 02:54 PM
It's not real long but it's still a poem.

Why is it that when you break up
It feels like that person riped(ripped) a piece of your heart out?
ANd(And) you dout(don't know)
What you have done
You thought you were his sun
But you found out he really didn't care\(. or ,)You suggled him like he was your teddy bear
but your teddy bear staped(stabbed) you in the back
You felt like you couldn't live
but you found out that you could still live.

I found some spelling erros in this poem. They are highlighted in red in the quote above for you. ^^ Well, this poem is kinda choppy in some parts, so I kinda fixed the outline for you:

Why is it that when you break up,
It feels like that person ripped a piece of your heart out?
And you don't know what you have done,
For you thought you were his sun.
But you found out he really didn't care,
You suggled him like he was your teddy bear.
But your teddy bear stabbed you in the back,
You felt like you couldn't live.
But you found out that you could still live.

That format makes the poem a little bit easier to read. ^____^ I also have a problem with the last line: "But you found out that you could still live." This line doesn't quite flow with the rest of the poem, maybe try this instead: "Yet you found that there are things worth living for."

Well, aside from that, your poem is very meaningful. <3 I think you did a wonderful job, keep writing those poems angel! ^^

~Kelsey

angel
February 22nd, 2005, 06:41 AM
Thanks.
Heres one more that ijust finished:
Why are we here?
Why are we here to just walk the earth
People see us and don't see us
Someting can happen to us and a mom can give birth
Every person has a time to stay on the earth
Everybody name is in the book of life
The book knows when we were born, when were going to die and how were going to die.
Whats re puprose in live
What do we have to do
We say hi and goodbye to millions of people
We see millions of brown, blue, gray black hazel eyes every day
We know every face by heart
But do we really know who that person is