PDA

View Full Version : The Unabridged Jack and Jill


O
February 16th, 2005, 05:03 AM
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
When they got to the top of the hill,, they saw a pretty flower.
Jack picked it up and gave it to Jill.
Then they had a nice sit on the hill,
The sun was warm, filled with light,
Jack's going to propose his love, he just might!

They found the well and lowered their pail.
it floated in the water, like a ship without a sail.
Jack was happy, Jill was too.
They had fun, with the water they threw.
But Jack slipped, and hurt his head,
He rolled down the hill, Jill finding him nearly dead.

Not finished. A few more verses.

angel
February 18th, 2005, 05:57 AM
*Starts laughing*
Funny and romantic.Nice poem.

Kelsey
February 18th, 2005, 02:47 PM
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
When they got to the top of the hill,, they saw a pretty flower.
Jack picked it up and gave it to Jill.
Then they had a nice sit on the hill,
The sun was warm, filled with light,
Jack's going to propose his love, he just might!

They found the well and lowered their pail.
it floated in the water, like a ship without a sail.
Jack was happy, Jill was too.
They had fun, with the water they threw.
But Jack slipped, and hurt his head,
He rolled down the hill, Jill finding him nearly dead.

Not finished. A few more verses.

XD Cool! I loved Jack and Jill when I was little. <3 This poem had some good humor to it, a nice change from all the kinda depressing poems we've all been writing. XD

I spotted a few problems with this poem, however. In the second line of your poem, you typed two commas in a row. It's a very minor mistake, so I just striked it out for you. ^^

Also, this line doesn't appear to make much sense to me: "Jack's going to propose his love, he just might!" You see, how can it say that Jack is going to propose his love to Jill, but then it says he 'might' propose? It sounds hypocritical to me. XD

Well, here's a suggestion to fix that line: "Jack hopes to propose his love, and so he might." Yeah, it's bad. XD But try and switch words around and stuff to make the line make sense. ^____^

Awsome poem Omega! =D I hope to see more to this poem, or even other poems by you! ^^

~Kelsey