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Sawyer
February 20th, 2005, 04:15 PM
well, i made this a while ago, and i'm now posting it. i asked Kylie about it, and she liked it, so i hope you guys do too. ^^
±———±———±———±
Drill a hole,
deep in my soul
Watch me die,
as I start to cry

But you don't care,
you only stare
Then you walk away,
my heart in dismay

They said I wouldn't die,
but who's to say they didn't lie?
I know my heart will mend,
but my life will seriously bend

Nothing's the same,
and I'm to blame
You drilled a hole,
deep in my soul
±———±———±———±
so, watcha think? X3

Kyosuke
February 20th, 2005, 05:24 PM
You did a pretty good job on that one ^^, the point really comes off nicely when after a breakup, it seems that one person didn't really care while the other had so much of their pride and heart on the line that got destroyed in the end, and how some people may say "Just move on", sometimes its not really easy to do so just like that *snaps fingers* XD.

The only real thing is really the periods after each stanza, but other then that "its good to go" XD.

Sawyer
February 20th, 2005, 05:27 PM
thanks! ^^ i didn't think it was that good XD i actually tried to make the point have to do with a lot of things... i didn't have a breakup recently, it just popped into my head XD

Kelsey
February 20th, 2005, 06:45 PM
well, i made this a while ago, and i'm now posting it. i asked Kylie about it, and she liked it, so i hope you guys do too. ^^
±———±———±———±
Drill a hole,
deep in my soul
Watch me die,
as I start to cry

But you don't care,
you only stare
Then you walk away,
my heart in dismay

They said I wouldn't die,
but who's to say they didn't lie?
I know my heart will mend,
but my life will seriously bend

Nothing's the same,
and I'm to blame
You drilled a hole,
deep in my soul
±———±———±———±
so, watcha think? X3

I think it's wonderful. ^___^ It shows what happens to people when they fall in love. Heartbreak is a most dreadful thing that I'm sure everyone feels at one time or another. You feel, as your poem stated, that your heart had been drilled straight through to the other side. ;o;

The line "They said I wouldn't die" really stuck out for me. A lot of people try to comfort those who have been hurt by telling them it'll be all right. But really...how do you know? How can anyone know what's to come? And that you won't just perish from this pain that seems to never flee.

The only thing is your punctuation. You seem to have forgotten some commas or periods at the end of some of your lines. ^^;; Other than that, I think this poem is very good. ^__^ Nice work, ACManga! ^^

~Kelsey

Dark Light Angel
February 20th, 2005, 07:09 PM
Hey, Shane. That was actually a pretty nice poem. I kinda like it. I can't think of much to say like Thunder and Kelsey did, so sorry.

Psychotic_Demon
February 20th, 2005, 10:43 PM
Wow, that was pretty good. I saw no spelling mistakes, but there where a few places where you forgot punctuation, but other than that it was great! Awesome job, ACManga!! ^_~

~*~Saphira~*~

Sawyer
February 21st, 2005, 09:36 AM
thanks everyone who rated it for the constructive criticism. ^^ it's only the second poem i've posted at PC, but i think it might be my best yet. =3

Dignity
February 21st, 2005, 11:10 AM
*sigh* ;___; I have nothing to say anymore! Except, great job. ;-; So sad, too.. Must.. not... cry... xD;; ~origin