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View Full Version : The Acid Satan


Silver Pearl
February 23rd, 2005, 04:20 PM
One morning, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and went outside. I heard a slam. I couldnt open the door, I started knocking on the door. It opened. Someone grabbed me..by hand! It was dark. I couldn't see! When the person put me down, he slamed me! When I got up I saw the persons face. It was an Acid Satan! I read about it in the newspaper. That the Acid Satan was rumored to be in Hell's Gates. Red Van was there too. I didn't know who he was but he was there. I forgot I had my backpack with me. I had my portable radio (if there was such thing), I turned it on and put it to 93.3 which is my favorite station. It was playing nothing. The Acid Satan spat out acid to my radio. I wanted to touch the Acid Satan. But he kept on spitting acid on me, so I kicked him, he started melting. I was about to thank Red Van. But, it didn't make any sence at all, so I hugged him. He chuckled, then, exploded. I woke up in the kitchen. I shook my head. And went back to sleep.

Kyosuke
February 23rd, 2005, 04:42 PM
Its not bad, but could be so much better if added more to that, because to tell you the honest truth, its hard to make sence of what really went in this short fan-fic ^^.

For one, it was full of run on sentences, sentences that are really short and could have been avoided by just using commas.

Another thing is the storyline, not trying to sound harsh, but it didn't really tell much of why and what really happened involving "The Acid Satan" and why it just attacked all of a sudden for no apparent reason, and who is "Red Van"?

And having it in just one long paragraph makes it hard to focus on the story, and there is a chance it might just being ignored, breaking it up in short paragraphs helps a lot trust me XD.

Overall not too bad, but next time just try breaking it up in paragraphs, adding detail to the story, and fix the run on sentences.