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Justin Sunrider
March 1st, 2005, 11:46 PM
The Ultimate Hoenn Challenge
Prologue:

Um...Hi! this is my first story on the forums. So, here's the Prologue of The Ultimate Hoenn Challenge!

The Ultimate Hoenn Challenge

Prologue:

The sun rises in the east. Such sights make the heart of Rayquaza soften. But this may be the last year that he can see such a sight. But it cant be helped. Humans and there selfish desires have spelled out DEATH. No one can stop it now. If only he could have stopped this a year before, if only a kind hearted human could have stopped this, he would not have had to think about this.

But no, there are no kind hearted humans. Not any that would or could have stopped this. Now the world is doomed. He will live, but the world will become a huge world of war. It was never supposed to come. Never.

But it has. Lugia, Ho-oh, Mew, Mewtwo, they can never stop this. Not even with Rayquaza or added together. The gigantic Dragon flew at top speed.

Meanwhile

A ship sets sail for a new region. A boy with neck long hair with a blue strip in the front of both sides of his hair, an orange vest, a red long sleeve, blue jeans, black shoes and a yellow backpack with a Pokeball sign in the middle stands at the nose of the ship with his hair blowing in the wind. We are now leaving New Bark Town. We should arrive at Littleroot town about tomorrow. Please have a great stay and ask if you need anything from the Sailors or the Captain. A loud voice boomed.
Great! I cant wait! The boy thought.

Kyogre-chan
March 1st, 2005, 11:55 PM
That's pretty good! ^_^ I love creepy stories involving legendaries. XD Can't wait to see more of it. =D

Rebecca M. Renfield
March 2nd, 2005, 04:00 AM
This is a nice start, but a little short, regardless of whether it's a prologue. (Seriously, I don't understand why so many prologues people write are only three or four paragraphs, if that....)

It seems reminiscent of the Deoxys vs. Rayquaza movie. Perhaps it's a different perspective on the whole thing, focusing on Rayquaza's view of the situation?

Obsidian Blade
March 7th, 2005, 10:45 PM
This is a nice start, but a little short, regardless of whether it's a prologue. (Seriously, I don't understand why so many prologues people write are only three or four paragraphs, if that....)
Lots of prologues are kept short because they are the part that hooks any new readers in. As people are more likely to read a short fiction under the thought that it won't take too long to read, more people take a look and more people are hooked. So it does make sense. ^^

Anyway, about the fic...

It's quite good. The prologue gives enough information to grab a reader's attention without revealing so much that its just plain boring. There were grammatical errors ("Humans and there selfish desires" should be "Humans and their selfish desires") but not enough to make it particularly hard to read.

What you should watch is the way you're simply telling me about things. Don't say "The sun rises in the east", describe it and show it to me with a sentence more along the lines of "A rosy pink glow lights up the horizon in the east as the sun begins its ascent." Something like that, anyway.

Also be aware that speech requires spacing. The last paragraph would be better laid out like this:

A ship sets sail for a new region. A boy with neck long hair with a blue strip in the front of both sides of his hair, an orange vest, a red long sleeve, blue jeans, black shoes and a yellow backpack with a Pokeball sign in the middle stands at the nose of the ship with his hair blowing in the wind.

We are now leaving New Bark Town. We should arrive at Littleroot town about tomorrow. Please have a great stay and ask if you need anything from the Sailors or the Captain. A loud voice boomed.

Great! I cant wait! The boy thought.

Other than that, I'm intrigued. Good luck with further chapters. ^^

Justin Sunrider
March 8th, 2005, 10:53 PM
Wow! This a MUCH better response than I thought it would! I'll remember your advices! Well, than! Now that I've done that, here's the next chapter!

The Ultimate Hoenn Challenge


Chapter 1: The Trainer from Johto

The boy walked around the ship, thinking about what kind of Pokemon hed see in the Hoenn region. He saw a man in uniform. His shirt had white and blue stripes and his pants had blue and white stripes too. He wore the traditional sailor hat. He walked forward, hoping he was allowed to be in the area of the boat. He walked pass the man and was stopped. Hello. Do you happen to have any Pokemon? Im bored. Wanna battle? the sailor asked.

Um the boy stared.

Oh! How rude of me, my name is Kyle Katarn! Call me Kyle! the sailor said quickly as he put out his hand.

Okay.My name is Justin! the boy, Justin, said as he shook Kyles hand.

So, do you have any Pokemon? Kyle asked.

Well.Yes and No. Justin said, scratching his head.

Huh? What does that mean? Kyle asked.

Well, I have Pokemon but I left them to Prof. Elm for safe keeping AND because I wanted to start a new journey like when I first started out as a trainer back in Johto! Justin explained.

So this is your first trip to Hoenn? Kyle asked curiously.

Yeah! I guess this is your millionth trip to Hoenn, huh? Justin asked.

Well, maybe not my millionth time, but. Kyle said, then exclaimed, You entered the Silver Conference then?

Um..Yeah. I did. Why? Justin said as they went off to take a seat.

Cool! What place did you end up in? Kyle exclaimed, after finding two seats available.

I was in the Top 3! I lost in the last round to Jonathan FletcherNot one of my most memorable moments.. Justin said quietly as he took a seat.

Hey, look on the bright side! You actually made it to the last round! I entered the Silver Conference in my youth! Kyle said with a dreamy look on his face. It quickly turned into a frown.

What place did you end up in? Justin asked, pointing his finger at Kyle.

Well he said as he scratched his head, I lost I the first round.Heeheheheheheheh..My Machoke and I werent good enough to win.

Oh. Well, Pokemon did you have with you? Justin asked.

I had my Machoke and Wailmer. Kyle said.

Huh? Wailmer? Justin hinted a question.

Oh! Wailmer is a Pokemon from the Hoenn Region. I cant show you because its too heavy and I dont have it with me right now. Left it at Littleroot. Kyle said.

Aw. I really wanted to see what they looked like. If only I had the New Edition of the Pokdex! Then you wouldnt have to show me! Justin whined.

Oh. Just go to Professor Birch-Kyle began to say.

And hell give you one. Yeah, I know. Justin interrupted.

There was a moment of silence between the two. Finally, Kyle decided to break the silence with the reason they were at this point. (Though I bet you dont understand. If I explain, youll be even more confused so lets just leave it at that. Kay?)

So, what Pokemon did you train? Kyle asked.

Um, I started with a Cyndaquil. I raised it into a Quilava and then into a Typhlosion. I used it in most of the Gyms so it was pretty obvious it was gonna get so strong. I named it Spike. The second Pokemon I caught was a Weedle. I named that one Drill. It also evolved into its last form, the Beedrill. Then I caught a Sentret. Named it Zippy. It evolved too. Then, I caught a Pichu and Eevee. They evolved into there too. Pichu to Pikachu named TJ and Eevee to Espeon named Teal. Lastly, I caught a Swinub and named it Roethlisberger. It also evolved into a Piloswine. That was my party. Not too much of a great team, but they were my best friends. Some of em. So, Im sorry that I cant battle you. Maybe on my way back Ill battle you. Justin said before adding, Well, I better be going now. Its gonna be a loooong night.

Okay. Have a nice stay here, Kay? Kyle said as he stood up.

Thanks. I will. Thank you and the rest of the crew for making my trip as comfortable as you possibly could! Justin said as he walked away slowly.

Thanks! Later! Kyle waved as he went down to the deck.

Justin walked around where he went to the shop. He bought a few stuff, such as red-and-white balls, Pokeballs, some Potions, a few Antidotes, Paralyze Heals, Awakenings, all that other stuff that he needed and two Harbor Mail, to give to his starter and to send to his Mom. Im gonna need a new outfit if I wanna look good for the new Region. Might as well buy better clothes.

Later..

Well, thats all I need. Ill be retiring now. Justin said as he walked away from the servant that had helped him get ready for bed.

Okay, sir. Thank you for choosing-the lady said before Justin interrupted.

It was the only one going to Hoenn. I had to. And thank you for letting me sail with you. Justin said as he ran down the corridor to his room.

The next morning..

All passengers please exit the boat now. We are now going to return to Johto in One Hour. Please exit the ship. The loud voice of the captains voice boomed from the speaker phone.

Justin slowly walked down the ramp, carrying his belongings in his backpack. He was also wearing new clothes. He had on a Black beanie with a red line going all the way around the bottom, he had a white T-Shirt, a blue vest around him, a blue scarf, and Tan baggy jeans. His shoes were the same.

Attention all Littleroot citizens and visitors! a female voice boomed.

Great. Officer Jenny. Their daughters are always with her and they never really liked me. Plus the loud speaker phones. Justin complained to himself.

Citizens and Visitors! Watch out for a new force, Team Rocket Extreme! Watch out for them! If you see a person wearing a Red R in the middle of the shirt, please report them if theyre cruel to you! a sweet voice boomed.

Kate, Justin thought. Well, time to go to the Professors lab!

____________________________

DUM DUM DUH DUUUUUM!!!!!!!! Hehehehe......Not much of a mystery, but I just had to! 0h well.
To be continued

IceKing
March 9th, 2005, 06:57 PM
The first chapter made it seem pretty unoriginal, but the prologue proves its not going to be. The main components (length,descrpition,style,ect) are all around average. Work a bit harder and itll get good.

One thing that always confuses me is why people would leave their pokemon behind, wuldnt they have strong relationships with them?

Justin Sunrider
March 10th, 2005, 12:54 AM
Yeah, they would. But like Ash, Justin wanted to start a new challenge. Thanks for the semi-compliment-in-a-different-sort-of-way too. I'll try to make it better next time. 'Til then,

Justin Sunrider