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View Full Version : Ash as hero? or Brendan should lead the new series?


Asura Nirosuki
March 3rd, 2005, 01:17 AM
For years Ash has been our hero inside our favorite shows. So i have been thinking since May is on the show why not have a japaness show starring Brendan,May,Wally ect. Like in the"Raikou Rain Of Thunder" show starring Yoshi,Dani[america it is Kenta,Marina?]thing.... i.. do..n't know. :D

Asura Nirosuki
March 4th, 2005, 10:46 AM
So i will start my fanfiction story now! this is Brendan's part then it will be Ashes.



It was a beautiful day here on the hoeen city when the story starts with too trainers they are brendan Brich and May OAk.Brendan has always long too be a pokemon master.His rival is Wally Woods.And May wanted to be a contest master.Her rival is Drew[Shuu].Here is brendan now near the cost of the platerburg gym."Soon i will be a pokemon master! here at this gym with my pokemon team:



Poochyena,Seedot,Zigzagzoon and Treecko!."Uh, hey Treecko were are you were suspose to strike a pose with us when we cheered!".Brendan's Treecko just sat on a tree branch and snoozed."Oh man the time i hade you you were always so......you


Flashback: voice:help!help!help me!please Help.Little kid:"look that man he is in troubble! somebo-"."I will help him!".Brendan said jumping over the boy and ran were he saw this dad been chased by a Poochyena."SON release a pokemon IN MY BAG and Help me Please!".He said still circling around the mutt.


"OKay".Brendan shouted back.He dig threw his bag and saw three pokeballs inside."I'll just trust this one! he though to hisself."GO THIS ONE!".The pokeball flew in the middle of the pooyena and this dad.A green lizard poped out and streched"Treecko".


It look stright at Pooyena then Brendan with red eyes.Back with Brendan then the pokemon.Finally It took a mid air jump then kicked yelled"Treecko!".Hitting Brendan in his face!."Ahhhhhhhhhh".He yelled while he rolled on the ground beated up.


The pooyena charged at the Treecko while it wasn't looking and tackled it in the head
"narl".It yelled pushing the Treecko to the ground."Treecko!".Treecko yelled sruggling to get up."Treecko! are you oh right?".Brendan yelled running to it.It instantly got up.



"Treecko! it yelled and was in battle mode.The pooyena snarled and charged it him.
"Get ready treecko! use pound attack".Brendan yelled.When the pokemon was close enough Treecko did a powerful pound attack with its tail."Treecko!".It yelled and striked him."yowlaaaa".It said while admitted defeat."NOW HERE I GO!POKEBALL GO!".


Brendan yelled.The small ball took the defeated pooyena and shook and shook and shook untill the red light died out."YES WE DID IT TREECKO!".He said while stricking a pose.The pokemon shook it's head and naped."awwwwwwwwww".Brendan complained.

oni flygon
March 4th, 2005, 10:58 PM
*cough*

http://pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=29844

Breezy
March 4th, 2005, 11:31 PM
Whoa, what's going on?

That's one long title btw. :) But this is one long review too so meh. Bear with me.

Anyhoo, let's just start with the basics for now - grammar and plot. I know, we all love it but yeah, that's what you REALLY need to work on right now. Description as well.

The ever infamous game plot of the Ru/Sa plot that took over half the fics of ff.net for a long while (and I should know, I helped start it =P). I do hope that you do have a mainstream plot for this fic because if your relying on the Ru/Sa game to be your plot, not many people are going to like that. =/ It's fine to use the games as a background plot of course but not as the mainstream as well.

But let's start from the beginning no?
It was a beautiful day here on the hoeen city when the story starts with too trainers they are brendan Brich and May OAk.Brendan has always long too be a pokemon master.His rival is Wally Woods.And May wanted to be a contest master.Her rival is Drew[Shuu].Here is brendan now near the cost of the platerburg gym."Soon i will be a pokemon master!Which "hoeen" city do you speak of? There is no "hoeen" city to my knowledge. You've got to be more specific with us with background information. Never heard of "platerburg" gym either. And who's talking in this paragraph? For all we know, since your explaining the characters, a rock could be talking.

Proper nouns and beginning of sentences are always capitalized btw. Also, double space after periods. It helps readers actually *read* the fic instead of having it crowded and squished together.

I'm confused on how Brendan and May already have rivals if they just started their journey too. Also, how is May related to Oak? You can't just link canon characters to other canon characters despite the fact that this May isn't based off the anime one.
here at this gym with my pokemon team:

Poochyena,Seedot,Zigzagzoon and Treecko!."Uh, hey Treecko were are you were suspose to strike a pose with us when we cheered!".Brendan's Treecko just sat on a tree branch and snoozed."Oh man the time i hade you you were always so......you "Here at this gym with my pokemon team"? Yet again, this could be a tree or the narrator talking, not Brendan himself (who I assume is suppose to be talking). Never list things in fics; show, not tell after all.

No comments on the attempt on character development. It's rather laid back like Ash's IMO but we'll see later on.

The flashback seen, I have to admit, burned my eyes. x_X You random switch through script and story mode was odd not to mention the fact that your punctuation and capitalization were pretty terrble. o.0

Where did Brendan get this pokball anyways? Did he pull it out of his- you know where lol?

Let's not even tackle the subject of spelling right now. Spelling isn't that difficult usually; a simple spellchecker could of caught that typos.

When a character is talking, it's important to END it with another quotation mark otherwise reviewers might literally think that the character is stating the description (of what there way anyways).

While on description, describe the settings, the characters, the Pokmon, the battle, practically everything the eye can see. Or what you see in your head type out so we can see it too.

Be a dear and clickerz the link that Oni put on your thread ja?

LaTeR dAyZ!

Asura Nirosuki
March 5th, 2005, 07:21 PM
umm,right...This is my first thread and I did'nt want it in fanfiction! so im pretty confused myself about thread starting![pushes someone esle in line and hides in last row] no more for me.Sorry about this!

Breezy
March 5th, 2005, 08:01 PM
Huh? You just said in your second post that this was a fanfiction. I also don't know many people who writes threads that aren't fanfiction in a fanfiction-like style. ;)

Asura Nirosuki
March 10th, 2005, 01:21 AM
Ashes point of view.Hopfully this is better story more grammar ect.



Pikachu and I have amazingly beaten Woina's graceful and strong Altra In
Fortree City. Luckly i used my trust in my little buddy and when things
looked liked there were to be bad Pikachu always gets the job done.


When we both were walking and speaking about our victory and amireing
our badge I slamed my head to some sort a invisable looking mirror.



very small cuse i got to got to school still[bossy parents]. Tell me what you think about the little improvement alright?.

oni flygon
March 20th, 2005, 09:17 PM
Did you read what's in the link that I posted? >.>

Asura Nirosuki
March 20th, 2005, 09:51 PM
And if i didn't? :confused: ............please i told you that this is my very first fanfic.It is very different from yours but that the way the world cumbles. :\

DarkCharlie
March 21st, 2005, 10:37 AM
You could write a fanfic with Brendan as the main character, but the TV series? Nah! Ash is the classic. And anyway, wouldn't it be really akward to change main characters? It'd be confusing, too.

Asura Nirosuki
March 21st, 2005, 10:59 AM
I think i would be cool for hoen series! thanks for answering^^.

DarkCharlie
March 21st, 2005, 11:49 AM
A fanfic set in Hoenn, yeah. Not on TV, it'd be dead hard to change the main character.

IceKing
March 21st, 2005, 11:57 AM
Even if it is your first fic, that doesnt give you the right to let it be crappy. Read that thread, it will give you advice on how to make yoru fic better so people would want to read it

Asura Nirosuki
March 21st, 2005, 12:27 PM
Ouchie that hurts.I don't think i want to be like you guys so if you hate it that's your thing. :'(