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Zero Shiberu
March 4th, 2005, 02:48 PM
Zero clambered from the top of the forest chasing his friend into her house. Panting, he managed to say "Tag, you're it..." and he fell to the floor. Mazue giggled, she helped him get back up and pushed him gently into the sofa so he wouldn't fall out of the chair.
"Thanks Mazue, I couldn't help but to fall down. You run fast. Oh, by the way did you hear about your brother starting a Pokemon Master journey. He told me so. I am following in his footsteps until I meet him then, we will see who's pokemon is stronger."
"Awesome I can't wait!"
"Can't wait for what?"
"Well I was going to do the same thing silly. We'll journey together. Professor is your dad anyhow."
"Thats true...but Mazue being a Pokemon Trainer or Master is dangerous."
"So what, I am always there for you so I shall always stay."
Zero shook his head and smirked in agreement. Mazue put an innocent face on and that proved that they should start now. The two of them exit the house, with the sun showing the red streaks in Zero's black hair and the blue in Mazue's black hair. They walked into the lab which was only forty feet away. Professor Shiberu appeared behind the sliding glass door and he asked what they were up to.
"Dad, Mazue and I want a pokemon...I think we are going to go for the ultimate goal many talks about. Becoming a Pokemon Master..."
"Sure! Uh..which one?"
"Halea."
"You, Mazue?"
"Toperu please."
"Okay, Zero be careful. Mazue look after my son for me."
"Hehehe ok professor."
------------------3~4~05------------------

Breezy
March 5th, 2005, 12:00 AM
Zero clambered from the top of the forest chasing his friend into her house. Misplaced modifier! =O I hate these too; I have oodles of them. -_-; Anyways, you're saying that the forest is chasing his friend into the house.

A few other mistakes in grammar but nothing too big for me to point out (plus I'm lazy heh).

Obviously, your fic was made-up of dialouge. Not always a good thing. Description is key to a story otherwise, all hell will break loose. Nah, its just harder for us readers to picture it in our heads. What you have for description is alright (rather choppy though I might add) though we do need more then just character description. For example, what does Halea look like? What is the setting around it?

Least we know they're not rocks anyways.

Where exactly are we anyways? All I know is that we're in a forest that's chasing someone inside a house.

Plotwise . . . well . . . uh . . . A trainer fic? Come now, we all have at least an ounce of creativity to start a fic with the boring get-pokmon-from-a-random-professor beginning.

By the way, would someone just give a Pokmon without regrets? Even if it is Zero's dad, his dad wouldn't know how he is with Pokmon would he? You would think a Professor would be a lot harsher on his son when giving him a Pokmon unlike a stranger.

What's the random spur of becoming a Pokmon master anyways? How do you go from running to "Let's become trainers Mazue!" that quickly? I know that his brother is starting a journey and-

Hold up. If Zero's bro is staring a journey, why isn't Zero in the first place? Why wasn't he with his brother getting his Pokmon if he wanted to be a trainer too?

Actually, depends on the ages of both Zero and his brother along with the age of when you can get a Pokmon.

Background info ja? ^^

Well, it's not bad but it's not too good either. Description is your weak area IMO and maybe plot for right now. Develop the character too ja so the story won't be bland.

You do have pretty good grammar/spelling though. Yay.

LaTeR dAyZ!