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RisenWolf
March 5th, 2005, 11:46 AM
Well i was writing this and my dad and mum told me that they thought it was good. But that is what parents are supposed to tell you, right? I want people sorta my age to tell me what they think. You may critasize [spelled wrong, i know] me, but tell me what you dont like about it. So i can work on it. Im not good at spelling and puntation {see probably spelled that wrong}. Sorry I dont have a prolodge {gah cant spell} but oh well.

Things To Work on
Spelling
Puntuation
Prologe
Titles


Chapter One
The Horror

I live in a world of horror, death, and tradgety. A world of pain and misery.
The reason I am telling you this is because I might not make it out of this city. Maybe I might, but not alive.
You see, it was two days ago when this all happened. It was two days ago that they appeared here. You ask what? Some people call them the dead. Some call them a monster. There like the dead they look like them, but act so much like the living. To tell you the truth they are the results to a messed up experiment.
It was the future wish of everyone. To be beautiful forever, to never see a zit, a pimple, or a wrinkle. Can you image being 60 and looking like a young model?
I was part of this organization, The Reining Organization, a organization, split into 2 fields. One was the regenteration facility the other the Biotect facility.
Biotect was made to make human weapons, and machines. The regenteration facility was made to make things to complete your looks. I was part of both. A tester for Biotect, and the co-manager for regenteration. This was all located in The BioWave a underground corpration.
The members of the C.A.S.A { chemical and scientific association} were against us they did not think that we could suceed and that is when it all started to happen.
They told us to stop, they told us that we could make something very dangorous. They told us that science was the only way to go. We should of listened.
You see, after they told us that we could not do it, we struggled harder. We rushed to make something to empress the C.A.S.A. We took 1 year to make Code X. We took so long on our product that we needed to try it on someone, something quick.
We called out to everyone, there was 5,000 involved you drank it we gave you the money. Six days went by and no one came, so we decided to try it on one of our fellow workers.
He refused to drink it, so we forced it down his throat.
That was the day, Reining made a huge mistake.
Right as the guy swallowed one gulp, he dropped the flask, and fell to the ground unconsious. The ventallation was on that day, and more then 3/4's of Code X hit the ground. As the fumes of Code X, hit our noses, we relized we had made a enourmous mistake.
Our siren that detects poisonous gases went off, and i shouted for everyone to evacuate.
As we were running to the exit i remember that the guy had been knocked unconsious, and if we left him he'd surely die. I ran back to the testing room, to find that he had vanished. I decided that he had left so i returned to were all the people where to find them...
"Dead," I gasped. " But How."



So what do you think..Dont worry thats just the first chapter, remember tell me what i need to work on..See ya

Kelsey
March 5th, 2005, 02:24 PM
Well, this fan fic could use a lot of work. I saw quite a few of the same spelling errors as well as punctuation errors too.

Your chapter is much too short, it appears to be only one paragraph long. Now, there's really no minumum length set for fan fics, but to make an adiquate fic, you should have the chapters be about seven paragraphs long or so.

I would also recommend creating a prologue, which will give us an idea of what the story will be about. If you check out my fic, Kalaigrah's Curse, you'll see that I have a prologue which kinda helps to get the mood of the fic set.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you for now, but I would stringly recommend that once you fix up your chapter, then PM it to me so I can have a look at it before you post it. ^___^

Well, I wish you luck RW, don't get discouraged, I know your fic will turn out great. All you need is a little advice and a nudge out the door, and this fic will turn out to be wonderful, I'm sure of it. ;D

~Kelsey

Lion Heart
March 6th, 2005, 01:20 AM
The start sounds alright, except I'm thinking that maybe it will be a long time before it gets to a more actionic bit.

It IS the first Chapter though.

RisenWolf
March 7th, 2005, 11:06 AM
duh kelsey i didnt have my book im going to rewrite it so read that one and tell me what you think _K_ :-)
Thanx Lion

RisenWolf
March 17th, 2005, 04:00 PM
no one? {tis very sad indeed}

Miyu-chan
March 18th, 2005, 11:32 PM
Very nice attention getter, I really like the idea you're getting here. =3

But... alot of spelling and grammar errors, use spell check or grammar check, and also... add more description to your fic. It really helps add to the flesh of a story, so to speak.

But I really like the idea you're getting, and also you should do what Kelsey suggested. =3