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mew_master
March 5th, 2005, 07:04 PM
this is my first pokemon story, written when i was about eight years old. read, comment, and enjoy!




















THE RISING BADGE
Once Trainers raised their Pokemon enough, then they would take the Pokemon League Challenge. To accomplish this, they would have to take on eight Gym Leaders, or advanced Trainers that specialized in only one type. When you beat one of these, you earn a badge. And if you can show eight Gym Badges, then you are allowed to enter Victory Road. Victory Road is a tunnel to the Elite Four. The Cave contains very powerful Pokemon, and it is difficult to find your own way out. But if you do, then you may challenge the Elite Four. The Elite Four are like Gym Leaders, because they specialize in one type. But they are much stronger. Their Pokemon are extremely strong, with a strong set of moves at their disposal. If you ever beat the Elite Four, then you may challenge the champion, the person who has already conquered the Pokemon League Challenge. Then they will be claimed World Champion, the greatest trainer in the world. This was Taylors dream. He had already collected seven of the eight badges, and at this moment, he was standing at the threshold of the Gym in Blackthorn City, the final Gym. Blackthorn Citys Gym held the final badge, the Rising Badge. Clair, the Gym Leader, used Dragon-type Pokemon. Dragon-types were considered the best type widely. But Taylor was sure his team would prevail for him. In his party he had Typhlosion, Lapras, Electabuzz, Kadabra, Skarmory, and Haunter. Taylor took a deep breath, and then entered the Gym. He immediately started to sweat due to nervousness and the large pools of lava in the Gym. On the end of the one small strip of land sat Clair. She sat on a high chair with the head of a legendary dragon Taylor would soon see in carved in the top. In a confident voice, Taylor said, Clair, my name is Taylor Anderson from New Bark Town, and I challenge you to a Gym Battle for the eighth Johto Gym Badge. Do you accept my challenge?
Clair gracefully leaped off of her throne and landed on the thin strip of land safely. Taylor, I accept your challenge. This will be a two-on-two match. Between rounds there will be a field change. Let us begin! My first Pokemon will be Dragonair! She tossed a Pokeball into the air. When the capsule made contact with the ground, a blue, majestic snake-like Pokemon appeared. It had a white horn, small but beautiful wings on either side of its head, and three blue, spherical objects decorated its long, thin body. Taylor took out his Pokedex, a device that stored data on Pokemon. The device said in its mechanical voice, Dragonair, the evolved form of Dratini. A Dragon-type Pokemon. Dragonair has the ability to change the weather at will. Dragonair is very powerful. Taylor pocketed the Pokedex, and then chose his Pokeball. Go, Typhlosion! he shouted; instantly, a tall Pokemon that was green on top, white on the bottom, and had a crown of fire on its neck appeared. Taylor chose it because the lava-field would boost its attacks. Typhlosion, Taylor cried, use willowisp! This move would have automatically burned the opponent, but, Dragonair, use Safeguard! Clair cried at the last second. A blue, transparent veil rose up and protected Dragonair; the small flame that Typhlosion had emitted touched the shield and vanished. Taylor, it will take more than that to defeat me! Now, Dragonair, use a Surf Attack! Dragonairs horn started to glow with a white light; in a second it changed to blue light; then a gigantic wave of water came out of nowhere. The awesome attack hit Typhlosion, and it was easily thrown backwards ten feet. This is bad, Taylor thought. Surf was not only a powerful move, but it also did extra damage because Typhlosion was a Fire-type. Shakily and slowly Typhlosion recovered. Typhlosion, we can still win! Use Overheat! Typhlosion let out a mighty roar; the lava pool rose up and crashed down on Dragonair, and it was thrown back as well. Just as shakily as Typhlosion, Dragonair stood up again, just barely conscious. Typhlosion, lets finish this offuse fire blast now! At this, a gigantic jet of fire shot at Dragonair, like an extremely powerful gust of flames. Taylor heard one last cry from the Dragon, then it fainted. Dragonair, return! Clair held out her Pokeball, and in a flash of red light, Dragonair disappeared. Dragonair, you fought well. You deserve a good rest. Now looking up at Taylor, she yelled, Taylor, good job. But that was just the first round. Now for the field change! Clair snapped her fingers, and the pool of lava disappeared; in its place was a fresh pool of water. Clair tossed a Pokeball into the air, and a Pokemon that looked rather like a sea horse landed in the pool. Taylor checked his Pokedex again: Kingdra, it said, the sea dragon Pokemon. The evolved form of Seadra. Kingdras mix of Water- and Dragon-types makes it immune to most attacks. Kingdra is able to control water at will, making it a formidable sea opponent. Taylor thought carefully. Kingdra was at a disadvantage only to Dragon-attacks, and Taylor had none at his disposal. So since the field was water now, Taylors choice was Lapras, I choose you! A large, blue Pokemon appeared in the water. It had dark blue spots on it and on its back was a hard shell. It had two pairs of fins. Taylor moved first. Lapras, start off with a Rain Dance! Lapras cried loudly, and instantly rain started to pour down out of nowhere. This move would boost all Water attacks, halve the amount of Fire attacks, and reduce the effect of any Grass recovery move. Okay, then, said Clair, Kingdra, use your Hydro Pump! Kingdra opened its mouth wide, and then issued a strong blast of water. Hydro Pump was one of the strongest Water moves in the game, and since it was strengthened by Rain Dance, Lapras would have to avoid it. Lapras, use Dive Attack! Lapras dove underwater in the nick of time. The Hydro Pump dissipated. Now, Lapras, submerge! Lapras surfaced right under Kingdra, causing it a bit of damage. Kingdra landed with a big splash, but it recovered easily enough. Kingdra, use Hyper Beam! Kingdra opened its mouth wide again, but this time a blindingly powerful beam of energy shot out; Taylor looked the opposite direction until the strong attack had finished. When he did look, he saw Lapras in the worst condition he had ever seen a Pokemon. Its long neck was lying in the water, its eyes closed, and it had scuff marks all over its body. Shakily it stood up. Lapras, Taylor called, please just bare two more moves. Thats all we need to win! Lapras opened its eyes and looked at Taylor, ready for instruction. Lapras, Hyper Beam is so powerful, the Pokemon using it has to recover for a turn, meaning we can strike twice in a row! So, first off, use Perish Song! This move would cause all Pokemon to faint in three turns. Lapras started to sing. Its song started off happy and uplifting; even the exhausted Kingdra looked up. But then it shifted into a minor key, and sounded quite unpleasant. All Pokemon to hear the song would become unconscious in just three turns. Lapras, just one more move! UseSing! Lapras sang again, this time a lullaby. Kingdra dozed off in a few seconds. Thanks, Lapras, now return! And then Ill send out my Typhlosion! The Fire Pokemon reappeared as the Water-type disappeared. Because Typhlosion had not heard the song, it would not faint, and because Kingdra was asleep, it could not make a move. Dragonair had fainted, so it could not reenter battle. The stage was setin only one move Taylor would win. Luckily, the Rain Dance had subsided, because Typhlosion could have been hurt by the water. I skip my move, Clair! Your turn! Clair looked horrified, realization across her face. Um, Kingdra, wake up? But it was no good. The turn count shifted to Taylorand the horrible Perish Song filled the air. Automatically Kingdra awoke, and let out a pained cry before it fainted. Taylor returned Typhlosion. Clair, I have defeated you in an official battle! I now claim the Rising BadNo! I refuse to accept that I have lost! No, you are not ready for the Elite Four yet. Taylor, the only way to win the Rising Badge is to go to the Dragons Den and find the Dragon Fang. Bring that item to me and I will grant the Badge to you. Before Taylor could complain, she snapped her fingers and disappeared, leaving Taylor alone in the Gym. Taylor sighedbut he supposed that if he wanted the Rising Badge, he would have to first collect the Dragon Fang for Clair.

Taylor was now at the local Pokemon Center. There was always a Nurse Joy there. In fact, the Joys were basically an endless family, of which all the daughters looked exactly the sameredheads, with two large loops in the hair. The Nurses would heal your Pokemon, free of charge. Taylor was sitting in the waiting room, examining his map, when Nurse Joy walked out of the Emergency Room. Lapras is going to be just fine, Taylor. I suggest you leave it here for a couple of hours to let it rest up. Thanks, Nurse Joy, Ill do that. I just need to run an errand. Do you by any chance know where the Dragons Den is? At these words, Joys smile subsided, and she said, You just beat Clair, huh? She always makes the Trainers who beat her go to the Dragons Den. Its behind the Gym, just use Surf for a few minutes and you should see it. Thanks, Nurse Joy, Ill be back, said Taylor, and he walked out of the Center. Nurse Joy had said something about Surfing, and since Lapras had been the only one in his party who had known Surf, he would have to get there in an alternate method. Skarmory, I choose you! A large bird Pokemon appeared, except its wings and most of its body was made of steel, making it all gray besides two shots of red on its wings. It had a very sharp beak. Skarmory, I need you to Fly me to the Dragons Den. Skarmory assented, and lowered its back so Taylor could hop on. Once he was comfortably seated on the steel back as much as he could, Skarmory took off, but Taylor immediately noticed how the Pokemon was struggling to keep up, how its wings were flapping way too frequently. Then it actually started to fall, Taylor hanging on for dear life. SKARMORY! Taylor cried. Skarmory seemed to wake up! Skarmory started flying again, and in a few seconds they were over water. If they were to fall now, Taylor would be all right, but Skarmory, being a Steel-and-Flying-type, would not like the water. But luckily Skarmory did not fall, although Taylor could feel them steadily declining in height. Finally, they landed on the land before the entrance to the Dragons Den. Taylor returned Skarmory, worrying about it, but his worries subsided as he walked into the dungeon, because it was huge! There was a lake of water; a large piece of land bordering the entire Den; a whirlpool, and he even spotted a short but big house at the opposite side. When he heard a voice coming from the house, he decided to go there first. He walked on the land for about five minutes and reached his destination. Breathing heavily for some reason, he entered. When he walked in, he saw three elderly men. Finding himself entranced, he walked to the opposite side of the room, where the third and oldest man was. HaveyoucometotaketheTestofTruth? he asked slowly. Taylor hadnt come here for that, but he still nodded, interested in what the test would be like. Your first questionWhat do you call your Pokemon? Friends? Pals? Servants? Underlings? Taylor replied, Friends. Very good. Your second questionWhat kind of Pokemon do you use? Only one? Only one type? All? Most? All. Very Good. Your final questionSuppose that a Pokemon you were training fainted in a battle. What would you consider it? Weak? Untrained? Trying? Worthless? Trying, said Taylor. Very Good. Dear boy, you have just won the prize that Master Clair has not even won. Youre first Dragon-Pokemon, I believe. Its a Dratini! The man held out a Pokeball that had a lightning bolt on it. Taylor took it, amazed. He now had an actual Dragon Pokemon! He added the Ball to his special belt, and walked out the hut. He instantly felt unentranced again. Taylor looked around, and in the very back of the cave he saw a small rectangular box on a raised platform. He thought that this was where the Dragon Fang was. He started running toward the box and he quickly reached it. Up close, he saw a picture of three Dragons, one of them was a statue on top of Clairs throne. Taylor pulled out his Pokedex and checked it to see if they were actually Pokemon: Pokemon unknown. Three legendary dragons of great power. It shut off. Shaken, Taylor opened the box, and the Pokedex started talking again: Unknown Pokemon. Two were heads of ancient climactic catastrophic battle, one land and one water. One creator of Pokemon. One said to have come to Earth by a meteor. It cut off. Taylor, very spooked, looked into the box and saw pictures of four Pokemonthe ones the Pokedex had just described. But at the bottom of the box was a long fangthe Dragon Fang! Taylor picked it up, and the Pokedex once again activated, although this time it was thankfully not talking about mysterious legends, but the Fang itself: Dragon Fang: Fang of an ancient Dragon-type which when equipped to a Dragon-type Pokemon will boost its attack power. The Dragon Fang fits into the mouth of any Pokemon comfortably.
Taylor pocketed the Pokedex, and then gently lifted the Dragon Fang. Taylor, I have to admit youve done a good job. I am now forced to give you the Rising Badge. Taylor hurriedly spun around to see Clair walking towards him, her hand outstretched with a glinting badge in it. Taylor gratefully took the badge from her. He finally had achieved all Johto Gym Badges! Taylor, the road to the Elite Four is a hard one. Do you know how to get there? Taylor shook his head no. First go to New Bark Town. Then Surf east until you get to Victory Road. Pass through Victory Road and youll be there. She and Taylor shook hands, and she said, Go ahead and keep the Dragon Fang, your new Dratini can use it. She walked away, almost solemnly. Taylor reached into his backpack and obtained an Escape Rope, and he used it. He was automatically teleported to the entrance of the Dragons Den. Then he summoned his Kadabra from its Pokeball. Kadabra, use your Teleport Attack! In a flash Taylor found himself in front of the Blackthorn City Pokemon Center. The magic of Kadabra. Just then, his Pokegear started to ring, alerting a call. A Pokegear was worn around the wrist and told the time, date, had a map of Johto, and had a built-in radio. Taylor pressed a button to answer the call. It was Professor Elm, the person who had given Taylor his first Pokemon. Hello, Taylor, he said, I have just received my parcel and I realized that you could use it more than I could. Could you get down to New Bark Town as soon as possible? Sure thing, Professor Elm, said Taylor. The Professor hung up. Taylor turned to his Kadabra, and asked, Kadabra, could you teleport us to New Bark Town? Kadabra nodded and held out the spoon it always held. In a flash of vivid color Taylor was transported to New Bark Town, home of the future champion.

that was chapter one of a twenty-nine chapter story. please comment so i can fix it.

Breezy
March 5th, 2005, 08:36 PM
OMG, a fic to review! ^_^

Sorry, lack of reviews make Breezy go *eye twitch* and talk about flying monkeys. Oh, there goes another monkey. He says hello! o.0 But yes, moving on . . .

Title isn't too good. People are going to find out that your a new author on the block and that's not neccessarily a good thing. It's also highly unoriginal to call your fic "my first fic" and already gives readers a bad impression on your skills as a writer.

Before I even TRY to read this fic, let's talk about our little friend called spacing. Spacing is one of your important friends here for it can determine whether a reader will read a fic, whether a reader will TRY to read a fic or whether a reader will leave, clutching his eyes, and asking for mercy.

In other words, press the enter/return button twice when:

A) The subject/topic in a paragraph changes

B) When a different character speaks

C) Others that hopefully other reviewers will add in since Breezy is being terribly lazy today. :P

See at the space between your author note and story? Take that and put it in your fic instead lol.

But yes, the story, right.

From what I've skimmed/managed to read, your fic is about an OT taking on the Elite 4. An interesting place to start; I'm glad that you didn't start out as Taylor being a new trainer. ;) Of course, some background information on Taylor should be provided if your starting this late in a story.

From what I also read, you like to tell people, and not show them instead. There's a difference between show and tell. One can make the reader feel like their an outsider actually watching the story take place in front of their eyes while the other is like reading an essay prompt and having been told what to do and what to see.

You always want to show, not tell. Don't tell us what Perish Song does, show us. Don't tell us what Taylor is doing, show us. Get it?

You did show on a few parts so don't believe that all you did was tell (btw, if anyone else would know what to call this, I would gladly appreciate it) but the majority was telling. Describe settings, characters, the whole enchilada.

Taylor is rather bland and boring admittedly. Give him some personality huh? If he's experience in battle, then he would of become confident (perhaps over confident) or perhaps he's determined. Maybe he's shy which explains why he is traveling alone. There are thousands of possiblities that can make your character interesting.

Don't follow the game too closely either; it's rather boring as well. ;) You can have your fic based off it but not have it as the actual plot. Add some originality into it.

Overall though, it's not bad. Your battle strategy within the fic was pretty good and you seem to have a good grasp on basic grammar. SPACE IT THOUGH! ^_^ Especially during dialogue. New line starts when a different character is speaking after all . . .

I really can't comment on certain things in the story since I could barely read it so you're going to have to wait on a detailed review heh.

LaTeR dAyZ!

mew_master
March 6th, 2005, 10:30 AM
OMG, a fic to review! ^_^

Sorry, lack of reviews make Breezy go *eye twitch* and talk about flying monkeys. Oh, there goes another monkey. He says hello! o.0 But yes, moving on . . .

Title isn't too good. People are going to find out that your a new author on the block and that's not neccessarily a good thing. It's also highly unoriginal to call your fic "my first fic" and already gives readers a bad impression on your skills as a writer

Before I even TRY to read this fic, let's talk about our little friend called spacing. Spacing is one of your important friends here for it can determine whether a reader will read a fic, whether a reader will TRY to read a fic or whether a reader will leave, clutching his eyes, and asking for mercy.



In other words, press the enter/return button twice when:

A) The subject/topic in a paragraph changes

B) When a different character speaks

C) Others that hopefully other reviewers will add in since Breezy is being terribly lazy today. :P

See at the space between your author note and story? Take that and put it in your fic instead lol.

But yes, the story, right.

From what I've skimmed/managed to read, your fic is about an OT taking on the Elite 4. An interesting place to start; I'm glad that you didn't start out as Taylor being a new trainer. ;) Of course, some background information on Taylor should be provided if your starting this late in a story.



From what I also read, you like to tell people, and not show them instead. There's a difference between show and tell. One can make the reader feel like their an outsider actually watching the story take place in front of their eyes while the other is like reading an essay prompt and having been told what to do and what to see.

You always want to show, not tell. Don't tell us what Perish Song does, show us. Don't tell us what Taylor is doing, show us. Get it?



You did show on a few parts so don't believe that all you did was tell (btw, if anyone else would know what to call this, I would gladly appreciate it) but the majority was telling. Describe settings, characters, the whole enchilada.

Taylor is rather bland and boring admittedly. Give him some personality huh? If he's experience in battle, then he would of become confident (perhaps over confident) or perhaps he's determined. Maybe he's shy which explains why he is traveling alone. There are thousands of possiblities that can make your character interesting.

Don't follow the game too closely either; it's rather boring as well. ;) You can have your fic based off it but not have it as the actual plot. Add some originality into it.



Overall though, it's not bad. Your battle strategy within the fic was pretty good and you seem to have a good grasp on basic grammar. SPACE IT THOUGH! ^_^ Especially during dialogue. New line starts when a different character is speaking after all . . .

I really can't comment on certain things in the story since I could barely read it so you're going to have to wait on a detailed review heh.

LaTeR dAyZ!

again, i wrote this when i was eight...i'm thirteen now. i'm not a new author; my writing skills have improved greatly since then. so don't judge my author technique by this. my title is not "my first fic." it's actually "heroes in the making" (i'll put that on[edits])

yeah...sorry about the paragraph thing.. i didn't actually type this i copied and pasted it straight from microsoft word. i'll punctuate the rest.

no...this isn't about him taking the elite four challenge. it's about a competition that takes place after he gets all eight badges and before he challenges the elite four. actually this is going to be a pretty deep story...

do i understand showing, not telling? not really...could you explain it to me again? o_O

like i said above, this is the only part which comes from the actual game. the rest is purely imagination.

Breezy
March 6th, 2005, 11:02 AM
again, i wrote this when i was eight...i'm thirteen now. i'm not a new author; my writing skills have improved greatly since then. so don't judge my author technique by this. my title is not "my first fic." it's actually "heroes in the making" (i'll put that on[edits])For an eight year old, it's not bad, but if you're thirteen, why not go over it and edited? o.0 Even if you're eight and write the greatest story in the world, I won't be impressed by your age but of the content of the story instead. I'm not judging your skills as an author or how you write mind you. That's all up to the author and that's one thing a reviewer can never change. Just commenting on what you can fix.

I don't think you can edit thread titles btw lol.

no...this isn't about him taking the elite four challenge. it's about a competition that takes place after he gets all eight badges and before he challenges the elite four. actually this is going to be a pretty deep story...Ah okay. :) The intro thing tricked me. XP I'm glad that's it's not going to be the average trainer fic.

do i understand showing, not telling? not really...could you explain it to me again? o_OLol, no problem. I had some trouble understanding it myself. You did show a lot actually now that I've read it over but you've still got a few sentences that are telling instead.

There is a list of words that can determine whether your showing or telling. Words such as: is, are, been, has, plus more (sorry, can't remember the others).

An example of showing (a crappy one I might add):
The northwestern winds brushed through the small town of Fortree, causing the leaves on the trees to rustle restlessly as they scratched the bark of the ancient oaks. Pine needles fluttered down from their branches on top of the pine trees as the grass gently tickled the legs of both boy trainers. The air was tense, thick enough to cut with a knife, alerting the folks of Fortree who noticed a battle being held near their gym.

Using the same paragraph, I'll example telling:
The northwestern winds were brushing through the small town of Fortree which made the leaves on the trees rustle restlessly when they scratch the bark of the ancient oaks. The pine needles begin to flutter down from their brances on top of the trees, the grass tickling the legs of the boys. The air felt tense, thick enough to cut with a knife as it alerted the folks of Fortree who were beginning to notice a battle being held near their gym.

Hard to explain. @_@ Feel free, anyone, to give a better example of show, not tell. Even then, I still think I "told" a bit in my show example lol.

Basically, you want your reader to feel that they are ACTUALLY in the fic like an outsider and not have them be told what they have to see.

Ask again if you're still confused lol.

LaTeR dAyZ!

mew_master
March 6th, 2005, 06:59 PM
okay now i get it. yeah when i was eight i only did the first chapter but the second chapter should be better...and more readable.