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View Full Version : Vengeful Minds (PG 13)


JimmyBoy
April 7th, 2005, 08:59 PM
This is my first ever fan fic, so any comments/criticism is appreciated! Thanks!
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Chapter One: A New Champion

The sun was rising over the city of Sharelle, a new day dawning. The suns rays flickered over the mountain tops to the east, and streamed across the many small brooks and rivers, through the forest and into the windows of all houses in and surrounding the city. It was the largest city in all of Alaire, otherwise known as the Land of the Gods.

Sharelle was home to many large sky scrapers, taller than any one had seen in the world. They seemed to reach to the sky, and many believed their height to be never ending. Sharelle City was regarded as the Crystalline City, due to the large amount of Crystal mined in the outer suburbs. There had been a great discovery many years ago, and crystal was its main export. The cry of Pidgey and Taillow erupted through the forest, like an echo, and flocks of bird Pokmon burst from the trees, in search of food.

The suns rays hit an average sized house, coloured a creamy yellow. It had been around for nearly ten years, first built when one of its inhabitants was very young. This person was a fourteen year old by the name of Jase Mackenzie.

Alright, Jase. Time to get up A voice called.

Jase stirred in his sleep, was something calling him to come towards it? He had to stay back.

Jase. Get up, now another shout.

Jase cringed. The voice was getting closer to him; he could feel it almost breathing on his neck.

Thats it! the voice shouted, and Jase suddenly woke.

His bed was drenched, he was drenched and so was his floor. He looked up, and saw an angry figure standing above him. It reminded him of his mother, her stance was exactly like hers when she was angry. But it couldnt be, he was dreaming still. Jase rubbed his eyes, and saw his mum standing above him, eyes red with anger.

Get up now, if you want to live through the morning she said.

Jase fell out of bed.

"Im up, alright he yawned, crawling up off the ground.

Dont you know what day it is? she said.

Not really. Im kind of half asleep Jase replied.

Well, if I remember correctly, somebody borrowed forty dollars from me last week, and in repayment today has to walk our Ninetales his mum said, oh yeah, that somebody happens to be you. She pushed Jase over just as he had stood up.

Alright, let me at least have a shower and some breakfast he grumbled, before going into the shower.
While in the shower, he began to think. Walking their pet Ninetales, Shari was a difficult task. She would always break away from her lead and run off. This was the bit that Jase hated. Shari was the most difficult pet Pokmon anyone could have.

Shari could only ever be found if you bribed her. She was very smart. Ninetales were always smart; they could even lay curses on people. Shari wasnt like other Ninetales though. She had been raised by people since she was a puppy.

Shari had been found by Jase and his father when she was only a few days old. It was raining and they were returning from a trip to the supermarket, which was at least a half hour drive from the city. As they were about to turn onto the main highway, Jase had seen a small glint coming from one of the bushes. After persuading his dad to pull over, he inspected the bush.

Inside it he found a small basket, with a tiny little dog in it. He remembered what his dad had said that night, son, youve found a Ninetales.

It was quite confusing, as Ninetales would usually evolve from Vulpix with the use of a fire stone, but after searching, he could find no stone.

Ill call you Shari he said to the Pokmon, who whimpered quietly.

Shari and Jase had grown up together, they had had many adventures together, but he was getting sick of the responsibilities now. If only she could look after herself. He allowed himself a smile, and shook his head. It seemed that he had fallen asleep in the shower.

Jase! there was a cry from the door, Jase! If you dont get out of there now, then Im coming in! his mum called.

Jase struggled to turn off the hot water tap, as he was still half asleep. He peered at the shower clock. The time was six thirty in the morning. He would normally sleep in until at least nine thirty on Saturday mornings, but he had to walk the dog. He crawled out of the shower, like a sloth, and wrapped his towel around him.

Thats it! Im coming in his mum yelled, and opened the door.

Jase cringed as he saw his mother standing in front of him.

Now, hurry up! she yelled, and slammed the door.

She was always like that, bossing Jase around. Nothing had been the same since his brother had left. Brad, who would be turning eighteen later in the year, left when he was fourteen with his pet Growlithe and went on a journey to the island of Orre. He hadnt written in months, and this hurt his mum.

Jase went back to his room, and quickly put some clothes on. He had smelled a nice aroma coming from the kitchen downstairs. His dad was in the kitchen again, making his favourite Strawberry Waffles, with ice-cream. They were always a good feed.

As Jase was walking down the stairs, he saw a large, cream coloured fox. It had eyes the colour of rubies, and nine long tails, each with a pale orange tip. This was Shari and she was sitting quietly in the corner, near the fireplace which was made of white marble. She was half asleep, waiting for the sound of her leash getting picked up.

Morning dad he said as he stepped down from the last stair.

His dad was sitting at the far end of a large, oak dining table. It had been stained with varnish and beeswax, and had been kept in the Mackenzie family for generations, getting passed down from Jases great, great grandfather to his great grandfather and so on. When he was old enough, he would get the table. If Brad had stayed around until he was twenty, he wouldve been given the table. Now he was in a distant city, traveling.

Morning Jase. Have a good sleep? his dad asked, his eyes fixated on the daily newspaper.

Yeah. It was pretty good, I had a funny dream though he replied, before taking a bite out of his freshly made waffle.

What did you dream about this time? his mum sighed from the other end of the table.

Nothing much. Just that after the festival I can leave, and go on a journey of my own. I cant wait.

Jase didnt know it, but his mum was thinking the exact same thing.

Well, the preparations are almost done for the festival; it will begin at exactly 8 oclock tonight. We cant be late; the new champion of the Alaire League will be visiting. We may get a glimpse of him his dad said, his eyes hadnt moved from the paper.

That's nice. I suppose we better see whats going on around the world his mum said, and she turned on the TV.

The daily news was on, and it was mainly all about the Festival of the Crystal Gods. Every year Sharelle City would host the countries largest festival, known as the Festival of the Crystal Gods. People from all over the world would come to visit the city during this six day festival, just to see the Crystal Gods fall from the sky and choose a Chosen One to be protector of Alaire. The honour was great, and many people turned up to see who would be chosen, and to see if they would be called on by the gods.

And in a special news report, we have scored an exclusive interview with the new Alaire League champion here on My News. If you want to know who this is, watch closely the newsreader said, before the scene changed.

Look Mike, theyre interviewing the new league champion. Wonder who it is Jases mum said.

We are proud to introduce the Alaire Champion, Brad Mackenzie.

There was silence in the Mackenzie household, and Jases mum dropped a plate. It smashed on the floor
It cant be his dad said, staring at the TV, Brad league champion.

Jase stared at the screen, and he saw his brother. He looked different than what he remembered. Brad had short, spiky brown hair now, with blonde highlights. He had green sunglasses, and was dressed in what looked like a very expensive suit. On a small table next to him were six pokballs.

So Brad, is there anything you would like to say? the interviewer asked.

Yeah. Id like to say hi to my mum and dad, and my bro Jase in Sharelle City Brad said, waving at the camera.

Now Brad, we have some exclusive footage of you in your last battle with Alaire League Master Zen. Do you mind if we show the last few moments of your battle to the public? the interviewer asked.

Why not. My brother may get some helpful tips Brad replied, and he disappeared.

They were now watching a scene from the battle. Brad was standing on the outer circle of what seemed to be a large stadium. Opposite him was a tall, dark man. He was dressed in a blue suit, and at his side was a single pokball.

Are you ready for the final battle, Brad? the man called Zen asked.

Ready as Ill ever be Brad replied.

Alright then. Let the final battle begin! Zen cried.

The audience cheered, and the lights went out. Now, only a few spotlights on the stage were turned on, one was facing Brad, another facing Zen. The other spotlights were fixed to focus on the centre of the stadium.

Now, on the count of 3, release your Pokmon the umpire said, raising his left hand.

Three, two, one, go! he said.

Alright, lets go Flygon! Zen yelled, throwing his pokball.

A large insect-like Pokmon appeared; it had green wings, and red crystal-like eyes. It had a long green tail that ended with three diamond-shaped things, which had a red rim. It sort of looked like a dragon fly.

The final battle is yours! Go Arcanine! Brad yelled.

The Mackenzies gasped. It was the same Pokmon that Brad had left with four years earlier, except it had been evolved. It was an extremely large dog, with a white fluffy mane and orange fur. Black zigzags were placed in a pattern on its body, and it had large, grimacing teeth.

Flygon, use Agility! Zen yelled.

Dont let him, Fire Spin! Brad retaliated.

The Flygon began to glow an iridescent pink, before spinning around faster and faster. Arcanine shot a burst of flames from its mouth, which seemed to form a tornado. It swirled forward viciously, and surrounded the Pokmon, which looked around for an escape.

Flygon, blow it away with Whirlwind Zen commanded.

Flygon began flapping its wings, forming a large tornado. It surrounded the Pokmon, forcing the fire to die down.

Arcanine, use Flamethrower Brad called.

Arcanine leaped into action, spewing hot flames from its mouth straight at the bug-like Pokmon. It was a direct hit, and the Pokmon caught fire.

Flygon, finish the dog with an Earthquake Zen yelled.

Flygon flew into the air, and began to pull weight from the stadium. It grew larger and larger, before plummeting towards the ground.

Finish it now, Arcanine. Get him while hes slow. Extremespeed! Brad called.

Arcanine disappeared from the screen, and reappeared directly in front of the Flygon, hitting it and knocking it out before it hit the ground. The Flygon disappeared.

The new champion is Brad Mackenzie, of Sharelle City the umpire cried out, the crowd roaring in disbelief, but happy of the outcome.

The TV turned off.

Thats enough for now Jase. Youll see your brother at the festival. Now, Shari needs a walk his mum said, disappearing into the next room.

Jase looked at Shari, who was wagging her tails eagerly.

Alright then, lets get this over with he mumbled, reaching for her leash.

Sit still, so I can put this thing on! Jase grumbled as Shari bounced happily around the room.

Its only a walk. Why do you get so excited? he asked, but she didnt reply.

Instead she leaped into the air.

SIT DOWN NOW! he hollered, and immediately Shari sat.

Thank you. Now, lets go he said, attaching the leash to her orange collar.

She led Jase to the front door, and as he opened it, she ran out, pulling Jase along.

Would you stop it? Jase asked, as Shari became interested in a scent on the fence post.

Lets go he said, dragging her along the footpath.

As he walked along the street, he could see the preparations for the festival taking place. There were many helpers, including Jases grandpa. He had been in the festival every year since he was ten, and when he was fifteen, was chosen by the gods to be protector of the city. It was a great honour to him, and he expected Brad or Jase to gain the honours one day.

Knowing that Brad recently had a new status in the world, this year it would probably be Brad. Jase didnt get to go on an adventure like his brother, because of the new laws. He had to wait until he was 15, so hoped it would be him. That was his dream, to travel all over the world.

Sit down Shari Jase commanded as they neared a road.

Shari promptly sat on the grass, wagging her tail.

Alright, lets go he said, and Shari took off across the road.

Jase had a hard time keeping hold of the leash. If she had gone any faster, then he would have let go. Jase cringed; he didnt like the thought of what may happen if he did.

They continued walking along the footpath, towards the festival grounds. The festival was held on a large oval, next to the main highway and just outside of the city. It wasnt a long walk to the festival from his house, and Jase had always liked the thought of seeing the gods himself, which he planned to be this year.

In previous years, when he was ten, maybe nine, he would never see over the head of the adults. Now he was an overgrown fourteen year old, and taller than many adults in the city. This would prove to be an advantage. Jase turned onto the small alley way that led to the secret entrance of the festival, where he and his friends would get in, and not have to pay the entry fee. It was a good secret, no one else knew it.

Im surprised that you havent run away yet Jase said to the Ninetales, who wagged her tails eagerly.

Ninetales she barked.

They came to the entrance of the festival, and they could see many tents and banners being put up all over the grounds.

May I help you? a voice said as Jase walked through the entrance.

Standing behind a kiosk was a girl, around his age. She had deep blue eyes, and shoulder-length, black hair.

Yes. Im looking for Fred Mackenzie. Is he here? Jase replied.

Over at the stage. Hes preparing for the visit she said, pointing to a large stage in the centre of the oval.

It had many lights pointing downwards, and looked about as big as a large swimming pool.

Thanks, Jase said, by the way. My names Jase.

Ally the girl replied, Ally Priest

Are you going tonight? Jase asked, hopeful that the answer would be yes.

Yes I am. Dont like the idea of paying ten bucks though she replied.

Well, you dont have to. Meet me at the end of Sechelle Street at six thirty tonight Jase said, Well get in for free

Its nothing illegal, is it? Ally asked.

No. Far from it Jase laughed, and walked off, Shari walking happily at his side.

He arrived at the stage, and tied Shari to the nearest tree.

Stay here girl he said, patting the Pokmon on the head

Ninetales she barked again.

Jase turned around to see his grandpa attempting to lift a giant box.

Grandpa, wait he called, and ran to help.

Well, if it isnt Jase he smiled, what brings you here?

Well, I had to take Shari for a walk, in payment for mum Jase replied.

Thats no good. Why dont you actually get a job? Youre old enough to catch the bus into the city. Find a job there Fred said, attempting to lift the box again.

Let me help you. Why do you do this grandpa? Youll break your back Jase said, helping Fred lift the box.

Whats in this thing? he asked.

Costumes for tonights parade. Are you looking forward to it? Fred asked.

I guess. I just want to see the Crystal Gods he replied, as they lifted the box onto the stage.

Ah. The Crystal Gods Fred said, his face turned to a dream-like state, I remember when they chose me. It was great. The crown was heavy, but thats okay. It was a privilege. It wouldnt surprise me if you were chosen this year, Jase

What about Brad. Hes Pokmon champion? Jase asked.

Brad seemed like the logical choice to him.

Not Brad. They see he is a champion. They choose someone who has not yet left the city, but has promise in their talent. They can tell who will be a champion Fred replied, You know, I was never a Pokmon trainer when I was your age. I had to work in the city. The gods chose me, because they saw talent in me. I dont know where. They just saw talent

What do they look like grandpa? Jase asked.

Well, two of them shine a brilliant blue, the other is red. Their bodies are all crystal, and each has different coloured eyes. One red, one green and one yellow. They resemble a human, but probably three times as tall as you or me. They are a sight to behold

And you really think that I could be the chosen one? That seems a bit far fetched if you ask me Jase replied.

Not as far fetched as it may seem. Anyways, shouldnt you be off? Shari needs her walk Fred said, and he climbed onto the stage.

I guess so. See you tonight grandpa Jase waved, before undoing Sharis leash.

Lets go. He led Shari back to the entrance, where he saw Ally.

Well, see you tonight he said.

Yeah. Six thirty sharp Ally replied, By the way Jase she said.

Jase unknowingly let go of Sharis leash.

Yeah? he asked.

I was wondering. Do you want to hang out with me sometime?

Before Jase could answer, he heard a screeching of tyres.

Oh no Jase gasped, looking down.

He suddenly realized that he had let go of the leash.

Shari he called, Shari, come here! Desperately he ran to the road. A small crowd had gathered.

Whats happened? he asked, but there was no reply.

A slight hum of theorys and eye witness accounts traveled through the crowds. Finally, when it reached Jase the message was:
A Pokmon has been hit. Looks like its a Ninetales.

Jase pushed his way through the crowd, and saw a cream coloured Pokmon lying motionless on the road, a pool of bright red blood surrounding it.

Shari! Jase yelled, running to the Pokmons side. He turned her over, and saw her, barely alive.

Ninetales she whimpered.

Shari, well get you to the Pokmon Centre. Youll be fine he said, cradling the Pokmon in his arms.

Shari gave one last whimper, and her eyes closed.

Shari Jase said, tears running down his face, Shari, wake up. Everythings alright. There was silence, and the crowd moved away.

Ill hunt down whoever did this to you, they will pay he whispered in her ears, you will get your revenge.

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Well, thats the first chapter done. what did you think?

Act
April 10th, 2005, 06:00 AM
Alright. A little concrit-as-I-go action.

It was the largest city in all of Alaire, otherwise known as the Land of the Gods.

The city was the LotG, or Alaire? Either way, is this important to mention now, so uncermoniously and frankly, randomly?


taller than any one had seen in the world.

Screwy sentence. Grammar is weird. Reword.

Crystal is not a proper noun. It does not get capatalized.

There had been a great discovery many years ago, and crystal was its main export.

I'm sorry? Despite the two clauses having zero relation, this is a very poorly thought out sentence. A great discovery of what? Crystal is whose main export? What kind of crystal? I'm pretty sure crystal is a general noun, such as gem. Also, this sentence is random and redundant. I'd actually just take it out, as it disrupts the flow of the paragraph.

The cry of Pidgey and Taillow erupted through the forest, like an echo, and flocks of bird Pokmon burst from the trees, in search of food.


This should be an independant paragraph. It relates in no way anyting around it.

No! God, I thought you'd be able to write dialogue. It's ABSOLUTELY NOT:

Alright, Jase. Time to get up A voice called.

It is:

"Alright, Jase. Time to get up," a voice called.

(I've ignored the fact that if it was in fact calling, it would probably need to end in exclamation)

Dialogue needs to be punctuated. As in end it with a comma unless there is no sentence after it, in which case you use a period. "A" and all words used the same way are not to be capatalized. Ever.

Jase stirred in his sleep, was something calling him to come towards it? He had to stay back.

What? Be serious. It's cute, but no one really acts like that. Being drowsy does not result in hallucinations.

His mother sounds like a mad sister, not a mature woman.

Your dialogue gets worse and worse. Please, learn how to write it.

Why is this bit about Shari necessary? It's boring and makes it sound like you were desparate for lengh. A short meaningful chapter is better than a long, dragged out one. You could have just said, "The family nintales, Shari, had grown up with Jase after being rescued from abandonment and the two were extremely close."

This drowsy thing is ridiculous.

Oh, the angst. This mean parent thing is so annoyingly overdone. You couldn't come up with an original plot device?

Every year Sharelle City would host the countries largest festival...

Country's, not countries. The former is possesive, while the latter simply plural.

A large insect-like Pokmon appeared; it had green wings, and red crystal-like eyes. It had a long green tail that ended with three diamond-shaped things, which had a red rim. It sort of looked like a dragon fly.


We all know what flygon looks like. Put a description like this before introducing the pokemon itself, it makes for an interesting guessing game.

Flygon flew into the air, and began to pull weight from the stadium. It grew larger and larger, before plummeting towards the ground.

What? All eartquake is... is an... earthquake. You've obviously played Colliseum. Don't bend canon liek this. It's a simple tremor, like a normal earthquake. Not a huge thing where an entire stadium is warped. Not to mention that as something moves further away it grows smaller.

Arcanine disappeared from the screen, and reappeared directly in front of the Flygon, hitting it and knocking it out before it hit the ground. The Flygon disappeared.

What? Wasn't flygon up in the air? It dissappeared? I'm sorry? You're battle scenes seriiously need work.

So it was a one-on-one? That isn't too logical. If so, what was the point of that? And wouldn't his childish mother, pining after her lost son, be a little more ecstatic, the father notwithstanding?

If Jase and Shari are such amazing friends, why doesn't she listen to him? Some one-sided relationship.

He had been in the festival every year since he was ten, and when he was fifteen, was chosen by the gods to be protector of the city.

What happens in the fest? What gods? You are so frank with everything. Just because you knwo doesn't mean we will hvae any clue.

...this year it would probably be Brad

What would probably be Brad?

What new laws? What did these laws say? I doubt you re-read this, but on the off-chance that you did, how did this make sense to you?

He hoped what would be him? I am panfully lost.

Now he was an overgrown fourteen year old, and taller than many adults in the city.

Imbecile. Boys don't stop growing until they are around 18. If they stopped at fourteen, boys and girls would be the same height and strengh, which isn't the case.

At that, he hadn't been to the fest since he was nine or ten?

--rolleyes-- I wonder what could possibly happen between Ally and Jase.

I guess. I just want to see the Crystal Gods

Gods should not be capatalized. Only God, when refrring to the God of Christians, Jews, and Muslims, should be capatalized, as it is used as a name. Though, if this is a title, which is not made clear, it is probably correct.

Oh, how lucky for Jase. These random unexplained gods will choose him. Who would have seen it coming. --raises hand--

Ally asks him out despite them having said, oh, three sentences to each other? Please be rational.

A slight hum of theorys and eye witness accounts traveled through the crowds.

This makes no sense. Learn grammar. Now.

He wants revenge? Like someone hit his pet on purpose. Please, this is so utterly ridiculous.

This was pretty awfully generic. It was predictable, boring, dragged out, and your grammar was atrocious. I'd really recommend getting a beta if you plan to continue this. I'll do it if you'd like. PM me if you see fit.