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KLS
April 9th, 2005, 05:44 PM
Chapter 1:Renji, Mind Reader


I stared at the beautiful sakura trees gently floating across the wind. The teacher spoke nonchalantly and before you knew it I fell asleep for the billonth time today. School was always so boring but before I realized it, school was already over. I groaned deeply because it seemed that the sun was scorching but I packed my books and was ready to walk home. The streets of Kyoto were very clean but very crowded so I had a hard time walking by everyone. After being shoved by stangers and tortured by the flaming sun I finally reached a nearby liquor store. I went in to buy something cool to drink but I felt a cool rush of air around my body. "Thank God" I thought to myself, the liquor store was not only huge but it had Air Conditioning. Thankfully, the refrigerator was next to the doorway so I didn't need to walk far. The liquor store was pretty clean, it had clean clear windows placed adjacent to the refridgerator. As I was busy thinking about what to drink, a mysterious tall man caught my attention and he was standing outside of the liquor store. I casually moved to the doorway a bit closer but the reason why I suspected him was obvious. I mean seriously, who wears a black leather jacket on a day like this? I felt a bit queasy around him and his aura was very chilling. I stared hard at him, and as he was about to enter I stepped aside the doorway. As his foot reached the doorway, I clenched my left fist and smashed his head through the window.

Kyosuke
April 9th, 2005, 10:02 PM
The first chapter is a tad confusing, the setting is nice, it seems as if its set in Japan with the Sakura tree and the busy streets.

When "Renji" stepped into the "liquor store", it got intesting when he saw the man in the black leather jacket and in the end he punched his head through the window... XD

My only gripe is that you should have spaced it out to make it easier to read, to the readers, and also adding more details about the man in the leather jacket and why he was punched would be nice.

And usuallly whats always nice in any story is that the ending contains the true climax, and ends the chapter on a "high note" ^^.

KLS
April 10th, 2005, 05:42 AM
The first chapter is a tad confusing, the setting is nice, it seems as if its set in Japan with the Sakura tree and the busy streets.

When "Renji" stepped into the "liquor store", it got intesting when he saw the man in the black leather jacket and in the end he punched his head through the window... XD

My only gripe is that you should have spaced it out to make it easier to read, to the readers, and also adding more details about the man in the leather jacket and why he was punched would be nice.

And usuallly whats always nice in any story is that the ending contains the true climax, and ends the chapter on a "high note" ^^.

well, what I want to do is have the story extended as long as possible.