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Gaia
April 14th, 2005, 03:53 PM
Well it's a long time since I posted a thread but oh well. If any of you have played Kingdom Hearts:COM u should quickly realize this a bit after it.Hoperfully it'll be better then my sucky fics :dead:

KIngdom Hearts
Ansem's Return
"Ugh...No..Please..." "I'm sorry Riku but you did beg me for power.This is the only way." The silver haired man stood up from his chair and patted me on the head. I stared in horror as I watched my home world dissappear into the shadows. The man caught my eye and winked. All of a sudden I felt a putrid odor tore into my nostrils, making me scream like a baby child."NO!!!I will not fall to the darkness!!NO!!" I fell to the ground and looked at him with horror in my eyes. He walked over to me and bended down, smiling."The pain will end very soon, Riku."And slowly he took off his silver white cloack and stared down at me with those horrible red slanted eyes. I breathed one final breath and wimpered :The keyblade... If only..." and without a final thought fell.

That was all a year ago... This is my legacy...

"Hey Riku!gosh what are we gonna do today?" I lifted my head,covering my eyes against the bright sunlight and clasped my eyes on a child sized mouse. He wore a small blue sweater and a small golden crown on his head. "Your Majesty! Ugh... I was thinking of returning to Destiny Islands...I had the dream again but this time something was different I fell to the ground. But my other dreams were that I turned into Dark Mode and went off to Traverse Town..."

"Well fella. We gotta break through the darkness and find out about your past. Remember what I said in Castle Oblivion?" And together we spoke in unison the sacred words that king Mickey had spoken"Even in the darkest darkness there will be a small glimmer of light at the end. That light is the door to Kingdom Hearts." "The darkness clouds my memories but I will remember everything, I think..." I turned around to face the King and murmured " I can sense his aura again, it's escaped my heart. I may have forgotten my loved ones or their names but will never forget Sora, Kairi, and their friends. He may have met his demise but I know that he's back." "You can't mean...Riku your pullin' my leg aren't you? Comm'on you gotta be kiddin'"
"No...Ansem's back"

I lifted the Soul Eater in anger and sliced at the air "Why did he have to return?! He's supposed to be locked in my heart! He should be dead!" The sky rumbled as it cowered against my anger. Birds flew crying shouts to another to stay away from my anger. As thunderbolts flew around me I looked at him and whispered "How? Why?" "We may not know but we'll have to find out" Raising his hands, the King murmured Disneylian, the language of the Disneys."Arah..Karamba...Ayoste!" Light fleww around us as we twirled around like spaghetti on a fork. "Agh!!" I was too tired from using my powers to see what happened next

O
April 15th, 2005, 03:44 AM
Well it's a long time since I posted a thread but oh well. If any of you have played Kingdom Hearts:COM u should quickly realize this a bit after it.Hoperfully it'll be better then my sucky fics :dead:

KIngdom Hearts [Kingdom]
Ansem's Return
"Ugh...No..Please..."[If it's a different person, start a new line] "I'm sorry Riku but you did beg me for power.This is the only way." [New Line] The silver haired man stood up from his chair and patted me on the head. I stared in horror as I watched my home world dissappear [Disapear] into the shadows. The man caught my eye and winked. All of a sudden I felt a putrid odor tore [Tear] into my nostrils, making me scream like a baby child.[It's baby, not a baby child]"NO!!! [Space] I will not fall to the darkness!! [Space] NO!!" I fell to the ground and looked at him with horror in my eyes. He walked over to me and bended down, smiling.[Space]"The pain will end very soon, Riku."And slowly he took off his silver white cloack [Cloak] and stared down at me with those horrible red slanted eyes. I breathed one final breath and wimpered :[This isn't script, use speech marks]The keyblade... If only..." and without a final thought fell.

That was all a year ago... This is my legacy...

"Hey Riku![SPACE] gosh what are we gonna do today?" I lifted my head,[SPACE]covering my eyes against the bright sunlight and clasped my eyes on a child sized mouse. [What's that?] He wore a small blue sweater and a small golden crown on his head. "Your Majesty! Ugh... I was thinking of returning to Destiny Islands...[SPACE]I had the dream again but this time something was different I fell to the ground. But my other dreams were that I turned into Dark Mode and went off to Traverse Town..."

"Well fella[Fellow]. We gotta[Slang isn't very good in writing.] break through the darkness and find out about your past. Remember what I said in Castle Oblivion?" And together we spoke in unison the sacred words that king Mickey had spoken[SPACE]"Even in the darkest darkness there will be a small glimmer of light at the end. That light is the door to Kingdom Hearts." [Why start new ones?] "The darkness clouds my memories but I will remember everything, I think..." I turned around to face the King and murmured " [No space here] I can sense his aura [You can't sense aura. You can see it again, it's escaped my heart. I may have forgotten my loved ones or their names but will never forget Sora, Kairi,[No comma on the last in the list] and their friends. He may have met his demise but I know that he's back." "You can't mean...[SPACE]Riku your pullin'[Why slang?] my leg aren't you? Comm'on[Come on] you gotta be kiddin'[DON'T SLANG]"
"No...Ansem's back" [New line if someone else is speaking]

I lifted the Soul Eater in anger and sliced at the air [Full Stop] "Why did he have to return?! He's supposed to be locked in my heart! He should be dead!" The sky rumbled as it cowered against my anger. Birds flew crying shouts to another to stay away from my anger. As thunderbolts flew around me I looked at him and whispered "How? Why?" "We may not know but we'll have to find out" Raising his hands, the King murmured Disneylian, the language of the Disneys."Arah..Karamba...Ayoste!" Light fleww around us as we twirled around like spaghetti on a fork. "Agh!!" I was too tired from using my powers to see what happened next

Good choice of words, but a lot of the story didn't make sense. And there was only 490 words, that's less than a page in word. You have to work harder if you want this fic to be a good one.

Gaia
April 18th, 2005, 03:23 PM
I guess it would make more sense id u did play the game anyways this fic is about Riku's darkness and how it's taking over him again. And DArk mode is where he transforms into a guy with a kind of skirt and kills people. Here is the next part:
Sora....SORA!"

"Hugh?" The brown haired boy looked up to see a girl that he always saw.She wore a long robe that started from her neck and fell to her feet. She trodded against the sand, nearing closer to him. He got up and looked at her"Kairi, what is it?"

He looked at her in wonder as he had never seen her wear that dress. He turned around to face the foamy sea and sighed "C'mmon hurry up and out with it!"

BRSHH!! "Aye!!"

He heard giggling behind him, as he turned around he saw his reflection in her shiny, jewel like eyes. his big yellow Blitzball shoes were aged and had sand all over it. His red small coat was now a big mess and had several holes in it. "Remember Sora? I'm one of the Princesses if Heart. I can protect you or harm you"

"Fine. I'm sorry just tell me what's goin' on, please?

"It's...Riku. He's returned to Destiny Islands...With the king

Tch... It's been a long time Sora"

"Yeah....It has...."As the soft wind blowed upon our shoulders I saw many people give glances of hatred to me"Look. I'm sorry I destroyed the Islands with darkness! Can't you forgive me?!!" A young girl, perhaps no more then the age of 10 approached me.She wore small brown sandals and yellow overalls that only went to her kness. She had long,curly brown hair shaped as M."Riuk...Me, Wakka, and Tidus have been thinking about what you've done and we can't forgive you.At all"she said in a high shrilly voice

I looked at her in anger and turned my attention to Sora, the King, and Kairi "Me and his Majesty sense sometyhing that trouble us. Can you feel it Sora? Kairi?"

Sora nodded. So did Kairi. "Who could have so much power Riku? he asked me.

"It feels like Ansem but his power and darkness...It just isn't as dark as before...."

Dark clouds rolled across the sky as we talked about our past and about what happened since I was gone. "Tch... We better get going."

"But Riku! You just arrived a couple of minutes ago!"Sora remarked.

"Sora...I want you to take care of Kairi while I'm gone...The power of light is stronger then darkness. I picked twilight. But I haven't received it's power. Protect her with the power of light." He nodded and asked me"Will you return?" "Yeah. Obviously." I sneered at him and said" The King will help me. There's nothing to worry."

A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER

"Riku...Fella... Why didn't you bring Sora and Kairi with us?" As the dark clouds surrounded Hollow Bastion I murmured"They aren't ready for the darkness that's coming... Ansem will be too powerful. Only I can defeat him. He's in this castle and I intend to get rid of him once and for all" And without thought stormed into the castle.

"I pushed the door opened and looked inside. It was a large wide, damp area with many mossaics on the walls. I walked forward, not even thinking about the harsh cold that surrounded me.

O
April 22nd, 2005, 10:40 PM
I do play KoH, but the story really needs improvement.

Miyu-chan
April 23rd, 2005, 11:40 AM
Even though I've never played KH...

@ Omega: Slang is acceptable in writing, depends on how you want to protray a character. I mean, someone living on the streets wouldn't speak all educated, won't they? And will teenagers use appropiate grammar? <<;

Not really, truth be told.

Well, observe how books are written, they don't do !!!! in the end of a sentence. And also, spell-check, grammar-check your story before posting it. n__n Also watch your quotations marks. o.O;


"Riku...Fella... Why didn't you bring Sora and Kairi with us?" As the dark clouds surrounded Hollow Bastion I murmured, "They aren't ready for the darkness that's coming... Ansem will be too powerful. Only I can defeat him. He's in this castle and I intend to get rid of him once and for all." And without thought I stormed into the castle.

A lot of wrong wording in the story, wrong punctuation, but I like your basics.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need any help. ;D

Shinin
April 24th, 2005, 01:09 PM
When does this story take place?

Gaia
April 27th, 2005, 05:51 PM
When does this story take place?
It tsake place right after Chain of memories, so it;s like a interlude of KH2 and COM

Burne Starcofski
April 27th, 2005, 06:59 PM
Pretty good plot so far.
Definitely support Miyu on the grammar part, but that's not allways at my top priorities.
I suggest you keep going, and copy all this into a single document, (which you can edit later and make it more polished should you wish.).