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~Amethyst_Callista_Moon~
April 17th, 2005, 08:57 PM
As said in my sig, it's here! Anything in [brackets like these] means that the Pokemon are talking. Enjoy!

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Chapter 1



All right, Bubbles. Show them what youve got!

A young, ten-year old Pokemon trainer was battling with her weakest pokemon in her team. Her name was Angel Amethyst. She was a poise trainer who had sparkly blue eyes and a long whip of light brown hair. She was wearing a beautiful cerulean shirt, along with a pink skirt that had ruffles along the sides. She was also wearing a white hat, with a Poke Ball on it. Angel was also meant to be a skilled trainer, enough for the strong ones to handle.

She was battling with her Squirtle, who was nicknamed Bubbles (for Squirtles Bubble and Bubblebeam attacks). Bubbles had just entered the lush, green, and verdant arena that Angel and her opponent, Kai, had planned for their pokemon. Now it was Kais turn to send out his pokemon.

Go! Torchic! Kai purposely said as he sent out his Torchic.

Kai, do you want to purposely be defeated by my Squirtle? Angel asked in confusion.

Of course not! Kai answered. Youre just a beginner, so why not have a piece of my better-than-you Torchic! Use your Scratch!

In a flash, Torchic rose in the air, and laid a severe scratch on Bubbles back.

I have better pokemon than Bubbles, Kai. Angel said as she got out her other five Pokeballs. Three Dive Balls, a Luxury Ball, and an Ultra Ball. Bubbles was in a Poke Ball. She started to toss them. Out came a Vaporeon, a Dragonair, a Dewgong, a Cloyster, and a Lapras.

Kai looked surprised. He never wished he could see this trainer again! He grabbed his five Ultra Balls and started to throw them, aggressively. Out came five Aggron. They were vigorous, tough, mighty, and strong. Though Kai knew that his five Aggron would be blown away from Angels water type pokemon, he never knew too much about Aggrons steel type attacks (which would have wiped out Dewgong, Cloyster, and Lapras.). The only attacks that Kai would have cared about would be Dragon Claw, Crush Claw, and Meteor Mash. They wouldnt cause much of a happy ending, but most of it.

Anyway, Angel continued as she returned her other five pokemon, Where were we?

Right at the part where I beat your puny Squirtle! Kai rose up to the air and landed on one of his Aggron. Aggrons! Use the best of your Hyper Beam!

The five Aggron took a super deep breath, and then shot at the right target. Bubbles. As the yellow-green beam started to hit Bubbles, Angel grabbed Bubbles. Dragonair came out of its Luxury Ball and formed a Safeguard over Angel and Bubbles. All of a sudden, a mysterious black aura started to surround them. Angel, Bubbles, and Dragonair held on to each other so that they wouldnt get separated. Then, Dewgong, Cloyster, and Lapras escaped their Dive Balls and formed a Triple Ice Beam. The ice had frozen the Aggron. Now they had to demolish Torchic in order to win the battle. Dewgong hit with Surf, Cloyster used a Waterfall, and Lapras hit with a Hydro Pump. Kai saw that his whole team was defeated, so he threw all six of his Poke Balls and his team came back in the balls.

I dont believe you! Call a battle for nothing! Kai ran off until he was nowhere to be seen.

Angel and Bubbles disappeared within the black aura. Dewgong, Cloyster, and Lapras had nowhere to go. With the opponent gone, they were in trouble. Where would they go now?
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Now it had seemed crazier than ever to know what had happened to Dewgong, Cloyster, and Lapras. Fortunately, the Water and Ice Trio managed to find out where Angel, Bubbles, and Dragonair (who was nicknamed Starlight) where taken. The Trio also had nicknames. Dewgong was Waterlight, Cloyster was Spikeshell, and Lapras was Sea Dragon.

Now the Trio was in a pool of water. It turned out to be a lake in the forest, and Sea Dragon managed to follow the route. Waterlight and Spikeshell managed to find a hidden glass door, and fortunately, Sea Dragon knew how to open it. (It was this spot where Sea Dragon had taken Angel when she was six.) She struck the door with a powerful Ice Beam. Waterlight took turns with Spikeshell using Aurora Beam and Icicle Spear. The door opened! The Trio had penetrated the glass door, and then, they were in a rainbow colored room.
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The room had no floor, and it was shaped like they were in a cylinder. Waterlight, Spikeshell, and Sea Dragon were floating in mid-air! They started to lower down, automatically. Then they landed in a small room, from which they came down from. All of a sudden, a Squirtle popped out. Who was it? Bubbles? Or a Squirtle? Spikeshell managed to identify this particular Squirtle. It was Bubbles, because Spikeshell could identify the scratch on Bubbles back.

[Angel sent me here to find you.] Bubbles said.

[Is this the reason that we had to go through all that crazy stuff?] Spikeshell asked.

[Yeah, and if it werent for Sea Dragon, you three wouldnt find us at all.] Bubbles answered.

[What are we waiting for?] Waterlight questioned. [Lets go head back to Angel.]

The four of them set off on water. Bubbles was too young to swim, so she sat on Sea Dragons comfortable back. Spikeshell and Waterlight followed as well. The river was a long way ahead and Bubbles was like their tour guide.

Soon, the quartet made it to a door. The river continued, but Bubbles told Sea Dragon to stop, because that was the place were the three were taken. Before the Trio learned about that place, Spikeshell was about to ask Bubbles a question.

[So, why were you three_] Spikeshell was about to ask.

[I was just about to tell you that part.] Bubbles told Spikeshell. [You guys know about some person named Diego?]

The Trio shook their heads.

[Nope.] Spikeshell replied.

[Who is Diego?] Waterlight asked.

[Not a bit.] Sea Dragon answered.

[Well, that was the reason we disappeared by that black aura in the forest. After that, we were falling down a deep hole. Once we stopped, two of his comrades took us to some kind of dungeon and then, they tied our hands, legs, and our necks were surrounded by thick shackles, except for Starlight, because she has no hands and legs. She managed to set a Hyper Beam to set me free and Angel as well. But then, the guards came back. Luckily, Starlight put a Safeguard around me, her, and one around Angel. One of the guards couldnt touch her, so he grabbed out his axe and broke the force field without even hurting Angel one bit. Then they escorted her out somewhere else.] Bubbles told them.

[And for the benefit of everyone, I have more to tell you.] A voice said.

Waterlight looked behind herself. There was no one there.

[Who was that?] She asked.

Sea Dragon thought for a moment.

[HmmmThat voice sounds familiar.] Her voice trailed off.

It turned out that someone was behind them, but was invisible. The invisible pokemon became visible, and it turned out to be Starlight, behind a Safeguard. Also, behind her, was Vaporeon, whose nickname was Aqua, behind an Acid Armor. The others were shocked to see that Aqua was with Starlight all along!

[Aqua!] Bubbles cried. [What are you doing here?]

[Well, back in the forest, I secretly came out of my Ultra Ball, but no one could see me because of Starlights Safeguard. After Starlight set Angel and Bubbles free, I was behind an Acid Armor, and I was right behind Starlight the whole time.] Aqua replied.

[Wow, Aqua. You sure were sneaky.] Bubbles said.

[Yeah, even enough to be Angels main pokemon.]

[Now, what are we supposed to be doing here? Shouldnt we be finding Angel?] Waterlight asked, confused.

[Bubbles, get on Sea Dragons back.] Starlight commanded.

Bubbles did as she was told. Aqua hopped on, to keep Bubbles company, even though she was a strong swimmer. Starlight was also a swimmer, so she led the way. Following her was Waterlight, then Sea Dragon, and then Spikeshell. They were swimming along the path of the continuous river. The path was dark and Starlights blue jewel on her forehead could brighten the path.

[And you were going to tell us more about Diego?] Aqua asked Starlight.

[Oh, yes! It seems that the room that Diego hid Angel in is far, far, away. The chains are made of fire, unreachable, and indestructible.] Starlight told them.

[Ouch. That must really hurt.] Aqua commented.

[Yes, it does. Were going to bust through the gates, unlock the chains, and get out of this dark chamber!] Starlight told them.

[And, how do you expect us to do that?] Sea Dragon questioned.

[This whole place has no floors! We swim our way out.] Starlight answered. Then, she whispered something to Bubbles and Aqua.

[Oh! Now I get it!] Bubbles said.

Aqua faced the Trio. [Starlight tells us that the room is to the left. However, our plan will have to backfire_,]

No! This will never work! A sudden voice approached.

Bubbles gasped. She curled into her shell. Aqua used an Acid Armor to comfort her.

[That voice isDiego! Quick! Head to the right entrance!] Starlight urged.

Everyone headed to the other side, for that Diego was coming from the left side. His Crobat, ACRO, was beside him, and he was in his most aggressive moment yet. He was working on a plan to demolish Angels water powers so that he could have the powers himself and do it to other Pokemon trainers.

Now that this plan is backfired, I can go work on another plan! Diego told ACRO.

[And I dont blame it. What you need, Master, is a fueling device. Something that will drain the water forever!] ACRO suggested.

Yes, you have a point there, but... Diego thought for a moment. Then, he had an idea. Now this will make a fortune! He and ACRO left to the left section.

Starlight listened. [Coast is clear!] She told the others. They joined her as well.

[All right. Now I officially understand this evil plot of his!] Waterlight said.

[What we need to do is find the regular center base of Diegos secret hideout. In other words, his hideout is secret from here, so we need to find a passage or some kind of door of some sort.] Spikeshell said.

[Right. And we need to do it quick. Theyre going to start any minute now!] Sea Dragon urged.

Everyone gasped. [Weve got to stop them!] Aqua exclaimed.

[Lets split up!] Starlight commanded.

Everyone went their own way. Starlight went for the right section. The Trio managed to go back the way they came to see if they found any entrances that they missed. And Aqua and Bubbles head for the ground part of this water chamber, to see if they could find any floors to run on.
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In the right section, Starlight swam around until she could find some evidence of Diegos evil plan. She started to spot a gray, stone door with a blue, glass box in the center. Starlight examined it carefully. There were golden sparks around the box. Curious as it looks; Starlight fired an Ice Beam at the box. It was now frozen. However, the ice broke off, and the box shattered into pieces. Starlights head could fit right through the box. She peered in, and what she could find were, big, wooden boxes that said, TOP SECRET painted in thick coats of red. Starlight wondered what those boxes contained. But it was no use.
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Back were they were, Waterlight searched the left side, Spikeshell searched the right, and Sea Dragon continued on forward. Waterlight found a little pack of blue round bombs. By twiddling it open, she took out one of the bombs. She put it on the ground and then, it exploded. The Trio dove underwater for cover. When they surfaced, the bomb made a black mark on the ground. Sea Dragon came over and examined it. Then she looked at the box. Suddenly, she gasped.

[Look! It says, Property of the Dark Master] Spikeshell replied.

[Who in the world is the Dark Master?] Waterlight questioned.

[I dont know, but we have to find out] Sea Dragon said.

The Trio ran out with the box and looked for more clues about the Dark Master.

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End Chapter

You might not understand Diego's plan very well, because I wanted to keep it a secret.

SilverBlaze09
April 18th, 2005, 03:20 PM
Err, is this your first story? It kinda shows...

You need serious work on your description, and we coulda guessed that the words between the brackets were poke-speak, the Pokemon were the only ones talking, weren't they? Uh-huh, they were...

That, and I have a premonition on where this is going... Angel is some sort of guardian, and Diego wants her command of the water for himself...

However, I may be wrong... You might want to practice writing some more, and read other fics, to see what sells... Metaphorically speaking...

I'll leave now... SB

Act
April 20th, 2005, 03:07 PM
First fic, huh? o.o;; This should be fun.

-- young, ten-year old Pokemon trainer...

Young? All trainers start at 10. She's not young, she's just right.

--Her name was Angel Amethyst.

Your first fic, huh? ::rolleyes:: Try not to hold back the Sue /too/ much.

--She was a poise trainer who had sparkly blue eyes and a long whip of light brown hair. She was wearing a beautiful cerulean shirt, along with a pink skirt that had ruffles along the sides. She was also wearing a white hat, with a Poke Ball on it. Angel was also meant to be a skilled trainer, enough for the strong ones to handle.

What's a poise trainer? She only has a whip of hair... what's that, a birth defect? She doesn't get a whole head or hair? Ah, the IPoUCD: infamous paragraph of unnecessary character description. Please, no one cares what your Sue is wearing. Oh, and the last sentence makes no sense.

--(for Squirtles Bubble and Bubblebeam attacks).

Thanks for clearing that cliche name up. ::another rolleyes::

--had planned for their pokemon.

They planned the area? What? Also, the slaugtering of the name 'Kai' in fanfiction annoys me. I'm an avid, devoted fan of the Harvest Moon games... and that dissappoints me. And to think I just got over lecturing my brother on how, if you could be a girl in HM64, I'd undoubtedly marry Kai.

--Kai purposely said...

As opposed to... unpurposely saying something? What?

--to purposely be defeated by my Squirtle...

Please get clear on the meaning of 'purpose' and all words with that root.

Oh, joy. The obligitory mean boy.

-Out came a Vaporeon, a Dragonair, a Dewgong, a Cloyster, and a Lapras.

She's ten and she has a complete team? And one like /that/? Well... this is what I get for reading Pokemon fanfiction, I suppose. Sues.

This paragraph is incoherent and makes no sense.

I think, at this point, it would be smart of me to stop picking out sentences to concrit, as this would probably quickly be turned into a flame... and be well over four pages long.

Done reading.

Congrats. This is one of the worst Sues I've ever seen. This is one of the most random, cliched fics I've ever read. Take it down and revise it before you start to make heads explode...

Feel free to e-mail for an actual critique. Feel free to not if you won't actually listen to what I say in one.

~Amethyst_Callista_Moon~
April 20th, 2005, 05:53 PM
This is making me more discouraged than getting advice in a nice way. I had to work on an 8-page chapter for nothing.....

Reya Boyens
April 20th, 2005, 06:44 PM
It's called constructive criticism. it's made to help you improve your writing. If I had any writing up, I'd learn to accept it. You have to too. I realize it seems mean, she's right. Your story seems like one big cliche. The name bubble has obvious origins, too, so you really didn't need your explanation of it. Anyone who has seen a single episode of pokemon would understand the reference, I'm sure. However, for your sake, I will stop here.


Oh, and by the way, that doesn't mean you've worked on it for nothing. It means you have advice on what you can do better. Nobody's saying it's pure trash. We're just saying it needs some work. Good luck.


Sorry bout the double-post folks. Fixin' that up now!

SilverBlaze09
April 21st, 2005, 02:26 AM
*shrugs* Put yourself in our shoes. We WANT to read good stuff. Some of us also want to make the bad stuff good stuff. So, when we spot a not-so-perfect(or too perfect) fic, we take it apart.

A lot of the best writers started exactly like you. Really bad fic, the reviewers tearing it apart, but instead of quitting, the authors went and fixed what the reviewers pointed out. Now, they're getting compliments, nominations for awards, and above all, lots of readers. I personally know of two of them. Chibi Pika's fic, 'The Legendarian Chronicles', was so bad, it hurt to read it. She, too, was hit by the reviewers, who did what we're doing; that is, finding problems with the story and telling you about them. Now, she's got one of the best fics out there.

And let's not forget Umbrazard. *shudders* I won't go there. Let's just say that he thought his reviewers were right and he fixed it, and leave it at that.

Well, I'd better stop before I go off on a tangent. Oh, and Reya Boyens, I suggest you copy your second post, delete it, then go and paste it on your first post. Double-posting is not allowed. (huh, I think I just broke a rule, better go check) *disappears* SB

Act
April 21st, 2005, 02:43 AM
This is making me more discouraged than getting advice in a nice way. I had to work on an 8-page chapter for nothing.....


That was eight pages? :\

Most Sue-writers don't listen to advice. If you actually care about improving your writing (which I can assume not by your reaction), you'd take what was given. If you don't care... why are you posting on a writers' forum?

~Amethyst_Callista_Moon~
April 21st, 2005, 07:22 PM
Well, at least here's a good part.

I got a notebook today so I will use it to record te advice I need to improve this story.

EDIT: Close this for all I care! I already thought of a new title!

Eevee Trainer
April 22nd, 2005, 01:05 PM
This fan fic is pretty good but seems that u exaggerated a bit to much. good stuff write another

oni flygon
June 17th, 2005, 02:15 PM
Er... this is all constructive criticism... there's nothing rude about that... as ActOnThat says, most sue-writers don't know what is for their own good... =.=

Anyways, you lack a bit on description. This is what we call as "Anime-style battling"--the descriptions are so bland that it's just plain... well, just work on your descriptions a bit. Also, your characters are too perfect. Try to give them flaws... then that would've great... =D

SilverBlaze09
June 17th, 2005, 05:17 PM
You're All Rude! You Just Don't Like My Writing At All, You Cakesniffers!
*twitch* Wow, I've been called a cakesniffer, whee...

What's a cakesniffer?

Never said we didn't like your writing, just that this was too, uh, perfect?

And you capitalized too many words in that post, and I think this thread was too old to revive... But I may be wrong, I couldn't find the THREAD REVIVAL rules, just a reference to it. :p

Niko, we've already told her that. *shrugs*

Anyways, AV, think about it. Instead of telling US that WE'RE wrong, take a different tack. Hold a conversation with you and your logical side.

'Can the three reviewers who've all said almost the same thing be totally wrong? All of them?'

If the answer's YES, then we cannot help you and I doubt you'll get anywhere. This world has enough arrogance as it is. And yes, I thought it over carefully before I threw in 'arrogant'. Just keep writing and wondering why people keep saying the same thing over and over and over again.

However, if the answer's NO, then there is hope.

'What can I do to fix it?'

Depends on how far you want to go. If you want to keep this plot and these characters, than once again, there's nothing we can do.

If you want to improve, however, you may. As you are only nine, I must say that this is still pretty good. Think of how good you could be when you're thirteen, or fourteen, or my age!

Holy cow, I sound like I'm two hundred years old...

Start with your plot. Is it gonna be a 'save the world' story? Not many people like those, but if you do it right, you might do pretty good. But it'll require a LOT of planning and work and probably a beta or two.

Is it gonna be a 'travel around, beat up Gyms and Elite 4s' story? Again, not many people like those, either, but I've seen some wonders.

Decide on the plot, 'cause that's what draws people in.

Then, once you've beaten a plot into vague shape, turn to your characters.

Think carefully, 'cause the characters are what keep people interested. Don't make the main character a parody of one of your fantasies, for example. They're normally incapable of defeat, or are just too emotionless.

Try to make your main character a normal person; or, in the case of people with powers beyond that of normal Humans, as normal as possible.

For example, let's take a female Human of about fourteen years of age.

We have several basic things to start with.

1. The need to be told she's pretty by a guy.
2. The need to shop and chat with her friends(it is possible to ignore this, 'cause she may be a recluse)
3. Boyfriends and hot movie stars.
4. If she's a trainer, caring for her team members and training them.


We'll start with number one. It may not be a conscious need, but girls like being told that they are pretty by guys. Raise your hand if you think differently, but that's been my experience.

So, in the course of your writing, you can expand this character into either a swaggering professional, with no apparent need to be told the important fact, but still has it buried deep, or you can make her shy and unsure when she's alone with a 'normal' guy. No, it doesn't have to be 'alone' alone, it can be in the middle of the crowd, it just has to be when they're talking together.

There, we have a base. Naturally, you can expand this several different ways, ESPECIALLY if she's some sort of guardian or something. I'm just laying out a base.

Number two, the chatting impulse. Who here knows ANY girl who wouldn't make a coupla friends with other females? Please raise your hand if you do. I mean, that's basic for females from all that I've seen, which has been a lot.

Yes, it's also basic to think about the 'Mall Assault'. I mean, shopping+girls=well known fact! XD

So, now you can show her trying to live a normal life and yet keep guarding or whatever. Cliche, yes, but it's popular, sooo...

Number three, teh hot guys area. Need I give you ideas? I know, at age nine you might not know about any of this, but just ask some of the older girls.

Number four, Pokemon. This is entirely up to you, but we'd like to see some things.

Does she love and trust her Pokemon, and vice versa? What kind of training, or are they just assistants to the guardian? Do they enter contests?

If you don't want to do a fourteen-year-old, try something you know from experience. However, don't do the ten-year-old guardian thing, it isn't very realistic.

Grammar and spelling is, well, key. I mean, if we can't read it, how are we supposed to decide if it's good or not? As far as I know, there are no telepaths that can say 'this is what she wrote'.

I suppose I've dragged this on for as long as I can. I've gotta parent lurking over my shoulder, sooo... ;D

SilverBlaze09

Strawberry Delcatty
June 17th, 2005, 07:17 PM
Just accept your reviews already! These are fellow writers trying to help you with constructive criticism. They went through the same phases as you're going through now. Even I have been through them.

Seriously, just accept the reviews as advice and NOT an insult. If you don't, you WON'T get any respect from other writers whatsoever. Trust me, I've been there.

oni flygon
June 17th, 2005, 07:25 PM
Sue Writers? Are You Saying That I'm A Sue Writer!? I Hate You!
Girl, take a chill pill. We're helping you out here. Sure you have potential and all... but it's all too perfect. My advice is to read other people's work... just to see what I mean by giving your characters some flaws, okay?

Strawberry Delcatty
June 17th, 2005, 07:36 PM
I read the fic, and I stopped reading at the end of the battle due to lack of interest. Angel won that battle too easily for a beginner. Like Niko said, give your characters flaws. Don't make them win every battle. Also, shouldn't beginning Pokemon teams be at the lowest level possible (as well as not having any non-evolving Pokemon)?

Think logically: why do (traded) Pokemon disobey you in the games? Outside from your lack of badges, they have a lot of power to spare, and why would they waste it serving for you if they don't see you worthy? It would just to easy for you to win all the time, so that's why that system exists. You start out with low-level first-stage Pokemon for a reason: they're easier to train.

Overall, revise this story with the reviews (and some author advice threads) in mind.

~Amethyst_Callista_Moon~
June 21st, 2005, 09:39 PM
You are just pathetic...........

Mr Cat Dog
June 21st, 2005, 11:25 PM
No, you're pathetic for being a Mary Sue writer that can't accept criticism. I don't sugarcoat things. I speak the truth. Stop yelling at your reviewers or you'll get a warning.

Lily
June 22nd, 2005, 10:30 AM
^_^ No one is pathetic. Angel, keep in mind she is only trying to help you. It's not very fair to call others pathetic, when they're giving you advice, is it?

Cakesniffers...do you read Lemony Snicket, per chance? =D

Bashaamo
June 22nd, 2005, 11:17 AM
I read Lemony Snicket's books! =D And your story is not bad you know. I would say you put a lot of description in the beginning; at the middle part and the end I think you also put enough description. Uhh... I really don't know what poise means, really... can somebody tell me?

~Amethyst_Callista_Moon~
June 23rd, 2005, 07:58 AM
All right, for everyone here....

'Poise' means, 'standing perfectly'.

Bashaamo
June 23rd, 2005, 12:19 PM
Now I get it! Thanks for the definition. =)