View Full Version : Experiment: Eeveelution
April 30th, 2005, 12:46 AM
Chapter 1: Bouldareon
Professor Mentele stood up from his papers and looked into the glass room in front of him. Inside there was a small Eevee, who even though was small had many battle scars.
By it there was a robotic arm holding a stone of some sort. Mentale waited at first looking over his paper, checking over each one of his notes on Pokemon evolution then said the words "Commence Test Number 016."
Large metal bands suddenly held down the Eevee. Panic Struck the Eevee as the robotic arm pressed down on the Eevee.
Nothing Happened for a few seconds. Then a bright flash of light consumed Him, Tranforming him, Making him Bigger and Stronger.
Prof. Mentele jotted down everything he was seeing, his eyes full of delight "Its Evolving! Its actually Evolving!." as he sayed this he wrote '#016 had been trained to Level 100 and given Hard Stone. The combination succesfully Evolved it into a Rock Type.'
He watched as 016 changed from a brown to a dingy grey. Its pelt turned from fuffy and soft to rock hard. Finaly a horn that looked more like a drill began to protrude from its skull.
Mentele stared at it in amazment. "Your name" he said, speaking into the microphone "Is Boudareon."
Boudareon seemed confused at this but then at last grunted with a grin.
April 30th, 2005, 04:44 AM
Cool first paragraph although its a little short
April 30th, 2005, 01:35 PM
Yeah well it was at 3 AM and I was just trying to finish so I could go to bed ><
April 30th, 2005, 07:53 PM
NOTE: Bouldareon belongs to me anyone using him/her will be hunted down and attacked by angry monkeys...that is all
Chapter 2: The Presentation
Behind closed doors a confrence had begun. Many profetional looking men were around the table, including one who looked very shady. Profeser Mentele was at the end of the long table wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Behind him there was a cage of some sort draped with a white cloth.
"After much testing, some with bad side effects including drowning, electricution and major burns.". A few People cringed remembering themselves failing time and time again. "But Number 016." He paused grining from ear to ear "Has been a wonderfull success!".
Mentele tugged at the cloth revealing a grey rock. At first everyone just watched it while looking around "Is this a Joke?" the shady character spoke with a stern, deep voice. "No no!" Mentele looked worried "I can fix this.". He pulled a small stick from a pocket in his coat and pressed a button. It then Inlarged to a size of about 3 feet. Using this rod he poked the rock.
A few seconds went by untill it begain to shake, then with a crack it unraveled. Gasps filled the room as the stone changed into a creature of some sort. "This is Bouldareon!" Bouldareon's ears pricked up at its name 'Boul?'. Mentele chuckled "Yes we're talking about you little one.".
"Bouldareon is a new evolution of Eevee. His hard skin-" saying this he took the rod and proded him "Is not made of acual rock but scails.". "This is good Mentele." The shady figure spoke "Yes thank you Gi-" he was interupted by the shady man "Now I want 50 of them and new research on it and more evolutions of Eevee by Tomarrow.".
Mentele looked shocked "50 of them by tomarrow?! B-but we don't even have that many Eevees!". "Well" said the shady figure standing up and walking away "Get more. Buy them, steal them, make them fall from the sky I don't care just get me more.". Mentele droped his head making his brown hair cover his eyes "Yes Giovani...".
April 30th, 2005, 07:58 PM
Great story! Just make the sections longer!
May 2nd, 2005, 03:54 AM
Ooh that chap was alil shadey but still good
But make them longer *pulls hair out*
May 2nd, 2005, 02:49 PM
Well, I suppose I should start by agreeing with everyone: make it longer.
Let's see here. FYI, I give the most honest critiques you will ever see. Well, maybe not EVER, but... ya know.
Okay, you have some technical errors. Plenty of little spelling mistakes, however, you get your point across. Also, you have some inconsistencies: in the first chapter, you seem to have forgotten the "L" in Bouldereon. Well, I guess I don't know which way it's supposed to be. But, like I said, you still get the point across just fine.
However, this straightforward-ness, isn't going to pull in many readers. You need more emotions! Everyone loves emotions.
Oh, and my more personal advice: try to avoid vague descriptions like "of some sort". It's like telling a friend to pick up someone they don't know at an airport and saying, "She's got hair, of some color, in some updo." It doesn't give any real description. I think your description of the metal arm would have been fine if you just left the "of some sort" out.
While you do a nice job of explaining the eevee's expression after it evolves, you could go further into it. I mean, you say it was scared then grinned, but perhaps a brief, three-word or so explanation of why would help.
Lady Demoonica Darkmoon
May 2nd, 2005, 08:09 PM
Ah! So that's where my Bouldereon came from. Let's see, it's a bit technical, but it's just getting started. If I can read it I don't notice spelling errors, so can't help you there. I like the truth in what Eevee had been put through to get it to evolve. Reya has a point with emotions, but right now the peoples emotions aren't being tested. Nothing that would cause a big reaction has happened, there for no large emotional reactions. Over all it's good, not for people who want a happy-go-lucky story, but I so far enjoy it.