PDA

View Full Version : Look to the Horizon(age 12+)


Chikara
May 1st, 2005, 07:08 AM
It was late in Spring, and the leaves were now falling from the trees. Conner watched this, and looked down in disappointment. Luce(louk), the ice wizard, and Conners past friend, had become mad with power. He had vowed to end all seasons.
Conner had watched his friends down fall, and that was the last time he had seen him. He looked up, and picked up a leaf. It was from the tree that Conner and Luce had met under. Conner raised a hand and made a small spark of lightning come out. It lit the leaf, and made a small fire. He threw it on the ground, and a patch of snow disapeared.
As Conner walked down the street, he glanced to his side. There was a short girl there, but she was his age(16). Conner smiled.
Hey Cori, he said, glad to see her.
Good to see you again Conner. She said, looking at his waist. Have ya used that lately? Conner looked down. He rested his hand on the ivory handle. The blade was shining.
No. I havnt even seen it for a while. He responded.
You know, things have changed since the battle against Luce. Said Cori. Conner looker st her like she was crazy.
Like what? The worlds going to freeze over? I know that. He said, crossing his arms. Cori looked to her side.
No. Since your face softened. Before the battle, you were so quiet. Now, you are a little more social. She said. Conner stared.
Y-you think Ive changed? he asked, rubbing the back of his head. Heve I changed that much?
Yeah! Even though we barely see each other, I notice things that others dont. she explained. I talked with Matt the other day. I asked him if he noticed anything different, and he said you cut your hair.
Humph. Idiot. Grunted Conner. Conner hadnt cut his hair since he was five. It was sorta shaggy, but Cori thought it made him look cuite.
Rember when you had the accident? The one with the little boy? she continued. Conner looked up, and then looked back down.

Flash Back

Mr! Please! Its the last that I have! cried a little boy. Conner happened to be walking past, and gripped his sword.
I dont care if you have nothing! Your going to give me every thing! cried the man, grabbing the boy by the collar. Conner watched all the people in the village walk pasr like it wasnt happening.
Hey! he yelled, without thinking.
Hm? Oh, another kid? Well, the more the marrier right? Come for trouble, or are you going to plead for mercy like this one? The man asked, throwing the boy to the ground. Conner didnt say anything. Hm Just like that one. Cowers in fear when danger approaches ay? he smirked.
Your not gonna leave here alive. Said Conner, gripping his sword.
Ok, so whats a Crusader like you gonna do? Swing your little sword around? The man continued.
Not quite. Said Conner, raising his hand. A few sparks flew from it, and then, a bolt, that intentionaly missed. The man looked at Conner like he was mad. Now, your going to leave here, and not look back. He said.
H-how? the man asked.
Before I explain that, tell me your name, Conner said.
And if I refuse? he said. Conner raised an eyebrow, and lifted his hand again. Ah! Mt name is Kief. He stammered.
Thanks for your cooperation, now if youd be so kind- Conner began, but he was cut off by Kiefs charge. Conner shot out a bolt, but it split, and headed for the boy.
AUGH! he screamed as 10,000 volts of electricity fried his insides. Conner froze. He stared at what was left of the boy, a burned mass of flesh, and heard Kief run up behind him. He pulled out his sword, and Kief stupidly ran into it. Blood stained the snow, and he dropped to his knees. Conner replaced it, and looked back to the boy.
D*mn it he whispered. He couldnt feel his legs, and colapsed under them.

End Of Flashback

Why did you bring that up? Conner asked, trying to push the image away.
Because you moved on. Cori said, shoving her hands into her pockets. You didnt give up, and continued in the war.
I guess Conner said, looking at the hand that produced the killing bolt. Cori smiled.
It was nice to see you again. She said, still smiling. But I have a war to fight, she walked away. Conner looked up, and then followed her.

The End!

Allstories
May 3rd, 2005, 11:54 AM
The narration is convoluted and overly blatant. The dialogue is neither realistic, nor is it remotely interesting. There's not a whole lot I liked about it. I'm not sure what else I can tell you except to just write better next time and work on your paragraphs. Attain a better grasp of how to write appropriately.

Kyosuke
May 3rd, 2005, 01:14 PM
Whoa all that wasn't really needed, if you didn't like it all you had to do was either:

1. Not respond period

or 2. Give some real contructive critisim and not just critize without giving any sort of advise to help her writing, other then 'write better'.


For a one-shot, it was actully pretty good, I liked the way the character development was through out the whole story with Conner, but for a one-shot it seemed a bit short in terms of description and a better feel of what is going on.

Just make it a tad more organized, with the text and some of the spelling (I should talk XD). Great job for a short story, I liked the crazyness involved it it ^^.

Allstories
May 5th, 2005, 12:22 PM
Shouldn't saying what I don't like about it constitute as constructive criticism? I don't have to like the story, but I should be allowed to say why.

Gohan
May 5th, 2005, 06:36 PM
And you should still give out hints to help her or just not post. I liked itFireFox113. I thought it was sort of confusing when the flashback started but I liked it.

Miyu-chan
May 5th, 2005, 07:01 PM
Hmm, you've got something there alright, but I suggest using spell check and grammar check. I spotted alot of punctuation mistakes. Maybe hiring a beta reader will help? =)

But I loved how you described some of your scenes. n_n