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Brendon
May 7th, 2005, 10:06 PM
CHAPTER 1
Early one day in little root town Brendon FINALLY woke up.Brendon:YAWHN, what time is it?*gets out of bed and looks at his watch*SHOOT I'M LATE!!!!!!!*gets dressed*Brendon's mom:Breakfast is ready.Brendon:I got no time I'm late!*goes running down stairs*Brendon:bye Mom I'll see you in Two weeks.*rushes out of door*Brendon:(must get to Prof.Birch's lab.)On the way to the lab Brendon hears some one srceaming.Prof.Birch:AHHHHHHHHH HELPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!Brendon:I've better go see whats happening.*Brendon sees Prof.Birch getting chased by a Poocheyena* Prof.Birch:QUICK BRENDON GET A POKE BALL OUT OF MY BAG!!! Brendon:Ok.GO WHO EVER YOU ARE!! *Treecko pops out of poke ball* Brendon:um Prof. what attaks does Treecko do? Prof.Birch:Pound and Leer. Brendon: Treecko use pound. *Poocheyena runs away* Prof.: Thank you for saving me. Brendon: your welcome. Prof.: tell you what i'll give you the pokemon you used to save me.Brendon: thanks I better be going now. Goodbye Prof.Birch. Off to Oldale town I go.

CHAPTER 2 Brendon: there is nothing to do in this town. * A girl sees Brendon* Girl: Hi my names May. I'm Prof.Birch's daughter.Brendon:H hi my name is um uhh Brendon.May:Nice to meet you.Brendon: I I I better get going to the next place. I gotta g go b b bye.* starts running* (WOW she was Awesome.) * Brendon forgets where he's going and hits a tree*SMAKE!!!!Brendon: OWWW!!!!!!!!! That hurt! well at least i'm at the next town.I'm gonna go visit my dad.*goes inside GYM*Brendon:Hi dad.Norman:Hi Brendon. I like'd you to meet Wally.Brendon is it Ok if you help him catch a pokeman.Brendon:ok. 5 MINUTES LATER... Thank you for helping me catch a pokemon. Brendon: no problem.

So far how does every body like it??

Breezy
May 7th, 2005, 10:40 PM
*eye twitch* It's BRENDAN! ><

I mean, even you guys even spelt Brendan wrong in that advice thread or whatever it's called (I forgot ^^; Good thread though heh) when you used "Hoenn League: A BRENDAN and May Adventure" for an example. I'm Breezeh now btw lol.

I can't even read this. Rule of thumbs:

- Press enter twice between different dialouge and new paragraphs.
- Press the spacebar one for commas
- Press the spacebar twice for periods/question marks/exclamation points.

Those are the basics for punctuation. It's also improper script format. Another thing is the fact that you rush everything in the amount of two chapters. We went from "Brendon" getting a Pokmon to having him help Wally catch a Pokmon.

"Brendon's" feeling towards May were incredibly rushed as well. People don't like rushed feelings since it's pretty unrealistic.

Read that one thread called "Basic Pokmon Writing: FAQ" at the top of the forum. It'll help oodles. ^.^

*another eye twitch at Brendon.* :P

LaTeR dAyZ!

Brendon
May 7th, 2005, 10:48 PM
Forget it okay, okay I messed

Brendon
May 7th, 2005, 10:58 PM
Sory about posting two times in a row buT I had two tell Breezy something.Ok Breezy 1)it's called fan FICTION people get to MAKE STORIES UP!!!
2) I Don't care what you think
3)the only thing I think your right about was the punctuation.

Brendon
May 7th, 2005, 11:21 PM
Ok back to the story. Brendon:Dad I better get going.Norman:yes you must. sooner or later we will have to battle.Brendon: Ok dad.Bye dad,bye Wally. Wally: Bye.

CHAPTER 3
Brendon:Ok treecko the Gym is in Rustburo town lets get going. Treeko: tree treecko! Richboy nelson: hey you! you with the treecko.Brendon:what? Richboy nelson: would you like to battle? Brendon: Ok.Rich boy nelson:GO Zigzagoon. Brendon:Go Treecko. Rich boy:zigzagoon use tackle attack. Brendon: doge and use pound. Rich boy: use tail whip now! Brendon treecko use Leer.Rich boy: no no no!!!!! Brendon: finish it off with pound. Rich boy:NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!Brendon: yesss! we win!! Rich boy:Darn I lost!

Yami_Zidane
May 8th, 2005, 02:39 AM
O_O my eyes they bleed!
ok when a character talks use speach marks (" those things) instead of having it a play format (Brendan: hi dad)

next SPACE IT OUT!! i for one hate it when the text is bunched together.

also it is going way too quick, slow it down, absorb the surroundings. You have not even described anything so how is the reader supposed visualise the story?

to be honest i can't even see a storyline, take time with it, make the chapters longer and more descriptive THEN post it

~Yami Zidane

Breezy
May 8th, 2005, 08:23 AM
Breezy also has made a story EXACTLY LIKE THIS so she knows what she's talking about. :P Trust me kid, I go to this one forum that would slaughter you if you posted this fic there. If you think I'm mean, go there lol.

oni flygon
May 8th, 2005, 10:12 AM
Did you mention slaughter?

...enter fanfic moderator #1


Well now. Kid, you see, even though it's a fanfic, you still have to try it your best to make it look cool and stuff. Add descriptions, make character, and stuff. You have to know how to write to make a good fanfiction. True that it's a fanfiction but fiction also is a prose that is properly written, can be easily read, enjoyable, etc. Your story is just too short and all. You have no descriptions and your characters ... don't have character at all. Also, please do not talk back when you are being criticized for your own good. Do not double post unless you pst a new chapter.

Brendon
May 8th, 2005, 08:18 PM
Ok sorry(message too too short)