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Logmon1
May 8th, 2005, 06:15 AM
Mewtwo lands in the dark room. Where are you?! he shouts. Suddenly he is picked up a thrown about. He goes crashing through the wall and land in the sea below Logan wake up! Yells Sam shaking Logan awake. What happened? asks Logan yawning You fell asleep again. Answers Sam. They where sitting in the control room of the ship well Daphne and Mike clean the deck. They where about 200 miles away from any land now. And 300 miles away from the pokemon tower. They had a long journey ahead of them. But they where ready for it. Team Rocket had made a new pokemon that was stronger then any other. But when it broke free it flew off and made a tower to battle anyone who dared to chaling it. Many strong pokemon had tried a failed. But Logan and his friends where sure they had what it takes. But one thing kept bothering Logan. Why would Team Rocket make something they knew they couldnt control? Of cores most people had blown it off as stupidity Logan wasnt sure.

White_Winter_Wolf
May 8th, 2005, 08:45 AM
It's good. i think it will definitly be a good story. Please keep writing.

oni flygon
May 8th, 2005, 10:17 AM
Please use paragraph form. Add more description and at least give some detail. Justify the plot by at least describing the characters, add some history into it, etc. Make it a bit realistic. I'm sure no one would walk 100 miles to someplace else because that would take time. And I'm sure the villains then would start attacking the heroes, and stuff. Just keep trying and improving.

Also, please read the stickied topics.

Logmon1
May 8th, 2005, 10:30 AM
Um I say 2oo miles away from any LAND. And two people are are cleaning the DECK. That should tell you there on a ship of some kind.

oni flygon
May 8th, 2005, 10:36 AM
Well, that signifies that you lacked detail in your writing. ;) I skimmed through it and I missed that part, of course. You should've added more detail.

Breezy
May 8th, 2005, 10:42 AM
For all we know, they could be standing on water and cleaning a DECK of cards silly. :P Authors have weird imaginations; if you don't tell us what to think, we'll get all creative on your butt. ^_^

There's a wonderful thing called paragraphs. Heard of them? They start when new subjects begins or when another character speaks during dialouge.

But this, but that. Dude, you could of combined those to make 'em less choppy sounding like:

They had a long journey ahead of them but they where ready for it. Team Rocket had made a new pokemon that was stronger then any other, but when it broke free it, flew off and made a tower to battle anyone who dared to challenged it. Many strong pokemon had tried a failed, but Logan and his friends where sure they had what it takes. One thing kept bothering Logan though.

Too many but conjunctions. "Though" makes a fine replacement for "but" in some cases.

Fwee. *points up at stickys*

LaTeR dAyZ!