PDA

View Full Version : Truth Behind the Noble Mask


Sima Yi's Apprentice
May 12th, 2005, 03:21 PM
This story does not have Pokemon in it right now, but will as of the next chapter. This is my first shot at writing like this, so please don't kill me for it. With that said, here you go:
______________________________________________________________
Truth Behind the Noble Mask

Introduction:

So many people in this world have a different view of war. Most of these people seem to have the same image of it though, as I have noticed. They all see it as honorable, respectable, and something to be proud of. Only the view of victory and pride gets through to them, none see the true side of war. The point they take is when they see the people march off, with a confident look in their face and a stride full of pride. They all shun and ignore the counts of death and tragedy that flow through like a river.

To those who have actually seen and experienced war, they know all of this to be false and full of lies. The truth behind war is that it is vicious, sneaky, and a horrible experience which will change you forever. People go in confident and strong. But, they come out broken, feeble, and weak. The damage that is etched into their minds is unimaginable to all but those who have been through the same exact thing. Those people, men and women, usually go in young and innocent, strong both physically and mentally. But, once done with the war, they come out damaged physically and completely broken mentally. If given the chance, most of those people would likely never sign up to go to battle in the first place.

For, the damage, experience, and sights that befall you can never be reversed or forgotten, no matter how you try. Most people that go to war either befall one of many fates. The most common one is that they just plain out die. Wether it be quick and painless, or laying in the same spot for hours or days, waiting to befall your imminent fate of death, in great and unbearable pain. Another possiblity is that they will just go insane, and could kill themselves.

The other ways of fate, are for those lucky enough to actually survive war. Most who do, go through some kind of insanity and live out their lives, with the only thoughts going through their head. The thoughts and memories of the horrifying and gruesome scenes that unfolded before their very own eyes. Not often, but may happen, is that people actually live normal lives after a war. Yet, that never happens anymore, not how war has changed.

Back in the older times, war used to be about honor and respect. The armies would line up in clear sight, and fight until one lost. Those days do not exist anymore. At this day and age, war has taken a change for the worst. Honor has taken to a plummeting skydive, deceit and underhanded tricks have prevailed. No longer do we stay in sight of the others, we sneak how we can and kill them from afar. This way of life is pitiful and unbelieveable, but that is how it must be.

To show you proof of these events, I'll take you into a look of my life. This will show you how war can change you forever, and will shape you different than ever forseen. My name is Ixion Shadonen, and this is how war truly is....
______________________________________________________________

What do you think? Should I continue?

Sima Yi's Apprentice
May 17th, 2005, 07:34 PM
OOC: Okay, I gave people enough time to reply. I waited almost six days, and haven't gotten any replies. There could be two reasons. One, people don't like it. Two, people just havent' noticed it because it got knocked back to page 2 quickly. I'm going to be hopeful and suppose it is the second one. So, here is the first real chapter of my story.

Also, one thing to note. This is taking place in all three regions of the Pokemon World. But, the towns are further apart and are much larger.

If you haven't noticed, most of this story is told from a narrative view, as if my character is writing the story.
______________________________________________________________
Truth Behind The Noble Mask

Chapter 1: A Future Legend

The day was pretty much normal. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, the tree branches slowly swaying in the breeze, and people busily socializing all over. Little did I know, this would be a day in which my life would take another sharp turn, for another unexpected and drastic change.

At this point, I was living in the town of Olivine City. After what happened from where I lived, I knew that there was no place left for me there. So, I had packed the few belongings that were locatable, and set out for the country of Jhoto. Once I reached this country, I meticulously searched for the right place to live. Since I was partical to training Steel-type Pokemon, Olivine City seemed to be the perfect place. This is where my skills would be used to the fullest, and for the right reason, at least that's what I thought.

To my surprise, they were not used at all. Due to my age, no one took me seriously, and discarded me as not worth their time. So, I spent my time training both my Pokemon and myself, also teaching myself. Since I disliked anyone who was from outside my village, and with good reason, I never chose to go to a public school. Instead, I found books and took to teaching myself. If no one wished to use my skills, then I would build them up enough and use them for my own specific benifit.

So, from day to day, it was pretty much uneventful. Nothing out of the ordinary had occured since that day when I was five years old. But, on this day, my life indeed took another turn, for what seemed to be the best. Not until it was too late, would I discover this choice would ruin me.

While in the process of another day of training, I heard a knock on the back gate of my practice area. So, I walked over and unlatched the strong lock on the gate, opened it, and said, "What do you want?"

This person informed me, "You are Ixion, correct?" I nodded and he continued, "Good then. I need you to come for me. The leader of our army has recognized your skills and wishes to ask you to join. First, we'll need you to come in to record information. Once that is done, you will recieve your position."

About a year after I came to this country, the towns of Jhoto and the other countries began to fight. It seemed that they all wanted claim to the land of which the other countries had ownership of. So, scouts would go around their respective cities searching for any hopeful skill. They would pretty much accept anyone who knew how to fight or train Pokemon. Again, it seemed that the human instinct of self-destruction was surfacing once again.

I replied to the man, "Very well then, I will come with you. Lead me to your center now." He nodded and then started to lead me through the city.

In most cities, the war centers were in hidden places, like a mountainside, underground, or disguised as another building. We put ours in the obvious, since no one would bother to check in an obvious spot. Basically, we merged our Pokemon Gym and War Center together. So, whenever outsiders entered the city, they would just take it as another part of the Gym.

So, we entered the Gym, and walked to the back. The man who was by me took out a silver key, sticking it into the lock and opening the door. Inside, was someone who I easily recognized was at the head seat of the room. So, I said, "Well, it's been a long time Jasmine."

She had been a friend of mine for many years. I had met her when I first entered this town and had given me help on where to stay, and how to get anything I needed. So, since she was both the Gym Leader, and head of our War Center, she knew this was what I was waiting for, and decided to invite me.

Next, she turned around and said, "Yes, it has. So, will you take the offer?"
I replied, "Wait, isn't there some kind of information I need to fill out?" She confirmed, "Don't worry about it, I know what I need to know about you."
Then, she handed me an odd bage and continued, "Take this and keep it with you at all times. When you are needed, this will tell you so."

With that, I thanked her and walked out of the door. Once outisde, I took out the badge and took a closer look at it. The badge closely resembled that of a flat, golden pokeball with two silver rods made out of steel, forming an X shape over it. That was the seal of our forces, so we could identify those who were on our side.

Once I got home, I placed the badge on a shelf and sat down in a chair. Now, I had some things to think about. I had been so excited that I was finally given my chance to make a name for myself. This life of being in the forces seemed so great. The honor, glory, and gratification that came with it. The prideful feeling of victory, that is all what I wanted.

Little did I know that my life would soon take a downward spiral to hit rock bottom. And, I wouldn't know until it was too late to back out....
______________________________________________________________

OOC: I hope someone replies this time. How is this chapter? Again, should I keep going with this?

Shuko
May 18th, 2005, 07:24 AM
Well, I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I really don't like reading stories about war - they depress me. :P That's a selfish vice on my part though, so it's not a slam on your story. I will say that you have a good premise for a story worked out here, and that you could really do a lot with it. If done right, I can see it becoming a very successful story.

But I also have a few comments/questions. These you can take or leave as you like, since they're mostly my opinions anyway. First off, the nitpickies: I noticed that you tend to have some grammatical errors mixed in here and there. Although they aren't glaring, they do detract from the potency of your story, so as with most things in life, improvement in this area would really reflect highly in your resulting piece. Another little nitpicky thing is that you use a lot of redundancies. Things like "false and full of lies" and "feeble, and weak" use two words to give the same image twice. Although the initial thought on this would be that it makes the idea twice as strong, in reality, it just weakens the strength of the words themselves. It would be better to find another way of expressing these images, such that you only had to make one statement. But that's also just my opinion. You can take it or leave it.

Now then. On to the meat of the matter. First off, in your prologue, (as I'm going to call it. It's the first block you posted) you basically gave the reader a dissertation on how you view war as a wasted effort of people and psyches. Whether this may be necessary to set the mood for the story or not, it really wasn't all that interesting. You have to be very careful when writing the first bit to a story, that is, if you want your readers to be entertained by it. The first bit is crucial, because that's where you snag the readers' attention and make them want to continue reading. A page's worth of anti-war theory isn't really going to do that, at least, not to the kind of readers you can expect to visit PC. No matter how good it is, you have to look at what your target audience will like if you want to get reviews. Personally, I found myself losing interest after about the third paragraph. because I got the impression that I was reading the same thing over and over again. That isn't meant to be mean; it just might be because war stories don't interest me. I just thought I'd better offer you my own personal opinion if I was going to review.

The second part, or as I think you put it, the true first part of your story was much better. You had much better character development in there, which made a world of a difference. I actually did get drawn into it after the first couple paragraphs, so good job on that. The only other thing I can think of to say about it is that it left me with a bit of confusion. First of all, am I right in thinking that this is a child of little more than five who's being recruited into this army? If so, that really leaves me questioning the sanity of the war officials, but that could be a good thing for you. To make your readers think like that is a good sign. It means they're paying attention, and that they're involving themselves in the events. But in any event, there really isn't all that much else I have to say. As I've already said a few times, you don't really have to take any of what I've said to heart. It's just my own observations. Good luck with your story! I hope to see more of this character's development, and of course, see what kind of personalities his pokemon have as well!

Sima Yi's Apprentice
June 24th, 2005, 01:35 PM
OOS: Sorry for the long wait. I kind of forgot about this, but now I'm back to it. As a note, this is basically written as if he was writing the story himself. Do you guys like that style? Well, here's the next chapter.
______________________________________________
Truth Behind The Noble Mask

Chapter 2: The Calm Before The Storm

The next day was adorned with a beautiful setting. The sunrise was something you had to see to believe. It was literally a majestic wave of indigo, tangerine, crimson, and a goldenrod yellow. This was one of the things that I adored about living here. This sight, this beautiful sight, was something that I never got tired of.

Today, I was supposed to meet Jasmine and a few others to discuss our plans for the upcoming battle. She had requested that I attend the meeting due to my knowledge of strategy. I mean, when you had lived alone for almost your entire life, there really wasn't anything else to do except read and train. So, it seemed that my studies would finally come to some use.

As I walked down the streets to Olivine Gym, I took my time to notice the scenery. It had always shocked me how these people could live so normally, while the others that they may even know are out on a field, aiding in something which will likely get them killed. Yet, I admired their ignorance and nativity. There was something about that pure innocence and unaffected existance which seemed so appealing. There were crowds of excited people, some short, some tall, all waiting to get to wherever they needed to be. Cars speeded down the streets, Pokemon soared through the air above, and the stores all had their doors open, ready for the day's business. In this town, everyone woke up early, for many reasons. Some wanted to work early and enjoy the day, others to take time in their busy days. Yet, others woke up in a sheer and paranoid fear. A fear that they could be attacked at any time, so they wish to be fully aware at all times.

Before I realized it, I had reached the door of the gym and absent-mindedly walked straight into it. This knocked me back to my senses and I said, "Wow, I really need to stop that."

Then, I opened the door, stepping away to avoid getting hit again, and entered the gym. In the wide-open room, the trainers could be seen raising their Pokemon, for the time in which a challenger would come for a badge. Some of these people were helpers for Jasmine, some where apprentices, and others were challenging trainers, waiting for their chance to fight for a Mineral Badge.

Once I reached the back of the gym, I noticed the door was left absently open, so I just strided into the room. When I entered the room, I saw the eliptical desk surrounded by various people involved with our forces. So, I took the last remaining seat, and waited for the meeting to commence.

After about 10 minutes, Jasmine stood up, pulled down a white screen, and had a button in her hand. Then, she spoke and used the button to show statistics to help explain easier. She said, "As you all know, the forces of Vermillion have decided to move on us. From what our info tells us, they will be advancing from the route to the north of Olivine. The problem we face is purely numbers. We have roughly 25,000 trainers and 10,000 fighters. While, they have more than triple those amounts, standing at 80,000 trainers and 40,000 fighters. What we need is a strategy to defeat these expansive forces without sustaining heavy losses on our side."

Before she countinued any further, I decided to interject and see if I had the answer to our grave problem. I said, "If you do not mind, I believe I have a solution to your problem." She nodded her approval and I continued on. "Now, while they have an advantage in numbers, we have the upper hand in everything else. Instead of advancing on them, I say we go a short distance out of the city, far enough to have at least part of an open plain. Basically, we should march out about mile away from the Propelain Plains. Now, this is where it will get confusing and dangerous. My proposition is that we use the Cyclone Formation to assimilate their forces."

Someone interrupted and said, "Wait, isn't that an experimental procedure of yours? Against an enemy like this, wouldn't it be better to use something better understood and proven to work?"

I replied, "Normally yes, but now, no. Anything of a normal status would be to inefficient to work against a number deficeit this big. Now, I will explain this formation in detail. First off, we will need someone quick, and who has access to some kind of Pokemon which can create a signal. I'll do it since my Scizor has access to a Signal Beam attack. My task will be crucial for this to work. We will let the Vermillion forces advance halfway through the plain, and then I will somehow make my way to the center of their formation. While I am working my way there, I will need a group to act as a diversion, so not as many of them notice me. Once there, I will have my Scizor let out the Signal Beam, which is your que to start the formation. We will align the troops in a line of 12 across, and just have it wind back until all troops are in line. Then, advance on their army, and just loop around. Slowly, as one side is weakened, the band of our troops will slowly dig into the enemy, creating a shape that resembles a cyclone. This formation will create an even balance of attack, prevent their escape, and likely send them into complete and utter disarray."

After those words, I took my designated seat once more and Jasmine spoke. "This seems sensible, so we will go with your plan. We are all in agreement, correct?"

The moment after she said that, one of the older generals rose and said, "There's no way that will work! It's too thin and if we misunderstand our enemy, we'll be destroyed. I say we go with a normal step of hiding out and just waiting for them to come into open range. Then, they'll be helpless and we can mow them down."

Everyone seemed to agree with him and then I said, "Well, if all of you have so much doubt in my plan, then why don't we test it out? If I'm not mistaken, we do have an electronic simulator, don't we? So, we'll just set in the amounts for each side, punch in the formation, and see how it turns out."

This seemed to appeal to them, so that's what happened. The entire top of the table opened up and from it rose a large cylinder-shaped machine, which was transparent. This was our simulator, which we'd use to determine our course of action. The images would appear in a three-dimensional shape and be sped up in time, as to not delay our actions.

Once it was fully charged and ready to go, I said, "Well, go for it General Admantin, let's see how your plan goes."

He walked past me, with a smug look on his face. I just knew though that that look would fade in about 5 minutes once the simulation was done. So, once he was at the control panel, he entered the numbers for each side, put in the formation, and started up the machine. As it started, his plan seemed to actually work. The numbers of the enemy were steadily dropping, until they were only a little above our own.

Then, he turned to me and said, "Well, what do you think now? Looks like you were wrong boy."
I replied, "I wouldn't be so sure Sir. Take another look."

He turned around to see a sight he did not want. Our numbers had hit rock bottom, he had failed in front of everyone. Then, I stood up and said, "Well, your plan works, until the enemy is alert enough to notice you."

Now, it was my turn. Hopefully this would work, then I might get recognition from these people. Once my plan was in, the simulator started to plan it out. Our numbers slowly dropped, and the others started to talk amongst themselves and mutter words of disagreement. That same general said, "See, your plan has failed. So, now you can shut up and sit down. I don't even see why you're here."

Then, I said, "I'm here because I'm the only one that seems coherent enough to save your asses. If you care to notice, the numbers are indeed dropping, but not on our side."

What I said was true. The numbers of our enemies were taking to a downward spiral, while ours only dropped a few. Soon enough, the enemy was non-existant and we had only suffered minimal losses. Then, I said, "Okay, so now will you all stop with this?"

Once I said that, Jasmine said, "You have seen it yourselves now. While he may be younger than all of you, face it, you've been beat. So, deal with it, listen to the plan, or leave this room now."

Everyone spoke their mumbles and signs of agreement. Then, she spoke one last thing, "Remember, everyone is to be at the city limits by 4:00AM tomorrow morning. For now, you are all dismissed."

Then, everyone walked out of the compact room, to complete whatever last tasks that needed to be accomplished before our fateful day. So, I walked over to Jasmine, and said, "Well, it seems that everything is now in order. Tomorrow will be an unbelievable day for us all. This meeting seems like a foreshadow of what to come. Think of this as the calm before the storm....."_

OOS: What do you think of this chapter? What could I improve on? Hope you guys like it so far.