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Strawberry Delcatty
May 15th, 2005, 10:37 PM
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A FEW NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR
-I've been planning to make side stories of the main characters from Hoenn Mirror World and its sequel. However, I've never gotten the chance until now. I intended these side stories to stand alone yet explain the main characters a little bit more. I was going to wait until I finished revising HMW and the sequel, but I had a lot of ideas for this fic for a while.

-I will warn you right now: the main characters in the story (see the banner) have theme teams and puns relating to their respective shows/anime/game in this fic. For your convience, I'll make a note of them at the end of the chapters.

-I've neglected to explain anything that was in either HMWI or HMWII when I first wrote chapter 1 (the list is now added, though). To prevent anyone who hasn't read HMW from being confused, there will be a small list of HMW references at the beginning of the chapter.

-Feel free to review. I want this story to be the best it could possibly be.

Everything copyrighted to their respective and rightful owners.

Strawberry Delcatty
May 15th, 2005, 10:39 PM
PROLOGUE
Everything was perfect for me until SHE came.

After one battle, I was already sick of the bird. I just wanted to clip her wings and beat her up so bad that even her mommy wont be able to help her. Since then, I was only focused on shooting down that bird

And I think I might get my chance after Ive found the perfect revenge tool

Strawberry Delcatty
May 27th, 2005, 02:32 PM
HMW REFERENCES
Places: Fortree Castle [Fortree City/Carrot Castle (5th Kirby and the Amazing Mirror level)], Pacifidlog Rainforest (jungle version of Pacifidlog Town), Lilycove Island [Lilycove City/Ice Cream Island (2nd Kirby Adventure level)]
Objects: Carrot Feather [Carrot Castle/Feather Badge] - Winona's symbol
Characters: Lyoko (Winona's daughter), Mirror Lights (the team Lyoko's on along with Mariah, Connie, Cascadia, and Minamo), Mirror Elders (Mirror Hoenn counterparts of Gym Leaders), Mirror Masters (Mirror Hoenn counterparts of the Elite Four), Hedga (one of the Black Mirror Witches from HMW2)
Facts: Pokemon can talk in Mirror Hoenn, and hover limos (built for crossing seas, sands, etc) are popular among the wealthy.
Other: Tornado Twirl (an attack where Lyoko spins at a high speed)

CHAPTER 1: The Soon-to-Be Birthday Girl
Is this where were spending the weekend, mommy?

The curious seven-year-old girl looked at her surroundings. She didnt imagine a beach resort to be at the end of the jungle maze known as Pacifidlog Rainforest.

As they headed toward the large, white hotel, the little girl glanced to see the ocean that sparkled under the bright sun. She began to think about all the fun things she could do as soon as her mother got done with whatever business she had. The girl looked forward to playing in the beautiful ocean or in the warm sand.

Winona!

Upon hearing her name, the girls pilot-attired mother saw a middle-aged woman waiting for her at the hotel entrance. She quickly took her daughters hand and hurried towards the other woman.

Sorry Im late Florinda, Winona said, slightly out of breath.

No worries. Florinda smiled as she turned her attention to Winonas daughter. Hello, there. You must be Lyoko, right? The seven-year-old nodded.

Florinda bent down and stroked Lyokos blond hair. Youre the splitting image of your mother. You even have her hairstyle.

Lyoko giggled at the comment.

Winona and Florinda appeared to be old friends, and Florinda has invited her and Lyoko to spend lunch with her in her suite as well as to talk about special plans.

***

So, Florinda, what was the special occasion that you told me about in your letter? Winona asked.

Well, tomorrow is my nieces birthday, Florinda replied, Her parents and I have been arranging this party for a long time. I think she will be very happy, especially since all the other surprise parties were complete failures. I want to show you what we have in store and see if there are any changes to be made.

Winona laughed as she fidgeted with the soupspoon and tried to avoid eye contact with Florinda. She pretended to cough, drank some of her water, and faced her friend again. Your parties are a little too She started to blush. out of the ordinary for me.

Winona, dont be silly, Florinda said, trying to assure her friend, This will be the best thing Ive ever done for her. In case youve forgotten, I was in charge of planning every party for any occasion when we were younger.

The lilac-haired woman drank a bit more of her water and then began to eat her soup. Florinda shook her head as she took a roll from the basket in front of her.

Lyoko began to wonder why her mother appeared so tense, but she decided to not to ask anything and continued eating her salad.

***

Did you make the ribbons?

Yes.

Are they the right sizes?

Yes.

Are they the right colors?

Heather, the ribbons are just they way that you want them.

The girl folded her arms and frowned. Last year, youve mixed up Irmas ribbon with Hay Lins. Plus, you made Cornelias too big, and Taranees had a slit in it.

The woman in the limousines front seat turned to face her daughter and shrugged. Well, Im sorry. Some of the ribbons ended up being almost the same color, and I thought that Cornelia would have evolved by now. She paused for a moment, looked ahead of her, and turned back to her daughter. I will admit that I rushed through Taranees... that is, until I forgot which one of your Pokemon she was.

Heather softly slapped her forehead, shook her head, and glared at her mother. For the eleventh time, Taranees my Breloom, Mom.

Oh, right, the mother said with an embarrassed laugh.

Seriously, Mom. You said that youre an expert at sewing, Heather complained, yet you always mess up my Pokemons ribbons! How hard can it be to make ribbons with my Pokemons names on them?!

If it makes you feel any better, said Heathers mother as she dug through her purse, I managed to work on Wills ribbon ahead of time. She took out a long, fuchsia ribbon with the name Will on it in fancy white lettering and gave it to Heather.

Heather sighed as she went through her pocket. She got out a small red and white sphere with a heart-shaped sticker on it. Im gonna try it on her to make sure you didnt mess it up, though.

Heathers mother sighed at her daughters comment.

The nine-year-old girl pressed the button on the sphere, and it increased in size and opened. A bright light poured out of it and formed into a small green Pokemon with red flowers on her head and a skirt made of petals.

Heathers Pokemon sighed upon seeing the ribbon. The ribbon thing again?

Heather put on Wills ribbon on the right flower on her Bellossoms head. She looked at her and became disgusted. Mom! she yelled as she faced her mother, you made one of the ends uneven!

The mother leaned back in her seat and mumbled something under her breath.

Will looked at her reflection in the window. Uh Heather? Theres nothing wrong with the ribbon. It looks fine.

Heather hastily untied the ribbon and handed it back to her mother. I hate it! I hope that the other ribbons arent as bad as you made Wills!

The mother sighed as she put the ribbon back in her purse.

Miss Lechuga, the driver next to the mother said, it will take us another two or so hours to arrive at Pacifidlog Rainforest.

Good, Lechuga said in relief, aside from the sound of the hover engines, Heather is getting on my nerves.

Heather turned to her mother ahead of her and then back to Will before lying on the seat.

This had better be worth it, she mumbled angrily.

***

Lyoko quickly shielded her arms from the splashes of water that headed toward her. A black-haired boy snuck up from behind and suddenly threw some more cold water on her back. The seven-year-old girl shivered at the ambush but retaliated by spinning around at a high speed and managed to drench the boy. Lyoko stopped spinning and realized that the other child wasnt there until she felt a playful shove on her back, causing her to fall into the water. Lyoko got up, caught her breath, and noticed a pink-haired girl about her age behind her.

Not fair! Lyoko said with a giggle. She jumped toward the girl and knocked her back a little while falling in the water again in the process.

Ill get you for that! the girl said as Lyoko got up from the water again.

The boy with the brown swimming trunks turned behind to see a blue Pokemon with yellow eyes and long antennae sleeping at the drier upper area of the beach. He shook himself dry after he got out of the water. Lyoko and the girl in the yellow bathing suit noticed this and stopped their playing.

Hey, where youre going, Mark? the girl asked.

Im just going to check on Chinchou, sis, the boy with replied before he left.

Marks sister moaned. We were gonna have another splash fight, too

Mark arrived at the area of the sleeping Chinchou and got a small blue bag next to him. He reached around inside when he spotted a black limousine hovering over the ocean and then the sand.

What is that? he wondered.

The limousine stopped in front of the hotel and slowly landed on the ground. The driver got out of the car and headed over to the passenger side. A cinnamon-haired woman in a lavender shirt and matching shorts stepped out after the door was opened. As the woman put on a sun visor, the driver let out a little yellow-haired girl in a bright green dress. A Bellossom quickly got out of the car before the door was closed.

Ill take the car to the parking lot while you make the reservations, Miss Lechuga, the driver told the woman. With that, he headed back to the limousine.

Lyoko and the pink-haired girl met up with Mark just in time to see the limousine rise into the air and pull off.

Who was that? Lyoko asked. Mark shrugged.

Lyoko turned her attention to the girl with the Bellossom. Wondering if she was Florindas niece, she hurried to her, unaware of the surprised expressions on her playmates faces.

The girl in the light green dress and her mother were about to enter the hotel when they heard footsteps approaching. The two turned and saw Lyoko trying to catch her breath.

Sorry for getting in your way, Lyoko apologized as she turned to the girl, but Im wondering if youre the niece that Miss Florinda is throwing a party for.

The one and only Heather Candracar, was the girls response.

Lyoko held out her hand to the nine-year-old girl. My names Lyoko. Nice to meet you!

Heather folded her arms and walked off when she felt a tug on her dress collar.

I believe that this girl would like a handshake from you, young lady, Lechuga told her daughter sternly, I dont like it when you act like this in public. Being nice to someone wouldnt kill you.

The lemon-haired girl took Lyokos hand and gave her an unenthusiastic handshake. Whatever. Nice to meet you and stuff.

Despite Heathers lack of cooperation, Lyoko remained cheerful. Wanna play at the beach with me and my friends?

No, thanks, Heather said, Id wanna check out the suite my aunt got me, and then Ill head to the pool. At least that doesnt have me smelling like salt for a while.

Ahem.

Heather looked up at her mother and noticed the cold glare in her blue eyes. Feeling that she had no choice, she moaned and faced Lyoko.

If you want, you and your friends can come with me. Just make sure you wash that saltwater off of you.

Heather and her mother went inside the hotel, and Lyoko headed to her friends to tell them the good news.

***

Heather took off her heart-shaped sunglasses just in time to see a duck-like Pokemon with a lily pad on her head splashing some water on Will. The Bellossom shook herself dry and retaliated by shooting seed-like pellets from her flowers, causing the Pokemon fell over into the hotel pool.

Those two are so easily amused. Heather put her glasses back on. When I get my Contest Pass tomorrow, thats when the real work begins. She reached into her bag that was next to her lounge chair and got out a picture of a girl holding a red prize ribbon. Next to her was a yellow, spiky Pokemon.

Ill do anything to be like my favorite Pokemon Coordinator, Heather said with a huge smile, her Pokemon are the definition of contest material! Coolness, Beauty, Toughness, Cuteness, and Smartness

[daydream]

Heather and Will were on a stage where millions of people are cheering and chanting her name. The nine-year old girl held out a ribbon similar to the one in the photograph high for everyone to see.

Thank you so very much! Im glad to have fans like you! Im going to be the best Coordinator in the Hoenn Mirror World!

Heather put the ribbon away and began to walk off the stage.

Hey, you.

She and her Bellossom stopped and turned around to see the girl and the Pokemon in the photograph.

N no way Heather said.

The girl and her Pokemon jumped off the balcony. Her strawberry blond hair and the short skirt of her blue dress trailed behind her as she fell. She landed on her feet with the greatest of ease, as did her Pokemon. The two approached Heather and Will, who both appear excited and nervous.

H Hedga?

The strawberry blond-haired girl nodded and placed a hand on her shoulder. You put on one heck of a show there.

Heather didnt take her eyes off of Hedga for a second.

You keep up the good work. Who knows? Hedga continued, you may end up as good as me. She noticed the expression on Heathers face. Hello? Heather?

Heather gasped. H-how? How did you know my name?

Hedga looked at her as if she was losing her mind. Uh we met at the hotel, remember?

Heather became confused at this. She began to ask what was happening until everything faded into the hotel pool area.

What?!

[end daydream]

Heather! Hello! Earth to Heather! Lyokos voice called.

Heather shook her head and noticed that Lyoko was standing in front of her.

Huh? a confused Heather said as she looked around, whered she go?

The pink-haired girl cocked her head a little to the side. Who?

Heather sighed. Never mind. She noticed that she was still holding the picture of Hedga and put it away. She sat back down in the lounge chair, and Lyoko sat next to her.

So, Heather uh Lyoko began. She glanced down on the tiled ground and at the two children playing in the pool with Heathers Pokemon. She mumbled a few things to herself and fidgeted with the small ribbons on her green bathing suit. Finally, she looked up at Heather again. Where are you from?

Lilycove Island, Heather responded. She took a brief moment to straighten the orange ribbon on her lavender bathing suit. How about you?

Fortree Castle.

Fortree Castle? How can anyone besides Winona live there? I mean, Ive been hearing that you cant breathe much there Heather glanced at Lyoko before she got a magazine from her bag and started reading. But then again, how can anyone at all live in a castle in the sky?

Its easy. When a Mirror Elder passes away and youre chosen to take over, all you have to do is just move in and follow up to your responsibilities or at least, thats what Mommy said when she told me how she became the Fortree Castle Mirror Elder

Heather, having an expression where she was almost struck by lightning, quickly turned to Lyoko. Are you telling me that Winonas your mom?!

Y yeah Lyoko said, feeling that she had said something wrong.

Heather jumped at Lyoko. THE Winona?! The Sky Tamer Winona?! The Keeper-of-the-Carrot-Feather Winona?!

Lyoko nervously nodded, and Heather stared at her blankly for a while. Then, unwilling to believe it, she shook it off and attempted to change the subject. Have you seen rhythmic gymnastics?

Lyoko shook her head.

Aww its such a shame, Heather said, feeling superior over Lyoko, especially since you never saw me in action. Im currently at the top of this new rhythmic gymnastics class at my school. Heather noticed Lyoko was about to speak, but she cut her off. You dont have to say anything. Roxanne wouldve told you that Im the best in my class. Probably the whole universe. Roxanne occasionally visits our class, and she cant stop talking about our graceful movements and style, but Im sure she cant stop talking about me. Then again, who can? I was just born with talent. So, tell me, Lyoko anything special you can do?

Well, uh I managed to help save the Hoenn Mirror World a few times as well as this place called the Hoenn region. Of course, I dont deserve all the credit. It actually all goes to Mariah--

Heather started to laugh at this. The Hoenn Mirror Girl? Oh, please. Im NOT falling for that.

But I am friends with Mariah, Lyoko said, feeling hurt, and I know the other Mirror Lights too. Im a Mirror Light myself, as a matter of fact.

Heather laughed. Saying that youre Winonas kid is one thing, but theres no way that Id believe that youre part of the same team that makes even the Mirror Masters look like dirt.

Lyoko looked down on the ground and sighed. Just forget it. I dont want to start an argument or anything.

Heather got up from her lounge chair. Good. No need to embarrass yourself. She folded her arms. I think itll be better if I do a quick performance instead. Ill change and meet you at the beach, Lyoko. She turned to her Pokemon playing in the pool with Lyokos friends. Will! Irma! Lets go!

The Bellossom and the duck-like Lombre stopped their playing and sorrowfully left the pool. Mark and his sister moaned.

***

Heather, now dressed in a pink and purple leotard, started her performance by waving a ribbon around in a figure eight for a short while before leaping gracefully as she waved the ribbon around in a circle. She finished by twirling around a few times with the ribbon swirling over her head.

Wow Lyoko said in awe, thats so cool!

Heather smirked. I know. My normal performances are a lot longer than this, but I didnt want to spoil too much in case you visit my school to watch the action. I mean, who doesnt want to check out my moves? Of course, I let my Pokemon join, but usually only Will. Irma and the others normally dont have the grace required for rhythmic gymnastics.

The Lombre gave Heather an annoyed look. If the grace required is being a stuck-up show off, then dont expect me to join your performances anytime soon, she said to herself.

Im really looking forward to my birthday tomorrow, Heather said, my parents said that when I turn ten, I can be in Pokemon Contests. Unfortunately, I need a Contest Pass to enter them, but Im sure Ill be getting one tomorrow. Next to rhythmic gymnastics, Pokemon Contests are the best things around. After tomorrow, youll be seeing me getting ribbons. I might even be as good as my favorite coordinator!

Upon hearing the mention of Contests, Lyoko lowered her head.

Anyway, Heather continued, Im sure that Will would be able to sweep up to the Super Rank. Irma and Taranee might do a decent job, although theyre not as good as Will. With a little training, Im sure theyll be close to the same level as Wills. Cornelia Im going to keep her out of Contests until I can find a way to make her look decent. Hay Lin well, I never really considered her much, but I think she might handle the Smart Contests at least.

Heather, Lyoko said, dont you think that your Pokemon?

Well, Im going back to my suite to watch some TV, Heather interrupted, you can cover over and hang out with me if you want. If youre lucky, I might even let you spend the night.

Heather left with Will and Irma following her. As Lyoko started to head back to the hotel as well, she felt that Heather doesnt seem to care much for her Pokemon. She suddenly got an idea and began to pick up her pacing.

***

Heather opened the door and sighed. Oh. Its you.

I asked Mommy, and she said it was okay to spend the night with you, Lyoko responded.

Hey, I said you can spend the night with me if I let you, Heather retorted as she headed back to the book on her bed, you ended up catching me while I was trying to figure out which Pokemon is suitable for the Contest types. Ive already put Hay Lin for the Smart Contests should Taranee be in the Tough Contests? I personally dont like that category, but I guess that even muscle-brained Pokemon should have their moments. Will should definitely be in Cute, and Irma-- Heather paused and noticed a worried Lyoko sitting beside her. Whats wrong with you?

Lyoko sighed. You seem not to care about your Pokemon much, especially this Cornelia from what Ive been hearing.

Heather looked at the school-uniformed seven-year-old as if she just asked a stupid question and was about to slap her in the face. However, she took a breath and got up. Ill get us some ice cream. You wait here. She got a small green purse and left the room.

Lyoko flopped on the bed. Im really starting to worry about her

However, Heather felt differently about what just happened. That stupid girl! Not caring about my Pokemon Yeah, right! I care a lot about my Pokemon! I just have higher standards since Im trying to be like Hedga! I mean, Im sure Hedga was strict on her Pokemon so that she could win! If Winona really is that girls mother, then the Mirror Elders need a good slap in the face to get their act together!

The lemon-haired girl suddenly stopped in her tracks when she felt a short but icy draft.

H-huh? Heather shivered. H-howd it get so c-c-cold?

She looked around for what caused the draft but saw nothing.

P-p-probably the air conditioner went haywire, she finally said before continuing down the hall, Im sure that itll get fixed but if not, Im leaving my complaint!

Little did the nine-year-old know that there was something watching her

END OF CHAPTER 1

NOTES
-In case you cant tell by her Pokemons nicknames, Heathers team is named after the girls from W.I.T.C.H. Heathers name is also a W.I.T.C.H. reference: Heatherfield is the real world in the series, and Candracar is the magical world of the series.

Miyu-chan
May 27th, 2005, 04:37 PM
Oooh~ I really enjoyed reading this. =3 Your writing has changed as well when I first saw it as well. =) I loved the way you portrayed Heather as a snob, it's so easy to hate her, lol. xD

More detail wouldn't hurt, you sounded a bit mechanical. xD And I would suggest changing: [Daydream] and [End Daydream] Into something like,

As Heather fantizied her Pokemon's glorious winnings, she began to fall into a reverie... Then do the line divider thingy.

---

Otherwise, it's wonderful! =) I really enjoyed reading it. n_n

Strawberry Delcatty
May 27th, 2005, 06:13 PM
Oooh~ I really enjoyed reading this. =3 Your writing has changed as well when I first saw it as well. =) I loved the way you portrayed Heather as a snob, it's so easy to hate her, lol. xD
Thanks. I'd hate to be in her mom's shoes, though. :P

More detail wouldn't hurt, you sounded a bit mechanical.
Mechanical? How?

And I would suggest changing:

[Daydream] and [End Daydream]

Into something like,

As Heather fantizied her Pokemon's glorious winnings, she began to fall into a reverie...

Then do the line divider thingy.

---
I thought it was the wrong way of doing it, but then again, daydreams are pretty much similar to flashbacks to some extent (at least in my eyes).

Otherwise, it's wonderful! =) I really enjoyed reading it. n_n
Thanks for the review.

Lily
May 28th, 2005, 06:23 AM
lol...it was certainly better than your other one.

I like how you portray Heather's arrogance...arrogancei s always cool to watch. *__* Lyoko is adorable, as always, and the mothers' worries sounded just great. I might only suggest you work on the past/present tense, and the rush of the plot.

Winona and Florinda appeared to be old friends, and Florinda has invited her and Lyoko to spend lunch with her in her suite as well as to talk about special plans.

'Had' would make better sense, no? Also, use Miyu-chan's advice...[daydream] brackets make the transition rough for me. One last thing- you tend to repititiously add 7-year-old and whatnot; there are other ways of expressing Lyoko, too, but at certainly circumstances...like your last line (cliffhanger~??) it's okay to use'em.

Nice chapter overall. Good length, some mistakes, but characterization is nice.

I'm half asleep as I'm writing this. xD

Strawberry Delcatty
May 28th, 2005, 08:26 AM
lol...it was certainly better than your other one.
Thanks. Good to know that I'm getting better.

I like how you portray Heather's arrogance...arrogancei s always cool to watch. *__* Lyoko is adorable, as always, and the mothers' worries sounded just great.
Yeah, Heather is a brat, isn't she? I was thinking about Mint from Tokyo Mew Mew (or Corina from Mew Mew Power, whichever you want) when I was making her personality, and I'm beginning to think you're a Lyoko fan. I will admit that I had a lot of fun with her. As for Winona and Lechuga, I sorta put myself in their situations.

I might only suggest you work on the past/present tense, and the rush of the plot.
I missed a tense mistake? Oh...
I pretty much felt that the ending was a bit rushed, but I wanting to avoid going over the character limit and end up putting the notes on a new post.

Also, use Miyu-chan's advice...[daydream] brackets make the transition rough for me.
Yeah, I sorta felt that that was the wrong way of doing daydreams, but I've always believed that daydreams were somewhat similar to flashbacks (or at least TV made them that way).

One last thing- you tend to repititiously add 7-year-old and whatnot; there are other ways of expressing Lyoko, too, but at certainly circumstances...like your last line (cliffhanger~??) it's okay to use'em.
I'll keep that in mind.

Nice chapter overall. Good length, some mistakes, but characterization is nice.
Thanks. I'll keep this review in mind as I work on chapter 2.

Act
May 28th, 2005, 02:25 PM
Hello.

Hn, the prlogue is short and not much more than pointless. If you feel strongly about it, you probably should have just tacked it on to the beginning of the first chapter.

Just as a heads-up, it's against the copyright law to use someone else's names like that. It's also extremely unoriginal. You can't come up with your own names?

The narration for the first few bits is very odd. It seems sparratic, and it's a bit confusing when you keep referring to everyone as 'her relative x', 'the woman', and so forth, ans even more so in that you don't specify who is speaking. You need to make sure there is some reference to the speaker immediately after the dialogue.

Heather's mother lets her get away with backtalking like this?

Why is their last name 'lettuce'? It's a great word and all, but I'm not sure how appropriate it is for a serious last name.

Why does Will talk? There isn't very much attention to detail so far. All we know is that were are in some random rainforest resort.

Mark arrived at the area of the sleeping Chinchou and got a small blue bag next to him. He reached around inside when he spotted a black limousine hovering over the ocean and then the sand.

This doesn't make much sense. Reread it, and adjust the syntax.

The limo landed on the ground, eh? So we have levitating limos in Random Rainforestland. Your ignorance of little details is seriously taking away from your prose. You need to keep in mind that just because you know somethin doesn't mean we do. If you are trying to use this as a literary device, I'm either extremely tired or it isn't working. I'm pretty sure this is a stem of your other fic, in which case you might want to make some guide for readers who don't want to be bothered with reading something entirely different before coming into this. This glossary could replace the desparate one that cites the names you used, as well as clear very much up.

Why don't you just call everyone by their names? This is obviously an omniscient 3rd-person narration, so 'Miss Lettuce got out of the car' would have been fine, and much easier to read.

You threw all of these characters at us emtremely fast; I'm not quite sure who everyone is anymore. It's very impersonal, and unintentionally flattens the characters.

Heather is the only character with some dimension, but no one is 100% bitter all of the time. What is she thinking? What is her emplanation for bein liek this? Some introspective into that would be very interesting.

Marking a daydream like that is extremely juvenile. Saying ''She slipped into a daydream...'' would have been much better.

Lilycove isn't an island in canon. Again, please school us on your canon.

Heather, having an expression where she was almost struck by lightning...

Heather was almost struck by lightening? What?

Hm, why would the characters in the mirror world refer to their world as the mirror? Naturally, they would refer to the 'real' Houenn as the 'mirror world'. It's all relative.

So we won't give Heather an actual personality. She's a stuck-up!pokemonabuser!Sue.

*gasps* Praise the Lord. Heather may not be a total loss. We get some insight into her underdeveloped mind.

You really shouldn't be taking things from other places like this... you don't have a disclaimer for it, and it simply lacks creativity.

This was very mediocre. Thankfully, your grammar was fine, but your prose was lacking and your characters were flat. It was long, slightly confusing, and nothing really happened aside from you shoving too many people at us at one time. I'd recommend a beta for you. PM me if you'd like me to do it.

I can't much compare this to your other fics, as I never read them. That said, you should really explain some things particular to the canon of your fic in an author's note before each chapter.

Put a little more time into the next chapter. I think you could become a good writer, with work.

Don't only read fics on forums, for starters. Fanfiction.net has many more better fics.

Strawberry Delcatty
May 28th, 2005, 03:04 PM
Hn, the prlogue is short and not much more than pointless. If you feel strongly about it, you probably should have just tacked it on to the beginning of the first chapter.
I never really took that into consideration, but I'll keep that in mind as I make my re-revision for Hoenn Mirror World.

Just as a heads-up, it's against the copyright law to use someone else's names like that. It's also extremely unoriginal. You can't come up with your own names?
Well, if that's the case, then I've pretty much broken it. Lyoko appears in Hoenn Mirror World 1 and 2, and her team is named after the characters from the Code: Lyoko series. Another character will have a team based on the Kirby series. I sorta see this as a fun thing to do, and Lyoko is one of my favorite characters in the HMW series. I see what you mean about this, though.

The narration for the first few bits is very odd. It seems sparratic, and it's a bit confusing when you keep referring to everyone as 'her relative x', 'the woman', and so forth, ans even more so in that you don't specify who is speaking. You need to make sure there is some reference to the speaker immediately after the dialogue.
Okay. In that case, I'll keep that in mind as well.

Heather's mother lets her get away with backtalking like this?
Not in public, at least. As a matter of fact, there will be times where Lechuga would want to punish Heather for what she does but couldn't do it.

Why is their last name 'lettuce'? It's a great word and all, but I'm not sure how appropriate it is for a serious last name.
Lechuga (spanish for lettuce) is not her last name. It's her first, and I'm trying to keep the fact that Heather's family specialize in Grass-type Pokemon.

Why does Will talk? There isn't very much attention to detail so far. All we know is that were are in some random rainforest resort.
I should've mention this to you, but in the Hoenn Mirror World, the Pokemon talk. Just wanted to point that one out. I should add this to the first post, actually.

Mark arrived at the area of the sleeping Chinchou and got a small blue bag next to him. He reached around inside when he spotted a black limousine hovering over the ocean and then the sand.
This doesn't make much sense. Reread it, and adjust the syntax.
Word usage was proven to be my weakness (and should've been a long time ago when I was writing).

The limo landed on the ground, eh? So we have levitating limos in Random Rainforestland. Your ignorance of little details is seriously taking away from your prose. You need to keep in mind that just because you know somethin doesn't mean we do. If you are trying to use this as a literary device, I'm either extremely tired or it isn't working.
Well, I guess I should've exlapined a bit more. That was a hover limo, and they're very popular among the wealthy in the Hoenn Mirror World.

Why don't you just call everyone by their names? This is obviously an omniscient 3rd-person narration, so 'Miss Lettuce got out of the car' would have been fine, and much easier to read.
Another flaw of mine appears to be wordiness...

You threw all of these characters at us emtremely fast; I'm not quite sure who everyone is anymore. It's very impersonal, and unintentionally flattens the characters.
Well, here's another thing I've just learned not to do...

Heather is the only character with some dimension, but no one is 100% bitter all of the time. What is she thinking? What is her emplanation for bein liek this? Some introspective into that would be very interesting.
Well, I was intended Heather to be quite the brat, but I'm glad I'm sorta going in the right direction.

Marking a daydream like that is extremely juvenile. Saying ''She slipped into a daydream...'' would have been much better.
The third time I've got that.

Lilycove isn't an island. I'm pretty sure this is a stem of your other fic, in which case you might want to make some guide for readers who don't want to be bothered with reading something entirely different before coming into this. This glossary could replace the desparate one that cites the names you used.
Lilycove is an island in the Hoenn Mirror World, and you're pretty much right. I'll make a guide ASAP.

Heather, having an expression where she was almost struck by lightning...
Heather was almost struck by lightening? What?
I was trying to emphasize Heather's surprise there.

Hm, why would the characters in the mirror world refer to their world as the mirror? Naturally, they would refer to the 'real' Houenn as the 'mirror world'. It's all relative.
Yamato told me about this too, but this DOES have some elements from the sequel (before it got discontinued).

*gasps* Praise the Lord. Heather may not be a total loss. We get some insight into her underdeveloped mind.
Well, that's good to hear.

You really shouldn't be taking things from other places like this... you don't have a disclaimer for it, and it simply lacks creativity.
Well, if that's the case, I'm afraid that you won't like this story very much...

This was very mediocre. Thankfully, your grammar was fine, but your prose was lacking and your characters were flat. It was long, slightly confusing, and nothing really happened aside from you shoving too many people at us at one time. I'd recommend a beta for you. PM me if you'd like me to do it.
All right. I DO need a top-notch beta.

I can't much compare this to your other fics, as I never read them. That said, you should really explain some things particular to the canon of your fic in an author's note before each chapter.
It's pretty much my fault for telling you what to expect.

Put a little more time into the next chapter. I think you could become a good writer, with work.
Thanks for the review.

Don't only read fics on forums, for starters. Fanfiction.net has many more better fics.
I took a peek at your fan fics and FF.net, and it looked pretty impressive.

Act
May 28th, 2005, 05:29 PM
Glad you didn't maul me o.o;;

Anyway, again, I'm unendingly glad to see you really have a desire to improve. Just a comment:

Well, if that's the case, I'm afraid that you won't like this story very much...

Hn, I don't think that spinoffs of sorts really drain from the plot, but it absolutely doesn't add to it (which was more, I think, the direction I was leaning with my comment).

Scanning back over HMW, I actually did read the first few chapters once before, and I found it very weird, but I liked the prose there much better than here. I think, also, because it was a revision you had more of a direction, which always helps.

As for the lechuga... just hope most of your readers don't know Spanish... o.o;;

Thank you for the complement, by the way.