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Yetsu
May 18th, 2005, 09:44 AM
Notes: I don't really have any. I'm not ecstatic about this piece, but I do feel that it's a lot better than some of the other stuffs' I've written. Lol. Anyway, just read it through.

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Title: Sober

Author: Chibi/Yetsu/Warlordess

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Forget those faces that
Feel you should be groomed
For a certain success
All they know is what they read,
What they see on their t.v.'s
It's not a reality that
People should be made to live
So shread those magazines
Flip the switch on those
Celebrity interviews
Be your own future,
That reason for living life
That your family and friends
Have helped you to achieve
Strangers set your diets, your schedule,
And make a profit of your existence
Don't let them set you away
Throw away the box they gave you
Walk away from what
Unrealistic hardships you
Are currently pressured to face
Those chains will only hold you back
...
...
...

-

Notes: Usually I'd separate those lines into separate stanza's, but I just couldn't find a definite break, so it seemed better to just leave it as it is... Your opinions? =3

Natsuki
May 18th, 2005, 06:04 PM
Forget those faces that
Feel you should be groomed,
For a certain success.
All they know is what they read,
What they see on their T.V.'s.

It's not a reality that
People should be made to live
So shread those magazines
Flip the switch on those
Celebrity interviews.

Be your own future,
That reason for living life
That your family and friends
Have helped you to achieve.

Strangers set your diets, your schedule,
And make a profit of your existence
Don't let them set you away
Throw away the box they gave you.

Walk away from what
Unrealistic hardships you
Are currently pressured to face
Those chains will only hold you back
--------------
OK, I kinda split it up in a way to make it look a bit more neat. Though I have to say the flow isn't much better neither does it get worse than just having it all together as one long stanza, so it's really up to you on that one. XD

This poem was really cool! ^^ It's showing people that they should live their own lives and make their own decisions. They shouldn't be allowing others to think of them as incompatible or incompetent in their abilities. ^-^

Awesome job Yetsu! I give it a big thumbs up! ^_~

~Kelsey

Yetsu
May 27th, 2005, 12:20 PM
Whoo! Thanks so much! I didn't really wanna separate the poem into stanza's cause it seemed wrongly broken up, but thanks for that, anyway. Also, I'm glad that you caught the meaning of the poem. It's the first one I've done in a long while, so I wasn't sure how it'd turn out in the eyes of the readers.

serpenter
June 3rd, 2005, 07:50 PM
way cool, i like that one alot

fallen_angel
June 18th, 2005, 04:50 PM
it's nice I like it! Great job.

Yetsu
September 15th, 2005, 09:13 AM
Thank you for all of the wonderful compliments! Please, if you have the chance, check out some of my other pieces, such as "To the Stars"!