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Lady Demoonica Darkmoon
May 18th, 2005, 02:22 PM
LDD: This was a first atempt at a Pokemon fic I wrote back in 1998. My writing has came so far!

Beyond Victory Road

by

Lady Demoonica Darkmoon

Chapter 1: Vulpix I Choose You!

For my birthday my Uncle Joe gave me a Pokemon egg. A week later it began to rock and shake, and it crumbled into a million peices. There on it's back, looking up at me, was a small fox! She had reddish brown fur, big blue eyes, and a long tail. She rolled over onto her feet only to have them fly out from under her. I giggled and picked the Vulpix up.

"I'll call her Pixi.", I told my sister Renee.

Three days later, Uncle Joe showed up at the house. He had a pokedex, pokegear, and pokeballs with him.

"Hi Dana, has it hatched yet?", he asked as he walked in the door. We didn't have to answer him because Pixi ran right for him and landed on his chest, knocking him down.

"Well", he said as he got up, "I see she's the pick and quite strong! Dana have you ever thought about becoming a Pokemon trainer?"

I shook my head, I hadn't thought of it. I had never had a Pokemon of my own before.

"You know what", he said, "I'm going to help you get started. That is if you want too. I was eleven when I started training, so what do you say?"

"Yeah, lets get started!", I almost shouted.

"Calm down Dana, first we need to get ... what's her name again?"

"It's Pixi."

"Then we need to get Pixi some experiance in battling other Pokemon. Let's start with my Bulbasaur." Uncle Joe tossed a pokeball to the ground. It bounced out the back door and onto the sand. In a poof of sand, a Bulbasaur appeared.

"Pixi tackle.", I commanded. Pixi looked at the Bulbasaur, then with her now famouse growl took off with a bound. She landed with her shoulder knocking the Bulbasaur completely back.

"Wow! Dana, Pixi's strong!", said Renee. Pixi was still standing in the place she landed.

"She's waiting for it to get back up!", Uncle Joe said, "That shows kind training. Bulbasaur return, go Rattata!"

Before Pixi could turn around Rattata knocked her down, making Pixi mad. She jumped up and turned so fast that she knocked Rattata a good ten feet with her tails.

"I think Pixi's ready to battle wild Pokemon. She is very strong.", said Uncle Joe, "Come back Rattata. Dana, here are a few pokeballs. Outside of town is a grassy field and some wooded areas. Go out and fight, if you see something you want, knock it out. Then throw a ball at it. When you get a few come over to my house, I will heal them for you."

"Okay uncle, I will. Come on Pixi. Bye! I'll see you all later.", I went North, out into a grassy field. Half way in, Pixi growled at a noise.

"Shh, Pixi! I hear it too. Get it Pixi!" Pixi took off to the left.

"Ahhhh, it's a Vulpix! Get it Spearow! I didn't know they were in this area." Came a boys voice.

"Pixi come back!" I was a little late; his Spearow was already grounded. "Sorry, I didn't know anyone else was out here. I wouldn't have sent Pixi after you."

"It's your Vulpix, and here I thought my day wouldn't be a waste. My name is Michael." He held out a Pokeball. "Spearow return."

"Michael, I'm sorry Pixi knocked your Spearow out of the air.", I said, "She's really active. Will it be alright?"

"Yeah, it just needs some rest. I've been out here all morning trying to capture some Pokemon. I haven't found a thing, what about you? "

"I just got out here, my name is Dana and this is Pixi. I just started training this morning. You haven't found any Pokemon? I wonder why. Hey , maybe we could work together. How about that?"

"No thanks Dana, I work alone."

"Well if you don't want too." I shruged my sholders. "I'm going to the woods if you change your mind. Bye. Come on Pixi."

As I entered the forest, I noticed it was really quite. As I rounded the corner, I saw a fainted Caterpie.

"Oh, poor thing, I'm going to take it to Uncle Joe. He can help it." I picked the Pokemon bug up. For a bug, it sure was heavy. Now I knew why you used pokeballs. When I got to Uncle Joes house, I could have done with a rest myself.

"Uncle Joe ! Uncle are you here?", I called out as I walked in the door.

"I'm in the back. You've caught some already! Your a fast learner.", he said as he entered the room, "What's this? Did it faint on you?"

"No, I found it this way, the poor little thing. Will it be okay?", I asked. He took the Caterpie and went to the back room. I followed him. He layed the Caterpie on a small table that was connected to his computer.

"Hum... Length-1'3", Weight-8lbs, Level-3. It's a little small, but it's young, it will be fine. Something hit this one really hard. It's lucky it lived. I'll heal it up and put it in the fenced in area of the yard."

The computer beeped. Uncle Joe picked up the Caterpie and walked out the backdoor. He placed the Caterpie in the grassy area of the yard. Five minutes later it began to wake up.

"Is it okay to try and catch it now?"

"Yes Dana, it's fine. Try your luck, knock it all the was out."

"Pixi tackle!"

Pixi took off, but she landed behind the bug, missing. The Caterpie turned around and tackled Pixi, knocking her to the ground. Pixi got up and pounced on the Caterpie. It tryed to shake it off as it got up, but was to weak to do so.

"Pixi that's fine, don't hit it again.", I said as I tossed a pokeball onto the Pokemon bug. The ball hit, Caterpie was pulled into the ball, and didn't break back out. "All right! I caught it!"

"Very good, your on your way to being one of the great Pokemon trainers. Here let me have that ball, I'll heal this and Pixi back to perfect health."

He picked up Pixi and placed her and the ball on the table. In a minute the computer beeped. Pixi jumped down.

"Here Dana." He handed me the ball. "Go find some more, remember to capture different types. The best things to have are friends. Good bye, I'll see you later."

I left by the back door ready for adventure. Maybe Michael would come with me. As I walked toward the forest, Pixi pounced at a butterfly. This had been quite a day and I had the feeling so much was going to happen. That was fine with me, I was ready.

Abskull
May 18th, 2005, 02:55 PM
Spelling

Okay, this is no particular order:

famouse

That would be "famous".

peices

That would be "pieces"

There are a couple more spelling errors but I'm too lazy!

Grammar

There are too many grammatical errors. The biggest one is the fact that you a comma after the quotation marks, such as:

"I'll call her Pixi.",

You do not need to do that. Here is an exampl of a piece of dialouge:

"Hi Bob," said Jerry.
"G'day to you, too," said Bob

The comma either goes inside the quote, or you have an exclamation point or question mark.

Plot

It's a good idea, but you go way to fast. You should explain to us what it was like having an egg, or anything else.
Speaking of explaining, you need to explain a lot more. What does Dana look like? What does Michael look like? You also have to explain the forest a bit more. I would love to visualize that forest.

Other

Like I said above, you need to explain. You have way too much dialouge, because you do not explain.

Overall

I give it a 6/10, it's a great idea, but there are to much grammatical, spelling, and other errors. I recomend using a word proccesor. Once you do that, you'll be great!:)

Shuko
May 18th, 2005, 03:43 PM
Spelling
Okay, this is no particular order:


Yup, this sure is no particular order. It's really more of a general one.


That would be "famous".
That would be "pieces"
There are a couple more spelling errors but I'm too lazy!
Grammar
There are too many grammatical errors. The biggest one is the fact that you a comma after the quotation marks, such as:

Hey! What'choo doin' callin' mah bud a comma?! Dem's fightin' words!!!

You do not need to do that. Here is an exampl of a piece of dialouge:

It's make a new word day!!!


"Hi Bob," said Jerry.
"G'day to you, too," said Bob

The comma either goes inside the quote, or you have an exclamation point or question mark.

Plot

It's a good idea, but you go way to fast. You should explain to us what it was like having an egg, or anything else.
Speaking of explaining, you need to explain a lot more. What does Dana look like? What does Michael look like? You also have to explain the forest a bit more. I would love to visualize that forest.

Meh. No need funny comment. Easy mistake. :P


Other

Like I said above, you need to explain. You have way too much dialouge, because you do not explain.

Dialogue is a hard word to spell. I understand. I'll quit raggin' ya about it.


Overall

I give it a 6/10, it's a great idea, but there are to much grammatical, spelling, and other errors. I recomend using a word proccesor. Once you do that, you'll be great!:)

Comma splice, s'posed to be "too," "recommend", and "processor." There we go. That's all of 'em.

Didja get my point? Lol. Really, I was only being silly, since I didn't mean anything by it, but there was a point there. Basically put, it's that you should be careful not to make some or all of the same grammatical and spelling mistakes you're pointing out. It lessens your credibility. But don't sweat it. We all know you meant well, and it was all constructive criticism too. You're already shaping up to be a great fanfic reviewer! Besides, all the things you pointed out were correct, and that shows that you do know your grammar better than the average 11 year old. I don't think I was that proficient at your age. 0_o

One thing to keep in mind guys, is that this fic was written in 1998, which means you were... fifteen, right LDD? Yeah, your writing skills really have come a long way! You can learn a lot in seven years, ne?

I agree with Abskull on a lot of points, tho. You, like most young Americans, had a problem with comma splices, comma faults, and spelling some of the odder words of our complicated language. *gets off her high horse as a multitude of grammar teachers come after her, brandishing failed composition assignments in their wrinkly fingers*

Ahem. Anyway LDD, I know you're working on another fic right now, but maybe you could revamp this one, if you have time? That way we could get a "before and after" look at it. :P That'd be cool, don'cha think? Anyway, anyone can feel free to agree or disagree with me about anything I said. None of it was said with malice, and none of it should be taken seriously, as I am not a serious person. Ja ne!

oni flygon
May 18th, 2005, 03:53 PM
....

Okay, well, the plot is slightly bit stereotyped. A bit too perfect for me. Because it's all too perfect to get this Vulpix then get Pokedex, Pokeballs, Pokegear, etc... then you start on training and stuff. It's a bit bland, lacking in description and a bit cluttered with spelling and a bit of grammar mistakes. There's too much dialogue and just a few descriptions. It might be first point of view but authors primarily write in first POV in order to set a scene, a mood, etc. Though you didn't seem to manage to set a mood for my taste. If you didn't like my review, just ignore it... XD

Abskull
May 18th, 2005, 03:56 PM
Yup, this sure is no particular order. It's really more of a general one.



Hey! What'choo doin' callin' mah bud a comma?! Dem's fightin' words!!!



It's make a new word day!!!



Meh. No need funny comment. Easy mistake. :P



Dialogue is a hard word to spell. I understand. I'll quit raggin' ya about it.



Comma splice, s'posed to be "too," "recommend", and "processor." There we go. That's all of 'em.

Didja get my point? Lol. Really, I was only being silly, since I didn't mean anything by it, but there was a point there. Basically put, it's that you should be careful not to make some or all of the same grammatical and spelling mistakes you're pointing out. It lessens your credibility. But don't sweat it. We all know you meant well, and it was all constructive criticism too. You're already shaping up to be a great fanfic reviewer! Besides, all the things you pointed out were correct, and that shows that you do know your grammar better than the average 11 year old. I don't think I was that proficient at your age. 0_o

One thing to keep in mind guys, is that this fic was written in 1998, which means you were... fifteen, right LDD? Yeah, your writing skills really have come a long way! You can learn a lot in seven years, ne?

I agree with Abskull on a lot of points, tho. You, like most young Americans, had a problem with comma splices, comma faults, and spelling some of the odder words of our complicated language. *gets off her high horse as a multitude of grammar teachers come after her, brandishing failed composition assignments in their wrinkly fingers*

Ahem. Anyway LDD, I know you're working on another fic right now, but maybe you could revamp this one, if you have time? That way we could get a "before and after" look at it. :P That'd be cool, don'cha think? Anyway, anyone can feel free to agree or disagree with me about anything I said. None of it was said with malice, and none of it should be taken seriously, as I am not a serious person. Ja ne!

NARG! Curse you Shuko for making me laugh at myself! XD! I can't believe I'm not actually hating you for doing that! Thanks Shuko for correcting me on my correction thingy ma'bobber!:laugh:

Lady Demoonica Darkmoon
May 18th, 2005, 03:56 PM
You're right, I should redo it just to see the difference. (This was just chapter one, but it went downhill from there for another 10 chapters.) Wow it got a 6/10! I was thinking it would get around a 3. Funny, I know guys named Bob and Jerry; they know each other too, so I've heard those lines live! Thanks for the crit Abskull!

Abskull
May 18th, 2005, 03:58 PM
Anytime my friend! I'm too nice to give anything below a 5!

Shuko
May 18th, 2005, 04:21 PM
NARG! Curse you Shuko for making me laugh at myself! XD! I can't believe I'm not actually hating you for doing that! Thanks Shuko for correcting me on my correction thingy ma'bobber!:laugh:

Nyeheheheh.... *Rubs hands together in a sinister, eeevil way* Myesss... My mind control powers are strengthening! Soon, I shall have all the people of the world laughing as I insult them all!! I'm brilliant, I tell you! Brilliant!

*Montana falls on her, deflating her ego...*

Aww... I'm so glad you weren't offended, Abskull-kun! I was kind of afraid you'd be upset. I tried to get the point across that I didn't mean anything by it, so I'm glad you picked up on that. :P And you're welcome. I'll pick apart your grammar anytime... *dodges as Abskull hurls a Graveller and Steelix in her general direction*

Way to go, LDD! I figured you'd be the kind of person who'd be able to laugh at things like this. As long as you retain your sense of humor, you can become the world's best author!

...

Wait! By George, that's it! *Races off to learn how to develop a sense of humor* Bwahahahahah! The fools won't know what hit 'em! XD

Abskull
May 18th, 2005, 04:30 PM
Normaly I would start throwing Wailords at you, but you were nice!

Throw Steelix and Gravlers? Nah, too small. Gyrodos, Groudons, Rayquazas, Kyogres, and Hariyamas!

United squirtle
May 21st, 2005, 10:21 AM
YYaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 100/400

oni flygon
May 21st, 2005, 10:32 AM
YYaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 100/400
You have been warned for spamming.

Please don't do that again...

pokegirl909
May 23rd, 2005, 05:42 AM
Please write more. I'm dying to know what comes next.