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Snivi
May 18th, 2005, 03:24 PM
You Don't See Him For What He Truly Is

You tell him he will always fail
Yet he holds his dreams in his heart so well
You hold his past against him persistently
Yet he gets better and someday you will see
You call him a moron, a fool, and an idiot, it never ends
Yet he still has room in his heart to be your friend
You tell him to become a master is setting his goal too high
Yet he keeps that far off look in his eyes
You don't see him for what he truly is
Yet he has showed you, just look at all he does

oni flygon
May 18th, 2005, 03:38 PM
Pretty decent poem...

Though a few errors and whatnot. I'm not sure if you really intend those or something but let's see...

See, the problem with some free-verse poems like yours, it won't sound right to some because the rythm might be jagged and I'm sure that's not the syntax that you're aiming for. This poem surely doesn't need paragraphing but probably a little fix in the rythm. Rhyme is another thing because you kinda confused me with your rhyme scheme: a b cc dd(?) ee(?) f g

I'm not sure with the rhymes with "end" and "friends" and the same for "high" and "eyes"... but I've seen many other people (like Bono... O___O) use these kind of rhymes and they do work.

Another thing:
You call him a moron, a fool, & an idiot, it never ends

It's not the best way to use those symbols because they make the poem look all ugly and stuff... Some poets use those symbols but only to use a theme in a way where the whole poem is composed of symbols.

If you didn't like this review, just ignore it... XD I just came here to comment...>>;;

*continues to search for fanfic of the week*

Stevo-kun
May 18th, 2005, 03:41 PM
You tell him he will always fail
Yet he holds his dreams in his heart so well
You hold his past against him persistently
Yet he gets better and someday you will see
You call him a moron, a fool, & an idiot, it never ends
Yet he still has room in his heart to be your friend
You tell him to become a master is setting his goal too high
Yet he keeps that far off look in his eyes
You don't see him for what he truly is
Yet he has showed you just look at all he does

Wow that is awesome, I can relate o that IRL, call it sad but it is true ^^;. I have boldened one line that I can most relate to ^^:

Stevo-Kun

Lucy Lu
May 18th, 2005, 04:00 PM
That is so deep. =O *sigh* I can relate too. I see Ash in his great qualites. He is totally cool. Some people don't see Satoshi what he truly is. You prove it prefectly. Me likes the poem. =3

Peach
May 19th, 2005, 08:44 AM
Oh, I really like this one! It's really sweet. It's really shame that everyone don't see how special Satoshi really is, but there always be people who do

[Technya]
May 19th, 2005, 08:52 PM
Oh, my gosh Toto this is amazing =O
I really loved it! *appaluse*
Very, very deep and beautifully done ^.~

Mario The World Champion
May 19th, 2005, 09:07 PM
Wow. I actually understand the whole point of this. Most people don't see Ash for who he is and try to hold him back, but he just keeps his eye on the prize.

This is another great piece of work you made, Toto.

Bree~chan
May 19th, 2005, 09:49 PM
OMG What a beautiful poem Toto =3 I love how well the sentences rhyme and also tell the truth at the same time ^^
The title goes perfectly with the poem and the poem itself is very impressively written!
You have a indredible talent with writing and I always look forward to your future works =3

Hiroshi Sotomura
May 21st, 2005, 04:04 AM
Well structured, and if I was to critic, I'd probably say some of what Niko said (minus the punctuation use since you just edited it). XD

Frostweaver
May 21st, 2005, 10:20 AM
One observation shall prove that this poem is very limited and not very carefully constructed...

shortest line: 7 syllables
longest line: 16 syllables

conclusion: not fluant at all... it just won't work period. It's too great of a range in syllables to even consider it a poem at all.

as well as what Niko has said already, some of the key lines lacked the "ring" in the last word... it doesn't sound too nice (poems are meant to be read out loud, remember), and the emphasize is not on the last word. For example, the last line... the emphasize is actually in the middle of the line, and the last part of the line is useless. The most important idea should be coming at the end, not the middle.

Plenty of editing to do...

White_Winter_Wolf
May 24th, 2005, 03:17 AM
Toto it rocks! Are you talking about Gary? 10/5!

Snivi
May 24th, 2005, 04:40 AM
No I am talking about anyone that puts him down. Like Ash bashers.

Geometric-sama
May 24th, 2005, 08:24 PM
*giggles* For a moment, when you said "Satoshi", I thought you meant Anth :P XD

Snivi
May 24th, 2005, 08:31 PM
*giggles* For a moment, when you said "Satoshi", I thought you meant Anth :P XD
XD! Why would I mean him? XD

Hiroshi Sotomura
May 26th, 2005, 02:45 AM
You mean Tetsuya now? *bites JA* xD

God Of Water
May 26th, 2005, 03:15 AM
Nice poem,I`d put making sense ahead of beats a rhyme.
7/10