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Eliana
May 26th, 2005, 12:39 PM
Okay well my friends told me to post this so I will...
Just to warn you, it has 3 swears in it and discussion about suicide so don't say I didn't warn you XD

P.S: It's not 100% finished yet, so I may post the last part later.
Also, this may seem very familiar to some of you XD;

In My Own Private Suicide

It was dark.
Although the full moon was at its height, ominous clouds were spread across the sky, concealing any means of light from the night sky. The only sound that could be heard was the waves crashing against the side of the old bridge, which experienced countless of nights such as this before.

Indeed, the Bay seemed to emit a chaotic aura.
In the midst of the silent chaos, a dark figure stood on the bridge, gazing at the rushing waves.

What did I do to deserve this? He thought in anguish. What did I do?

Rain began to fall, pounding against the now disturbed water. He glared up at the sky, as if blaming the rain for the pain he was drenched in. With diminished confidence, he tried to think positively.

Maybeshell come back

But the thought only renewed his misery.
No, there was no hope left. But it wasnt his fault this happened. This nightmare wouldnt have happened if it werent for

She isnt coming back, J. Get over it.

A voice spoke, seeming to ignite anger in J.

Its your f***ing fault Jimmy J said, gritting his teeth, infuriated.
Jimmys laughter echoed across the bridge.

J, listen. I want you to rememberjust who f***ing saved your life?

J knew this was coming. He had no choice but to give in to Jimmy yet again.

You J said flatly, hating the fact he answered the question.

Yes, exactly. And Im going to help again, right now.

At these words, J wasnt sure what was coming next. Jimmy continued;

Do me a favor, will you? Look in your jacket pocket. Left one.

J obeyed. Reaching into the pocket, he felt a cold object, and felt a wave of dread overcome him.

Yes, Jjust one second of pain. Wouldnt you prefer one second over the rest of your life? Its worth it, J. You dont want to hear this, but you have nothing left to live for. Youre like me. Were both f***ed up, so get used to it.

The very words struck J like knives.

Youre like me
They echoed in his mind, over and over, mocking him endlessly.

He did want the pain to stopHe stared at the gun.
Was his answer truly here?

You got one shot, J. One.

Just one

Nobody likes you, everyone left you, theyre all out without you

Her words returned to him.

At that moment, it came to him all at once. He made his decision. He lifted up the gun, his pulse pounding hard.
No, he wasnt going to back down now. He would not be afraid.

Any last words?

J sensed triumph in Jimmys voice.
It would be over in a matter of seconds.

Yes JimmyI do. He pointed the gun towards the water.

Were not the same.

The earsplitting gunshot shattered the silence, and was no more.

At that moment, the Saint Jimmy was gone.
The Jesus of Suburbia was alone once again.

He dropped the gun, and it fell into the clashing waves below.
He felt the doom and delusion he once felt before return to him again, just before Jimmy came to him.

No, Jimmy never came to him after all. He was just an illusion, a trick of his mind. It was all in the past now. He ran again, unknowing what would happen. Would he find a place to go?

He ran into the darkness again, but this time alone.
Jimmy wouldnt be there to terrorize him. This time, there would be no mistakes.
And this time, Whatsername was gone.
He was all alone.

[Well nobody cares, well nobody cares, does anyone care, if nobody cares?]

~1 Month Later~

I have to get out of here
J, after recovering from Saint Jimmys Death a month ago, found a job filing paperwork. However, it was getting old.

He could run away again, but this time he really had nowhere to go. He wished he was anywhere but here. In fact, he wanted to be with his friends from the streets

But going back wasnt an option.
They werent his friends, but Jimmys

I have to go back home, dont I

He didnt belong here. He had no choice. J.O.S was going home.

~End Part 1~

[Nobody likes you, everyone left you, theyre all out without you, having fun]

He remembered this road. So many blood-stained memories.
It was here he met Jimmy, and here his torment started. It was here he met Whatsername as well

But shes gone! J insisted, resisting the urge to simply give up, and go down in anguish. Yes, this road brought back memories.

He remembered the feelings of solitude, walking alone, and that no one seemed to care. It was happening all over again

Only this time, I dont have a car J thought dryly, trying to spark some humor in the wake of the abandoned road. But it was no use. He lost too much on this road, and he couldnt forget that.

He wondered if the road ever bore life. It looked as dry and arid as it did when he walked upon it long ago. It seemed to go on eternally, endlesslyNo, he wouldnt get lost.

He continued walking, though he was disturbed by the eerie silence
He hesitated for a second. Did he hear something? No, it was just the high pitched shrieking of the wind

Or was it? It was continuously getting louder, until J identified the dreaded words, and still getting louder and louder by the second

Nobody likes you

Whatsername. Yes, the words were still there to haunt his mind. He tried to shut it out, but it kept getting back, louder and louder every time

Everyone left you

The words kept pounding in his head, mocking him, taunting him, over and over

THEYRE ALL OUT WITHOUT YOU, HAVING FUN!

He couldnt take it anymore. Every word she said hit him with burning anguish and agony.

Blinded by pain, he ran, his head pounding.
He ran, trying to leave the echoing words behind. But they were there, screaming the same sentence over and over.
And he ran. No, he wouldnt give up.

He left Jimmy behind, he would leave her.
The pain was overwhelming, but he ran, and nothing would stop him.
Nothing at all

[NOBODY LIKES YOU, EVERYONE LEFT YOU, THEYRE ALL OUT WITHOUT YOU HAVING FUN]

oni flygon
May 26th, 2005, 05:02 PM
I'm not the best critic around but since I'm a fan of the punk rock opera...

Well, you can't really change the plot since it's already solid the way it is: Jimmy commits "suicide" who is also supposedly Jesus of Suburbia's alter ego/other personality.

So I see your flaw on how you wrote it. It's a bit choppy the way it is with the one line paragraphs. Maybe you should increase the effort on the descriptions because some parts of descriptions set the mood apart a bit. If you want to continue on with a dark setting, you should maybe try using dark vocabulary, etc.

It was dark.
Although the full moon was at its height, ominous clouds were spread across the sky, concealing any means of light from the night sky. The only sound that could be heard was the waves crashing against the side of the old bridge, which experienced countless of nights such as this before.
No need to mention a full moon on a setting which was all dark. The first impression on a full moon is a bright night. And of course this is supposed to be a city setting so you could describe the city lights, maybe? The bridge description is a little bit awkward for me.

Indeed, the Bay seemed to emit a chaotic aura.
In the midst of the silent chaos, a dark figure stood on the bridge, gazing at the rushing waves.
Silent chaos is sort of an oxymoron. The two just don't go together. You could probably describe one of each but it's the city so you're likely to describe the humming of the cars or the waves of the bay.

A voice spoke, seeming to ignite anger in J.

The sentence is a little awkward. Maybe you should seperate the two.

J obeyed. Reaching into the pocket, he felt a cold object, and felt a wave of dread overcome him.
Jesus obeying is a little contradictory to his character. If he loathes Jimmy, then have him argue with him a bit. Maybe just to show his character because you wouldn't really obey the person whom you loathe. As for the "cold object" ... it's better to set the mood with "he ran his fingers over something and felt its cold trigger" or something of that sort.

Yes JimmyI do. He pointed the gun towards the water.

Were not the same.

The earsplitting gunshot shattered the silence, and was no more.
Just a little note: in psychology, you don't "kill" your other personality by just shooting at something. It's a little bit of mental torment and such. In some cases, it gets physical. But I don't know. If you want to improve your story, add a little bit of mental and physical torment/conflict between the two.

That's just me. Overall, you need to fix it a bit more. Maybe add a little descriptions here and there. Grammar help, mood, etc. Too much dialogue. And yes... paragraphs... =D

Eliana
May 27th, 2005, 05:56 AM
Concerning the last part: I had the same problem with killing JimmyI simply couldnt find a way. See, the gun shot itself wasnt the part that killed him. The fact that he was separating himself from Jimmy made Jimmy dissipate from his mindthanks for the comment though! I dont think Im going to have any time to edit anything right now due to a lot of school work, but Ill keep that in mind!
I actually made sure to make less dialogue and more descriptionI concluded that in my other attempts to write, the reason I kept messing up was because I had too much talking..XD; I really cut back this time.