View Full Version : Continuing On - Dedicated to all you Kenta fans

Hiroshi Sotomura
June 4th, 2005, 12:57 AM
This is probably going to become my major fan fiction, but probably another stereotypical one. I try to make sure Im not stepping overboard, but thats hard. I guess I make a better theme maker than a fic writer. Fanfics forever!

And this has basis off an older fanfiction I did.

By the way, I guess I got sick of seeing the dub names of the TV characters, Kenta being Jimmy and Junichi, or Jackson (in 4Kids dubs) being Vincent, that I cant be bothered writing them. Id be comfortable using Jackson, but Ill get off that now. Its night and all, but thats just the early start. Ive hinted too much now.
There was light ahead of me.

I took a slight glimpse of it in the midst of a foggy night. A lighthouse I thought, by the brightness but visible distance of the glow. The waves of the water passed my Lapras, a Pokmon that can remind people of those English Nessie the Loch Ness Monster legends, as I travelled on it. It was too foggy for me to see what was up ahead, and the waves started sounding stronger. I sat looking at my PokGear. I was out of service area, so I couldnt call the friends I made back at Johto. Lapras steered towards the beam, which seemed distant. Other than that, the only bright object that shone was above my head a bright full moon.

By the way, my name is Kenta. Im a fifteen-year old Pokmon trainer, and, like many other people, I aim to be the best trainer around. Of course, thats not the simplest journey on the world, seeing as theres tons of things one person would have to do to achieve the best. People like to call me brave and adventurous, but I just waive those comments. As many people always say, Pokmon training is hard. Id have to agree with many people who think so. Its probably hard to raise a pokmon, but eventually they will return the favour by being your big-time companions.

This adventure was probably one of the most significant I was in. And I actually thought starting a new adventure was fun I wasnt never as excited from doing a new journey in such a manner. But the worst thing I did was consume all the food which was supposed to last two whole days and a few island stops; I ate it all yesterday, from when I had departed New Bark Town in the morning to my dinner at eight in the night.

The map I had relied on didnt seem to work; I didnt find much of the big islands the map had mentioned. Surfing was my only favoured option of travel, as I was doing with the support of Lapras. I thought I could get to Littleroot Town in a matter of hours. I was confident Id get somewhere quick as I had done such things before. From the looks of the lights and the map, though, I assume that Ill be in Hoenn in a matter of hours.

I miss my best friends that I grew up in life in a town with. We split directions. One of them had nice blue hair and dark blue eyes. Shes really nice; shes the sweetest girl (besides my mom) that Ive met in all of Johto. And theres another friend I grew up with. Perhaps the most bizarre person Ive met. He had brown eyes, and a smile that you cant say no to sometimes. If youve met him and become friends with him, that is.

I was never lonely since the start of this journey though. I had a lot of Pokmon with me on my journey in Johto, most of which I have with me now. My best buddy was a Typhlosion, a fiery Pokmon, whose flames would come out from holes on its back whenever it used Fire attacks. After all, Pokmon are friends too, even though people dont understand them.

It doesnt take a while to notice that this whole ride has been the most boring ever, being deprived of battles. I was bored for quite a while, but Lapras went on. After all, wed had some rests on some small islands. I thought too much now. Lapras had a lot of rest when I last stopped at an island for some rest, so it was able to stay awake. However, I felt so tired and so sleepy, so I closed my eyes to wait for the morning to come.
I think I went overboard with Kenta's point of view here. I must comment that I'll leave it all to later.

~ Sayonara!

June 4th, 2005, 4:49 AM
"On" in your title should be capatalized. Only article and some preositions are spared capatalization in titles, and on is not one of them.

There was light ahead of me.

I took a light glimpse of it in the midst of a foggy night. A lighthouse I thought, by the brightness but visible distance of the light.

You use the word 'light' four times in the first three sentences. It disrupts flow and begins to sound sing-song-ish if you're not careful.

Nessie the loch ness monster

Again, a title that lacks capatalization. Not to mention that Loch Ness is a proper noun and would be capatalized no matter what. "Nessie the Loch Ness Monster" is correct.

You keep using the word 'light'. Word has a built-in thesaurus; I'd pull it out.

Id have to agree with many people who think so, because its probably, at most, hard to raise a Pokmon, but eventually they will return the favour, being your big-time companions.

Comma overdose. Actually, I'd make this two sentences. If you don't want to, take out the first and last commas. Remember, a comma is a pause in narration. Read this over stopping at each comma-- it sounds disjointed. Also, he says he agrees that it is hard, but then says that is is 'at most' hard? So he actually thinks it isn't that hard? As for the two sentences, I'd recommend something like, "I agree with those who think so. It is hard to raise a pokemon, but eventually they will return the favor with companionship."

Also, you probably should capatalize 'pokemon' when not referring to the francise. We don't capatalize 'animal,' do we?

And I actually thought it was fun I wasnt as excited as this.

Wasn't as excited as what?

and a few island stops I ate it all yesterday

This hyphen could probably bear to be a semicolon. Also, when hyphenating narrtion, you use a double-hyphen (--). A single hyphen (-) denotes the hyphenation of a word.

In this fourth paragraph, you switch from past to present tense. Also, it's very scattered. You throw in random ideas that have little connection. It seems as if you wanted to include these things but had no where to put them.

If I could describe how nice she looks, itd be really hard.

Oxymoronic. To say 'If I could...' implies not being able to, but then you say it would be hard if you could... but you already told us you can't, so do you mean that if you /tried/ to describe her ti would be hard? The syntax there is a tad messy.

The grammar here was fine, but the prose and wording itself needs work. YOu switch tenses a few times and throw random information at us. It's all a little boring; nothing is happening. I think if you got a beta you'd be fine.

Hiroshi Sotomura
June 4th, 2005, 5:11 AM
*laughs* I love criticism. Especially when it hits me. ... oh my, I love it. Thanks, it really helps. (No sarcasm intended)

Time to actually make something happen. Let's say...he actually reaches the town? Sleeping is an abrupt method itself too, so...

June 4th, 2005, 11:25 AM
Hey, I don't critisize (sp?). But I am here to tell you that I really like this story. And thats something to say! So, please hurry!