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<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 4th, 2005, 04:53 PM
OK well here is the first stage of my first complete rap. I don't have a name for it yet but if anyone has any suggestions I'd appreciate them. Also any comments are welcome, it is a rough draft.
(1st verse) Girl, you so hot so fine so fly got me thinkin you is just a lie/ I know ya gotta be that girl for me/ I know what ya feel keep it real with me/ I like you so much aint like the rest big bunch/ Gotta be with you baby you will be my lady/ Ya better beleive that ya make me feel releived when I see yo face so full of grace gots me in such a craze/ Can't even blink less even think/ Gimme a chance to be yo guy Ill care for you I know whats right always hold ya nice and tight/ take ya to the mall Ill spoil you with all get ya feelin real tall/ Tell yo friends n family with this guy you'll be travelin/ mile by mile Ill make ya smile day by day i'll give ya all my ways of praise/ for you baby im crazy cuz we belong like D and Z (chorus) Love ya so much gimme a chance to prove my care I wanna be yo pair don't even dare to brake my heart I promise to do my part/ Ill give my full attention and protection(chorus ends) (2nd verse) I know ya just broke up with J3S but who says? I say be mine I'll call you all the time/ and if you is afraid that well be short on milk and bread/then dont worry cuz as long as im alive ya wont be dead/ we should be uniting instead of dividing we should be together instead of apart for ever/ Gimme yo authority to make ya my nuber one priority/ Ill be there with you in them rains of pains/ Girl you are my world my reason to live and the person to who my life I give/ Well take long walks on the beach see how far we can reach/ Well make a good couple never get in trouble/ Be my queen youll never be short on bling-bling/Gimme a chance to prove that for you my life justgrew (chorus) Love ya so much gimme a chance to prove my care I wanna be yo pair don't even dare to brake my heart I promise to do my part/ Ill give my full attention and protection(chorus ends) (continue 2nd Verse)Girl ya so hot so fine so fly got me thinkin you is just a lie I aint worthy of yo love but I promise my appreciation just don't gimme the bad rejection/ I got a feelin deep inside that you were made to be my bride/ I know we was made for each other like my dad and my mother/ So please quit stallin our future and come with me.

Kyosuke
June 4th, 2005, 11:18 PM
I'm not a certified rap expert, but I listen to more then enough rap music to be able to spot a good rap XD

Hmm the first thing of course is to make then text easier to read, no offence but a huge wall of text isn't going to encourage someone to read it, next time how about just making them into real verse form? ^^

And there isn't really a "hook", you know something to make the people reading it want to read more but you make up for that at times. Anyone who knows a good rap song, knows that it has to rhyme a lot while still making sence of the words, you somewhat do that but it just seems like written word poetry which could work that way as well.

The only thing I can say is just fix the wall of text you seem to have XD, and adjust the whole "flow" of it and the way the words play off each other.

Natsuki
June 5th, 2005, 10:28 AM
Well, as Lance said - I too am not an expert on rap, but I shall do my best! ^o^

Okies, firstly, you need to either shorten up some of the lines, or at least fit them into stanzas so it's easier for us to read. ^_____^ That's really the only major thing that kind of throws people off from reading your rap. ^^;

Now, your rap is neat, I like the use of words and the theme's done pretty well too. :3 How'd I know there'd be a girl involved? XD Well, I tihnk you're doing wonderfully wonderful on this rap. ^^ If only I could hear the rhythm that went with it... ;o;

Anywho, wonderful job DZ! ^^

~Kelsey

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 5th, 2005, 11:24 AM
I cant put it into stanzas for some reason

Geometric-sama
June 5th, 2005, 11:31 PM
It's easy. Everywhere you have a / replace it with a line break, and where it goes (1st verse) (chorus) etc, that's the start of a new stanza.

I have to say it's better than most raps I've heard, at least it doesn't degrade females~

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 6th, 2005, 10:29 AM
I still don't have a title for it does anyone have any ideas?

Davey-kun
June 6th, 2005, 10:52 AM
d00d, i lliek to rap too. but i thiink soem of those lines are too long.

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 6th, 2005, 10:57 AM
well maybe reading it yes, but once I actually rap it the lines go by fast plus I fix most words so they ryhme more often and it flows with the beat. Thanx for the comment anyways Ill be sure to make the lines shorter.

Davey-kun
June 6th, 2005, 11:01 AM
tats kwl. check out mi rap. we cud give eachother suggestions.