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Davey-kun
June 6th, 2005, 10:54 AM
lo pweeps, i rit this rap.its called Rabit hoe, enjoy and comment.

Rabbit hole

You know,
When you first se me Im an average kid,
Id do all the normal things that you would think I did,
But if you really look harder, youll see just who I am,
Im just a ****ing kid, being forced into man.

You dont know how deep the rabbit hole goes,
You want to find out but nobody knows,
You try to see what it is that keeps me from smiling,
But then you end up feeling like ****ing dying.

Chorus

Im just a ****ing kid, being forced into man.
Im sure you would just love it, being who I am.
But then youd start to realise, that something was wrong,
Everything will fall, you better worry, it wont be that ****ing long.

Oh ****,
Ive just gone an blown my cover.
I try to hide things, I try to keep it from my mother,
But it doesnt work out, living my life.
Its like its been cut open by a ****ing surgical knife.

-Chorus

Id like to
Share the burden with you, come with me.
But be careful, because its weight will bring you down to your knees,
Itll break your back and then snap your ****ing neck,
Youll be so petrified you wont see whats coming next.

-Chorus

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 6th, 2005, 11:10 AM
Well Its very good I only suggest probably slanging some word more exmpl. you to yo and stuff like that to have short words, the rhymin does a good job. But I wont get into deep details. GOOD JOB

pirategirl92
June 6th, 2005, 03:17 PM
It's very good! But my suggestion contradicts DZ's, if you keep speaking intelligently, it'll get your point through better than if you use slang.

Your rap reminds me of the Matrix. *shrugs* With all that rabbit hole stuff.

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 6th, 2005, 06:36 PM
Ok well it all depends on what type of rap you are trying to do I don't usually do them with words too big I keep them short, but everyone has their own type of rapping.

Kyosuke
June 6th, 2005, 06:51 PM
Slang or not this poem is really good, what you did is what a true rap is suppose to do, which is tell a story about something that happened to you while making it rhyme and keeping a good flow.

The hip-hop culture uses a lot of slang, so sometimes it might seem weird seeing something thats not using words from the streets, but in this case it worked really nicely ^^.

Davey-kun
June 7th, 2005, 11:12 AM
what you did is what a true rap is suppose to do, which is tell a story about something that happened to you while making it rhyme and keeping a good flow.

that is exactly what i want to do, tell a story about something that happened to you while making it rhyme and keeping a good flow. get a message across. i dont feel i need to use slang though. im not realy that sort of guy. ^^

<<-_Lord-Krishna_->>
June 7th, 2005, 11:33 AM
oh ok I see now, so in that case your rap is great.

Davey-kun
June 7th, 2005, 11:38 AM
thnx, yeah, im glad peeps like it. and thers plenty stuff goin on in ma life so, this thread will have many updates ^^