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IceKing
June 10th, 2005, 03:05 PM
This is my first attempt at a horror fanfiction. Its nowhere near complete I just wanted to post the first part here so I could see what people's opinions were before continuing.

Please tell me how to improve!

Pg 13 for cursing and Violence

Malevolence


Im tired of this shit Andrea! He clearly will never be a warrior. Ive been trying to teach the damn thing to battle, but hes too weak! He lacks both courage and power; hes a filthy coward and weakling! In the ten years I wasted trying to raise him, I could have raised two powerful fighters! a powerful looking male Sandslash roared to a female Sandslash.

In the middle of a barren desert, two Sandslash were arguing for the whole world to hear. One was a male hell-bent on getting rid of his sickly son, and the other was a female attempting to keep her family together.

Sandslash were fierce desert pokemon. They stood three feet tall and resembled normal desert shrews. However, they had beady eyes and completely sand colored bodies, except for their creamy bellies. They had some of the most formidable claws in the world that extended six inches from their hands and talons that extended five inches from their feet. Their most prominent feature was the mass of large brown spikes that grew out of their back.

How could you call him such names Hector! Hes your own son damn it! Is all you males care about war and destroying the other Sandslash rather than caring for your own family? Isnt the purpose of these wars to protect your family? Andrea sobbed, wiping tears off of her drenched face.

Unbeknown to his parents, a frail looking child Sandslash watched them from underneath a Cacturne bed in the corner of the dingy room as his parents engaged in their most dangerous quarrel up to date. His name was Saber, but he was more commonly called the little piece of shit by his father. He was cursed as being born a sickly pokemon, prone to many diseases and ailments.

In the vast Gerudo Desert, all the different tribes of Sandslash were constantly in war, trying to overcome each other. In between battles, it was a males job to teach his child(ren) how to battle and a females job to raise them. Normally, children who could not battle were executed, but Hector and Andrea kept the secret of their sickly child to themselves.

He is not my son; hes your son! Last time I checked he didnt burst out of my body, bawling like the little piece of

SHUT UP! Andrea screeched as she struck Hector across his soft cheek.

Hector raised his claw to his red cheek and began to rub it, feeling the stinging sensation. He then responded by slashing Andrea across her chest with his other claw, causing her to fall over on her spiny back.

Strike me will you bitch? Know your position woman! Hector growled in fury as he began to kick her violently in the side. Andrea did not cry once; she refused to give her husband that grim satisfaction.

Saber refused to sit by and watch as his father beat his mother yet again. He leaped out from under his bed and came between his parents. SABER!!! RUN AWAY!

DADDY! Please stop it! Youre going to kill Mommy!

Hector glared at Saber with a dark glint in his eyes. Revenge for ten years of fruitless effort would finally be his. The brutal Sandslash balled his sharp claws into a fist and brought it down fiercely onto Sabers naked back.

Mommy! Saber cried as he fell to the ground.

Along with being a sickly child, he was also under developed. After ten long years of training, Saber finally evolved into a Sandslash, but he lacked sharp spikes on his back. Spikes were extremely crucial for both offensive and defensive power in Sandslash. As soon as Hector saw Saber evolve with a bare back, Saber officially became worthless, and there was no point in training him any longer.

Hector gazed over Sabers injured, bawling body triumphantly and lifted his son up with a powerful arm, pinning him against the cold, stone wall of their dwelling. Saber began to whimper as his father began to clutch his neck tightly.

So, I finally get to speak to you instead of your foolish mother. Let me get something straight. You are a useless piece of shit. You wont be able to do anything in your life because you are a filthy coward! Hector muttered with his rancid breath spraying into Sabers nostrils.

Saber held back the tears that were about to flood down his cheeks. His throat was feeling extremely congested as he struggled to hold back his tears, but the pain was easy to ignore because of his fathers grip tightening. He saw his mother begin to stir out of the corner of his eye.

I am going to do what I should have done nine years ago and kill you right here and now. Youre nothing but a Zubat, a grimy parasite that eats away at the resources of our great tribe. We live in a mutualism! You have nothing to offer, therefore, you must die, Hector stated gravely.

Mo.. Saber struggled to say as his fathers grasp tightened to the point where air could no longer crawl down into his lungs. Hector smiled vindictively as he heard his son let out little gasp and coughs for air and the life began to slowly drain out of his eyes.

Sabers sight began to blacken and everything around him began to slip away into darkness. Within seconds, his sight was completely gone and all that remained was a pearly, grey mist, hovering around the floor.

Saber looked around the mysterious fog, looking for his parents, but there was nothing around besides more thick haze. He gazed around his surroundings and began to ran forward with his arms flailing, not knowing what he was doing. Then, the grey haze began to slip away too. It slowly began to disappear, and Sabers sight became clearer and clearer.

Come back to me Saber! he heard his mother cry from overhead. Then, he felt a sharp pain enter his chest, and the haze began to disappear faster. He was on his knees, wincing as more pain sliced its way down his lungs. But as more of the pain entered his body, Saber began to feel better. Its okay now; you can open youre eyes.

Saber slowly opened his right eye to make sure it was his mother who called him. When he saw her benign, caring face looking down at him, he opened his left eye. Mommy, what happened?

Andrea immediately wrapped her arms around her sons face and shoved his face into her furry, bleeding chest, blinding him. Lets go Honey. Please promise me you wont look, Andrea said very quietly with hints of sobbing in her voice.

Mommy, why cant I look? Saber asked with his heart hammering against his chest.

Just listen to Mommy. Andrea released her son from her massive hug and began to steer him out of their home with her arms on his shoulders. Saber asked no questions as they walked out into the sandy desert outside, where it was still the middle night. All other Sandslash and Sandshrew slept blissfully in their homes as Andrea led him away from their little village.

Saber kept silent for an entire five minutes as they neared the village boundaries, until he began to feel a warm liquid trickle down his side. He immediately halted and turned to face his mother. Mommy, what was that.

Im sure it was just your imagination. Now, come on and lets leave, Andrea whispered with her own heart hammering her chest.

Instinctively, Saber took one of his sharp nails and rubbed it along his bare back and then held it up to the moonlight. The liquid was scarlet and gleamed in the moonlight. What is this? Saber asked his mother even though he knew the answer.

Andrea hesitated for a moment before finally coming up with an answer. Its Kirima juice. I was cutting some of the fruit before your father and I got in a fight. Now, please lets go!

Saber began to slowly lick the liquid from his nail with his eyes still fixated on his mother, who was cringing at the sight of Saber licking the liquid. Kirima juice is sweet and tangy, this is salty and bitter. And you wouldnt wince at the sight of me licking Kirima juice.

Son

Wheres Daddy?

Lets go!

Not until you tell me where Daddy is!

He left our house after deciding not to kill you. We wont hear from him ever again so dont worry, Andrea whispered, barely attempting to hide the fact she was lying.

Its bad enough Daddy thinks Im useless; now you think Im a moron? Daddy never left the house; I would have seen footprints in the sand, Saber declared to his mother with his tears silently splashing into the sand.

Andrea brought her claws to her face and began to sob. One of the claws was bright scarlet. Saber was too horrified to move; he could not believe it without confirmation. He broke out into a full sprint back to his home.

SABER! COME BACK!

He dashed across the desert, leaving a trail of grey spots in the thick sand. Andrea wasnt too far behind him, but Saber refused to look back until he saw the site with his own eyes. When he was only a few feet away from his home, he heard his mother once more. PLEASE! DONT LOOK! YOU PROMISED ME!

I never promised anything Mother, Saber muttered as he turned to face Andrea before finally entering his home.

The moment that lasted a minute seemed to last a lifetime.

Sure enough, he saw his father sprawled on the floor, squashed into the corner with a puddle of shining blood seeping from his neck. Saber froze on the spot. He knew what he was seeing but could not believe it. He approached the inert carcass to double check.

Hector still had the malevolent glint in his eyes from when he had tried to kill Saber, but this time those eyes had no spark of life. His mouth hung open with small amounts of blood staining his chin. The most prominent change was on his neck. A deep red gash was on his neck, and it looked as if it had been enlarged by having a foreign object twisted around in it. Hector was killed at the claws of Andrea.

Saber looked at his mother who stood in the doorway sobbing uncontrollably. He looked at the scarlet hand that hung at her side. It was not Kirima juice on that hand; it was blood. Blood from his own father stained his mothers arm. The same arm that had rocked Saber as a baby was capable of killing someone in cold blood.

I had no choice Son. He would have killed both you and I, Andrea sniveled as she raised her face toward Saber.

Saber looked at his dead father and his bawling mother back and forth three times. A strange surge of heat shot up and down his veins as he began to comprehend the horrible situation. It all had to be a horrible nightmare that would be over soon. After nearly five minutes, it became clear that Saber would not wake up from the horrible nightmare. The Sandslash raised his claws to his temples and began to scream as loud as he could, nearly puncturing his lungs.

Shush now Saber! We have to get out of here, before any of the neighbors discover this scene. Theyll kill us both if they see Hector death! Andrea whispered into her sons ear as she held him in her arms again.

Saber pushed himself from the bloody claw that attempted to hold him and staggered around the room before he plopped unconscious onto the cold, floor.

Super_Lawliet
June 10th, 2005, 04:09 PM
I'd give this story a ten out of ten. I felt like I was there, the feelings...so amazing!

Casual Billy
June 14th, 2005, 05:29 PM
Strike me will you, *****? Know your position, woman!

with a powerful arm, pinning him against the cold, stone wall of their dwelling.

Pretty sure that the comma between cold and stone is not necessary. The way to tell is this: If you can replace the comma with and, then it works in situations like this one. Like:

pinning him against the tall, cold wall.

Or like this

When he saw her benign, caring face looking down at him (<is definitely correct)

This was a little tricky, though, as I cant tell if its one of those situations or not. Eh.

He gazed around his surroundings and began to ran forward

ran to run.

where it was still the middle night.

Middle of the night?

I had no choice Son.

I had no choice, Son.

if they see Hector death!

Hectors death

Or

Hector dead

unconscious onto the cold, floor.

the commas not necessary.

There were quite a few comma errors that I didnt point out. I think I got an example of the types that I noticed, though. (You can thank Negrek for me getting sharper on commas.)

Overall, it was not a bad start. Its not really the type of fic that I usually read, so maybe my opinion is not the most valuable to you. I just felt that there was no real umsomething that let you know where this fic was headed. I can think of some ramifications of Hectors death, but it would have been nice for you to throw a little hint in there about the kind of trouble theyre in. It wouldve been like a cliffy or something to make a reader want to know just whats gonna happen next. Thats the only real gripe I had. Im interested to see where this does go, though. Ill be back.