PDA

View Full Version : Fanfiction of the Month (December): Hoenn Mirror World (v.3)


Strawberry Delcatty
June 14th, 2005, 04:39 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v250/Ida-chan/fanfic%20banners/hmwbanner3.png

You mightve seen this story before, either the scripted original or the first revision. Well, after quite a bit of planning and help, Im proud to say that Im actually quite pleased with the end result of this version. This time around, Im expecting this to become neither the next Shakespeare nor the next Soul Calibur. Heck, Im not even expecting this to be the next Sonic X. What I am expecting of this story is to be (hopefully) an enjoyable one for its intended magical girl genre.

Special thanks go to Meitantei Isaac, Yamato-san, and ActOnThat for helping me with this.

Strawberry Delcatty
June 14th, 2005, 04:40 PM
CHAPTER 1: The Dark Torchic
Three o clock on a Friday afternoon was the next best thing to summer vacation. For two whole days, the children would not have to worry about coming to Littleroot Academy to read several pages in a textbook or do multiplication assignments. The weekend was near, and everyone talked over their plans.

However, one particular girl did not have this feeling. A black-haired girl with an orange ribbon in her hair walked down the steps like a zombie. She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children. She could not think of the upcoming weekend at all. Instead, the only thing on her mind was how she could have prevented a heartbreaking incident that she saw as the end of the world.

Hey! Earth to Mariah! said the voice of a boy.

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt, Mariah, snapped out of her trance. A boy in a wheelchair tried to look cheerful and rolled up to meet her at the bottom of the steps.

Oh, hey, Mitch, Mariah said unenthusiastically.

The brown-haired boy in the apricot shirt and charcoal sweat pants noticed Mariahs troubled look. He could tell that even though two weeks had passed, Mariah was still in emotional pain. He looked at Mariah and down at the ground.

So Mitch looked up to Mariah again. Anything you want to do over the weekend?

Mariah looked down at the ground. Not really, she replied.

Just then, a girl with milk-chocolate hair who was about Mariahs age joined the two. Her smile faded when she noticed that Mariah was depressed and Mitch appeared unsuccessful at striking up a conversation.

Well, were pretty lively today, the girl finally said.

The gloomy Mariah just sat down on the stairs.

Theres got to be some way to have Mariah get over this, Mitch said. Anything you have in mind, Lisa?

The girl in the pink shirt and jeans, Lisa, shook her head. Like Mitch, Lisa felt that her friend was depressed for too long, but nothing seemed to cheer her up. At one point, the two thought that going on a Pokemon journey together would be a good idea, but Mariah said that she was not interested in a trainer journey anymore. Regardless, Lisa thought about asking Mariah a second time, but Mitch shrugged. Before she could think any further on the matter, a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked past, but stopped when he saw the three.

Oh, hey there, guys, the boy said.

Mitch and Lisa turned to the newcomer. Hey, Brendan, they said in unison.

Brendan reached into his pocket and pulled out four tickets for an anime convention. He handed a ticket to Mitch and Lisa, and Lisas coffee-colored eyes glistened in joy while Mitch appeared to be interested. Even the mention of an anime convention stirred interest in the currently depressed Mariah, who was surprised when Brendan handed her a ticket as well. In response, Mariah gave him a strange look, and Brendans face turned a pale red.

Well, uh I just thought itd be a good idea if the four of us can go, Brendan said, trying to cheer up Mariah. You know, to have fun and stuff.

Mariah continued to look at the ticket. She thought that an event like this would be fun, and she seriously needed a happy moment to help her get over what happened.

Finally, Mariah nodded to Brendan. They, along with Mitch and Lisa, would be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.

***

Mariah, Brendan, Mitch, and Lisa entered the large building as the doors closed behind them. The four of them saw the producers signing autographs to their many fans. Cosplayers stood out to the fans as well as interesting merchandise.

Lisa took out her backpack and got out a stack of autograph cards. Several stands appealed to her interest, but she could not decide on which one to go first. Finally, she just decided to go them as she passed by them. Mariah, Brendan, and Mitch also decided go to whatever stand that seemed interesting to them. After an hour, the four had bought merchandise from various series and a lot of signed autograph cards. They met near a soda machine to talk about what they were going to do next when Brendan looked at his watch.

Oh, shoot! he said after seeing the time. Im late!

Mariah cocked her head in confusion. Late for what?

Brendan stopped and turned to Mariah. Uh, I he said with a nervous laugh, My dad needed me for something, and I almost forgot about it. You guys go on without me! And with that, Brendan left.

Mariah just stood there. Brendan usually did not go to his fathers lab this early on a Saturday. What was going on? Did something come up in Professor Birchs research that needed special attention?

"Hey, Mariah! Take a look at this!" Lisa said, interrupting Mariah's thoughts.

Mariah spun around and saw something that brought a smile to her face: a stand for an anime series called Mimi and the Magical Mirror. The poster for the series had a blond-haired girl in a witch-like outfit flying out of a golden mirror with wings. Beside her was a blue-eyed butterfly Pokemon whose yellow, black, blue and red wings matched the color scheme of the girls outfit.

How cute! Mariah said with a giggle.

Lisa knew how much Mariah liked magical girl series, so she felt that Mariah would be interested. She also noticed how Mariah wasted no time in asking the series creator questions. Mitch motioned to Lisa that Mariah would not want to be bothered, so the two of them left.

As Mariah listened to more about the series, she looked forward to seeing it. The plot about a young girl being magically fused with a Beautifly and entering a mirror world piqued her interest. She continued her conversation about the show when some gray fire-like pellets flew all over the surrounding area. Everyone immediately dropped the ground to avoid being hit. The sprinklers came on and sprouted water to put out the fires, but for some reason, the fire continued to burn.

Mariah worriedly looked around for her friends but had no luck. She did, however, found the attacker: a small, black chick with red eyes.

Tor chic the chick said in a dry, eerie voice.

Mariah wondered why a Pokemon like Torchic would attack a place. Normally, Torchic were kind, gentle, and playful Pokemon. This Torchic, however, appeared filled with anger and vengeance. Mariah felt that something was wrong, so she tried to approach it only to be blasted by more fire pellets. She ended up getting her wrist burned from the Ember attack, but her concern for the evil Pokemon urged her to see what was wrong.

TOR! The black Torchic continued to shoot more fire pellets from its beak as Mariah started to get up. Mariah quickly sidestepped to avoid further harm and continued toward the Torchic.

Its okay, Mariah said soothingly. Im not going to hurt you.

After a brief flinch by the water, the Torchic ran towards Mariah and pecked at her burn, causing her to wince in pain.

What is with you? Mariah demanded, sounding unintentionally harsh.

The Torchic gave her a dark glare and was surrounded in a black aura. A frightened Mariah tried to leave the convention to head to the Pokemon Center when the entire area was suddenly shrouded in darkness. Mariah called out for her friends several times, but no one responded.

What are you? Mariah asked the Torchic. What kind of a monster are you?!

The Torchic just gave Mariah a sinister look as the entire area began to swirl as if everything was in a blender. The Torchic began to dissolve in Mariahs arm as it let out one sinister laugh. Before Mariah could say anything, she collapsed on the floor

***

Hey, Mariah! Mariah, wake up!

Mariah slowly opened her eyes and saw Mitch and Lisa beside her. Sitting up in the lower half of a bunk bed, she noticed her surroundings and realized that she was not at the convention. Instead, she was in a small room in Petalburg Citys Pokemon Center. Just across from the bed Mariah was another bunk bed, and between the two beds was a nightstand.

What happened? Mariah asked her two friends. Wheres that weird Torchic?

Torchic? a confused Lisa asked.

Yeah, Mariah replied. A weird looking Torchic attacked me

Both Mitch and Lisa looked at each other, wondering what happened to Mariah during the blackout. There was no way a Pokemon could have entered the building and attacked anyone.

Sorry, Mariah, Mitch said as he shook his head, but thats a little hard to believe.

Despite the statement, Mariah knew that Mitch, the type of person who believed in the saying innocent until proven guilty, had a point. Mariah lacked any evidence other than the burn on her wrist, but even that did not prove much since a person can be burned by any Fire-type Pokemon.

However, why did the Torchic and the darkness fill Mariah with so much alarm?

Well, its a good thing Mitch and I called our parents about this, Lisa said as she checked her cell phone. They wouldve gone ballistic if we were out at this time of night without a good reason.

What time is it? Mariah asked, looking out the window next to her. It seems pretty late.

Its past eleven, replied Mitch.

Mariahs eyes grew in shock. Past eleven?! She looked out the window again and sighed. Ugh no wonder its dark.

***

The next day, Mariah, Mitch, and Lisa were at a small park in Route 101. The two girls sat on one of the benches while Mitch was in front of them.

Im sorry for ruining everything yesterday, Mariah apologized.

Aw, dont worry about it, Mariah, said Lisa. We had fun while it lasted.

Mariah nodded. Yeah, youre right. I had a good time myself.

Mariahs friends realized that she was gradually going back to her typical cheery self. Perhaps the short time at the anime convention was what she needed. After all, no one could stay unhappy forever.

So, you guys want to hang out at my place? Lisa asked with a smile. Ive got this awesome movie that you guys are going to love.

Mitch thought for a moment, but Mariah hurriedly got up.

Ive almost forgot! said Mariah. I just remembered that Brendan called me a while ago and wanted to meet him in Professor Birchs lab! Ive gotta get going!

With that, Mariah rushed off with a flabbergasted Lisa right behind her. Mitch sighed before he started to roll himself.

I knew I shouldve asked Mom and Dad for a motor, Mitch mumbled. At least then I could keep a decent pace with those two. Well, most of the time.

The three did not take long to arrive back in Littleroot Town. Mariah immediately headed to the lab and knocked on the door. Lisa arrived, and finally Mitch with sore arms from trying to catch up with the girls in his wheelchair. After another set of knocks from Mariah, a man in a lab coat opened the door.

Professor Birch, is Brendan here? inquired Mariah.

Hes waiting for you, Birch replied. In fact, all of us are.

All of us? Mariah stared at Birch.

Yeah, Birch said with a smile. Come in.

The three friends walked into the lab, and what waited for them was unexpected. Brendan walked up to Mariah and handed her a sphere with a button on it. Mariah pressed it, and the ball opened. A white light poured out of it and formed into a green lizard Pokemon.

Treecko, said the Pokemon as he looked at Mariah.

It took a while for Mariah to figure out what was going on, but once it dawned on her, she noticed her father and grandmother sitting at the desk behind Brendan. She smiled weakly at them.

So, Mariah, do you like your surprise? the father asked.

Mariah could not answer the question. She always wanted to go on a Pokemon journey, but she did not want to leave at the moment she turned ten. She planned to leave in order to celebrate a special moment which would never happen.

Mariah, I understand that what happened two weeks ago was painful for you, her grandmother said. But your father and I planned this for quite some time now. Weve talked to Professor Birch about how a trainer journey would help you get over the incident.

There was no response. Even though the intention was good, Mariah felt that going on a journey would do her more harm than good. The incident might reoccur with her Pokemon, causing them to be seriously injured or worse. She could easily tell them that it would not be good for her to go on a journey, but something came to her mind. How would everyone feel if Mariah rejected this? All the time planning for this supposed-to-be joyful event would be wasted, and Mariah was not the kind of girl who would let something like this go to waste.

Mariah looked at the Treecko, her longtime favorite Pokemon that she now met face to face. To her, Treecko was a Pokemon that was ready for adventures. Mariah felt that way, but then that sense of adventure faded away during the two weeks. The Treecko was surprised to see Mariah kneel down on the floor and hug him.

Ill do it Mariah whispered to the Grass-type lizard. Ill do it for their sake.

With Treecko in her arms, she got up and looked at everyone around her.

Ill go on a Pokemon journey, Mariah said.

Everyone felt relieved and happy for Mariah. Even Mitch and Lisa, who wanted to go with her but thought that she would prefer to go alone, felt that she would benefit from the journey.

I always wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer, said Mariah, trying to sound happy, but it wasnt because that I love Pokemon, especially Grass-types. I also never considered doing it so I could be a Pokemon Master either. The reason I wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer was because of something special. There arent a lot of trainers in the Janvi family, but Ill do my best to make the family proud especially Mariah slightly choked on the last word. Mom.

***

With her backpack on her back, a belt holding six Pokeballs around her waist, and PokeNavi in hand, new Pokemon Trainer Mariah Janvi had arrived in Petalburg Woods in hopes of catching Pokemon.

The large trees nearly covered the view of the sky and had the support of their wide trunks firmly in the ground. Flowers and grass dotted the ground, and the scent of pine drifted into Mariah and Treeckos noses. Suddenly, gray fire-like pellets headed toward the two of them, but they evaded the attack by jumping into a bush. As soon as the attack ended, the two looked around to make sure it was safe.

But it was not.

Mariah spotted a familiar Pokemon--the dark Torchic that had attacked her at the anime convention.

The Wood Gecko and the Chick Pokemon met eyes, and a battle appeared to be guaranteed to happen. However, Mariah did not want Treecko to have anything to do with the ominous Torchic. She quickly got out a Pokeball and aimed it at Treecko. A red beam was shot from the ball, but the Grass-type Wood Gecko avoided the beam and headed right for the Torchic.

Treecko! Stop! Mariah cried.

The Torchic once again used Ember at Treecko. It appeared the Treecko swiftly dodged them all, but the embers homed into Treecko and slammed into his back. A badly damaged Treecko landed on the ground, rendered unable to battle by just one attack. Mariah just gazed in horror at her fallen Pokemon.

You okay? she asked. Treecko whined.

The Torchic ran away, but it did not go unnoticed. Mariah recalled her injured Treecko back in his Pokeball and went after the Torchic. After a long chase, they reached the end of the forest where a rainbow light suddenly shone from the ground. Both Mariah and the Torchic had to close their eyes to avoid becoming blind. They lost their footing due to a sudden tremor, and they somehow started to fall into the quickly spreading light

End of Chapter 1

IceKing
June 14th, 2005, 05:13 PM
To be honest, I dont really see a huge difference between this version and previous one. Its all right, but it doesnt really have me going "WOW!" yet. I thought their coudl have been a better transition scene from the schoolhouse to the anime convention, she arrived at the anime convention rather suddenly. Nice scene with the creator of Magic Mirror GIrl, put yourself in there I see, but it was also kind of random. You need more description and detail in parts of the chapter, especially the anime convention. It seemed rather rushed. The different scenes of teh chapter didn't fit together that well either. I personalyl liked the second revision the best.

Not your best work. 5/10

Strawberry Delcatty
June 15th, 2005, 02:26 PM
To be honest, I dont really see a huge difference between this version and previous one. Its all right, but it doesnt really have me going "WOW!" yet. I thought their coudl have been a better transition scene from the schoolhouse to the anime convention, she arrived at the anime convention rather suddenly. Nice scene with the creator of Magic Mirror GIrl, put yourself in there I see, but it was also kind of random. You need more description and detail in parts of the chapter, especially the anime convention. It seemed rather rushed. The different scenes of teh chapter didn't fit together that well either. I personalyl liked the second revision the best.

Not your best work. 5/10
I will admit that it's slow paced, but that's because the pacing in the scripted version and the last revision was horrible. I'm surprised that no one other than Yamato-san and frostweaver pointed this out. Compare this first chapter with the one of the last revision. In both that and the scripted version, I had Mariah get her first Pokemon, end up Mirror Hoenn, meet Mirror Mariah, battle three Poochyena (which was pretty stupid and unrealistic after I took a good look at that), transform, and defeat a Magma Sorceror all in one chapter. I don't know about you, but I've realized that it was WAY too much to pack into one chapter.

Also, the last revision wasn't all that a revision at all until chapter 4. Another thing that was pointed out to me that it may be possible for someone to read up to chapter 3 and lose interest reading it. After I read the scripted version of Pocket Monster Chronicles and the old version, I realized that the last HMW "revision" was more of a pathetic conversion from script to narrative.

I hope I haven't offended you, but I just had to give my two cents.

Miyu-chan
June 17th, 2005, 03:56 PM
Wow, I love this version. You've defiantly came a long way.

Adding the anime convention was a nice plus, I can't wait to see where the Mirror world comes in place.

However... I think I've figured out something... about your decription... try to use other terms to describe your character, it gets confusing when I see the same terms/words/colors applying to many different people. EX: However, one particular girl did not have this feeling. A black-haired girl with an orange ribbon in her hair walked down the steps like a zombie. She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children. She could not think of the upcoming weekend at all. Instead, the only thing on her mind was how she could have prevented a heartbreaking incident that she saw as the end of the world.

Hey! Earth to Mariah! said the voice of a boy.

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt snapped out of her trance. A boy in a wheelchair, trying to look cheerful, rolled up to meet her at the bottom of the steps.

Oh, hey, Mitch, Mariah said without much enthusiasm.

The brown-haired boy in the orange (term appeared twice. o.o I suggest possibly replacing the orange in Mariah's ribbon to -> apricot?) shirt and black (Term appeared twice, again... substitute it with perhaps... charcoal?) sweat pants noticed Mariahs troubled look. He could tell that even though two weeks have passed, Mariah was still in emotional pain. He looked at Mariah and down at the ground.

So Mitch looked up to Mariah again. Anything you want to do over the weekend?

Mariah looked down on the ground. Not really, she replied.

Just then, a dark brown-haired (Also try re-arranging your wording. Maybe.. "a girl with hair the color of milk chocolate"?) girl who was about Mariahs age joined the two. Her smile faded when she noticed that Mariah was depressed and Mitch appeared unsuccessful in making a successful topic.

Well, were pretty lively today, the girl finally said.

The gloomy Mariah just sat down on the stairs.

Theres got to be some way to have Mariah get over this, Mitch said, Anything you have in mind, Lisa?

The dark brown-haired girl (no need to state this twice. o.o) in the pink shirt and jeans shook her head. Like Mitch, Lisa felt that her friend was depressed for too long, but nothing seemed to cheer her up. At one point, the two thought that going on a Pokemon Journey together would be a good idea, but Mariah said that she was not interested in a trainer journey anymore. Regardless, Lisa thought about asking Mariah a second time, but Mitch shrugged. Before she could think any further on the matter, a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked by until he saw the three.


Anyways... http://thesaurus.reference.com/ are our friends. xD My suggestions are just suggestions, but I personally feel that it'll make the reading smoother. xD

Can't wait for the next one. x3

Shuko
June 17th, 2005, 09:46 PM
Wow! I like it! I think that the way that you set up your character was very well-done; she has a lot of depth and facets in her personality that jive well together. Although her moods shifted a bit from one scene to another, it wasn't drastic, and it wasn't out of place. I never got to see the earlier revisions, but this one looks to me like it's coming along swimmingly.

Now for the nitpicky stuf. :P First of all, I did notice a few tiny grammatical errors here and there. I'll give you only one example, though I didn't find too many:


Finally, Mariah nodded to Brendan. They, along with Mitch and Lisa, will be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.


I saw this more than twice. You've missed your tenses in a couple of places. As in this example, you'd set this paragraph in the past tense, and you were having Mariah reflect on an event that would happen in the future. I can't exactly remember the gramatical term for that tense, but I believe your verb should have been phrased thus: would be going. You could also use "were going to go," but that sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? Lol. Anyway, that's one of a few occurrences. I won't list more. You'll be able to find them yourself. ^_~

All in all, I think it's turning out to be a very solid story. If I was the one writing it, I'd go ahead and move on to the next chapter. That way you wouldn't have to keep me waiting. >=3

Strawberry Delcatty
June 22nd, 2005, 08:00 PM
Thanks, Miyu-chan and Shuko. I really wanted to make sure that this version stands out the most. Hopefully, I'm setting my standards higher than I did when I was writing the other two versions.

MARIAH'S CURRENT POKEMON: Treecko

CHAPTER 2: Where am I?
After what seemed like an endless fall, Mariah woke up and found herself in the middle of a dirt path separating several patches of grass. She wondered how the bizarre light had taken her out of Petalburg Forest and into wherever she was. Using her PokeNavi to find out where she was seemed like a good idea. When she reached for her backpack, however, her eyes grew wide in shock.

Huh?! Whered my backpack go?!

Mariah frantically looked around her to see where she dropped her backpack, but she failed to find it. Could she have lost it in the portal? Even worse, what if the Torchic stole it? She started to feel furious, but then she noticed that the Torchic was not around. After calling for it a few times, she sighed. She had just started on her journey, and already things were going wrong. Her Treecko was badly injured, and now she was in the middle of nowhere.

Treecko suddenly came to Mariahs mind again, and she immediately felt around her waist. Thankfully, her Pokeballs were not lost, and she sighed in relief. Still, it was not enough to make her feel better about the situation. Where was she? What happened to her backpack and the Torchic? Would she be able to have Treecko healed before it was too late?

Hey, there, a cheery voice said. Why do you look so sad?

Mariah turned behind her to see a pink-haired girl jogging in place.

Hi, Mariah said. Do you know where I could find a Pokemon Center?

The girl stopped jogging and gave Mariah a strange look. A Pokemon Center? What do you need those for? Cant you heal your Pokemon yourself?

Well, I dont have any Potions on me, Mariah replied.

At least you have some Maxim Berries on you, right? the girl asked.

Mariah raised an eyebrow. Maxim Berries? I dont remember hearing about those.

The girl could not believe that Mariah had never heard of Maxim Berries. Seeing that Mariah needed help, however, she reached into her cherry-colored hip bag and handed her five round berries, each a different color.

You can find more of these all over the place. The girl began to jog in place again. Id love to tell you more, but I have to finish my jog. By the way, Littleroot Village isnt too far from here. There arent any Pokemon Centers there, but perhaps Sorcerer Birch and his son might help you out with your problem in case the berries dont work. Anyway, you need to be a little more careful when youre in a tight spot. See ya!

As the girl jogged out of view, Mariah felt uncomfortable about using the berries. They might help Treecko, but they might make his condition worse. Although the girl made it sound like they were safe and helpful, she did not want to take any unnecessary risks. She put the berries away in her skirt pocket and headed for Littleroot Town or, according to the girl, Littleroot Village.

Calling Littleroot Village did not make a lot of sense to Mariah. A village was less populated than a town, and it would seem strange if a lot of residents just moved out the moment she left. Whatever the case, the girl had assured her that Professor Birch and Brendan would be there to help her.

But then there was another thing that bothered Mariah. Sorcerer Birch since when did Professor Birch specialized in magic? Professor Birch would not be the type of person who studied something like magic. Also, he never healed Pokemon unless it was an emergency because his fieldwork took up most of his time.

Eventually, Mariah arrived at Littleroot Village, but something astonished her upon her entry.

Unlike the familiar Littleroot Town, the houses in Littleroot Village were dome-shaped with windows, a chimney, and a door with a star-shaped knob. Upon closer inspection, they were no more than twice Mariahs size. The mailboxes standing beside them were dome-shaped as well and bore a symbol of a star within a heart below the open slot. Mariah wondered what kind of place she was in until one particular building caught her eye. It was much bigger and was not half a giant sphere like the others, but vines covered the bottom area of the sides and the back. Wondering if that was where Sorcerer Birch lived, Mariah headed to the building and knocked on the front door.

The sound of metal sliding made Mariah slightly step back. From an open slot peered a pair of familiar brown eyes.

Whos there? a male voice asked.

Mariah recognized the voice right away. Brendan?

Suddenly, the slot closed, and the wooden door opened. There stood Brendan Birch, and he appeared rather surprised by Mariahs appearance.

G-g-guardian Mariah? I uh Brendans face quickly turned red. Guardian Mariah, I never expected you to be here. P-please come in. That is, if you want to.

The place was getting stranger with each minute. Mariah just came to the village, and Brendan mistook her for a guardian of something. Still, she tried to explain the situation in Petalburg Woods to him, but he seemed a lot more confused than he was when he saw her.

You want me to heal your Treecko? Brendan asked with a raised brow. Thats weird. Being the Guardian of Hoenn, you should be able to heal your own Pokemon. Plus, I always thought that you had a Mudkip. And whats this Petalburg Woods?

I never had a Mudkip, Mariah told him firmly but politely. And I cant heal my Pokemon, so thats why I came to you. Also, since when did you forget about Petalburg Woods? Its the forest near Petalburg City.

Brendan shook his head. The last time I checked, theres no Petalburg City or Petalburg Woods here. Theres a Moonlight City near Petalburg Thicket. I think youre referring to either that or the Petalburg Mansion.

Theres no Petalburg Mansion in Petalburg City! Mariah replied.

And theres no Petalburg City here! Brendan retorted. Are you sure that youre the Guardian of Hoenn? Im getting the impression that youre a fake.

Mariah sighed. Look, lets just go in and have my Treecko healed, okay? I dont want to waste time with an argument.

Brendan just moaned before he entered the building. Mariah followed behind him.

The inside of the building was dimly lit by a single lamp dangling from the ceiling. Various books and liquids in beakers rested on a long wooden table, and a shelf with Pokeballs in holes stood against the metal wall. Mariah let out a soft gasp upon seeing her surroundings.

Brendan got out a small machine from under the table and opened its glass cover.

Put your Treeckos Pokeball in one of the holes, Brendan told her.

Mariah took Treeckos Pokeball from her belt and placed it on the lower left-hand hole. Brendan closed the machine, and a soft humming sound was heard, followed by a glow.

It shouldnt take too long, said Brendan.

Mariah thought back to what happened a while ago. This Guardian of Hoenn that Brendan mentioned raised a lot of questions. Who was she, and how could someone like Mariah be easily mistaken for her? Also, it seemed that the Guardian had special healing powers, which Mariah tried to explain that she lacked. The Guardian sounded powerful from what she could figure out, but why would she have a Mudkip instead of powerful Pokemon?

Also, why were there places like Petalburg Mansion and Moonlight City? Those places never existed in Hoenn. Could the portal in Petalburg Woods have taken her to another world?

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. Mariah turned to see that the machine was slowly losing its glow. Brendan opened the case and gave Treeckos Pokeball back to Mariah. Mariah sighed in relief and decided to let her Pokemon out. After the white light dimmed down, Mariah heard something she never expected to hear

Ahhh the Wood Gecko Pokemon sighed after a stretch. That felt really good.

Mariah stared at Treecko in pure disbelief before fainting.

***

A few hours later, Mariah slowly opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was that she was in a small room. On the bed with her were Treecko and a Pokemon with carroty fins on her face looking at her with concerned expressions.

What what happened? said a dazed Mariah.

You fainted, said Treecko.

Mariah shot up and gaped at her talking Pokemon. It was not possible for Pokemon to talk at all, so the whole thing must be a dream Was it?

Whats the matter? the blue Pokemon asked. You look like youve never seen Pokemon talk before.

I havent Mariah replied in a shaky voice.

The Mudkip sighed. And I thought Brendans friend was strange

Maxim Berries, Professor Birch into sorcery, dome-shaped houses, being mistaken for the Guardian of Hoenn, talking Pokemon Mariah figured out that she was not even on Earth anymore. She was either in a parallel universe or a crazy dreamland maybe a combination of both. One thing was for sure: she was not in the Hoenn she knew and loved.

Just tell me one thing, Mariah said to the Mudkip. Where am I? And how can Treecko talk?

Youre in Hoenn, said Brendan as he entered the room with a bowl of pink, red, yellow, and green candies with smiling faces on them. He placed the bowl on the nightstand, and Mudkip was the first to help herself. Treecko slightly hesitated but eventually took a taste and appeared to like it.

Mariah shook her head. That cant be possible. The last time I checked, there were no Maxim Berries, Professor Birch couldnt do magic, Littleroot Town didnt look like a weird bubble bath, and Im not the Guardian of Hoenn! I dont know what happened in that portal in Petalburg Woods, but I know Im not in Hoenn anymore. At least, not mine.

Brendan was confused by this. The Hoenn that he knew had the things that Mariah mentioned, yet he was under the impression that she had never been here.

So, tell me, Brendan said, wanting to confirm his thoughts. Where exactly did you come from?

Mariah felt uneasy but felt this was her only chance to prove herself. She took a candy, and appeared pleased by its taste that spread with each chew. After eating it, she felt calm and turned to Brendan. I came from Littleroot Town in Hoenn, she told him. Ive just got my Treecko from Professor Birch. I was going to start my Pokemon Journey later, but everyone thought itd be best if I go now. I didnt want to upset them, so I went with it. I was hoping to capture and train a few Pokemon before I head off to the first Gym, but then this dark Torchic appeared. Treecko got badly hurt, so I had to get it healed. Suddenly, this weird light appeared, and the next thing I know, Im here.

A dark Torchic? Brendan said. Come to think of it, there have been some signs of a dark Torchic running around here as well.

Mariah was now worried. Her Hoenn was not the only area that the dark Torchic roamed. However, the Hoenn that she was in right now was too unfamiliar, and she needed to know as much about it as possible in order to get closer to the Torchic.

So, Brendan Mariah said, after taking a deep breath. What is this Hoenn like?

Brendan cleared his throat. Well, Ive been traveling to help my dad out in his studies of Pokemon and magic ever since Ive got my Mudkip. Seeing that youve recently got your Treecko, Im guessing its a newborn.

Treecko shook his head upon hearing Brendans last sentence. Not really. I was caught by some burly man in a white coat, but I remember being born more than half a year ago.

Thats weird, Brendan replied, suddenly facing Treecko. New trainers usually start off with newborn Pokemon. He turned back to Mariah. Also, this Gym youve mentioned Why do you go to it in your Hoenn?

To earn a Gym Badge, Mariah stated. If I get all eight, I can compete in the Hoenn League.

Well, if thats the case, trainer journeys are a lot different here, Brendan said. The purpose of a Pokemon Journey is to reflect on who you are. There are challenges that will test your strength, skill, wisdom, and courage. If you managed to complete them, youll get a Heart Star. Once you get all four, you can wish for anything that you want.

Mariah became interested in these Heart Stars. However, going on the journey that Brendan mention sounded like a difficult challenge in itself. He did not mention anything about someone giving the challenges at all. Were these challenges given by nature itself?

Plus, why do trainers start out with newborn Pokemon? Mariah was under the impression that they depended on their parents, as well as being very weak at first. She then remembered, however, how easy to train newborns were, and how often they learn powerful moves inherited from parents. Despite all the benefits, she still found all of this a little hard to believe.

Brendan, studying Mariahs expression, moaned. Maybe this should persuade you.

He went into the other room and returned with a star-shaped mirror with a golden frame. He handed the mirror to Mariah. Star Oracle, show this girl her future!

The frame began to glow brightly for a brief moment but died down just as quickly. Mariah was confused, and Brendan, peering from the side, was starting to worry. Just then, Mariah noticed a small crack at the top point of the mirror.

Uh Brendan? Mariah began, pointing at the crack.

Brendan took the mirror and had a puzzled look on his face. This is weird. No wonder the Star Oracle couldnt tell your fortune. How come its broken?

Mudkip and Treecko stopped eating the candies. Did you leave it next to the healing machine again? Mudkip asked in slight annoyance.

No, I didnt, said Brendan in embarrassment. It shouldnt have broken this easily, though. I had it fixed last weekend. He took another look at the crack. Even though it was not serious, he felt that it should be fixed as quickly as possible. Finally, he started to head out the door with Mudkip behind him, but stopped and turned to Mariah and Treecko.

Im going to see my dad to see if he can fix my Star Oracle, Brendan told Mariah and Treecko. You can come along if you want.

Feeling that it would be better than staying behind and doing nothing, Mariah and Treecko went with him.

***

Walking down the dirt path with Brendan and his Mudkip, Mariah thought about the recent happenings. Being in a different Hoenn was weird enough, but what really threw her off was how differently things worked. From what Brendan told her, Trainers did not get either a first stage Grass-, Fire-, or Water-type Pokemon from Sorcerer Birch. Also, it seemed that they did not battle Gyms, if they even existed in this Hoenn. Another thing was that mirrors that could predict the future surely did not exist in her Hoenn.

Hold on, Brendan said, suddenly stopping in his tracks. The fin on his Mudkips head wobbled back and forth a few times. Something was happening up ahead.

Whats going on? Mariah asked.

Mudkip and I sense something, replied Brendan. Doesnt feel like any run-of-the-mill magic around here. He turned to his Mudkip, but the mud fish Pokemon merely shrugged.

Mariah wondered if the Torchic had something to do with what Brendan and his Mudkip had just sensed. She was about to ask the two of them when she noticed that they had run off. Wasting no time, she and Treecko followed them to a large grassy field. The two children and Pokemon saw a large man in a robe being chased by a spiky raccoon and a small gray hyena.

No! the man cried. Stop it! Get away!

Suddenly tripping over a rock and noticing he was under a cliff, the man grew uneasy as he saw no means of escaping from the two Pokemon. He motioned them to stay back, yet they slowly moved forward with intimidating looks.

Fresh prey the raccoon Pokemon said with a hiss.

Unable to watch the situation any longer, Brendan ran towards the man with his Mudkip following him. The two opposing Pokemon saw Brendan upon his arrival, and Mudkip stepped up to battle.

This isnt normal at all, Brendan said to himself. Theres something not right about that Poochyena and Zigzagoon I sense somethingevil from them

Hey, Brendan, Mudkip said to her trainer. Whats your strategy? I cant fight both of them by myself!

Brendan, seeing that Mudkip was right, saw Mariah with her Treecko. Hey, he said. Have your Treecko battle with my Mudkip! That way, itll be two against two!

Treecko started to run off until he felt someone holding him by the tail. He turned to see who it was and became angry.

What are you doing, Mariah?! Treecko demanded.

Sorry, Treecko, but I dont want you to fight, Mariah said sternly. I dont want to get hurt like you did when that Torchic attacked you.

Treecko clenched his fist. They need our help!

Mariah shook her head in response. She knew that she should fight, but if the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were anything like the Torchic, then the incident would happen all over again. What if all the Pokemon in this Hoenn were like the Torchic? If that was the case, Mariah would have to protect Treecko with her life.

Mudkip cant handle this herself, you know! Brendan snapped. You seriously need to get over whatever scared you and fight!

But that Torchic Mariah looked up at Brendan and then down at the ground. That Torchic is the reason Im here in the first place. I really dont want Treecko to be hurt. Please. I dont want Treecko to fight.

Brendan growled in frustration. Fine! Mudkip and I will handle this ourselves!

Mudkip sorrowfully looked at Mariah holding Treecko back, and then turned back at her opponents.

Okay, Mudkip, Brendan said as he pointed ahead of him. Use your--

Before the command came out of his mouth, a black aura surrounded the Poochyena. It leaped toward the unsuspecting Mudkip and slammed right into her with incredible force. The Pokemon landed right next to a stunned Brendans ankle, knocked out in one hit.

Mariah found the sheer power of the Tackle attack unbelievable. She, Brendan, Treecko, Mudkip, and Birch knew that something was obviously wrong.

Dad, Brendan said as he turned to the man in the robe. Why couldnt you use your magic to stop those Pokemon?

For some reason, it was suddenly sealed as soon as those Pokemon showed up, replied the man.

Mariah could not believe it. If the mans magic was sealed and Brendans Mudkip was defeated in a single hit, then she felt that she did the right thing in not letting Treecko fight. She sighed in relief until she saw that the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were approaching her.

Run! Brendan cried.

Get away before its too late! Brendans father yelled.

Mariah wanted to run, but she could not. Zigzagoon and Poochyena were right in front of her, and the dark auras flared around their bodies. Treecko tried to break free from Mariahs grip, but his trainer just held on tighter and shut her eyes, hoping that she would wake up from this horrible dream.

Frozen in fear the Poochyena said with an evil grin. Its fun to see the prey squirm before you attack it

The Poochyena opened its mouth, revealing many sharp teeth. Mariah shuddered, knowing that the Bite attack would do some serious, if not lethal, damage. She tried to get up and run again but was paralyzed out of fear.

Just then, there was a twinkle in the sky, and a bright light was shot at the Poochyena. The hyena Pokemon barely dodged it, and it looked up to see where it was coming from.

Another light fell from the sky, but instead it formed into another Mudkip. At first it appeared that the Mudkip attacked with the light, but it did not seem possible for him to have done so. Just then, what appeared to be an angel slowly descended from the sky and landed behind her Pokemon.

You said the angel to Mariah, despite not facing her. Lets battle these Pokemon.

Mariah shook her head at this. Those Pokemon will knock your Mudkip out with just one attack! We dont stand a chance! Besides, I dont want Treecko to be hurt again!

The angel looked at Mariah directly, and Mariah gasped in shock upon seeing the angels face. It was almost exactly like hers. In fact, the angel looked almost exactly like her.

I already know how powerful these possessed Pokemon could be, the angel continued. A little while ago, my Mudkip lost to a dark Torchic, but did I give up after that? Do I, the Guardian of Hoenn, just surrender to whoevers behind this just because of a loss despite my type-advantage? Do I just sit in a dark corner and cry? No! I continue to investigate on the matter so I can learn more about whats going on.

Mariah loosened her grip on her Treeckos tail.

I dont know about you, Mariahs angel-winged double told her, but I suggest that you at least help me out here.

Mariah thought about what the angel just told her. Her refusal to help Brendan caused his Mudkip to get badly hurt. Even Treecko tried to make her realize that she should fight, yet the Wood Gecko Pokemon was held back because of the encounter with the black Torchic. Instead of learning from the incident, Mariah wanted to run away from it.

Mariah let go of Treeckos tail, got up, and stood next to her angelic counterpart, whose Pokemon was ready to fight.

Treecko, Mariah said to her Pokemon. Lets go.

End of Chapter 2

IceKing
June 23rd, 2005, 06:10 PM
That chapter was much better in my opinion. My favorite part was how you portrayed Mariah's feelings of uncertainty in whether to let her Treeko battle or not. Emotions were pretty good. My gripe with this chapter was that I didnt really feel their reactions were that realistic. Woudlnt have Guardian Mariah freaked out when seeing her doppelganger? I know I would even if I was angelic. Seemed kinda rushed in places too. But overall this was still MUCH better and you are definetely improving. This fic really does interest me, I hope you continue.

6.5/10

Strawberry Delcatty
June 24th, 2005, 04:32 PM
My gripe with this chapter was that I didnt really feel their reactions were that realistic. Woudlnt have Guardian Mariah freaked out when seeing her doppelganger? I know I would even if I was angelic.
Well, that's going to be explained in a later chapter.

Lily
June 27th, 2005, 07:10 PM
Hmm...not much to say considering other people said it for me. o_O;

However, it's true the Anime convention was a nice add-on, as well as your weaker points steadily growing stronger. Take in mind everything must not be described blatantly as possible, but with a variety of words. Like Miyu-chan kindly showed you, you seemed to use the same adjectives. Try to differentiate for once. It makes everything more enjoyable to read. ^^'

Others- You seem to confuse the present/past tense. >.>;

Well, the only real fault is your blunt details...try using a thesaurus, and help the reactions be portrayed with more emphasis. The good thing about this is, I still love the plot. ^^ I would love to see more of Mariah's reactions, though.

Nice job. =D

Strawberry Delcatty
June 27th, 2005, 09:17 PM
Still can't believe that I have the problem with tense, description, and lack of emphasis...

Well, I'm glad that I'm improving in some areas of weakness. We'll should probably see how the next chapter fares.

Datriot
June 29th, 2005, 12:17 AM
Yeah, this is a really good story.:)

Strawberry Delcatty
July 15th, 2005, 08:04 PM
MARIAHS CURRENT POKEMON: Treecko

CHAPTER 3: The Magical Hoenn Mirror Girl
With a potentially tough battle ready to start on a small grass route, Mariahs Treecko and the angels Mudkip were determined to win. Their foes showed indifference toward them as they took a step forward.

Mudkip, use Water Gun on Zigzagoon now! the angel commanded.

The mud fish let out a cry. He inhaled deeply and shot a small but powerful blast of water at the prickly raccoon. Zigzagoon, however, went into a sprinting position and leaped up almost immediately once the attack was just a foot away. Seeing the water splattering on the spot the Zigzagoon was, Mudkip stopped his attack.

Treecko, use your Pound attack on Poochyena! Mariah ordered.

Treecko nodded and jumped toward the gray hyena Pokemon. He quickly spun around to hit the Poochyena with his thick tail, but Poochyena retaliated by opening his mouth and clamping on Treeckos tail with purple fangs. The Wood Gecko cried out in pain from the Poison Fang attack. After Poochyena let go of Treeckos tail, Zigzagoon tackled the grass-type lizard, sending him skidding across the ground. Mudkip managed to help Treecko by getting into his path, catching him with his forepaws, and slowing him to a stop.

You okay? the Mudkip asked.

Treecko shook his head hard, but paused for a moment. He was surprised that he was still able to battle, whereas Brendans Mudkip was knocked out in one hit. He thought that it was luck at first, but then he recalled briefly feeling a strange, warm feeling a while ago. Still, he had to focus on the battle as the Zigzagoon and Poochyena, surrounded by strange dark auras, charged toward him and Mudkip. Fortunately, they evaded their opponents assaults by jumping out of the way and landing behind them.

Angel Mariah knew that normal tactics would not work, so she turned to Mariah and whispered a plan in her ear. Mariah felt that the plan was risky but was willing to try anything since the battle was not in her favor.

Okay, Mudkip, said the angel, use Ice Ball on Poochyena now!

Got it! Mudkip curled into a ball and rolled toward the furry hyena as a bluish-white glow surrounded his body. Seeing that his partner was the mud fishs objective, Zigzagoon jumped into Mudkips path. He swatted his opponent back with his tail, and the force made Mudkip fly towards Treecko.

However, Mariah saw this as an opportunity to strike back. Treecko! Use Pound to send Mudkip back at Poochyena!

Beginning to see the strategy, Treecko jumped up and hit Mudkip with his tail. Mudkip, still in ball form, zoomed straight toward Zigzagoon. The spiky raccoon could not counterattack, leaving him open for the Ice Ball attack to connect to his stomach. Mudkip bounced off, and Poochyena gaped as his partner, rendered unable to battle, landed next to him.

The gray hyena glared at his opponents. Youll pay for this!

The enraged Poochyena raced toward Mudkip with glowing purple fangs. Attempting to dodge, Mudkip hopped to the side, but Poochyena bit the unsuspecting Mudkips tail. Aside from wincing and moaning in pain, the Mudkip shivered violently from suddenly being poisoned.

Mudkip, try a Water Gun! the angel Mariah ordered.

Treecko! Use Absorb to help out Mudkip! Mariah said, seeing that Mudkip was in trouble.

The exhausted and poisoned Mudkip turned his head to face Poochyena, who was still clamped on his tail. He fired another stream of water from his mouth, but the Bite Pokemon let go of his tail and jumped out of the way from the attack.

Suddenly, Poochyena glowed a bright green and plunked to the ground. He wondered what was going on, for he could not be affected by Psychic-type attacks. He looked over to Treecko, who appeared to be inhaling through a large olive sphere in his mouth. The Bite Pokemon continued to grow weaker and weaker until he was unable to get back up.

Before Mariah and her angel twin could feel content with their win, a black vapor rose from the Pokemon and into the air. The vapor split apart and formed into bird-like creatures about the size of Mudkip. Almost immediately after forming, the birds flew off into the distance.

What was that? Mariah asked in a shaky voice.

Must be one of those warning signs, the angel Mariah told her. She looked ahead in the direction the birds were going as a red heart-shaped bag appeared in her hand. She then unzipped a star-shaped compartment of her bag and got out something similar to the Maxim Berries that Mariah had received. Without wasting another second, she kneeled down to her injured Pokemon and fed him the pink Maxim Berry. The mud fish, fully recovered, perked up.

The bag vanished, and a blue crystal Pokeball appeared in its place. You need a rest after that battle, Mudkip, the angel said. We need to be at full strength in case we find another possessed Pokemon. A shining beam shot out of the Pokeballs button and made contact with Mudkip. The Pokemon transformed into a sparkling silhouette of light before it was reeled into the ball.

So, uh Mariah began, evidently full of questions.

My names Mariah, but I dont have time to talk, the angel said after clipping the marble-sized Pokeball onto her necklace. Those weird looking birds are heading toward the Oldale Shrine. If Im lucky, I might find out whos behind this.

Mariah held out her hand and started to call for her, but the angel flew off before she could have a chance to say anything. Unfortunately, it was bad timing because she had a lot of questions to ask, mainly about the possessed Pokemon. Who actually possessed them, and how many of them have fallen victim to the mind control? How did being possessed by this individual give extra power to normally weak attacks like Tackle and Bite? What was the purpose of the vapor that transformed into a flock of birds?

The angelic look alike also came to Mariahs mind. She looked a lot like Mariah and even shared the same name. This other Mariah appeared to have heard of her before, yet Mariah did not know about her existence until recently. She appeared to be a strong Pokemon trainer as well compared to Mariah, who was just a beginner. Perhaps other Mariah knew a lot, if not everything, about this Hoenn since she was its Guardian.

Mariahs mind was made up. In order to get the answers she needed, she must head to the Oldale Shrine.

As Mariah left with Treecko following, Brendan looked the direction they were headed and back at his father, who shook his head. In Brendans eyes, on the other hand, the birds appeared familiar

***

Mirror Mariah landed in front of a large dome-roofed shrine. None of the birds were in sight, much to her surprise and relief. She took a look around for anything suspicious before she entered the temple known as the Oldale Shrine.

The first thing Mirror Mariah saw upon entering was the outdoor light being reflected at her. After shielding her eyes and finding out what it was that was reflecting the light back at her, she followed the light with her steps echoing through the building as each foot landed on the marble floor.

She arrived in front of a mirror box on top of a platform. Opening the box revealed a golden wand with a winged Pokeball had six gems on the top red part on it, and with it were six marble-sized Pokeballs that were in different colors. She took the wand out of its box and looked at it sorrowfully until she suddenly heard soft, dark laughter. She quickly turned around.

Whos there?! Show yourself!

A man, whose identity was partially concealed by the darkness, stood at the entrance. He and Mirror Mariah walked over to each other in the center of the building.

A ball of fire appeared in the mans open palm upon seeing the Guardian, and its light revealed him to be wearing a red robe. Upon seeing a symbol of three mountains together making an M on the robe, Mirror Mariah put the wand back into its box, and another wand with six clear diamonds dotted the top of a white, angel-winged Pokeball formed in her hand.

Whats someone like you doing here?! Mirror Mariah asked, ready to attack at any moment.

The man did not respond, but instead jumped back and threw the fireball right at his target. Mirror Mariah flew out of the way, but the fireball narrowly hit the feathery tip of her white, angel-like wings. She winced at the slight burn and saw that another fireball was heading toward her. She dodged again and fought back by shooting a bright beam from the wands diamonds. Unfortunately, the attack was negated when it made contact with a fiery dome-shaped shield. It dissolved when Mirror Mariahs attack ended, revealing that it was the robed man who created the barrier.

Do you think that weak little thing will be enough to stop me? the man asked his airborne opponent. He shot a fireball at Mirror Mariahs wand, and the flames covered it to the point where Mirror Mariah had to let it go. With her main weapon damaged, Mirror Mariah had to leave it for the time being and resort to using the other wand.

I dont have a clue why the Magma Magicians would want to destroy the Mirror Wand, the Guardian said. Especially since its already in bad enough shape as it is after one of you stole it!

The Magma Magician, ignoring Mirror Mariah, looked behind the Guardian to focus his attention on a large golden-framed mirror with wings. Yes the ultimate goal for revenge against the Sovereign

Upon hearing revenge and sovereign, the Guardian aimed the Mirror Wand right in the Magma Magicians face. A blast of rainbow light erupted from the wands gems, and the crimson-robed magician yelled as he shut his eyes from the brightness. However, Mirror Mariah appeared to be unable to control the attack very well as it appeared that the rainbow light went in several different directions.

The Magma Magician, however, had something else in mind. He broke free from the rainbow attack and raised up his arm with the bare palm of his hand facing Mirror Mariah. At first, Mirror Mariah raised an eyebrow, wondering what her opponent was doing. Just then, all of the rainbow lights vanished. Mirror Mariah collapsed on the floor, pulled by a powerful force. Each time she tried to resist it, the force pulled her harder. She looked up to the Magma Magician only to have her head forcefully pulled on the ground.

Mirror Mariah felt a brief chill before a flash of light surrounded her. Her Pokeball barrettes and peach-colored ribbon vanished along with her angel wings. The white ribbon with a Pokeball in the middle faded away, and the pale rose sleeveless shirt and white skirt turned into a yellow shirt with a matching medium-length skirt. In place of white high-heeled shoes were plain butter-colored sandals. The light faded, and Mirror Mariah fell unconscious.

The Guardian of Hoenn is a mere young girl without her powers, said the Magma Magician with a sinister laugh, believing he had won. The first phase is complete.

***

Mariah and Treecko finally arrived at the Oldale Shrine, ever closer to finding the Guardian and the answers to their many questions about the bizarre world. After getting inside, however, Mariah and Treecko had to shield their eyes from a bright light. They quickly moved to the other side of the strange, dimly lit shrine and hid behind a marble pillar. Looking ahead, Mariah and Treecko saw an open mirror box on a platform. Mariah whispered to Treecko that she had never seen anything like a shrine in the middle of nowhere. The Wood Gecko felt the same, but then he pointed out something to Mariah.

The mirror Mariah, no longer in her angel form, lay on the ground with a burning wand beside her and another one in her hand. An eerie man in a red robe was approaching her. What happened to the mirror Mariah, and what did that man want from her? It could be possible that he would be after the Pokeball wand or maybe even the former angel Mariah herself, but why? Whatever the case, Mariah did not want the strange man to get either.

Treecko, Mariah whispered. Try to get that wand in that mirror Mariahs hand, and try to put out that fire on the other one.

The Wood Gecko nodded and jumped toward a wall. He crawled quickly and quietly past the scarlet-robed man and ended up next to the other Mariah. As the man took the wand out of former angels hand, he let out a soft, dark laugh.

The legendary Mirror Wand the man said to himself. One of the special items the Sovereign made to keep peace in the Light Universe. Once it is destroyed along with the Golden Gateway, the darkness will--

The man was suddenly interrupted by a blow in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground and drop the wand. He dazedly searched for his attacker when he saw Treecko land in front of him.

What?! the man said. He remembered that he let go of the Mirror Wand, which was caught by Mariah. Hand over that wand!

Mariah said nothing for a few moments. Whatever the reason the man had for the wand, she refused to surrender it to him. She saw the unconscious Guardian again and thought that the red robed man had something to do with this. Not only that she could not have any of her questions answered, but now new ones came to her mind. Who was the man, and why was he after the wand Mariah had in her hand? How did the other Mariah lose her angelic form? What was the Golden Gateway he mentioned earlier?

Give me the Mirror Wand! the man demanded again.

The six gems on the Mirror Wand glow, and a burst of light filled the room before dimming down a few seconds. When the mans sight returned, he noticed that not only Mirror Mariahs wand was no longer burning, but also that Mariah had left the shrine.

***

After a long while of running, Mariahs and Treeckos legs became sore, and her breathing grew short and labored. Fortunately, she went into a small forest area and saw a large bush. She went into the bush to rest and catch her breath. She got out Treeckos Pokeball, and the orb shot a red beam at Treecko that transformed him into a red light before pulling him into the ball.

Nothing was going right for Mariah. She did not mind going on a Pokemon journey but ending up in another world was another story altogether, especially if the world was a lot like hers. Despite that, there were a lot of things that she was not sure of at all. She thought that the Guardian, which looked a lot like her, would help her out. She began to cry a little.

If there was one thing Mariah wanted, it was a way to stop this whole mess from happening, or at least a way back to her world.

Suddenly, the sound of an explosion and heat creeping up behind her interrupted Mariahs thoughts. She quickly got out of the bush and saw a burning tree branch fall on the ground.

Did you think you could get away from me THAT easily?

Mariah looked up and saw the robed man slowly descending from the ground. She shrunk back against a tree stump. What are you exactly? she asked in a shaky voice.

The man laughed. Youll find out soon enough--after not only Hoenn, but also the entire Light Universe ceases to exist. There will be a time where I dont need this Magma Magician or anyone else in particular.

The Light Universe? Could it be that the Hoenn Mariah was in be part of this Light Universe? Why would this man want to destroy it? What did he mean that he did not need the Magma Magician? No one else was around except for Mariah and the creepy red-robed man. However, seeing the mountains made into an M on the robe gave her a clue that, vaguely recalling a team called Team Magma in her Hoenn, he could be the Magma Magician. On the other hand, it would not make sense at all. Why would he consider himself useless to rule this Light Universe?

You probably will not be around that long, the crimson robed man said in a sinister tone. I know you are involved in this plan of the Guardians, but it will fail now!

The man outstretched his arms, and black fireballs formed in his palms.

Im not involved in anything! Mariah said. I dont even know whats going--

A barrage of smaller fireballs was shot at Mariah, who narrowly dodged them by ducking at the last minute.

Just tell me what is going on! Mariah said.

Hand over the Mirror Wand, and I will let you go, the man told her, disregarding her response.

Mariah, hoping that the man would tell her everything she needed to know and seeing what he could do, nervously held the Wand out to him. The man smiled and walked up toward her. Just when he was able to take it, however, the gems emitted a blast of light. He stumbled back as he rubbed his eyes. Obviously not intending that to happen, Mariah shrunk back against a rock.

Believing that Mariah would not hand over the Mirror Wand, the enraged man raised his hand over his head. The entire area was lit up by a fireball that increased in size and changed from an orange yellow to black. Before Mariah could react, long whip-like streams of fire rose out of the fireball and tried to ensnare her. Mariah made a few narrow dodges, but then she found herself surrounded.

Mariah thought that sending Treecko would not be a good idea since Grass-types were not the best Pokemon to use against Fire attacks. However, she really did not have much of a choice. Yet when she got out Treeckos Pokeball, the Mirror Wand began to react. Mariahs eyes briefly glowed a bright green before she jumped into air and landed on a nearby tree.

W what happened? Mariah asked. She noticed that she was holding on to the tree with great ease.

The frustrated man once again had the giant fireball shoot out whip-like fire streams at Mariah, but she was able to dodge by jumping from tree to tree. However, she knew that she could only dodge like that for so long. Even with this sudden power, there was no way for her to beat her opponent.

Suddenly, the wings of the Mirror Wand gave off a faint glow. Perhaps it had something that could help Mariah beat the robed man if not help her get away.

On the other hand, something stopped Mariah. As the glow continued, she felt something within her calling out to her. She thought it was someone talking to her through the wand, so she pointed the wand toward her. However, she felt a strange power going through to her.

Rain Rain Mariah did not know what was happening to her or why words were coming into her head. She never remembered a time in her life this had happened to her, yet

Rainbow Magic, give me power to protect all from danger!

The Mirror Wands gems began glowing one by one, and a flash of light surrounded Mariah once they were all lit up. She suddenly felt like she was floating in midair as her clothes suddenly vanished. Rainbow lights surrounded her body, and in place of the lights was a red shirt. Forming around her waist was a short white skirt, and on her feet appeared black high heels. Pokeball barrettes materialized in her hair, and large, round, white wings emerged from her back. The wand floated down into her hand, and another rainbow light surrounded her as she twirled around. The light homed into her chest and a black ribbon with yellow at the end and a Pokeball in the middle of the bow appeared on the shirt. After Mariahs transformation finished, she felt solid ground again.

The man saw Mariah and clenched his fist in anger. I knew it! The Guardian had tricked me into thinking you were defenseless when all this time you could have transformed!

Mariah, on the other hand, looked at her new clothes and wings in shock. She never expected to be a magical girl herself despite being a fan of a few series of the genre. To make matters worse, the enraged man believed that Mariah was involved in a trick and was ready to burn her to a crisp. She hoped that this was just a nightmare, but seeing that she had yet to wake up in her bed when the attacks were coming close, it seemed most unlikely.

Mariah did not understand this at all, but for some reason, she felt that she was left with no choice but to fight.

For the sake of Hoenn, the magical Hoenn Mirror Girl make you pay for what youve done! Mariah said as she aimed the Mirror Wand at the man.

The man laughed. Do not think that this ploy will last any longer. If I could easily steal the Guardians powers, there is no way that you could defeat me! I will be using this Magma Magician a bit longer than expected, but it will be for the best!

With that, the Magma Magician made the giant fireball vanish. A much smaller fireball appeared in his hand, and he threw it at Mariah. Mariah evaded the attack by jumping into the air. Another fireball was heading toward Mariah, but she managed to dodge again by flying right. Two more fireballs were shot toward her, but Mariah flew in a zigzag pattern to evade them as well.

Dodging will not help you forever! The Magma Magician continued to shoot fireballs at Mariah. The self-proclaimed Hoenn Mirror Girl dodged the fireballs, but they landed on trees and bushes. Seeing more than enough damage being done to the burning plants, Mariah turned to the Magma Magician.

Can you stop this already?! Mariah said. The whole place will burn to the ground if you keep those attacks up!

The Magma Magician just looked at her, his eyes having a glow of darkness in them. He did not care about the forest fire that he caused. He only cared about getting rid of Mariah. He shot a barrage of fireballs at Mariah, who attempted flying to dodge again. This time the fireballs followed her and managed to hit one of her wings. Knowing that flying with injured wings would leave her open for a major attack, Mariah was forced to land.

Surrender the Mirror Wand, and I will get rid of the fire, the Magma Magician said to her.

The Mirror Wands green gem lit up for a brief moment. As if being controlled by the wand, Mariah headed over to the Magma Magician. The unsuspecting crimson robed man was hit in the face with the Pokeball part of the Mirror Wand. Mariah backed off in surprise after she noticed that the Magma Magician almost fell from the force.

How? the Magma Magician said to himself. Thatfelt like a Pound attack. Humans able to use Pokemon attacks are rare and use a special kind of magic for that

Mariah overheard the Magician, and she could not believe it either. Surely, she never had her current powers until the battle, and at this point it was unbelievable. There was no time to think about it, however. Due to the pain caused from her burnt wing, she felt that attacking from a distance would be safer.

At first, by your resemblance to the Guardian, I thought it was all but a clever ploy, the Magma Magician told Mariah. However, you really do not know what just happened or do not understand my intentions.

Mariah sighed. Thats what Ive been trying to tell you! Im not even from this weird mirror Hoenn! I just want to talk to the Guardian about how to get back home!

The Magma Magician gave Mariah a dark glare along with a laugh. My child you will not have a home to go back to.

He raised both of his arms, and large rocks rose from the ground. Mariah managed to get out of the way from the rocks but suddenly stopped when she felt two of the rocks holding her wings between them, and the stinging burn hurt more than it was earlier. Feeling that she was down to her last option, she held the Mirror Wand out at the Magma Magician and hoped something would happen. The crimson robed man, however, thought that Mariah was surrendering it to him. That was, until he started glow green and collapsed on the ground.

WHAT?! he yelled, feeling his energy slowly leaving him. What is going on?

Mariah wondered what was happening as well. She felt energy slowly coming to her for a brief moment before she was at full strength, but it did not help much since she was unable to move. Still, she had a chance at defeating her opponent, and maybe that would free her from the rocks and stop the fire.

Just then, a black vapor similar to the one that left the Zigzagoon and Poochyena came out of the Magma Magician. Instead of splitting into smaller birds, however, it became one large bird with red eyes.

Consider this a draw! I will return to get my revenge on you, the Guardian, and the Sovereign! The bird flew off.

The Mirror Wands gems let out a bright rainbow colored light that surrounded the area. Within a matter of minutes, all the plants and trees were the way they were before the fight started. The rocks that were holding back Mariahs wings also vanished along with the others. Mariah looked at the Mirror Wand and wondered what happened when she saw the Magma Magician waking up.

W what happened? the crimson-robed man asked Mariah. I received a message that the team wanted me to meet at the Oldale Shrine. Was anyone else there besides me? And how did I get here?

The Oldale Shrine that was where the Guardian was! Mariah wanted to ask her what she needed to know about this world, yet she was held up by a battle from the Magma Magician, who appeared to be controlled by something throughout the battle. It probably would not do her much good if she asked him. She ran off, but stopped and turned back to the robed man and explained everything to him. The Magma Magician seemed surprised by what happened but said that he did not intend to hurt the Mariah or the Guardian at all. Then, he left, saying that he had to take care of some business.

At least I could find out whats going on, Mariah said to herself.

***

Back at the Oldale Shrine, Mariah saw that her twin was still unconscious but safe. She woke her up. Mirror Mariah, Mariahs name for her double, was taken aback from Mariahs new look, but Mariah told the Guardian what happened between her and the Magma Magician.

You transformed using the power of the Mirror Wand and managed to use Treeckos attacks? Mirror Mariah said after hearing her look-alikes story.

Yeah. Now, can you exactly tell me what is going on here?! Mariah asked her harshly. I almost got killed out there!

Mirror Mariah let out a slight, forced laugh until she realized that Mariah was actually serious and blushed. I couldnt believe it when I found out that Lord Stevens theory about another portion of the Light Universe being true for myself.

Lord Steven? Mariah asked.

Before another word was said, the glass of the large golden mirror behind the two girls faded to black.

Do not think that everything is resolved yet, a dark voice told the two girls. Mars was a weakling, and I could not afford to lose to an outsider. However, I have just thought of another way to make my invasion complete

Red cracks formed in the glass, and before the two girls knew it, there was a loud shattering sound. Following the noise, shards landed all over the floor and turned to stone, and eight of the shards suddenly transformed as they left the shrine and went in several different directions. There was evil laughter that echoed throughout the shrine.

If I cannot destroy the Wand, I could at least destroy the power source of Hoenn! Even if you do manage to restore the Golden Gateway, it will probably be too late! Still, it will be quite entertaining to see you two fail miserably!

With that, the Golden Gateways frames and wings turned into a dull gray. Mariah felt that her only chance at going home had slipped away, but Mirror Mariah sighed in distraught.

Why? she said to herself. Why didnt I see this before?

End of Chapter 3

Orange_Flaaffy
July 15th, 2005, 08:47 PM
Hmm..I'm not first class reviewer, but I'll give this a shot:

Their foes showed indifference toward them as they took a step forward.

How did they show indifference? Did they try to pretend they werent there? Did they fix their hair? Did they keep playing their gameboy?
For all I know, they could be playing one...


Your writing is good, but it reads a bit...stiff. Like a manual sort of...
A good example is this:
The mud fish acted upon the order by inhaling deeply and shooting a small stream of water at the intended target

It just sounds a bit..wooden. Emotionless, as though you've gone over it so much it's lost that unnameable soul I often see in works...

Hearing the order, the mud fish replied with a cheerful cry. Inhaling deeply from the bright orange pouches inside his cheeks, the aqua pokemon shot a small column of pressurized water at the Zigzagoon with all the uncontrolled rage of a newly born waterfall.

I'm not saying mine is better, or even formated right, just that, remember to draw readers in with a bit more...feeling .

Anyway, I've most likely said too much or made you mad at me. ;) ..
But I'll pick up reveiwing the rest of this chapter in a couple days..

IceKing
July 22nd, 2005, 11:04 PM
Ok, I fnally got around to reviewing this chapter! First off, I think the beginning to chapter three woudl have been better as an ending to chapter 2 because of the ending to the first part of chapter three. As for the battle, well I liked the way you used good strategy and junk but it felt kind of empty and I wasnt really feeling much emotion. I can imagine how confused Mariah must be at this point.


Second part, wow that was much much better. I felt more emotion in this battle especially as Mariah was stripped of her powers. One question though, if Mirror Mariah got a wand from teh shrine then what mirror wand that dissappeared was she talking about.

Third part, it was better than the first part but was still kind of weird. It kind of got reptitive with Mariah dodging at the last minute over and over again. Also I noticed you started sentences with She a bit too much in this paragraph

Nothing was going right for Mariah. She did not mind going on a Pokemon journey but ending up in another world was another story altogether, especially if the world was a lot like hers. Despite that, there were a lot of things that she was not sure of at all. She thought that the Guardian, which looked a lot like her, would help her out. She began to cry a little.

For a second there, it sounded like the Magma Magician in the forest was a new sorceror as well. Other than that, it wasnt that bad and pretty good with the way Normal Mariah turned into real Mariah and kicked butt with that wand. Im really hoping that this bird is not supposed to be dark lugia...


Last part was pretty good as well, although the whole two Mariah things is beginning to get confusing at parts. The breaking of the mirror makes this sound just like an RPG, I can hardly wait to see the Mariahs fight the gym leaders!

Ill give you one of my true reviews next chapter, good luck!

Negrek
July 31st, 2005, 06:17 PM
Well, my review of this was delayed a bit longer than expected due to my computer and other similarly evil entities. I will do a chapter-by-chapter review with a final summary at the end.

Chapter One: The Dark Torchic

She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children.

I'm getting really tired of people describing brown eyes as being a color related to food. It gives a very weird mental image, IMO, and is often more distracting than descriptive. Brown eyes are fine, and anyway, this description begs the question, "What kind of fudge?"

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt snapped out of her trance.

I recognize that you're trying to vary your descriptions of people instead of just saying "the girl" all of the time, but as you haven't yet told us that the girl in question, Maria, has a yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt on, we are not yet sure who to attach this description to. Mitch could be talking to some completely different person for all we know at this point. Same thing at the beginning of the next paragraph.

He could tell that even though two weeks had passed,

-As Shuko pointed out, tense changes are one of your largest problems. Generally, you have problems with putting present tense verbs in instead of past tense verbs, though occasionally you go the other way around. Below is a tense change example.

Mariah looked down on the ground.

- This is a slightly odd wording. Generally, when you're looking down on something, you're scorning it or showing disdain for it, but this is not the case in this sentence. I think that the preposition at would be better to use in this case.

...Mitch appeared unsuccessful in making a successful topic.

- Unwieldy wording here. The unsuccessful/successful repetition is a bit stumbly, and also the phrase making a successful topic. It would probably be better to say that he was unsuccessful at striking up a conversation or something along those lines. Topics aren't something that you make, as a general rule; they're something that you select, come up with, or define.

"Theres got to be some way to have Mariah get over this," Mitch said, "Anything you have in mind, Lisa?"

- Though you're generally okay with punctuating quotes, you seem to be having some difficulty with these, where the speech is interrupted. Because "There's got to be some way to have Mariah get over this," and "Anything you have in mind, Lisa" are both complete sentences, you should have a period after "Mitch said." You only use the comma if you have an incomplete thought that is interrupted by something outside of the speech, then finished in the second set of quotation marks.

- I agree with Miyu-chan in that you should work on varying your descriptions of characters a bit more. Brown-haired people seem to show up quite a bit.

- Capitalizing Pokemon journey is another pet peeve of mine. To my eyes, it makes the idea sound unreasonably grandiose.

...a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked by until he saw the three.

Somewhat odd wording here. I assume that you meant he was walking by, but stopped once he noticed the three friends. However, you have him walking by, which implies that he completely missed the three people, but then he somehow saw them. Consider rewording this section; perhaps something like "...a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked past, but stopped when he saw the three."

Even the mention of an anime...

"Well, I just thought itd be a good idea if the four of us can go," Brendan said, trying to cheer up Mariah, "You know, to have fun and stuff."

- Another example of broken dialogue that's been punctuated incorrectly; you need a period and not a comma after Mariah.

They, along with Mitch and Lisa, would be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.

Cosplayers stood out for the fans as well as interesting merchandise.

- I think there's a bit of preposition confusion here. Instead of stood out for, it should be stood out to. For implies that the objects themselves are making an effort to stand out in order to attract the fan's attention, which makes sense for the cosplayers but not for the merchandise, it being inanimate and all. Standing out to switches the emphasis to the fans themselves and implies that they are noticing the cosplayers and merchandise.

Several stands appealed to her interest, but she could not decide on which one.

- Something's missing here. The way the sentence is now, several stands appeal to Mariah, but she couldn't decide which one was appealing to her. Perhaps change the last phrase to be, "could not decide on which one to go to first" or something like that.

After an hour, the four had brought merchandise from various series and a lot of signed autograph cards.

- Also, did you mean bought instead of brought in the sentence above?

Brendan usually did not go to his fathers lab this early on a Saturday.

- I don't believe that color scheme is hyphenated.

Before Mariah wanted to buy anything, she asked one final and important question on a fans mind:

The last phrase here doesn't make sense. You have the subject of the sentence being Mariah, but in the end you switch to a fan. I think you should change it to one final and important question that was on her mind.

That is, until my father, a well-known writer,[/B[ just turned it down.

...something [B]as simple as a drawing...

Mariah started to think how she could put that advice to good use...

Everyone immediately hit the ground to avoid being hit.

- Hit-hit repetition here is awkward. Maybe try something like dropped to the ground to avoid being hit.

The Torchic tried to attack again, but it suddenly collapsed from exhaustion.

- Having the torchic drop from exhaustion right there seems a bit too contrived. I mean, all it's done is run in to the place, spew out some embers, and activate the sprinkler system. While I suppose that the water being spewed by the sprinklers would sap its power somewhat, I don't think that it would be enough to have it just keel over all of a sudden.

...one responded back.

- That's a redundancy because to respond means to answer back.

What was this Light Universe, and who was this Sovereign?

...and hope she would wake up soon.

...standing beside her.

...bits and pieces of their own name nor were naturally evil.

innocent before proven guilty

- It's more commonly known as innocent UNTIL proven guilty.

Also, there was the darkness, but anyone could see that as a blackout.[/QUOTE

But blackouts don't activate sprinklers.

[QUOTE]However, why did the Torchic and the darkness fill Mariah with so much alarm?

- You never actually give any sort of explanation for the place where Mariah woke up. Where was it, exactly? The pokmon center? A friend's house?

Lisa arrived, and finally Mitch with sore arms.

Why does he have sore arms?

...man in a lab coat opened the door.

She weakly smiled at them.

In most cases it's best for flow to put adverbs after the verbs that they described. Just be careful and listen to how the sentence sounds aloud. After doing so I think you'll agree that she smiled weakly sounds better than she weakly smiled.

...which would never happen.

- It sounds odd to refer to Mariah's grandmother as the grandmother as opposed to her grandmother in the next paragraph.

...for quite some time now.

Sometime is an adjective describing when you wish to do something, whereas some time is an adjective-noun combination describing an amount of time.

The incident might reoccur with her Pokemon...

The large trees nearly covered the view of the sky and had the support of their dark brown trunks firmly in the ground.

While it's nice to see you injecting a bit of environmental description here, the last phrase is sort of unnecessary. The fact that the trees have trunks that connect them to the ground is something that we assume unless told otherwise. Saying something about the shape of their trunks or their texture would be much more impactful, for example.

Flowers and grass dotted throughout the ground...

Remove throughout from this sentence, so that it reads grass dotted the ground. Throughout also implies within, as in "Chocolate chips were scattered throughout the cookie dough." Here you can guess that the chips are actually within the dough, whereas the grass and flowers in the sentence above are actually sprouting from the ground, not inside it.

They lost their footing due to a sudden tremor, and they somehow started to fall into the quickly spreading light...

- There are some odd sentences that are character dialogue, but I did not comment on them as they could be considered dialect sort of.

Overall, a fairly effective opening chapter. The anime convention, which I guess you just added this revision, probably seems random or unnecessary to people who read the prevoius versions, but it seems to me that it makes for an effective way to introduce the shadow torchic. The pace may still be a tad fast, but I think that by adding a bit more environmental description and explanation you can slow it down easily enough. There are a few things I noted that seemed like they weren't explained properly, and I think that some areas could use a bit more description. Professor Birch's lab, for example. I can understand a lack of description if you character has been there often before, but if this is her first time, think about the sort of stuff she would notice. Is there a lot of equiptment humming mysteriously in the background? Assistants hurrying about? Little details like are good ways to influence tone and slow down your story if it rolls along too fast.

Watch out for Mariah's feelings as a result of her mother's death. Parental death often leads to angst!Sues, so be careful to not have her wallow in misery for an inordinate amount of time. It's also a very commonly used plot device, though at least this one isn't the ever-popular "parent/sibling/relative killed by *insert species of pokmon here*, causing *insert main character here* to go on a journey to seek revenge upon *insert appropriate species of pokmon/all pokmon in general here*".

So, dark pokmon have been done and parental death have been done, but you at least pulled these off with a bit of style. It's more original than most OT's thus far, anyway. Just be on the watch for the ever-menacing clich in further chapters.

Chapter Two: Where am I?

She had just started on her journey, and already things were going wrong.

They might help Treecko, but they might make his condition worse.

Littleroot Village did not make a lot of sense to Mariah.

The way this sentence is worded makes it sound like Mariah is already in Littleroot Village and it doesn't make much sense to her. Since it's actually the new name of the town that's puzzling her, I'd suggest rewording it to be more like Calling it Littleroot Village did not...

...girl had assured her that...

...since when did Professor Birch specialized in magic?

...as well and bore a symbol of a star within a heart...

Bore is the past tense of bear, and bared is the past tense of bare.

...bottom area of the sides and the back.

Mariah thought back to what just happened a while back.

That's a bit of an oxymoron. If it just happened, how can it have been a while back?

...some burly man in a white coat...

Trainers did not get either a first stage Grass-, Fire-, or Water-type Pokemon from Sorcerer Birch.Also, it seemed that they did not battle Gyms, if they even existed in this Hoenn.

- Large grassy fields are not usually bordered by large, unclimbable cliffs, and there really aren't many cliffs around Littleroot Town, at least in normal Hoenn.

- It seems weird that the enemy pokmon would just stand around and wait while Brendan and Mariah argue about Treecko not fighting and while Brendan and his dad converse about how he can't use magic on them. They're clearly intent on their prey; why aren't they taking advantage of their distraction?

She sighed in relief until she saw that the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were approaching her.

- There were further dialogue punctuation problems and adverb placement issues, but I did not note them here and will not for chapter three, either.

I liked this chapter considerably better than the first, and as you can see, I found fewer errors in it. Tense problems continue to plague you, however. I think that you did a better job portraying emotion this chapter as well, and most of your character interaction seemed pretty natural. Your alternate universe contrivance to slip under the restriction of pokmon not being able to talk to humans is better than most, at least.

I agree with IceKing that Mariah should have probably fainted at the sight of her angelic mirror image; after all, if a little pokmon talking put her down for the count, what about finding herself in this strange land? I also was a little surprised at the adamance (dangit I can't spell) with which Mariah protested Treecko battling. I mean, sure he got hurt against the Torchic and all, but that was with clear type advantage, and this time she'd presumably have help from Brendan's Mudkip. I understand that she didn't want him to get hurt and all, but I'm not totally buying that that instinct would overrule that of seeing Brendan's father in danger and realizing that he really needed her help. Not to mention that Treecko himself wanted to fight.

Chapter Three: The Magical Hoenn Mirror Girl

With a potentially tough battle ready to start on a small grass route, Mariahs Treecko and the angels Mudkips faces wore determined expressions.

The compound subject in this sentence is a little screwed up. I think that it should be Mariah's Treecko's, as it's his face and Mudkip is showing posession. However, that just looks weird. I think this sentence will look unwieldy either correct or incorrect, so I suggest just finding some way to reword it.

- The battle was pretty good, but it seemed a bit unbalanced to me. I mean, Brendan's Mudkip was eliminated in one hit when he faced the posessed pokmon, and he only got hit by a basic tackle. Treecko, on the other hand, took supereffective damage from a high-powered poison attack and didn't fall. Whether or not Poochyena's dark aura or whatever was activated, that doesn't seem like a very likely scenario. It's not as though that was the only hit that Treecko took either. On the whole, however, the battle was pretty good.

...victim to the suspects mind control?

Well, if they have no idea who is controlling the pokmon, then there aren't any suspects yet.

As Mariah left with Treecko following, Brendan looked the direction they were headed and back at his father, who shook his head.

She took a look around for anything suspicious before she entered the temple... known as the Oldale Shrine.

You're not using elipses right here. They're either used to indicate sections omitted from a quotation or trail off in an intriguing manner, as you used them just before the chapter break. It is also common to see them used in dialogue when a person pauses because he or she has lost his or her train of thought. Here you just want a comma to set off the additional information in the last phrase. I'd suggest rewriting it to say entered the temple, which was known as the Oldale Shrine.

After shielding her eyes and finding out the lights source...

The light's source is outside, isn't it? Probably you meant that she found out what it was that was reflecting the light back at her.

She arrived in front of a mirror glass box on top of a platform.

Well, mirrors and glass are both two different things and the same thing. Mirrors are just glass painted to have a reflective shiny surface (definitely don't quote me on that as I'm not really sure), so saying that there was a mirror glass box is odd. I think removing the glass part would make more sense, and maybe changing the wording slightly.

...and with it were six marble-sized Pokeballs that were in different colors like the gems on the top red part of the Pokeball.

You have told us nothing about gems on the top red part of the pokball, so this description has nothing to relate to and does not add to our menatl picture of the rod.

- Why is Mirror Mariah all worried about the staff thing as soon as she picks it up. She wonders why someone would want to destroy it and how she could explain its abscence, but it is neither broken nor missing. She doesn't have any real reason to think that the staff itself is in danger, whether or not she knows that something evil is in the area. It's right there, in her hands, intact, undisturbed, and there was nothing to give her any sort of reason to worry about it upon her entrance into the shrine. Well, you haven't given us any indication that the wand is broken, though Mirror Mariah seems to be acting that way.

- Cannot is one word.

A man stood at the entrance, whose identity was partially concealed by the darkness.

Misplaced modifier. With its current wording, the sentence seems to say that the entrance has a concealed identity.

He raised his arm with the bare palm of his hand facing Mirror Mariah.

...Magma Magician with a sinister laugh, believing he had won.

- You don't go into much detail about Mariah's reaction to the shrine. Mirror Mariah went so far as to be blinded by the reflected light in it, but Mariah seems to experience no such thing, simply showing up and walking in. Isn't she a little bit wary, coming to this shrine that doesn't exist in her own world? On the alert, isn't she going to be noticing a great deal about her surroundings? This would be an excellent place to not only insert environmental description, but emotion. How is Mariah reacting to all of this weirdness?

- Most people don't automatically toss things out of their hands when they're dealt blows to the stomach. They might drop them out of surprise or out of reflex when they double or fall over, but I'm not aware of an instinctual response that involves throwing held objects.

Believing that Mariah would not hand over the Mirror Wand...

The entire area was lit up by a fireball thaT increased in size and changed from an orange yellow to black.

She noticed that she was holding on to the tree with great ease.

The Mirror Wands gems began glowing one by one and surrounded Mariah once they were all lit up.

Whoah, they became unstuck from the wand, rose into the air and started circling her?

- And while Mariah is transforming, why doesn't she get a fireball in the face from the Magma Magician?

- Magical girl isn't really a genre. Well, not a book genre anyway. I guess I'm not too up on anime or manga or suchlike.

The Magma Magician just looked at her, his eyes having a glow of darkness in them.

"However, you really do not what just happened or do not understand my intentions."

There's a word missing there, but as I'm not entirely sure what you meant for this sentence to say, I can't just fill it in and move on. Take a look and put in what's missing.

He raised both of his arms...

- Again, I find the result of this battle highly unrealistic. The Magma Magician could steal the powers of Mirror Mariah with little trouble, yet Mariah, who has no clue how to use magic or anything, manages to beat him. Doesn't make much sense.

I didn't like this chapter as much as the others. It started to seem very unrealistic to me, with the whole disproportionate powers of the Magma Magician and all. It seemed like whenever Mariah was in real danger the wand would suddenly reveal a new power and she'd be able to keep fighting for a little bit longer. Mariah's response to her new powers didn't seem entirely plausible either. I mean, she keeps on thinking that she's never going to be able to beat this guy, that she's just a helpless kid with a wand and he's this creepy evil magician type that she'll never be able to beat, despite the way the wand constantly steps in to help her. I'd expect her to start to feel a little more confident with the notion that something's looking out for her.

And in conclusion...

This 'fic certainly has potential. So far you've got what appears to be a solid storyline nailed down and have decent prose and pacing and such. Mechanically, you're doing everything right.

Small problems remain, however. Sometimes the story seems obviously skewed, as though you're trying too hard to make something happen. Deus ex machina and all that. Also, lapses in description are fairly common. I'm not asking you for buckets of environmental description or the like; in fact, that would be a terrible thing to do for a 'fic. Generally, I go by the rule "notice what your character is noticing". Mariah is still very new to mirror Hoenn, and you would expect her to be gawking at everything. Hey, I know I would. This is a land of magic and all of that. And what about Treecko? He didn't seem at all surprised to find himself able to converse with his trainer, nor was he alarmed by the strange shadowy pokmon. You would expect him to have his reservations about this strange place, too. Which brings me to another point...

I don't quite think you're doing your pokmon justice. You have the added advantage of having an excuse for their ability to communicate, which gives you a lot more of an opportunity to give them personalities than in normal circumstances, where most characterization must come from their actions or their trainer's interpretations of their "words." So far, however, the pokmon haven't been given proper chance to grow and develop in terms of personality. Though they have a fair amount of screen time, Treecko especially, they remain rather flat and disinteresting. Granted, it's still early on in their relationships with their trainers, but characterization should always start early rather than late.

Your human characters have their problems as well. Orange Flaaffy was pretty accurate with her description of this. Their responses and reactions seem just a tad too calculated, just a tad too rationalized and polished. They seem to lack an organic feel, the human aspect which allows readers to relate to them. It's not that you write them poorly; the problem is almost that you write them too well. I'm afraid it's not a problem that can be easily diagnosed or treated, but there you are.

With all that said, though, this is far from being a bad work of fanfiction. As I said before, it has considerable promise. Focus on your characters and the magic of your plot; remember how you want your audience to feel in response to certain places and events, and lead them on through description and character reactions. Ultimately, you're not far from having a very good piece of work on your hands.

Strawberry Delcatty
July 31st, 2005, 08:13 PM
Thanks for the review. In fact, this is one of the best ones yet.

Yes, tenses always managed to mess with me, sometimes my wording and description aren't top notch, and my problem with realism seem to be getting worse. Then again, I tend to skip out on litterature except on certain fan fics.

There are some things I'd like to bring up, though...

You never actually give any sort of explanation for the place where Mariah woke up. Where was it, exactly? The pokmon center? A friend's house?
It was a Pokemon Center.

Why does he have sore arms?
I guess I didn't do a good job explaning that. It was basically because Mitch was trying to catch up to the girls but wasn't doing a very good job... one of the disadvantages of being in a wheelchair...

Watch out for Mariah's feelings as a result of her mother's death. Parental death often leads to angst!Sues, so be careful to not have her wallow in misery for an inordinate amount of time. It's also a very commonly used plot device, though at least this one isn't the ever-popular "parent/sibling/relative killed by *insert species of pokmon here*, causing *insert main character here* to go on a journey to seek revenge upon *insert appropriate species of pokmon/all pokmon in general here*".
Since spoiler tags won't work, I'll explain Mariah's mom's death in a PM to you.

So, dark pokmon have been done and parental death have been done, but you at least pulled these off with a bit of style. It's more original than most OT's thus far, anyway. Just be on the watch for the ever-menacing clich in further chapters.
*leads to spoiler*

- It seems weird that the enemy pokmon would just stand around and wait while Brendan and Mariah argue about Treecko not fighting and while Brendan and his dad converse about how he can't use magic on them. They're clearly intent on their prey; why aren't they taking advantage of their distraction?
I never really think of things like that. I'm VERY slow, unfortunately


And while Mariah is transforming, why doesn't she get a fireball in the face from the Magma Magician?
Last time I've watched Sailor Moon and other magical girl series, the only time a transformation fails is usually right off the bat because something happened to the magical girl in question.

Magical girl isn't really a genre. Well, not a book genre anyway. I guess I'm not too up on anime or manga or suchlike.
Yeah, it's an anime genre.
Here's a good site about it: http://henshin.anime-myth.com/index.html

Again, I find the result of this battle highly unrealistic. The Magma Magician could steal the powers of Mirror Mariah with little trouble, yet Mariah, who has no clue how to use magic or anything, manages to beat him. Doesn't make much sense.
I had that pointed out to me too. Hopefully, the other battles will be much better.

Small problems remain, however. Sometimes the story seems obviously skewed, as though you're trying too hard to make something happen. Deus ex machina and all that. Also, lapses in description are fairly common. I'm not asking you for buckets of environmental description or the like; in fact, that would be a terrible thing to do for a 'fic. Generally, I go by the rule "notice what your character is noticing". Mariah is still very new to mirror Hoenn, and you would expect her to be gawking at everything. Hey, I know I would. This is a land of magic and all of that. And what about Treecko? He didn't seem at all surprised to find himself able to converse with his trainer, nor was he alarmed by the strange shadowy pokmon. You would expect him to have his reservations about this strange place, too.
That never really came to me either. Thanks for pointing that out.

I don't quite think you're doing your pokmon justice. You have the added advantage of having an excuse for their ability to communicate, which gives you a lot more of an opportunity to give them personalities than in normal circumstances, where most characterization must come from their actions or their trainer's interpretations of their "words." So far, however, the pokmon haven't been given proper chance to grow and develop in terms of personality. Though they have a fair amount of screen time, Treecko especially, they remain rather flat and disinteresting. Granted, it's still early on in their relationships with their trainers, but characterization should always start early rather than late.

Your human characters have their problems as well. Orange Flaaffy was pretty accurate with her description of this. Their responses and reactions seem just a tad too calculated, just a tad too rationalized and polished. They seem to lack an organic feel, the human aspect which allows readers to relate to them. It's not that you write them poorly; the problem is almost that you write them too well. I'm afraid it's not a problem that can be easily diagnosed or treated, but there you are.
Characterization was a HUGE problem for me in the earlier versions. I'll keep this in mind as I work on chapter 5 (I've finished chapter 4 today).

With all that said, though, this is far from being a bad work of fanfiction. As I said before, it has considerable promise. Focus on your characters and the magic of your plot; remember how you want your audience to feel in response to certain places and events, and lead them on through description and character reactions. Ultimately, you're not far from having a very good piece of work on your hands.
Again, thanks for the review.

Miyu-chan
August 7th, 2005, 10:03 PM
I agree with your previous reviewers. A bit of 'voice' in the chapters might have been better. It's not somthing to be easily commented on, but like Orange_Flaaffy said, it does sound a bit wooden. But the way to solve this... the only solution may be to discover on your own. o.O;

I love your wonderful use of dialouge, and the battle scenes were awesome. =3

Some of the tenses seemed... strange however, like others mentioned before. o.x;

Errr... yeah. xD;

Strawberry Delcatty
August 10th, 2005, 05:33 PM
MARIAHS POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAHS ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAHS POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAHS ITEMS: Wand (???)

CHAPTER 4: Ambush
The path of Rainbow Route 2 was anything but normal in Mariahs eyes. The trees were dotted with lavender roses and bore large, pink fruit with white markings. Short plants with crooked leaves that curled up at the end made up most of the path, but it was not enough to interfere with walking. Slender vines blended so well with the plants that they seemed nearly invisible except on small ledges. Mariah felt that she was walking through a wacky greenhouse.

I cant believe I just let that happen, a downcast Mirror Mariah moaned as she walked alongside Mariah. With her powers gone and the Golden Gateway broken, she felt completely helpless. She felt even worse when she found out that a doppelganger of her managed to beat a Magma Magician, who was at the time possessed possibly by the force controlling the Poochyena and Zigzagoon.

Youve been saying that ever since we left the shrine, Mariah said, growing annoyed with Mirror Mariahs pessimism. I didnt expect to be in the middle of all of this. I just want to get out of here and back to my Hoenn.

Too bad for you, Mirror Mariah said as she sat down on a ledge. You have to get to Ever Grande Cathedral and ask Lord Steven to send you home. Unfortunately, the Golden Gateway is the only way to get there. Since its broken, theres not much we could do but fix it.

That was not what Mariah wanted to hear. She asked if Mirror Mariah could at least find an alternative for going back home, but the Guardian shook her head, confirming that going to Ever Grande Cathedral was the only way. Mariah sighed, feeling that she would never return to her world. She remembered that some of the shards flew out of the shrine, and there was no way for her to find them all since she barely knew if Mirror Hoenn really was a parallel world.

Mariah also recalled that some time after the Golden Gateway broke, five of six rainbow-colored Pokeballs turned into a flash of light and went into their respectively colored gems of the Mirror Wand. Noticing that a green Pokeball had been left over, Mirror Mariah took it and wondered why it remained. Mariah asked her what happened to the other Pokeballs, and she told her that it was probably because the Mirror Wand needed another source of energy since the Golden Gateway had been destroyed. She was not sure about what it was until Treecko was suddenly released from his Pokeball. The Wood Gecko noticed the emerald Pokeball and felt a strange power from it. Before he knew it, he was converted into a sparkling jade light that was pulled into the Pokeball, and the sphere transformed into a similar light that was reeled into the lime-colored gem almost immediately after that.

Is something wrong? Mirror Mariah asked, interrupting Mariahs thoughts.

Mariah shook her head. I was just thinking about what you said about the Mirror Wand. You said that these Rainbow Pokeballs came with it, right?

Mirror Mariah nodded. In case something happens to the Golden Gateway, the Mirror Wand can recover its energy if you manage to catch Pokemon with the Rainbow Balls. However, there is a catch, and thats Huh?

Mirror Mariah noticed that Mariah was instead attentive to a small purple rat Pokemon looking around the grassy area for food. With the Mirror Wand in her hand, Mariah quietly followed the Pokemon. When the Pokemon stopped at a bush with fruit similar to what the trees bore, Mariah started to aim the Wand at him. However, she realized that she did not know how to send out Treecko or how to use the Pokeballs. She waited for the words to come into her head like they did in the battle with the Magma Magician but was unsuccessful. In hopes of getting help, she turned to Mirror Mariah, who shrugged and said that she was not allowed to use the Wand except in critical battles. A disappointed groan from Mariah made the mouse Pokemon turn his head and glare at her. Then, he ran up a tree and leaped at Mariah once he reached the first branch. Before Mariah could react, her face was at the receiving end of a barrage of weak but painful scratches. She screamed and covered her face as the small but quick Pokemon landed on the ground.

You overgrown Butterfree! the Pokemon snapped in a scratchy childlike voice. If I see you following me like that again, Ill chomp your wings off! He scampered away.

Mariah moaned. There was no bleeding, but small scratch marks were all over her face. Mirror Mariah, embarrassed about what had just happened, got out an indigo handkerchief and clipped the crystal Pokeball off of her necklace. She pressed the button, and the sphere doubled in size and, upon opening, released a sparkling light that formed into her Mudkip.

Mudkip, Mirror Mariah said, holding the handkerchief by one of the corners, use your Water Gun to wet this. I need this to at least lessen the pain Mariah has from a Rattatas Fury Swipes attack.

Mudkip looked at his trainer and then at Mariah, who tried massaging her face to lower the pain. He turned back to his trainer. Couldnt you use some Pudding for that?

I could, but I ended up losing my powers, so I cant transport my bag, Mirror Mariah said with a depressed sigh. Thats why I need your Water Gun to wet the hankie a little.

Although he felt strange about this, he knew it had to be done, so Mudkip squirted enough water on the handkerchief to have it dripping a little. Mirror Marian rung out the extra water and went to Mariah, who was still rubbing her face. She saw Mariahs surprised expression when she handed the damp cloth tissue to her.

Go on, the Guardian said assuredly. Just take it. You can keep it if you want.

Uh, thanks. Mariah took the handkerchief and wiped her face. So, Mirror Mariah, where are you from?

Mirror Mariah mumbled to herself that it would still take her a while to get used to her new name from Mariah. After a short pause Mariah called her, and Mirror Mariah laughed embarrassedly. She rarely had that question asked of her, but she thought about it and turned to her.

Im from Ever Grande Cathedral, Mirror Mariah said. I dont remember much of my life before I became the Guardian of Hoenn, and despite what people think, I dont know everything. Well, compared to Lord Steven anyway

Uh Whos this Lord Steven you keep on mentioning? Mariah asked.

Mirror Mariah covered her face upon hearing the question. She giggled a bit, slowly removed her hands from her face and moved her finger in a circle on a nearby rock. Well Hes the Overlord of Hoenn. Hes smart, kind, really cool, and a strong Pokemon trainer. Hes reliable, and-- She stopped and noticed Mariah trying to hold back a laugh. What am I saying?! Im not supposed to be telling you that!

Im guessing that you like him, Mariah said with a smile.

The Guardian of Hoenn laughed and playfully shook Mariah. I didnt say that!

So, why do you always hug him and say that you missed him every time you see him? Mudkip asked, believing that his trainers double might be right.

Knowing that talking about Lord Steven would embarrass her more, Mirror Mariah attempted to change the subject. So, Mariah, she said. Tell me about yourself. If you dont mind, of course.

Mariah nodded and began to tell Mirror Mariah and Mudkip about her life in her Hoenn. She lived in Littleroot Town with her father and grandmother. Brendan Birch, one of her friends, lived next door to her with his parents. His dad, Professor Birch, often spent time at his lab studying and time outdoors doing fieldwork. Mariah also mentioned that Professor Birch gave starting Pokemon to beginning trainers and that was how she had gotten Treecko. Mirror Mariah seemed to be confused by this and told her how trainers start out with newborn Pokemon, but Mariah said that that had already been mentioned to her. Mariah continued talking about herself while Mirror Mariah occasionally asked questions.

***

In another area of Rainbow Route 2, an orange mouse Pokemon slept peacefully in a berry tree when a shadow swiftly passed through the area. The Pokemon slowly woke up and wondered what it was that had made him come out of his slumber. He yawned, stretched, and rubbed his eyes. Once his vision became clear, however, he saw that no one was around. He suddenly heard a cawing noise with his pointy brown ears, and he looked up to see a small black bird perched on a branch above him.

Hey, who are you? the Pokemon asked.

Several other black birds arrived with their comrade, and together they dove toward the mouse. Seeing this as some kind of attack, the mouse jumped toward his attackers as his long and slender tail shone brightly. The birds felt as if a rock hit them when the thunder-shaped tip of the Pokemons tail swatted them onto the ground. It did not seem to be enough, however, for the birds managed to recover as the Pokemon landed on the ground.

What?! the Pokemon cried in shock as he watched the birds become airborne again.

The birds dove toward the Pokemon again with a dark vapor surrounding their bodies. However, the mouse got on all fours and looked up at the birds. His round, yellow cheeks sparked with electricity as the birds auras were fired at him in the form of wind. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning was released from the Raichu and sliced through the dark wind. After the attack made contact with the birds, its sheer power made the birds fall to the ground, unable to continue fighting. Despite the successful hit of the mouses attack, the dark wind blew him off his feet and onto his stomach.

Once the Raichu got up, however, he felt that something was wrong--he had won too easily. The birds did not have a type where they were weak against either Steel-type attacks like Iron Tail or Electric-type attacks like Thunderbolt. He started to think that they were low-leveled Pokemon and had headed off when he stopped and thought about something. Were the birds Pokemon at all? Seemed unlikely At least, they were not Pokemon that the Raichu had seen before. After taking a closer look at the birds, he felt a dark presence from them and knew that they could not be Pokemon, for Pokemon could never be evil naturally.

Id better tell the Guardian about this. The Raichu, worried that this might turn out to be a trap of some sort, hurried off.

***

What was that? Mariah asked a moment after a bright flash lit up the area.

Mirror Mariah quickly got up but stood still for a few seconds. I sense it again. This has been going on for two weeks now, and its only getting worse.

Mariah, for some reason, felt that she had more in common with Mirror Mariah than just looks. Like Mariah, Mirror Mariah struggled with trying to figure out why Pokemon acted strangely and why do strange dark birds often appeared. It stressed her out a lot, just like when Mariah was saddened about what happened to her mom. Both of them had gone through a lot, and now there were in the middle of something that could tear apart both of their worlds.

Wed better get going, Mirror Mariah told Mariah. Judging by the distance, its pretty close to Moonlight City.

Whyd we have to go there? asked Mariah, remembering that Brendan mentioned the name to her.

Well, for starters, well be able to get some clues from Petalburg Mansion, Mirror Mariah said. One of the Elders lives there.

Mariah wondered who the Elders were upon their mentioning, but Mirror Mariah and her Mudkip went ahead before Mariah could ask anything. Knowing that going through the Mirror Hoenn without Mirror Mariah would not be a good idea, Mariah went after her.

***

Feeling as though the birds might have been following him, the Raichu glanced behind him a few times but thankfully found nothing. A bush that he had just passed by suddenly rustled. The Raichu stopped and turned to see something zooming toward his arm and clamping onto it.

Not again! The mouse tried to shake another black bird off of his short arm, but it was unwilling to let go. He raised up his free arm, and a small glowing orb formed at the tip. The bird looked up at the orb as the Raichu slammed it against his side, causing a small explosion that made the bird fall off.

Whats with you? The Raichus cheeks sparked with electricity.

The bird landed on the ground and shrugged off the damage from the Present attack. Its red eyes glowed, and a dark mist surrounded its body. The mouse watched the mist gradually increase in size until it vanished. In the birds place was a black moth. At the sight of its fluttering green wings, the Raichu held his breath. He did not know how the bird managed to transform into a Dustox, but it had become more dangerous than it previously was, for these poison moth Pokemon were known for scattering a powerful toxin.

The Dustoxs eyes glowed in several colors, and everything swirled in a whirlpool of bizarre lights. The swirling increased in speed little by little, and the Raichu felt dizzy and queasy. Suddenly, his head began to hurt, and he shut his eyes, hoping that everything would be back to normal. The poison moth Pokemon stopped its attack when the Raichu fell on his back and coughed as a reflex.

The mouse Pokemon slowly got up, wondering what his opponents next move was. The Confusion attack had left him in a rather groggy condition, but he mustered up as much energy as he could to run and jump toward the Dustox. He grabbed it by the wings and aimed it at the ground as the two were plummeting toward it. They both crashed, scattering dirt and pieces of leaves everywhere. The Raichu received some recoil from his Slam attack, but the thing on his mind was whether or not he had beaten the Dustox. What he saw, however, left him in shock.

The Dustox was engulfed by a bright light that faded away once the Raichu executed his Slam attack. It rose into the air without a single scratch on its body, and the Raichu was getting frustrated but was unwilling to give up. He ran toward the poison moth again with amazing speed, but the tricky poison moth rapidly flapped its wings to spread dust at its opponent.

Ack! The mouse Pokemon stopped in his tracks as a foul scent entered his nose. He began to choke from the poisonous dust and fell on the ground.

How pathetic, the Dustox said.

The Raichus eyes watered as the dust continued to drift, and he covered his nose and mouth to avoid inhaling any more of it. In addition one of the birds being able to transform into a Dustox, the Raichu knew something was not right since when he fought the other birds. He suddenly crumpled on the ground, and the Dustox flew over to the fallen, coughing electric mouse and prepared to deliver the final blow.

Use your Water Gun attack!

From out of the blue, a blast of water hit the poison moth in the eyes. The dark Dustox cried out in pain as the Raichu wondered where the Water Gun came from. Sure enough, a Mudkip was right beside him, and the two Mariahs arrived a moment later. They saw the Dustox as it tried to get the excess water out of its eyes.

Lemonade, you okay? Mirror Mariah asked the Raichu.

I guess, Lemonade the Raichu responded with a cough as he got up. Ive been keeping this guy back for quite a while. Ive dealt with some weird birds as well, but-- Lemonade was suddenly cut off upon seeing Mariah. He wondered how another girl could look like Mirror Mariah when Mariah, seeing his surprised expression, slowly stepped up and nervously held out her hand.

Uh, hi, Mariah said. My names Mariah Janvi. Nice tomeet you. Um Are you one of Mirror Mariahs Pokemon?

Lemonade was confused about the name of Mirror Mariah. He knew that it was impossible for Mariah to refer to herself since, in his eyes, she was the Mirror Mariah. He thought that she might be referring to the Guardian because of the resemblance. Finally, he put his concerns aside for the time being and shook hands with Mariah.

No, Lemonade told Mariah. I dont actually belong to the current Guardian, but I did belong to the last one.

Mariah turned to Mirror Mariah, but she said that the only time she remembered hearing about the previous Guardian was a while after the Guardianship was passed down to her. This surprised Mariah, for she was hoping that Mirror Mariah would have the answers about what was going on in this mirror world of Hoenn. She wanted to get as much information about this world as possible, as well as some on the missing shards, and why strange black birds were attacking Pokemon. It was too late to get out of this situation when she transformed, so she might as well know as much about this place as possible.

Mirror Mariah, on the other hand, knew that she had to get the missing shards at all costs to fix the Golden Gateway. In reality, it did not matter whether or not Mariah returned back to her world. She remembered being told that if something were to happen to the Golden Gateway, a catastrophe will fall upon not only her Hoenn but also the whole Light Universe as well. Although she did not know specifically what the catastrophe was, she guessed that it had to do with the dark birds. She felt that the Elder of Petalburg Mansion would help her out, despite feeling uncomfortable about him. Her Mudkip, although unable to figure out what his trainer was thinking, sensed that she was worried about what was happening.

Lemonade himself did not know much about the birds until he was attacked. While he managed to defeat a flock of the birds, a lone one that transformed into a powerful Bug and Poison-type Pokemon wore him out with very little effort. If Mirror Mariahs Mudkip showed up any later, then he would have been in worse, if not critical, condition than he was now. Since the first battle, one thing was made clear to the Raichuthe birds were not and could not be Pokemon, simply because they were evil.

The four of them were ambushed by a shower of bright purple needles stinging them. While Mirror Mariah managed to get out of the Dustoxs attack, her Mudkip, Mariah, and Lemonade were stuck at the receiving end of the Poison Sting barrage. The Guardian heard their pained cries and saw them crumpling to the ground. Upon seeing that they were poisoned, she tried to make her bag appear, only to remember that she lost her powers.

Stupid bird, Lemonade muttered, feeling groggy from the poison.

Mariah weakly sat up. What do you mean? Dustox are Bug-type Pokemon.

One of those weird birds turned into a Dustox and had me on the ropes until you guys came here The Raichu shook violently.

I dont remember any of the birds Guardian Mariah and I dealt with being able to do that, Mudkip said as he tried to stay up.

Suddenly, the trees and bushes swirled and flashed with vivid lights. The swirling sped up little by little, and Mariah and Mudkips conditions appeared to worsen. A staggering Mudkip tried to attack by kicking up mud at the dark Dustox, but the mud appeared to have gone right through it. However, Mirror Mariah saw that her Pokemons Mud-Slap attack was completely off.

Meanwhile, Lemonade, becoming rather familiar with the Dustoxs tactics, tried to concentrate as hard as he could. His cheeks glowed brightly with electric sparks before he fired a bolt of lightning right at the poison moth. The powerful shock wave lit up the Dustox with bright yellow electricity before it crashed to the ground.

However, the poison moth started to glow like moonlight as it slowly rose into the air. Mariah, Mudkip, and Lemonade were shocked to see that the Dustox had recovered so quickly. What was worse for them was that while Dustox was getting stronger, they were getting weaker from the poison. The three collapsed, and the Dustoxs wings began to glow black with a dark mist forming around them. It appeared to be the end

That was, until a shining blast of water knocked the Dustox back into a tree and stopped what could have been a powerful attack. Mariah and Lemonade turned to the Mudkip, but hearing his weak whimpers indicated that he was not the one who attacked. A sparkling beam suddenly hit the mud fishs side and transformed him into a glittering silhouette of light that was pulled into a blue crystal Pokeball.

I mightve been too late to save Mudkip, Mirror Mariah said as she clipped the Pokeball back on her necklace, but at least I was lucky to have my Diamond Wand fixed somehow...sorta. Oh, well. At least I could get some of my powers back with this thing.

With that, Mirror Mariah aimed the Diamond Wand at Mariah and Lemonade, and the diamonds on the Pokeball shot a bright light at them. Suddenly, they felt that they had just woken up from a refreshing sleep.

Wh whats going on?! The Dustox cried, astonished by the sudden recovery of his opponents.

Mariah, hearing words come into her head, aimed the Mirror Wand at the Dustox. Green! Release!

The Mirror Wands green gem flashed a few times before a bright emerald light was shot out of it. The light transformed and faded into Mariahs Treecko, who landed right next to Lemonade.

Whats with the weird Dustox? Treecko asked Mariah after laying eyes on his opponent.

Thats not a real Dustox, Lemonade told Treecko. Its actually some dark bird that turned into one. Youd better be careful, seeing as youre a Grass-type.

Overhearing Lemonades words, Mariah realized that this battle would not be easy for her Treecko. A Dustox was a Bug-type as well as a Poison-type, giving it a huge advantage. Mirror Mariahs Mudkip was severely weakened during the battle, and he had more experience fighting the birds than Treecko. The incident with the dark Torchic started to replay in her mind, which made Mariah even more nervous about her choice. She wished that the whole thing never happened.

But then Mariah felt something stop her

Youll ultimately get what you want if you put in just the right amount of effort.

Mariah recalled the words of her mother, and while it pained her to be thinking about her mother because she was deceased, it managed to give her a reminder of what she should be fighting for. While it was true that she never heard of the Mirror Hoenn nor did she know much about her new powers, she should at least try her best at times like this and learn as time went by. Finally, she looked at her Treecko, who was rather annoyed with her spacing out.

Id thought youd never come back, Treecko teased.

Mariah smiled. Okay, Treecko! Lets go! Use Pound attack!

Without wasting another second, Treecko sprinted toward his opponent, which started to flap its wings to create a small tornado. The wood gecko Pokemon jumped toward the poison moth, but the whirlwind hit him before he was a foot away from it. He landed on ground and skidded towards a surprised Mariah. Treecko, however, slowly got up and eyed his opponent again. The Hoenn Mirror Girl sighed in relief, but she saw that using head-on attacks were not a good idea. Dustox seemed unstoppable.

Just then, Lemonade dashed into Treecko, knocking him upward and making him land on the Raichus shoulders. Ive got an idea! Hang on!

What are you--?! Treecko asked in shock.

Before Treecko could finish his question, Lemonade ran off toward the Dustox, who felt like laughing at what appeared to be a feeble attempt. The poison moth flapped its wings to create another tornado, but it just stared in shock when it saw the Raichu zooming through the winds with very little trouble. Lemonades cheeks sparked before a bolt of lightning was fired at the poison moth. Treecko joined Lemonades assault and opened his mouth, and a bright green sphere fired a beam of the same color at the poison moth. With stinging pain from Lemonades Thunderbolt and energy quickly drained by Treeckos Absorb, the dark Dustox fell to the ground and landed in front of Mariah.

Mariah felt unsure about what to do next until the gems on the Mirror Wand flickered in a chasing pattern. This went on for a few seconds until the gems shined in their solid colors. Just then, colorful lights were shot from the Mirror Wands gems and wrapped around the Dustox. The moth tried to break free, but the lights eventually fully covered it. Finally, the lights vanished, and the only thing that was left in the Dustoxs place was a black feather that fluttered toward the ground.

What is that? Treecko asked in awe.

Mirror Mariah picked the feather up and examined it. Just then, she felt her heart stop for a brief moment as she saw the feather emitted a weak, eerie glow.

No way, she whispered. Its just like the one I found earlier this morning

End of Chapter 4

Miyu-chan
August 13th, 2005, 01:58 PM
Cliffhanger! o.O; Gotta love/hate them. <<;

Anyways... this chapter was great. Light hearted with a bit of suspence. =D However...

The birds felt as if a rock hit them when the thunder-shaped tip of the Pokemons tail swatted them onto the ground. It did not seem to be enough, however, for the birds managed to recover as the Pokemon landed on the ground.


I don't think that thunder has a shape. ;D *gets hit* o.x; Errr... yeah. <<;

Treecko sprinted toward his opponent, which started to flap its wings to create a small tornado. The wood gecko Pokemon jumped toward the poison moth, but the whirlwind hit him before he was a foot away from it. He landed on ground and skidded towards a surprised Mariah. Treecko, however, slowly got up and eyed his opponent again. The Hoenn Mirror Girl sighed in relief, but she saw that using head-on attacks were not a good idea. Dustox seemed unstoppable
I think that choice of a word seems strange somehow, but then again, I'm not the grammar expert. xD;;;; I just *think* it sounds strange.

Great job - and wow, you update fast. xD;

Negrek
September 10th, 2005, 07:51 PM
Well, it's only been about a week. Let's see how this is coming along, shall we?

Chapter Four: Ambush


I just wanted to get out of here and back to my Hoenn.
I think you mean want instead of wanted here. I mean, Mariah still wants to go back home, doesn't she?

Mariah sighed, feeling that she would never return back to her world.
Because to return means to go or come back, to say "return back" is redundant. Just return to, please.

She remembered that some of the shards flew out of the shrine, and there was no way for her to find them all since she barely knew if Mirror Hoenn really was a parallel world.
What does it matter if Mirror World is a parallel of Hoenn here? If Mariah had been in "normal" Hoenn and this had happened, she'd be just as clueless as to where exactly all of the shards had gone, wouldn't she?

...that it was probably because the Mirror Wand needed another...

- I'm just wondering why you went and skipped so much of the aftermath of the shattering of the mirror and then went back and recapped it all anyway. Also, there's a lot of indirect dialogue here, where I think it would be more effective to have the characters actually speaking. It makes sense for the passage where the past is being discussed, but when it's someone talking right then it seems like you may as well stick it in quotes.

Mirror Mariah noticed that Mariah was instead attentive to a small purple rat Pokemon scurrying around the grassy area for food.
Normally you don't scurry around something for something else. What I mean is that you need another word after area, perhaps looking.

- Childlike is one word.

If I see you following me like that again, Ill chomp your wings off! He scampered off.
The "off...off" repetition is a bit annoying here.

Mirror Mariah, embarrassed about what had just happened, got out an indigo handkerchief and clipped the crystal Pokeball off of her necklace.

Mirror Mariah said, holding the handkerchief by one of the corners,

- Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o

- Tissues aren't made out of cloth. Specifically, a tissue is either an absorbent sheet of paper, a thin, nearly translucent kind of paper used for packing, wrapping, or protecting valuable articles, or a gauzy fabric. Gauze isn't the best thing to make a hankerchief out of, so I'd suggest looking for a different word to go here.


Mirror Mariah mumbled to herself that it would still take her a while to get used to her new name by Mariah.
You've been having issues with prepositions, here. In this sentence, "her new name by Mariah" doesn't make much sense. Her new name from Mariah is more correct but doesn't sound much better. I'd suggest rewording the sentence so as to be able to put that last phrase somewhere where you can get a better preposition for it.

After a short pause, Mariah called her, and Mirror Mariah laughed embarrassedly.
No comma after pause.

She rarely had that question asked of her, but she thought about it and turned to her.
The preposition her is used for two different people in the same sentence, which makes it very confusing. This is the problem with having a similar name for both of your main characters.

and that was how she had gotten Treecko.

The Pokemon slowly woke up and wondered what it was that had made him come out of his slumber.

He suddenly heard a cawing noise with his pointy, brown ears, and he turned behind him to see a small black bird perched on a branch above him.
There shouldn't be a comma between pointy and brown. Also, it's a bit weird to have him look behind himself in order to see something up above.

...its sheer power made the birds fall to the ground, unable to continue fighting.


Once the Raichu got up, however, he felt that something was wrong--he had won too easily.

- Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?

Like Mariah, Mirror Mariah struggled with trying to figure out why Pokemon acted strangely and why do strange dark birds often appear.
Wow, something's wrong with this sentence. I understand the first part, but the second part is in a completely different tense. Also, did Mariah really contemplate weird dark birds back in "real" Hoenn all that often? The way this sentence is worded makes it sound as though Mariah is seeing these simliar traits in Mirror Mariah as things she herself does often, but she's only been in the Mirror World for a little bit. You can't really call anything that she's done here "regularly" due to the short duration of her stay thus far.

Both of them had gone/had been through a lot, and now there were in the middle of something that could tear apart both of their worlds.

A bush that he had just passed by suddenly rustled. The Raichu stopped and turned to see something zooming toward his arm and clamping onto it.

The mouse watched the mist gradually increased in size until it vanished.
Increase, not increased. You're still having trouble with tenses; I'll talk about that at the end.

Suddenly, his head began to hurt, and he shut his eyes, hoping that everything would be back to normal.

The Confusion attack had left him in a rather groggy condition, but he mustered up as much energy as he could to run and jump toward the Dustox.

- In terms of game canon, slam does not cause recoil damage.


The Dustox was engulfed by a bright light that faded away once the Raichu executed his Slam attack. It rose into the air without a single scratch on its body...

Despite one of the birds being able to transform into a Dustox, the Raichu knew something was not right since when he fought the other birds.
The word you are going for there is not despite. Despite means in defiance of, which makes no sense in this context. Perhaps in addition to would work better here?

He wondered how another girl could look like Mirror Mariah when Mariah, seeing his surprised expression, slowly stepped up and nervously held out her hand.

He thought that she might be referring to the Guardian because of the resemblance.

In reality, it really did not matter whether or not Mariah returned back to her world.
In reality and really mean the same thing, so this is redundant.

- I'm getting tired of stiking in "had" all over the place, so from now on I'm going to leave that up to you. I'll explain why they need to go in in some places, and where. It has to do with tenses, specifically, variations of the past tense. Unfortunately, I can't find my book that explains this very well at the moment, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold off on an explanation for now, as I'll be helpless without it.

...into a powerful Bug- and Poison-type Pokemon wore...
When you have hyphenated phrases in a series like this you need to hyphenate all of the words.

- This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.

Suddenly, the trees and bushes swirled and flashed with vivid lights.

Youd better be careful, seeing as youre a Grass-type.

...she looked at her Treecko...

...black feather that fluttered toward the ground.

Its just like the one I found earlier this morning

All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect. Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.

You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.

Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.

Strawberry Delcatty
September 11th, 2005, 08:48 PM
Thanks for another great review, Negrek.

-Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o
According to this (http://pokefor.greenchu.de/zukan/gba/pokemon/rattata/breed), Rattata learns it via breeding.

-Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?
The birds weren't actually Pokemon to begin with. They're more or less minions for the main villain.

-This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.
They always seem to get away with that kind of stuff in anime, but if that's the proper way to do a battle...

All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect.
Great. My characterization's getting better.

Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.

You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.
So, the main worry to worry about now is grammar...

Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.
Thanks. I appreciate it.

Negrek
September 12th, 2005, 01:57 PM
According to this, Rattata learns it via breeding.
Oh, yeah, I should have considered egg moves. Sorry about that.

Yeah, grammar looks to be your largest problem at the moment.

Strawberry Delcatty
November 29th, 2005, 04:20 PM
MARIAHS POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAHS ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAHS POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAHS ITEMS: Diamond Wand (an advanced version of the Mirror Wand)

CHAPTER 5: Clues
Mirror Mariah had not been able to take her eyes off the black feather ever since it had appeared. While Mariah, Treecko, and Lemonade wondered what the big deal was, Mirror Mariah saw this reoccurrence as a major clue to what she and all of Hoenn could be up against. However, why were these feathers appearing? Was this a ploy of the enemy?

So, do you know anything about this? Mariah asked.

Some other dark feathers appeared at Ever Grande Cathedral this morning, Mirror Mariah said. The Mirror Masters and I had our hands full with really strong Pokemon. It was a tough battle, but thankfully, Lord Steven came and gave us a hand. When we beat them, however, the feathers appeared She looked at the feather again. And they looked exactly like this one.

Just then, the feather emitted a strange, purple glow. Everyone wondered what was going to happen. The feather, to their surprise, suddenly transformed into a dark, glittery mist that drifted around Mariah.

What the? Lemonade said as he walked up to Mariah. Treecko and Mirror Mariah followed.

Mariah? Mirror Mariah asked, noticing her doubles suddenly disconsolate expression.

I want to go home Mariah sobbed. I wish Mom was still alive I wish I could go back to two weeks ago so I could stop that car accident

Mirror Mariah paused for a moment. She had a feeling that this tactic was a last resort of the opposition, so she made her Diamond Wand appear in a flash of light and aimed it at Mariah. The Hoenn Mirror Girl shuddered and moaned as she slowly turned to Mirror Mariah with a blank expression. Suddenly, a blast of sparkling water was shot out of one of the diamonds and splashed all over Mariah. She let out a brief cry before she came to her senses.

Are you okay, Mariah? Treecko asked, concerned about his trainer. You seemed to just black out when that weird wind was around you.

Mariah said nothing. She knew that her mother was gone, and nothingnot even her powerscould undo what had happened. The pain was still strong, and there was someone who had the ability to make it worse. However, she also knew that, in a serious time like this, she had to stay strong.

Mirror Mariah, Mariah said with a serious look on her face, lets get going.

Mirror Mariah, a bit surprised but glad to see that Mariah had returned to herself, nodded and went ahead with her double close behind. Treecko and Lemonade looked at each other and shrugged before they left with the girls.

Meanwhile, a bat-winged girl who was watching the group jumped from one of the lavender rose trees. Facing the direction of Moonlight City, she got out a wand with a gray and black Pokeball with bat wings. She pointed it ahead of her, and the crimson gems on the top gray part of the Pokeball emitted a faint glow.

Its there the demonic girl said to herself.

***

In a clearing near a mountainous area, a white, monkey-like Pokemon made a claws-forward lunge toward a giraffe Pokemon and scratched it on the side. The giraffe, not in any serious pain, retaliated by firing a bright, colorful beam from its horns. The hustling Vigoroth evaded the attack, but a second beam caught him by surprise and hit him in the chest and knocked him on his back. The Girafarig, confident now that it was on the offensive, charged toward the fallen monkey.

Vigoroth, Crush Claw! a man yelled.

With the command in mind, the Vigoroth jumped on his feet. He raised his suddenly glowing claw and ran toward the Girafarig again. The giraffe began to ram its head into Vigoroth, but the wild monkey blocked the Girafarigs Take Down with one claw and slashed his opponents face with the other. Girafarig was sent flying into the air and was about to crash into some rocks, but it glowed a pale blue and floated down to the ground without injury.

A man who was wearing a brown jacket, and Vigoroth were shocked at the Girafarigs creative use of its Psychic attack. However, the man saw that something was wrong. Wild Girafarig did not learn Psychic naturally, and the long neck Pokemon did not belong to any Trainer.

Vigoroth, be careful, said the man, noticing that his Vigoroth was exhausted.

Dont worry, the Vigoroth huffed. I can take this creep

Vigoroth saw that the Girafarig was galloping toward him at a high speed. He took a few steps forward but did nothing after that. The long neck Pokemon rammed its opponent, who was unusually still. However, both Pokemon were blown back when the Take Down landed. Vigoroth landed on his backside; Girafarig landed on its side.

The Vigoroths trainer was surprised by what had just happened, but then he smirked. He figured out that his Vigoroth had used Counter to double the damage done by Take Down. Proud of his Pokemon and feeling that he needed a rest, he got out his Pokeball and aimed it at the Vigoroth. A red beam was fired at the white sloth, sucking him into the ball almost immediately after making contact with him.

The trainer looked at the fallen Girafarig and noticed something strange: a black haze surrounded the Pokemon for a few seconds before it formed into a black feather. As the trainer walked up to it, it emitted an eerie glow.

Another one he said to himself.

***

Moonlight City was like any other city if one could ignore the fact that almost the entire city was white. Everything from the ground to the buildings was as bright as its namesake. Mariah and Treecko occasionally rubbed their eyes due to the brightness of the area. Luckily, the citizens were more colorful than the city, although their fancy attire would suggest to Mariah that they were either rich or famous celebrities. It was hard for Mariah to believe that Moonlight City was to Mirror Mariah and Lemonade as what Petalburg City was to Treecko and her.

Mirror Mariah slowly waved her hands in a circular motion before a glow appeared in front of her. The glow formed into her heart-shaped bag. She checked through her main compartment at the top of the heart area and the star-shaped compartment at the front of the bag.

Oh, no, Mirror Mariah moaned. All I have are a green and a yellow Maxim Berry. Looks like I have to stock up on supplies here.

Cant you just heal your Pokemon yourself? Lemonade wondered.

Unfortunately, Ive lost the majority of my powers, Mirror Mariah said. I still have the Diamond Wand, but with what we could be facing, I dont think itll be enough.

Mirror Mariah turned her attention to Mariah. She still could not believe that, despite the fact that she did not know much about the Mirror Wand or the world she was currently in, Mariah had managed to defeat the likes of a Magma Magician. It appeared to be dumb luck at first. However, another possibility came to her: could she rely on Mariah to help her find the cause of the recent events?

Mirror Mariah? Is there something wrong? Mariah asked, noticing the blank expression of her doubles face.

The Guardian snapped out of her thoughts. Oh, nothing nothing at all. She laughed embarrassedly. Anyway, lets go to the PokeShop.

Mariah was about to say something when Mirror Mariah grabbed her arm and ran off with Lemonade close behind. Treecko wondered if Mirror Mariah was always like that and was about to follow the girls and the Raichu when something caught his eyean orange, rabbit-like Pokemon was sleeping under a windowsill of a fancy-looking apartment. The wood gecko, curious about this Pokemon that he had never seen before, went to it.

The Pokemons large ears perked a few times, and its fur appeared to be shiny; it was almost like glass. Its cheeks were the same color as its slowly wagging tail, which was shaped a little like an upside-down diamond. The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing paws that were white at the tip. Treecko wanted to know more about the Pokemon, but he did not want to wake it up. Still, he could not help but just look at the rabbit Pokemon.

Treecko! Lemonade called. What are you doing over there?

Treecko turned to see that the Raichu had came back for him. Well, uh I was just wondering what this Pokemon The lizard turned and noticed that the rabbit had woken up and left. But it was Treecko, wondering how the rabbit had just gone off, had a puzzled look on his face.

Hey! Lemonade knocked Treecko off his feet and made him land on the Raichus back. Lets go, already! The girls are waiting for us!

You dont always have to give me a piggyback ride, Treecko said, rather annoyed.

***

Unlike the other buildings, the PokeShop was not as fancy; it was merely a gray, concrete building with a whitish-blue roof that had a model of a giant Pokeball on it. Mariah and Mirror Mariah had already gone inside by the time Lemonade and Treecko arrived. The two Pokemon went inside and saw Mirror Mariah gathering blue and red bags and a small, pink box while Mariah was looking at the merchandise.

While Mariah recognized the familiar Pokeballs and Repels on the some of the shelves scattered throughout the store, she was surprised that there were no Potions and other healing items. What she did notice was that the shelves on the wall had pink boxes of cupcakes, blue bags of peanuts, and red bags of peppers. On the shelves next to them were clear door refrigerators that had several rows of various flavors of pudding, and on the other side of the store were colorful ribbons.

What kind of store is this? a confused Mariah asked.

Its a PokeShop, Mirror Mariah said. Trainers usually have to come here when they want to stock up on supplies. Since youre going to be here for a while, I suggest you do the same.

Mariah sighed and checked out the shelf in front of her. She saw what appeared to be tiny containers with P-UP, S-UP, and D-UP written on them. Just then, she noticed that there was a price tag stuck on the bottom of the P-UP bottle which read POWER UP. 50 MIRRALS backwards. Unfortunately, Mariah did not have any money at least, none that would be accepted in Mirror Hoenn. Also, she did not know what these items would do to her or her Pokemon.

Just wondering, Mariah asked Lemonade, hoping he would have some answers, whats this Power Up exactly?

Lemonade paused in confusion for a moment. He felt that Mariah, since she appeared to be related to Mirror Mariah, should know what the items do like the back of her hand. Nevertheless, he sighed and looked up at her.

Power Ups increases a Pokemons attack power in battle, Lemonade said. You usually have to give it to your Pokemon before the battle actually starts, and the effects wear off after the battle since the Pokemon uses up more energy than usual. A lot of trainers dont use them much because of that. Thats basically what Ive been told from my old Trainer when she gave me some Speed Ups, which do the same thing with a Pokemons speed.

From Lemonades description, it was clear to Mariah that the Power Ups, Defense Ups, and Speed Ups were like the X Attack, X Defense, and X Speed items back in her Hoenn. Some of the other items here would have similarities to the ones in her world, but she needed Mirrals to buy them. She went over to Mirror Mariah, who was gathering pudding.

Uh, Mirror Mariah? Mariah began with a sheepish laugh. Im just wondering if I could uh would you mind if well?

Do you want some Mirrals? Mirror Mariah asked.

Mariah blushed. Yeah

To the Hoenn Mirror Girls surprise, Mirror Mariah handed her a handful of golden hearts, which had the number five written on them, and bronze stars, which had the number one on them. Mariah started to speak, but Mirror Mariah shook her head.

Thats three hundred Mirrals, Mirror Mariah said. However, if you want more, you have to get them yourself. In any case, Ive got everything I need. Lemonade and I will be going to Petalburg Mansion. You and your Treecko can meet us there when youre finished shopping.

After Mirror Mariah paid for the items at the counter, she left the store with Lemonade following. Mariah took one look at her newly acquired Mirrals for a moment before she started to head to the pudding.

***

Im beginning to wonder about that other you, Lemonade said to Mirror Mariah. Id thought that she would at least know how Power Ups work. It makes me think that shes from another world or something.

Mirror Mariah could not tell Lemonade how right he was about Mariah. Surely, the Raichu would find it rather unbelievable if Mariah, according the Lord Stevens theory, was from another portion of the Light Universe. A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician. The Guardian could not get her mind off of how someone like Mariah managed to win and that there was something special about her. Despite that, she could not help but feel some jealously along with concern every time she thought about that.

Well worry about teaching that other Mariah the ropes later, Mirror Mariah finally said, putting her thoughts aside as she spotted a large, whitish-yellow mansion. Were here.

Mirror Mariah knocked on the door a few times, but there was no answer. Again, she knocked, but still no response. She was about to leave when Lemonade made the door open by jiggling the handle.

Lemonade! Mirror Mariah said in surprise.

Youre the one who wanted to come here. Lemonade ran ahead, and Mirror Mariah was not too far behind.

***

It was not every day that one met a cashier with the ability to condense items into little pearls, but Mariah realized that almost anything could happen in Mirror Hoenn when she saw that the items she bought could be compressed that way at a PokeShop. Also, the pearls and her leftover Mirrals were pulled into the Pokeball on the bow of her shirt in the same fashion a trainer recalls a Pokemon; it was bizarre and unexpected yet convenient.

Im starting to wonder whether or not Sailor Moon went through stuff like this, Mariah said, rubbing her eyes due to the citys bright white color as she left the PokeShop.

Treecko, on the other hand, had his mind on the rabbit Pokemon he saw earlier. What kind of Pokemon was it? Would it be a helpful ally to him and Mariah? Hopefully, it would not be anything like the hasty and impatient Lemonade.

Mariah, Treecko said, are there any rabbit Pokemon back in our Hoenn?

Mariah thought about the question for a while. Well, theres Azumarill. I remember seeing some at a Pokemon petting zoo when I was younger. Why?

Was it small and orange? Treecko asked. Did it also have a weird tail?

Well, I dont know about small and orange, Mariah said. It did have a tail with a round, blue ball at the end, though.

Treecko shook his head. It had a yellow, diamond-shaped tail. The ears were shaped like that too. It also had really glossy fur, and--

Im sorry, Treecko, Mariah said with a shrug. I never saw a Pokemon like that before.

Treecko sighed and decided to drop the subject for the time being. However, Mariah thought about what Treecko just said. Could there be Pokemon that were only found in Mirror Hoenn? If there was, they would surely help Mariah while she was here in this strange world. Pokemon were rather intelligent creatures, after all.

Mariah suddenly stopped when she noticed a man in a brown jacket heading in the direction of a whitish-yellow mansion. He appeared familiar to her, but after it finally came to her, she ran up to him with a surprised Treecko right behind her.

Excuse me, Mariah said.

The man turned to Mariah after hearing her. Hello. May I help you?

***

After Mariah and Treecko had met up with Mirror Mariah and Lemonade in the mansion, they explained to the man, who introduced himself as Norman, what had happened.

I never thought that the Sovereigns premonition would actually happen, Norman said after a long pause. The fact that theres another Hoenn under possible affect from whats been happening doesnt make things any better.

So, do you know whats going on? Mirror Mariah asked, wanting to get more details out of the situation.

Norman folded his arms. If I remember correctly, everything that has happened involving these strange birds and dark Pokemon is the work of one of the spirits that used to work for the Sovereign. Usually, a spirit has to keep a watchful eye over an area they have been assigned to. He then lowered his head. Unfortunately, there are times where some of the spirits tend to turn their backs on the Sovereign for their own selfish reasons. Im willing to bet that this particular spirit did so in order to get something, but I have no idea what it is.

Norman faced Mirror Mariah, who became a little uncomfortable upon his sudden eye contact. Im surprised that you lost against it and youre the Guardian of Hoenn, he said with a bit of scorn. I dont think that the Overlord would approve of that.

But Mirror Mariah suddenly stopped when she noticed that Norman was still looking at her, knowing that she was in no position to say anything.

However, Norman began, you managed to do another important job when you found this girl even if it was a bit late.

Norman got up and left the room, much to the confusion of the two Mariahs.

***

Later that night, Mariah lay in bed wide awake. The recent events replayed in her mind before she mentally heard Normans words being spoken once more. While she realized that she had some importance to what was happening, it was not easy to accept it.

Mariah sighed and tried to go back to sleep when she heard a noise. Without wasting a second, she hurried to the window and saw a gray flash of light. When it died down, she saw something that she would never expect to see: the dark Torchic. Mariah, seeing that it was back for revenge, hurried to Lemonade who was sleeping at the side of the bed.

Lemonde! Mariah shook the Raichu awake but stopped and removed her hand when she felt a prick of static electricity.

What is it? Lemonade asked with a yawn.

Mariah headed back to the window. Hurry and get Mirror Mariah! The dark Torchics back!

Lemonade, now fully awake, nodded and left the room. Meanwhile, Mariah opened the window. Her wings fluttered fast enough to allow her to float down to where the Torchic was. The gray chick turned around as the Mirror Wand formed in Mariahs hand.

Green! Release! The green gem on the Mirror Wand glowed and shot out a light of the same color. When the light hit the ground, it formed into Mariahs Treecko.

The Torchic wasted no time attacking by firing its embers at Treecko. However, the Wood Gecko dashed to the side to elude the attack before zooming toward the Torchic. Before the fire chick knew what happened, it was thrown off its feet when Treecko hit it with his thick tail. In spite of this, Torchic quickly got up and fired more embers at Treecko. Again, Treecko dodged, but one of the embers hit him on the side. He moaned in pain as he held his side.

Treecko, are you okay? a concerned Mariah asked.

Aside from almost being fried, Im fine, Treecko said.

The Torchic saw an opportunity to attack and ran towards Treecko. When it was less than a foot away from him, it jumped up and, in a kicking motion, scratched Treecko in the face with its talons. The Wood Gecko took a few steps back to catch his breath when he felt a sharp pain on his cheek. Mariah noticed that the Torchics Scratch attack have made a slight cut. While Treecko appeared to be on the verge of fainting, Torchic almost looked like it was unscathed.

Recall Green! A light shot from the Mirror Wands green gem. Once it made contact with Treecko, it transformed him into a green light before pulling him into the Wand. All Mariah could do now was hold the Torchic off before help came.

Youre pathetic.

The Torchic focused it energy before releasing it in the form of a stream of fire. However, Mariah aimed the Mirror Wand at the fire and hoped something would happen. Sure enough, when the fire reached her, the Pokeball on the wand opened up and absorbed the flames. Both Mariah and the Torchic were surprised at this, but Mariah was even more surprised when the Mirror Wands wings shone with a bright light before they fired energy in the form of a small, star-shaped comet right at the Torchic. To Mariahs dismay, however, the Torchic avoided the attack by burrowing into the ground. Before Mariah could figure out what would happen, the Torchic appeared from the ground and scratched her in the face with its talons. The surprised Mariah let out a short yelp of pain as the Torchic prepared to move in towards her.

Oh, no, you dont! Lemonade appeared between Mariah and Torchic before his cheeks flared up with electricity.

The Torchic was not very intimidated by Lemonade, but then Mirror Mariahs Mudkip and a brown sloth Pokemon joined him. Mudkip was taking a deep breath to attack when he was stopped by a flurry of fire-tipped arrows. Everyone was surprised at this sudden assault, but Norman was not too sure if the chick Pokemon was behind this.

Slakoth, Sunny Day, Norman said.

The brown sloth closed his eyes and began to exude a faint orange glow that gradually became brighter. The sky changed from a starless night sky to a bright blue as the sun became visible. The sunlight revealed a bat-winged girl with a bow and arrow. Mariah suddenly became surprised when she saw her. Like Mirror Mariah, the girl in the tree resembled her greatly, but she appeared to be a dark side of her. The devil Mariah jumped down from the tree and held out her hand. A black whirlwind appeared briefly before a dark version of the Mirror Wand appeared in its place.

Crimson Wand, recall Torchic! The crimson gems on the devil Mariahs wand started to glow brightly before shooting a dark red beam. Once the beam made contact with the Torchic, it turned into a light that was reeled into the Wand. The shadowy Mariah looked disapprovingly at Mariah and Mirror Mariah.

This is supposed to be one of the girls the Sovereign chose?

Mirror Mariah got upset at the comment. Deviri, I know she isnt close to my level, but if we give her a chance, Im sure shell

Angeri Deviri shook her head. You, as the Guardian of Hoenns Light Universe, should take this situation a lot more seriously than you are now. It was rather disappointing for me to find out that the ones that the Sovereign chose to represent the Shadow Universe no longer exist. I was hoping you would do your share to find the ones that represent the Light Universe but from what Ive seen, that has ended in failure as well.

You cant expect me to know everything about my powers as soon as I get them! Mariah retorted, trying to defend Mirror Mariah.

Angeri, or Mirror Mariah as you call her, isnt the best Guardian Ive ever seen, Deviri began. She tends to let her emotions and nave thoughts about everlasting peace come in the way of her business.

I dont know about you, Angeri said, but Ive been taking care of this since Ever Grande Cathedral was attacked! Its not like you never had to go through this since youre the Guardian of Shadow Hoenn!

Upon hearing what Angeri said, Deviri gritted her teeth and balled her fist for a few moments. Her Crimson Wand vanished in a puff of dark red smoke, and she rose into the air.

By the way, I heard about the Golden Gateway, Deviri said. If you want to find the shards, I suggest starting in Rustboro Ruins.

Well, since you know where the shard is, would you mind helping us? Angeri asked.

Sorry, Deviri said. I have some things to take care of. And with that, Deviri vanished.

It was obvious things would get harder from this point.

End of Chapter 5

Miyu-chan
December 3rd, 2005, 03:19 PM
Oooh, very interseting chapter. xD I love the way suspense builds up revolving around the black feathers.

My favorite scene was the one where Mariah and her counterpart were in the PokeShop. xD

“Unfortunately, I’ve lost the majority of my powers,” Mirror Mariah said. “I still have the Diamond Wand, but with what we could be facing, I don’t think it’ll be enough.”

There should be an 'of' there, right? n_n;;;;

oni flygon
December 4th, 2005, 10:38 AM
You must've been waiting for this post for a long time... =D

Congrats! Fanfiction of the Month!

*confetti*

Strawberry Delcatty
December 4th, 2005, 12:44 PM
Oooh, very interseting chapter. xD I love the way suspense builds up revolving around the black feathers.

My favorite scene was the one where Mariah and her counterpart were in the PokeShop. xD
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the chapter. I kinda struggled with this one with how it should go, but it's good to hear that I'm still going in the right direction.

As for the PokeShop, well, that won't be the last one... and the stuff there won't be anything less... out of the ordinary either.

You must've been waiting for this post for a long time... =D

Congrats! Fanfiction of the Month!

*confetti*
Excuse me for a sec...

*restarts the browser, and then the computer, and finally rams her head against her closet door*

Wow... it's real... @_@

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v250/Ida-chan/doremi.png
*couldn't help but to put the happy Doremi pic again, as she is VERY happy*

Negrek
December 26th, 2005, 06:46 PM
So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.

Chapter Five: Clues

Mirror Mariah had not been able to take her eyes off of the black feather ever since it had appeared.

The feather, to their surprise, suddenly transformed in a dark, glittery mist that drifted around Mariah.

Did you mean into instead of in?

I wish Mom was still alive... I wish I could go back to two weeks ago so I could stop that car accident...

She knew that her mother was gone, and nothing--not even her powers--could undo what had happened.

Mirror Mariah, a bit surprised but glad to see that Mariah regained herself, nodded and went ahead with her double close behind.
I don't think that regained herself is the best way to put it; maybe "had returned to herself" instead, or something like that.

Facing in the direction of Moonlight City, she got out a wand with a gray and black Pokeball with bat wings on each of its sides.
This sentence is kinda funny. As is, it actually says that the wand had two pokballs on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).

The Girafarig, confident that it was on the offensive, charged toward the fallen monkey.

This sentence reads a bit strangely. Girafarig should always be confident that it's on the offensive whenever it goes to attack, because it knows what it's trying to do and should never doubt whether it's going offensive. Maybe something like "confident now that it was on the offensive" or "confident because it was on the offensive" would work better.

However, the man saw that something was wrong; wild Girafarig did not learn Psychic naturally, and the Long Neck Pokemon did not belong to any Trainer.

The Vigoroths trainer was surprised by what had just happened, but then he smirked.

Everything from the ground to the buildings was as bright as its namesake color.
Well, moonlight isn't really a color. You'd be fine here if you just cut color off of the end so that the sentence ended with "namesake".

It was hard for Mariah to believe that Moonlight City was to Mirror Mariah and Lemonade what Petalburg City was to her and Treecko.

Mirror Mariah managed to make her heart-shaped bag appear.
I don't know if managed is the word that you want here. It implies that Mirror Mariah was struggling to make her bag appear, and only just was able to get it to show up. Unless you were going for the feeling that she had a hard time getting the bag to appear, then consider rewording this one.

She still could not believe that, despite the fact that she did not know much about the Mirror Wand or the world she was currently in, Mariah had managed to defeat the likes of a Magma Magician.

The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing its paws that were white at the tip.
Remove the its before paws here, so that the sentence reads, "The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing paws that were white at the tip."

Lemonade knocked Treecko up, making him land on his back.
This modifier is a little misplaced. The way that the sentence reads now, Treecko gets knocked over onto his own back, not onto Lemonade's.

What she did notice was that the shelves on the wall had pink boxes of cupcakes, blue bags of peanuts, and red bags of peppers.

You usually have to give it to your Pokemon before the battle actually starts, and the effects wear off after the battle since the Pokemon uses up more energy than usual.

From Lemonades description, it was clear to Mariah that the Power Ups, Defense Ups, and Speed Ups were like the X Attacks, X Defense, and X Speed items back in her Hoenn.
Remove the s on X Attacks in order to keep it consistent with the rest of the items in the list; all the others are singular.

A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician.

It was not every day that a cashier had an ability involving items condensed into little pearls...
This part of the sentence is put together a little strangely. I think that it would flow better if you could find some other way to say it; maybe something like, "It wasn't every day that you met a cashier with the ability to condense items into little pearls..."

If there was, they would surely help Mariah while she was here in this strange world.
That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pokmon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pokmon.

...you managed to do another important job when you found this girl...

Before the fire chick knew what happened next, it was thrown off its feet when Treecko hit it with his thick tail.
You don't need "next" after "knew what happened."

When it was less than a foot away from him, it jumped up and, in a kicking motion, scratched Treecko in the face with its talons.

Mariah noticed that the Torchics Scratch attack had made a slight cut.

While Treecko appeared to be on the verge of fainting, Torchic almost looked like it was unscathed.

Before Mariah could figure out what would happen, the Torchic appeared from the ground and scratched her in the face with its talons.

Mariah suddenly became surprised when she saw her, though.
You don't need "though" at the end of the sentence, unless there's some reason for us to assume that Mariah shouldn't be surprised by the sudden appearance of the bat-winged girl.

...but from what Ive seen, that has ended in failure as well.

...but Ive been taking care of this since Ever Grande Cathedral was attacked!

So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see. Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pokmon that remains sort of faceless.

Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?

Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.

I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.

Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.

Strawberry Delcatty
December 26th, 2005, 07:24 PM
So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.
No problem.

As is, it actually says that the wand had two pokballs on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).
I was trying to imply that the wings were on each side of the Pokeball.
*makes note to draw the wands*

That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pokmon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pokmon.
Oh... I was trying to make it seem like that Rattata attacked Mariah out of suspiscion of her. If someone was following you, you'd be pretty suspiscious of that person... or at least, that's how I see it.
Thankfully, there would be Pokemon that would be a bit more opening to her.

So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see.
To be honest, they were kinda hard to catch (even when I proofread it!).

Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pokmon that remains sort of faceless.
Well, two out of three isn't too bad.

Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?
Kinda of a long story, but I try to keep it short and sweet.
Shadow Wing (the main villian) possessed Deviri's Torchic, but it ended up being partial. The times she attacked Mariah was when Shadow Wing got his control over the Torchic back. Even if Shadow Wing gets defeated, there will be some times where Deviri's Torchic goes insane.

Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.
Well, that's mainly because he sees Angeri as a bit incompetent for being a Guardian, but that changes overtime.

I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.
The shopping scene seems to be pretty popular.
As for the food (especially the cupcakes), I never really considered stuff like that. I'm not sure about getting squashed, but food going stale/spoiling would be a good drawback to bring up in the story.

Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.
Thanks, thanks, and thanks to the fifth power. =3

Strawberry Delcatty
February 23rd, 2006, 08:19 PM
MARIAH’S POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAH’S ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks as well as having other unique abilities)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAH’S POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAH’S ITEMS: Diamond Wand (an advanced version of the Mirror Wand)

CHAPTER 6: The Upcoming Disaster?
A faint white glow enveloped Mudkip, and he propelled himself toward Mariah’s Treecko in a fierce roll. Treecko flung himself to the side, however, and the ice ball failed to hit its target. Agilely, Mudkip turned his assault around and headed back in Treeko’s direction. The Treecko chose not to panic, however, and his yellow eyes shifted toward his trainer for further instruction.

"Pound attack!" Mariah commanded.

Treecko immediately spun around. With one hit of his thick tail, he forced Mudkip to suddenly uncurl himself. Mudkip fell on his back and struggled to get up.

“Mudkip, try to use Ice Ball again!” Angeri shouted desperately.

Mudkip managed to curl himself up into a glowing ball again and headed straight for Treecko. The wood gecko scoffed slightly and jumped again to dodge, but Mudkip turned in the direction that Treecko landed and rolled right into him. Treecko, feeling a chill after landing on the ground, had underestimated his opponent a bit.

“Watch out!” Mariah cried, seeing that Mudkip was getting close to the shivering Treecko.

After a quick glance at his opponent, Treecko mustered his strength and dove out of the way. The Water-type suddenly uncurled himself, surprised that his foe was still able to continue fighting.

“Absorb, Treecko!” Mariah commanded, hoping it would clinch the match for her.

Treecko nodded, and took a step forward. He opened his mouth wide, allowing for a large green sphere to form in it. Mudkip looked on, curious and unsure of what exactly he should do. Suddenly, Treecko took a large breath through the sphere and Mudkip felt a sudden shot of pain. Angeri was starting to worry about Mudkip as she saw Treecko radiating the bright green color of the orb. Just then, she thought of a surefire way to regain control of the battle.

“Stop it with your Mud Slap!” she yelled.

Mudkip slowly got up and made his way toward Treecko. Then, he turned around and used his back legs to hurl mud into Treecko’s face. The lizard cried out and tried to shake the mud off of his face. Mariah became tense, seeing that the battle was now in Angeri’s favor. Before the Hoenn Mirror Girl could tell her Pokemon to do anything else, Mudkip curled up into a glowing ball once again and rammed into Treecko. The wood gecko soared through the air, and Mariah caught him in her arms.

“I lost…” Mariah made the Mirror Wand appear in a flash of rainbow light and pointed it at Treecko. A green light shot out from the matching colored gem and transformed her Pokemon into emerald energy upon its contact before sucking it back into the Wand.

“Don’t feel so bad,” Angeri said as she recalled her Mudkip in a similar fashion with her Diamond Wand. Her wand then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Lemonade, who was watching the battle, jumped out of the tree and walked over to Mariah. “At least you made me feel less bored,” he said, trying to make Mariah feel better.

Mariah sighed. “Thanks… I think.”

An owl Pokemon with red and gold feathers landed next to Lemonade upon seeing him.

“Never thought I’d see you again,” the owl said to him. “I could tell you haven’t changed much, and that comment of yours proved me right.”

“Well, that battle wasn’t anything that special, but it’s the best that I could expect from a couple of beginners,” Lemonade said as he put his arms behind his head.

The owl noticed Mariah, who had never seen such a colorful Pokemon before. She was introducing herself, but the owl was constantly looking back and forth between Mariah and Angeri.

“Uh… Cinnamon?” Lemonade poked the confused Noctowl to snap her out of her surprise. “You okay?”

Cinnamon suddenly pointed her wing at puzzled Mariah. “It MUST be her! I know it! There’s no denying it! We just have to find the other five now!”

“The other five what?” Mariah asked.

Cinnamon took a few steps back.

“Forgive me,” she said, slightly bowing. “My name is Cinnamon, and I’m one of the previous Guardian’s Pokemon. I was with Lemonade… who can get on some nerves.”

“Compared to you, Raspberry’s my loving girlfriend,” Lemonade muttered under his breath.

“Anyway,” Cinnamon continued, “I’m sorry I’ve got excited like that. It’s just that I was expecting you to come earlier… as well as having the other five chosen ones with you.”

“It’s said that a while after Hoenn was restored, the Sovereign chose six people in addition to the Elders and Masters to keep it from ever being attacked again,” Angeri said. “Or at least… that’s what I’ve been told.” She then turned away from the group. “I’m guessing the same was for Deviri as well, but something must’ve happened…”

Angeri thought about Deviri’s words:

You, as the Guardian of Hoenn’s Light Universe, should take this situation a lot more seriously than you are now. It was rather disappointing for me to find out that the ones that the Sovereign chose to represent the Shadow Universe no longer exist. I was hoping you would do your share to find the ones that represent the Light Universe… but from what I’ve seen, that has ended in failure as well.

What had happened to the chosen ones who represented the Shadow Universe? It made no sense to Angeri at all.

“Anyway, what are you here for?” Cinnamon asked.

Angeri explained everything to Cinnamon. From the battle with the possessed Zigzagoon and Poochyena to the recent appearance of Deviri and her dark Torchic, the Noctowl felt that the worst had yet to come.

“Did you see anything weird at all?” Lemonade asked.

Cinnamon thought for a moment. “Well, come to think of it… there was this weird light heading toward Radish City last night.”

“Radish City?” Angeri said. “That’s where the Rustboro Ruins are!”

“You guys go ahead,” Lemonade told Mariah, Angeri and Cinnamon. “I’ll check out Petalburg Thicket and let them know about this.”

Angeri nodded. She held out her hand, and her Diamond Wand appeared in a flash of sparkling light. “I just hope I have enough power to at least get us to the other side of Rainbow Route 4.”

As Lemonade headed off, the Guardian held out her wand, and it slowly floated into the air. After a swift flash of light, a mirror that looked like a smaller and pale blue version of the Golden Gateway appeared. It slowly landed in front her.

Angeri went into the mirror, and then Mariah (after a moment of shock). After Cinnamon flew into the mirror, it vanished in a flash of light.

***

The tall trees of Petalburg Thicket blocked out some of the sky, yet their leaves had several blends of colors. Some of the vines that wrapped around the trees and stumps were the regular color of green, but others were black with thorns that were colored a greenish-yellow at the tip. Lemonade headed to one of the trees and looked up to see a sleeping pink Pokemon with leaves on her head.

“Angelcake!” Lemonade called to the Pokemon. “Get down here! I wanna ask you something!”

The Hoppip yawned and looked down at Lemonade. “What is it?”

“Did you see any black birds around here?” the Raichu asked.

The pink cottonweed drifted down and landed on Lemonade’s head. “No. Why’d you ask?”

“Get everyone here,” Lemonade said to the Hoppip. “I want to make sure everyone knows about this.”

Complying, Angelcake the Hoppip floated over to a small ledge and let out a whistle. Within a few seconds, a bunch of Taillow, Wurmple, Slakoth, Poochyena, Zigzagoon, Shroomish, and all of their evolved forms gathered to where Lemonade was.

“Okay, Lemonade,” Angelcake said. “Everyone’s here.”

Lemonade stepped up, looked at the Pokemon, and explained everything from the fake Dustox to the encounter of Deviri to them. The crowd occasionally talked amongst themselves about the situation, but it was not until Lemonade brought up Cinnamon seeing the light that he really caught the Pokemon’s attention. To some, the dark birds and the light were linked. To others, they were just separate omens that were prophesizing a catastrophe for Hoenn. Whatever the case, the Pokemon could not help but worry.

A butterfly Pokemon, however, felt that there was some light in the currently spreading darkness. In an attempt to raise to raise everyone’s now worried spirits, she stood next to Lemonade.

“Lemonade did say that the new Guardian is doing something about this, right?” she said.

Angelcake sighed at the vain attempt. “Sugar, I appreciate you trying to lighten things up like you usually do, but I’m getting the feeling that the last Guardian passed down his position a bit too early. No offense, but I don’t think I’ll be buying that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ attitude of yours this time after hearing what Lemonade told us.”

“One of the chosen ones is found,” the Butterfree named Sugar said, trying to reassure the Hoppip.

“Yeah…” Angelcake said, a bit irritated. “But there are five more left out there!”

“There’s something else we need to worry about,” a Swellow said. “Lemonade said that the girl with the Treecko started crying when some dust surrounded her and said something about her mother and a car accident. If whoever’s behind this can break down one of the chosen ones like that, I don’t think that things will be looking bright.”

Sugar moaned. Despite her usual good spirits, there was nothing that could change what was happening. The Butterfree looked at Lemonade, hoping that he would have some, if not all, of the answers.

“I still don’t understand why Deviri would come to this part of the Light Universe,” a Shroomish said. “She’d normally care less about what happens here as long as it doesn’t involve her world.”

“It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either, Shiitake,” Lemonade said.

“Unless…” Shiitake the Shroomish turned away from Lemonade and the Pokemon and started to mumble. “A chain reaction between the Light and Shadow Universes will throw them both off balance and destroy them. In order for that to happen, someone has to destroy the source of Hoenn… which is the Golden Gateway. With the things Lemonade told us… If my theory about that light and Radish Ruins is true, then…”

***

In a far away temple, a bright shine caught the eye of a brown rhino-like Pokemon. He could not make out what it was, but upon closer inspection, it appeared to be something gold and pointed.

“It’s probably just some piece of junk,” the Rhyhorn mumbled to himself.

Finally, he dug up a small piece of glass that appeared to be a crooked diamond of some sort. For a few seconds, he was silent, but then something came to his mind.

“What would something like this be doing here? Maybe Roxanne--”

The Rhyhorn’s pondering was interrupted when an eerie, black glow surrounded the shard. Out of panic, he dropped the piece of glass, but instead of falling to the ground, it shot up into the air until it attached itself the ceiling. Bolts of dark lightning combined with a swirling wind were emanating from the shard, and black birds suddenly appeared and attacked the spiked Pokemon.

“Fudge! Get out of the way!”

The Rhyhorn turned around to see a girl with brown hair in slightly messy pigtails and dark skin. Seeing that she would take care of the situation at hand, Fudge knocked the birds back with his horn before finally getting out of the way.

The girl jumped into the air. With her foot out, she spun around as a red glow spread from her foot to the top of her leg.

“Magma Flare!”

The red glow shot quickly from her leg and became a shockwave that knocked some of the birds out of the air.

“Nice going, Connie!” Fudge said with a smile.

Connie landed beside the Rhyhorn. “Thanks. I’m sure it’ll keep them down.”

Still, it was too early to celebrate. There were still many birds to fight, and only a girl and a shiny Rhyhorn stood in their way…

End of Chapter 6