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jirachiman876
June 16th, 2005, 03:40 PM
Hey! My second fanfiction has now arrived. *cheers* It took me a couple months to finally get it ready to be brought to the public but I think that this is much better than my last fic. Well read, reveiw and enjoy


CHAPTER I

Finish it with a Dragon Claw! a tall fourteen-year-old boy with dark brown hair
ordered a large, olive-colored dinosaur.

The green monster had a large, pegged tail along with three little crests on his
head and dull spikes running down the back of the mammoth creature. In center of
the olive beings armor was a large diamond-shaped area of jade coloring along
with rounded black triangles on the knees and chest. This giant olive monster was
known as Tyranitar. Gasping for breath to deal the final blow, Tyranitars stubby
arms, complete with glowing red claws, were slashing through the air toward a
large dragon, peach in color. She was a typical dragon of old with tiny blue wings
and a long fat tail trailing behind. This one was known as the mythical Dragonite.
Both monsters were covered in gashes and bruises from the battle between
dinosaur and mystical dragon. Her skin-colored chest was heaving with exhaustion
and her usually happy face had been wiped clear and was scrunched into a hurtful
grimace. The usually gay black eyes were drooped with exhaustion as she slowly
tried to dodge Tyranitars attack. The thin antennas on Dragonites head sparked
with electricity at she tried to shoot a bolt of lightning out at the opposing beast.
Failing with the task, Dragonite was sliced across the chest, Tyranitars three
claws digging deep into her flesh, warm blood flowing out the wounds. Unable to
take any more punishment, Dragonite fell to the icy floor as a cry of defeat and
pain, sewed into one long bellow, was released from her gaping open mouth.

A man in a large red cape and spiky red hair held out a small, two-colored sphere;
the top half was red while the bottom half was white. A crimson, transparent light
shot out towards the fainted dragon, engulfing her, and the female dragon
disappeared into the tiny ball. The brown haired boy did the same- recalling his
Tyranitar into his sphere known as a Pokeball.

This new Elite Four Champion was named Aden. Aden felt relieved; after
traveling for so long and training his Pokemon so much, he had finally achieved
his goal; to be one of the best in Kanto. He walked across the field to the last of
the Elite Four, Lance.

You did a good job, Lance, Aden said, holding out his hand to Lance. He took it
and shook vigorously.

You did much better than me, I must admit, Lance replied, a happy expression
rushing across his face. Follow me; you have to be registered as one of the best in
Kanto.

They both walked toward the wall opposite of where Aden had stood for his battle.
As they approached the royal blue wall, a section of it, big enough for them to
walk through easily, slid apart, and Lance and Aden slowly walked through. The
new room they had entered awed Aden. The pristine walls were like mirrors, and
the blue lights made the room seem alien. Aden followed Lance to a large cubic
machine with four gray hoses jutting out of it and shoving their way into the
mirror-like floor. The black surface of the top of the cube was dented with six
holes, obviously for the Champions Pokeballs. The walls in front of the duo
opened up slowly to reveal a very large, blank, television screen.

This machine, Lance explained, is used to register your Pokemon into the
Champion Database. It also calculates the time it took for you to beat the Elite
Four. Put the Pokeballs of your comrades into these indentions and they will be
registered along with you into the Kanto Hall of Fame. I also need your Pokedex.

Aden unclipped all of his Pokeballs from his brown belt, which was holding up his
blue jeans, and placed them gently into the indentions on the strange machine. He
reached into the pockets of his dark blue, Mario sweatshirt and pulled out a red,
folded electronic device and handed it to Lance, too. Lance slid Adens Pokedex
into a slot that Aden hadnt noticed before. Lance pressed a button and the
television screen burst into life. Adens Pokeballs started glowing such a brilliant
white that Aden had to squint to see what was on the screen. The screen showed
Aden in what he was wearing now and his whole team: Tyranitar, Salamence,
Scizor, Charizard, Dragonite, and Gardevior on a white-colored background. Their
figures were giving Aden a large sense of pride and relief. A set of numbers
suddenly appeared under the figure of Aden. They read 5:39.

Its astonishing! This is the best time of a person that has beaten us! Lance
gasped silently at the numerical figure. He has qualified as being one of them. I
think he deserves it, but I dont know if he has even heard of this archipelago.

Do you know of the Sevii Islands, Aden? Lance questioned, regaining his
composure.

Yes, I have, Aden replied quizzically, though not much. All I know is that
theyre a chain of islands far south of Kanto, and that you must use a ferry to reach
them due to the unusually strong currents.

Have you heard that the Pokemon Grand Council, or PGC, wants to make the
chain of islands a league, like Kanto. Lance started. We have been hiring gym
leaders to go to the Sevii Islands. The order we having been basing which gym
someone would rule -along with what island- is the time they scored in the Elite
Fours around the world. You have the best time which makes you on Island Nine
and the last to be defeated in the Sevii Islands!

It took Aden a few seconds for the new information to sink in. He contemplated it,
and, realizing that he was now a gym leader, his eyes grew wide in excitement and
pure joy, silently cheering like a madman on crack.

Here, Lance handed Aden a ticket of some kind, colored in all the colors of the
rainbow. A sleek hydrofoil was in a box near the top, and in printed words in the
center was:

The Sevii Island Rainbow Pass
Grants you access all nine islands.
Go to the nearest port and show this pass
to the ticket collector
to sail to the chosen island.

This is for getting to your island. Your gym has already been set up by my team
on your island. Good luck! Lance explained, walking out a camouflaged side
door. Aden was about to follow him when the lights went out. The darkness didnt
last for long, though, as blazing red arrows pointed in the opposite direction.
Seeing a small door outlined with red neon lights, Aden walked in the direction of
the arrows and exited. After being in artificially lit rooms while battling the Elite
Four, the early evening sunlight was blinding. Aden had to squint for a few
seconds until his eyes adjusted to the brilliant light. He looked around to see
where he was. A wall of trees was in front of him; their sparkling green leaves
were fluttering in the high altitude wind of the Indigo Plateau . Behind him was
the solid, gray, windowless structure of the Plateau. A narrow ally of dewy green
grass was on both sides; Aden decided to go to the left simply because he could
make out the gray and dirty concrete of the walkway going from Victory Road to
the Plateau. When he put his feet back on the concrete, Aden looked back at the
giant red and blue building. When he first entered to start his challenge, he saw
that the outside windows were like mirrors. Now that he looked back on all of his
battles, Aden didnt remember any windows.

I guess its just mirror plated siding to make the building look cool, Aden sighed
to himself. He unclipped a Pokeball from his belt and threw it. In a red flash, a
large, orange, dragon beast with large blue wings and muscular arms and legs
appeared in front of him. His belly was a bright yellow and his long tail had a
violent flame burning. His monstrous neck bent down to Adens level and his face
showed an expression of confusion.

Wanna go see Mom and Dad, Charizard? Aden asked his dragon. Charizard
nodded and lowered his body so Aden could get on. Aden climbed on and sat
behind Charizards wings. With a slight kick, Charizard lunged into the clear skies
with his wings beating fast to accommodate for the extra weight of Aden. Leaving
the Indigo Plateau beneath and behind, Charizard and Aden set a beeline to home,
Celedon.

With Celedon in sight, Aden nudged Charizard down towards the ground. They
landed just outside the large city, on a dirt path that goes from Celedon to Cycling
Road. Aden slid off Charizard and onto the dry, yet green, grass; he unclipped
Charizards Pokeball and recalled him in a flash of red light. Aden turned and
walked towards the large city, now waking to the night life as the sun went into
hiding behind the west horizon. At the entrance to the city, an arch, about 10 feet
high, crossed over the path; it read Celedon City in big yellow letters. Aden
quickly walked under the arch and felt the familiar cobblestone street under his
feet.

Celedon was exactly how he remembered when he left for a second time, two
years ago. He had built his Pokemon team up to face the most popular figure in
Celedon, the gym leader, Erika. Both of his parents, along with many of his friends
and complete strangers that knew him, came to see the battle between hometown
hero and gym leader. As Aden walked to his quaint little house, he remembered
the last round of the match as if it were yesterday.

<(^^<)<( ^^ )>(>^^)><( ^^ )><(^^<)

Go Victreebel! Erika shouted, throwing her last Pokemon into the arena. Erika
was a black haired girl in about her lower twenties. For the match, she was
wearing a yellow kimono to give her luck. A large, yellow, pitcherplant-like
Pokemon appeared. The Pokemon had a large Oak Tree leaf covering her gaping
mouth, which had two very sharp fangs, and two more leaves for arms. A long,
brown vine hung from behind her.

It had been a long six on six battle in the large stadium of Celedon Gym; the score
kept evening out after a new Pokemon was thrown into play. Erika had the
advantage because she was the first to take out one of Adens Pokemon. Now it
was tied; Adens Kirlia was already a little tired after taking out Erikas
Vileplume.

Victreebel! Start out with Razor Leaf! Erika ordered. Victreebels two leaf-like
arms started spinning rapidly and soon after, a swarm of razor-sharp leaves were
heading straight towards the nervously shaking Kirlia.

Kirlia, relax! Use Psychic to send the leaves flying back to Victreebel! Aden
calmly shouted to his timid Pokemon. The emerald green ballet Pokemon sighed
quickly and took position for the attack. Her ruby-red eyes glowed light purple,
freezing the leaves in place; then, with a few circular movements and an arm thrust
towards Victreebel, the leaves about-faced and flew towards Victreebel.
Victreebel tried to hop away from the onslaught but was sliced by many of the
leaves.

Victreebel! Vine whip! Erika ordered. With a few bleeding cuts from the leaves,
Victreebels brown vine elongated and shot out like a bullet at Kirlia. Aden
couldnt respond in time as the vine wrapped around the frail body of Kirlia and
swung her about wildly.

Kirlia! Psybeam Victreebel to stop her! Aden acted quickly. It was not quick
enough. Victreebel had acted first and flung Kirlia to the ground as she charged
her Psybeam. Luckily, Kirlia had released a think, circular, dark purple beam as
she hit the ground; it dealt a direct hit to the surprised pitcherplant, flinging her
backwards towards Erika.

Another Psybeam will help, Kirlia! Aden shouted.

Victreebel! Sunny Day! Erika ordered. Kirlia charged up her powerful attack,
her eyes glowing light purple as they did before. Aden glanced at the plant
Pokemon and took a double take. Victreebel was hopping around like a mad
kangaroo, but something was happening. The lights inside the stadium was getting
brighter. He looked at Erika quizzically; she didnt say anything but took out a
pair of calico-rimmed sunglasses for the brightness, leaving Aden to squint just to
see everything happening on the field. Kirlia released her attack, the dark purple
beam was bigger than it was last time. It struck the still bobbing Victreebel on the
head area in mid bob, sending her flipping and striking the floor on the back of her
head. A little dazed by the blow Victreebel quickly gathered solar energy. Aden
quickly understood what was happening but was too late to communicate it to
Kirlia. She was struck with a golden beam of sunlight sent from Victreebels
mouth. She was knocked backwards almost to Adens feet.

Kirlia, Aden whispered to his ballet dancer and winking, lets go ahead and use
that Shadow Ball now.

Kirlia nodded and stretched her arms out in front of her. Dark energy coursed
through her arms and collected from her hands into a ball between them. With an
evil grin on her face, the now very confident Kirlia took aim and flung the
crackling dark energy ball at Victreebel. It struck dead center and engulfed
Victreebel in darkness. When light came upon Victreebel, she looked wilted and
dried-out. Erika gasped and quickly plucked Victreebels Pokeball and recalled
her. The crowd cheered as Aden recalled Kirlia and was presented, by Erika
herself, the Rainbow Badge. The rainbow pedaled flower shone brilliantly as Aden
held it up for his hometown to see.

<(^^<)<( ^^ )>(>^^)><( ^^ )><(^^<)

Aden snapped out of his reverie, conveniently in front of his quiet little house
behind the Celedon department store. It was a long walk home. For a second he
thought he was lost among all the giant skyscrapers and the bustling people trying
to get home for dinner. Aden walked up the whitewashed steps of his front porch.
His house was just a little, light blue townhouse on a little block of other
townhouses. The only thing was that it was the only block with townhouses.
Celedon used to be a little town before a bunch of entrepreneurs came and built a
large, Pokemon department store right near them. Everything else just rose up with
that. Aden knocked on the Lum-wood door; he heard a chair squeak on the
floorboards and slow footsteps toward him. The doorknob rattled and the door
swung inward and a middle-aged woman stood there with a surprised expression
on her rosy face. Her dark brown hair, set up in a bun, had some streaks of gray in
it. She was wearing a crimson-red turtleneck sweater and blue jeans with pink
slippers on her delicate feet. Aden and his mother stood in the doorway and stared
at each other, tears welled up in both of the mother and sons eyes. After a few
seconds, Aden just couldnt take the pause and hugged his mother after not being
able to for over two years.

Who is it Mary? A deep voice echoed from the back of the kitchen where the
wafting scent of cherry pie was coming. A large man in his fifties slowly walked
in. His red hair was starting to fade in color and get gray, along with is beard. He
was wearing his usual Celedon Red Clay shirt and blue jeans. At first sight of
Aden he took off his gold rimmed glasses, cleaned them and put them back on.
Aden went over to him and gave him a hug too.

Mom, Dad, I did it. I finally beat the Elite Four! Aden exclaimed as they sat
down at a table in the middle of a simple kitchen. A convection oven sat in one
corner next to the refrigerator. A sink sat opposite the refrigerator and next to a
Whirlpool dishwasher.

But you wont believe the other news I have, Aden started, about to burst, I get
to be a gym leader!

Adens parents looked at him as if he was speaking Japanese. Aden just smiled
broadly.

Thats wonderful honey, his mother congratulated.

But I would like to spend the night to pack and to finally sleep in my bed again,
Aden sighed, laying his head on the wooden table, is my room the same as it has
been?

His mother nodded and a gleeful Aden ran up the wooden stairs in the living room,
furnished with a black couch facing a large big screen television and little
nick-nacks hanging on the wall. He reached the top of the stairs into a plain
hallway and turned left into his room. It was exactly the same as he left it. His bed
with a Pokeball comforter and sheets was against the middle of the wall. His
computer was still in the same corner it had been since he received it for Christmas
one year. It was laying on a nice finished wooden desk with drawers and shelves
on both sides with all of his books and video games. His night stand was still
standing next to his bed, holding his red and white Pokeball lamp the whole time
he was gone. Two pictures of his two favorite Pokemon hung above his bed. One
of them he managed to catch on his journey; the olive-colored dinosaur, Tyranitar.
The other one was a small off-white creature with a light yellow star hat-like thing
with teardrop looking formations on either side of the mystical Pokemons face.
light green tags were hanging off each of the three points of the star-shaped hat.
Behind the Pokemon were tiny wings and a slit on its belly. Aden stared long and
hard at his favorite Pokemon, Jirachi. Done with looking, Aden left his black
backpack on his bed and went back downstairs for some pie.

Still the same? Adens father asked as Aden came back into the kitchen and
sliding him a plate of cherry pie.

Yes it is. Thank you, Aden said politely as he got his piece of pie. He started
hungrily digging into the delicious slice. With golden, flaky crust sticking to his
cheeks he pushed the empty plate away and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

So where is your new gym? Adens mother asked him.

You know of the Sevii Islands, right? Aden asked his parents; they nodded.

Its on Island Nine; really far out there, Aden explained. The family talked a
little more about Adens travels and what was happening at home.

Well, Im ready for some shut-eye. Beating Kantos best takes a lot out of you.
Goodnight. Aden yawned, and walked upstairs to his room. He flopped on his
bed and fell asleep.


Hey i hgope you liked it. Please tell me anythying I need to work on and also please tell me the mistakes. I took the liberty of not sending this to my beta.
jirachiman out

Casual Billy
June 16th, 2005, 03:59 PM
Jirachiman! I see you posted the fic here too, eh? I'm guessing you already fixed the errors that the reviewers at serebi* (<'cause we're not allowed to say it) pointed out. You really need to get MSW, though. The spacing is all out-of-whack. Yeah, Works is crap. Well, maybe you can download MSW for free somewhere??? (read: get a file sharing program). Cya!

oni flygon
June 16th, 2005, 04:43 PM
Jirachiman! I see you posted the fic here too, eh? I'm guessing you already fixed the errors that the reviewers at serebi* (<'cause we're not allowed to say it) pointed out.
*ahem*

shouldn't that be "the green forum"?

Well, all I can say is that you should fix the paragraphing a bit. They're a bit too compresed for me.

Lily
June 16th, 2005, 05:20 PM
Serebii.net Forums
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Ah...how I love tormenting Niko. ^^

Try paragraphing...and I love that little Kirby line. Also, adding more descriptions between battle wouldn't hurt. =D

oni flygon
June 16th, 2005, 05:57 PM
Yeah, and don't try to go to "anime style battling" which is really annoying...

Serebii.net Forums
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Ah...how I love tormenting Niko. ^^If you weren't my sister...

jirachiman876
June 16th, 2005, 07:19 PM
and I love that little Kirby line
What kirby line I don't rmember a kirby line in there.

oni flygon
June 16th, 2005, 07:28 PM
<(^^<)<( ^^ )>(>^^)><( ^^ )><(^^<)


She's reffering to that one...

IceKing
June 17th, 2005, 05:04 PM
I adored the kirby line too!

HEY EVERYONE! I CAME UP WITH THE TITLE!!!! IT WAS ME ALRIGHT! JUST LETTING YOU GUYS KNOW! IT WAS ME, ME, MEEEE!

Well, that was a good way to start a four hour nap! *Just playing with you!*

Likes
-Description
-Battle Scenes
-Plot
-Style/Flow

Description has always been one of your strongest points, readers can clearly imagine whats going on and you make sure we know what the charachters and pokemon look like. The battle scenes were definetely very good, I sort of wish you dedicated a few chapters just to his battle with the entire elite four since I enjoy reading your battles. The plot is very interesting as well, and I know more about it than the rest of you reviewers, HAH! I adore the style of your writing, it is like the perfect style for me. Although, the huge paragraphs do get on my nerves. With help of the style, your fic flows very easily and I dont have to spend so much effort in keeping concentration


Dislikes
To many to count!!!!!


Seriously, they include
-Sometimes, you go a little overboard with the description
-Lack of personality for charachters
-Kind of awkward at places


Sometimes, you detail and describe things that arent really nessesacry and it can kind of get boring. The charachters could use a bit more personality, but then again it is only the first chapter. They havent really dont too much to seperate themselves from stick figures. Also, I thought it was kind of awkward how after doing such an accomplishment by beating the elite four, Aden is just told to leave and go home. He did something not many people do, shouldnt their be news cameras or something?


Now, for the second part of the super review
[center]Paragraphing/Structure 7/10

I know you cant help the weird fact that its all bunched up, but i took out three points for those immensly large paragraphs

Grammar 9/10

I know you were supposed to have a beta, but I just couldnt give you the full 10 points

Description/Detail 15/15

Wonderful description you got there. I always thoguht your description was your best asset.

Plot/Originality 15/15

Very original plot you got here. A boy defeats the Elite Four in the end of what might have been a typical gameboy fic and gets to be a gym leader, but it becomes much more interesting sooner as I know.

Feasibility 8/10

I already said about the awkwardness, I know you dont agree with me but its just my opinion

Conflict 10/10

There arent really any real conflicts yet, so I gave you full points

Charachters 10/15

Charachters havent shown any real signs of personality yet. You could have portrayed them better

Style/Flow 13/15

I cant say this first chapter was as interesting as most of your previous work.

+1 point for the good battles

TOTAL=88/100

Good job Lewwy! This score is definetely going to turn higher in the next few chapters as long as you make them good. If you get below an 85 on a chapter, I am goign to be very disappointed in you Buddy!!! You didnt win Most Improved Writer at the PokeOscars for nothing. Good luck in your future chapters, if you need help or betaing, just IM me