PDA

View Full Version : The Legend of the Great Beast of the Depths - Part 1: Pokémon FireRed


Story Catcher Mike
June 22nd, 2005, 02:19 PM
I figured I'd release the prologue to my story. It's shorter then any of the other chapters (as it's only 2 pages long) so it may not fit the 900 word a chapter limit, but the rest should, since the others are all like...4-6 pages in length per chapter.

Also, this is part 1 of 3. This takes part with the FireRed characters. The next part takes place with the Crystal characters, and the last part takes place with the Emerald characters. So, you'll just have to wait, watch, and see how this one comes out. Perhaps I'll continue onto part 2 when I'md one writing part 1.

Quick note: The title of this part isn't, yet, thought up. If anyone thinks they can help me think up a title, that would be good. Of course, not much of the story is known, yet, so you'd really have to wait until more comes up ^^" Yeah...anyway...enjoy the story!

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN POKEMON!

Prologue

It was a beautiful day in the Viridian Forest. Everything around was amazingly beautiful. The bug Pokémon of the forest had come out, and many were battling each other for things such as territory, or other things. Deep in the forest, two rookie trainers were battling. “Hey, Akira, I’m going to kick your butt!” one of the trainers shouted.
“Yeah right, Jason, you don’t stand a chance!” the second trainer spoke. Jason was a short trainer of about twelve. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a brown hat that mostly every bug catcher wore. He had his bug catching net and everything with him. Akira, on the other hand, was a tall man. He was about fourteen. He was best known as “The Flame Trainer” because every single Pokémon he had was a strong fire Pokémon. He had fire red hair and fire red eyes. His outfit was fire red colored, along with a black “R” that covered his shirt. “Team Rocket will prevail!”
“Mew?” a voice spoke from nearby. It sounded very quiet and cute. It was the voice of a Pokémon that had been thought to be extinct for a long time. Akira, however, did not hear the quiet little voice.
“Go! Butterfree!” Jason shouted, tossing a pokéball. It landed and Butterfree was released from his pokéball.
“Go! Magmar!” Akira shouted. He tossed a pokéball forward, which landed in front of them. Magmar appeared from the pokéball and looked at Jason.
“Magmar!” Jason shouted. “No way!”
Akira smirked. “Magmar! Fire Blast!” he shouted. Magmar inhaled and breathed out a large blast of fire. It changed shape into a stick figure. It flew forward, striking the Butterfree. In an instant, Butterfree was taken out.
“Butterfree!” Jason shouted.
“I’ll take your Pokémon now.” Akira pulled out a small black ball. He tossed the ball at the Butterfree and Jason’s eyes went wide. He struck the ball with his hand, only to have it bounce off his hand, then go back on course.
“Mew!” the voice shouted, and the black pokéball stopped. It then turned and flew back, striking Akira in the face, making it break in half. Mew appeared from the bushes, his eyes glowing. “Mew mew mew!” Suddenly, Akira was tossed back into a nearby tree. He slammed against it hard, and a loud crack was heard as his back went out of alignment. “Mew!” Mew looked at Jason’s Butterfree for a moment. It looked at Jason, just staring at him. A moment later, Mew quickly flew away and Jason just watched. “Mew!” Jason shouted. He looked at Akira, then to the sky. “I just…saw a…mew?” he blinked some. “I just saw a mew!” He quickly turned and ran off. Akira was just left there unconscious.
Two hours later, Akira had awoken and made his way back to the Viridian Gym. “Master Giovanni…I was stopped…” he spoke as he grew close to a man who’s face was black as light around him kept his face from being visible.
“By who?” Giovanni asked.
“A mew, sir…It came right up to me and sent the pokéball back at me, which resulted in it breaking in half.”
“Mew?! Impossible!” Giovanni shouted, slamming his fist into the arm of his chair.
“No, sir…it was a real mew…”
Giovanni growled. “So, we have a mew on our hands, do we? This ought to be interesting…Deploy Project Rocket.”
“Right away, sir.” Akira turned and walked off. Giovanni laughed.
“Once that mew is mine, I will control the strongest Pokémon in the world. Once I do that, then all will be mine!” Giovanni laughed again. The laugh echoed throughout the room. This was the beginning of something horrible, something dangerous. No one knew what they were getting their hands into.

A/N: So, what do you think? Is it good? It's only begun, so not much has happened, but a lot happens in the next two chapters. I'll be releasing rather slowly, though, so keep watch.

EmeraldSky
June 22nd, 2005, 02:55 PM
Description: Not bad, but you need a bit more.
Characters: Again, not much for now, but Mew is always cute to see
Plot: Now this sounds exciting!

Rating: :chu: :chu: :chu:

Not a bad start!

oni flygon
June 22nd, 2005, 04:43 PM
Well, a bit disappointed since I thought you'd be a better writer than this.

All in all, lacks a bit in description. You need to paragraph a bit because it's annoying to read stuff in block form. There's some unecessary character description in the beginning and a bit of cliche-ness. I don't understand why would Team Rocket recruit a "Rookie Trainer" as you said in the beginning... and the fact that he's already close to Giovanni. I also don't get it why Magmar there already has a Fire Blast attack and the other trainer has a Butterfree when they're both Rookie trainers. I dislike this kind of battling because of its lack of relevant descriptions. It all seems to bland and vague... "anime-style battling" as we call it in this forum. I suggest you to read the stickied topics in this fanfiction forum.

Story Catcher Mike
June 22nd, 2005, 05:15 PM
Actually, I did read them...I'm just not good at telling things like that...also, if it says that The Flame Trainer is a Rookie trainer, then that'a typo which I need to correct...I don't exactly get what you mean by "anime battling" since that's how pokemon are supposed to battle...so maybe if you gave me a bit more description on what that meant, then I might be able to fix that...I don't know, though, because I don't really know what you mean.

Thanks, EmeraldSky. I know the characters aren't that involved, but then, that's just the prologue. I haven't introduced the other characters, yet. Also, for anyone out there, I accept as much constructive critisism as you'll give me. It'll help better me in writing. I'm not that good, yet, and I need to improve, so PLEASE give me some critisism for it, because I actually enjoy it, but if you do PLEASE try to make it as descriptive as you can. I may have graduated top of my class, but I have a VERY small vocabulary.

Strawberry Delcatty
June 22nd, 2005, 05:32 PM
This is from the fanfic FAQ. Hope this helps!

Anime battling- A way a fanfic writer describes a Pokemon battling scene, as if it is a battle from the anime. Anime battling relies heavily on trainer's commands within conversations, and usually lacks description in the Pokemon itself. Anime battling focuses on the trainers giving the commands, rather than seeing the Pokemon in action (as if you're watching the anime and you can see the Pokemon battle, so the writer didn't bother with much work in the Pokemon). The Pokemon trainers say an unnecessary lots, making the battling scene feeling very laggy and boring. Trainers also like to say "anime lines" (corny lines) such as "try to get up," "you earn yourself a good rest" and all other battling boring phrases.


Anime battling will be something like...:

"Go Alakazam!" exclaimed Trainer A as he throw out a red and white sphere. Alakazam came out and eyed his opponents.

"Go Tauros" shouted Trainer B. Her Tauros was let loose from the Pokeball.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack!" said Trainer A as his Pokemon launched the psychic attack right at Tauros.

"Oh no Tauros hang on! Don't give up!" shouted Trainer B as her Tauros got back on his feet. "Alright now counter it with horn attack!"

"Alakazam use teleport to escape!" said Trainer A. Alakazam dodged out of the horn attack.

"You're doing great Tauros! Keep chasing it down with horn attack!" commanded Trainer B as her Tauros launched multiple horn attacks at the psychic Pokemon.

"No Alakazam we cannot lose this gym battle! Use your disable to stop it!"

<repeat crap like that for 60 more paragraphs>


As you see, the trainer does a lot more than the Pokemon which is terrible. We see them giving commands more than the battling itself. Very ugly... however, there are 2 methods on stopping yourself from anime battling.

a) don't use so much conversation commands

b) add in description (most important)

The above scene can be improved into something like this to escape anime battling...


A gym battle has begun in the city of <blank>, as the challenger Trainer A stepped up to the plate. At his call, a psychic Pokemon appeared on the scene, with its deadly psychic weapons ready to launch its fatal attacks. The gym leader reacted calmly at the intimidating scene, and summoned her raging Tauros out into the battlefield.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack now!"

The Pokemon obeyed the command as he raised up his hands, and a purple blast of energy was shot forward from its two metal spoons directly at the helpless Tauros in the blink of an eye. The bull Pokemon was forced onto the ground at the sheer power of the attack, and slid across the gym floor as the gym leader gasped at the power of the devastating psychic attack.


It's still a Pokemon battle, and trainers can still give commands. But this way it's a lot more entertaining.

Anime battling is sometimes purposely used for one of the trainer in a Pokemon battle (usually the loser of the battle) to indicate the fact that this trainer is an idiot. It's pretty much the only time when anime battling is allowed: to mock a trainer.

Pokemon battling should pack descriptions regarding the Pokemon. Describe how the attacks look like, and how the Pokemon reacts to various situations. Don't use a heavy amount of text bubbles for trainer commands. You can easily do the same thing through narration as demonstrated in the example. You can also talk about the emotions of the Pokemon, or the status of the Pokemon during the battle (ex: tired, enraged at its opponent, afraid of its opponent, etc).

Story Catcher Mike
June 22nd, 2005, 05:40 PM
Thanks, that helps a lot. I might go through and edit it all. If I do, I'll edit the post so that it looks better. I'll have to look through the story. I tend to do descriptive stuff a lot, but when I'm writing fanfics I tend to get extremely not descriptive, which is a little annoying. In some of my fanfics, though, I go into heavy detail. So...I'll work on that. Thanks a lot. ^^ Just...uhh...guys...can we remember next time that I have a VERY small vocabulary, and, thus, need as much descriptiveness in what you say as you can manage? I know, I didn't say that before, but now that you know, can we try to remember that? That would be MUCH appreciated ^^"

White_Winter_Wolf
June 22nd, 2005, 07:05 PM
I give four mewtwo's out of five mewtwo's.

:mew2: :mew2: :mew2: :mew2:
Keep writing. You'll never get worse, only better. :D

Story Catcher Mike
June 22nd, 2005, 07:15 PM
Thanks, I'll work on it some more and see if I can't get rid of this anime style battling. We'll have to see what happens ^^