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Casual Billy
June 28th, 2005, 01:21 PM
How do you think Feebas felt before people discovered that they evolved by Pokebloks into their beautiful counterparts, Milotic? Were they content with being not only one of the weakest, but one of the ugliest specie of Pokemon? This one-shot was inspired by this question and this song called Beautiful Broken World by Warren Barfield. Here it is.

BEAUTIFUL BROKEN WORLD

Is there beauty in brokenness?

Hey dad, I caught one! Toshiba pulled on his fishing rod, countering the force exerted by the water pokemon who lay just beneath the surface.

Stay steady, son. This looks like its gonna be your first catch. Do you have your pokeball ready?

I sure do. Toshiba continued to reel in his line, and as the anticipation built, so did the excitement. As the brown-scaled, blue dotted fish emerged from the stream and broke the surface of the rippling water, a look of contempt and disappointment rushed quickly over Toshibas face, replacing the charged and excited look that had presided there just a second before.

It looks like a Feebas, son, his father pointed out.

Im not keeping this thing! Its ugly! the boy shouted, spitefully as he threw the fish back in the water and pocketed his red and white capture sphere.

That wasnt very nice, Toshiba, his father reprimanded softly. Pokemon do have feelings.

Well, I dont know. It was just so ugly, dad! Toshiba now hung his head in shame, digging his feet into the ground with the toe of his black sneakers as an outlet for his embarrassment.

Come on, lets go home, his dad said with a smile that denoted that everything was alright after all. Beneath the surface of the stream, a young feebas contemplated the boys words, though, and even as they left the fishing spot, Toshibas words of contempt and loathing for her hideous figure reverberated through the fishs mind. There was no way for her to change her outward appearance, yet, she was so repulsive because of it. She had caught her reflection in the surface of the water during her short time above the stream, and now she equated this image; the image of a brown, spotted figure with beady black eyes, with one so contemptible and so ugly.

This would not be the last time that she experienced such rejection, though

-----------------------------

Throw it back; I was looking for a Carvannha, and not this ugly Pokemon. The Feebas splashed against the waters cohesive surface, whose tension seemed to be repelling her as a show of disdain for her ugliness, and not as a simple and natural reflex due to the interaction between its component polar molecules.

---------------------------

We need to move to a new fishing spot; I dont want fish from a spot hosting Pokemon as ugly as these. There must be something wrong with the water. Once again, back into the stream. The young trainer picked up his gear and walked off into the forest. The Feebas slowly sank back to the bottom. The sediment at the bottom of the stream kicked up slowly as if it too were offended by her repugnant appearance. Does anyone see the tears of water Pokemon?

--------------------------

This day was unusually calm. Not much fishing going on at all; just one boat calmly sitting above the water. Feebas lay at the bottom of the stream, thinking silently.

What a good day for a fishing trip! The fisherman could be heard saying. He turned on his radio and made himself comfortable in the boat. Feebas ears perked up and she listened intently, preparing to be treated with some sweet and melodic tunes from whatever station he tuned to.

I'm sitting here beneath
This decaying canopy
Sunlight sitting through the shade
It won't be long
Until they're gone away
That's the price we pay

In this beautiful broken world
We laugh and then we cry
There's a wonderful pain and joy
In death and in life yeah, yeah
(Yeah this is life)
Oh, we are living in this beautiful broken world
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

God bless the day
That little Suzy came
Born on a morning in May
And no one knows why time hurries by
And youth makes room for age
I cherish those years
That she was here with us
We shared life and love

In this beautiful broken world
We laugh and then we cry
There's a wonderful pain and joy
In death and in life yeah, yeah
(Yeah this is life)
Oh, we are living in this beautiful broken world
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Would the day still be as sweet
If it had no end
If you never knew an enemy
Oh, could you understand
The worth of a friend

The final words of the song pierced the very depths of her soul, redefining the purpose for her hideousness.

Is there beauty because of brokenness?

Why should it be her purpose to accentuate the beauty of others with her abhorrent form? What kind of existence was it: To be ugly just so that, by contrast, others can enjoy the benefits of beauty? The Feebas had a whole new outlook on life now. All of the throw-backs hurt even more now as she realized that for every one of them, a Pokemon was being adored with equal intensity. She now began to weep, but for nothing. With water all about her, there was not a way to discern her tears from the high-spirited ripples above her.

* * *

So youre the Berry Masters wife, eh? the young trainer asked.

I sure am, son. What can I do for ya?

I need Pamtre berries. Im gonna make my Pokemon the most beautiful at this weeks upcoming contest, the youngster said determinedly. The Berry Masters wife lived with him in a cabin on Route 123, just south of Fortree. She was a nice woman, giving berries to all those who asked for them if they new a special phrase.

I think I have Pamtre berriessomewhere around here or outside, she said in a contemplative tone as she looked around at various wooden cupboards that adorned the walls of her abode. Youd have to know the right phrase, though, young man. I dont run a charity, here, she said, chuckling.

Cant you just give me the berry? the ten year old sighed, annoyed.

Im sorry, but thats not how things work. Now show me the phrase! she said in a tone reminiscent of the famous line from Jerry Maguire.

Um,Challenge Contest is a good one where I come from

Thatll do, take two Pamtre berries. The kid pulled out his pail of already collected Pamtre berries and dropped the two inside of it as he skipped to the door happily.

Thanks a lot miss.

No problem.

* * *

Is there no reason for me to suffer but to add credence to the
blessings of the beautiful?

Feebas swam along with the stream now, thinking hard about her current predicament. She resolved that a life full of throw-backs and lack of appreciation was not worth living. She would swim up out of the water and stay there, suffocating herself.

I will not be a pawn of the beautiful

Above the surface, a young trainer could be heard happily skipping along.

Youre gonna be so beautiful, Ninetales.

Ninetales. A couple of water gunsd put her in her place

The young trainer petted the top of his fire-foxs Pokeball in a love-you-because-youll-win-me-this-contest-money kind of way as he happily began to prance through the tall grass of route 123. Suddenly, his mood was interrupted when, out from beneath the tall grass in front of him, jumped a wild Linoone! It shocked him with its spontaneity and he almost dropped his open pail of Pamtre berries. The pasty-furred weasel confronted the trainer in an aggressive stance now. Long, russet streaks of colored fur disrupted this milky-colored covering on either of its sides as the trainer could see now that it stood on all fours, snarling viciously; it obviously wanted to fight.

I dont want to capture it, but thisll be good practice for mah Machoke! Go, Machoke! With a flick of the wrist, a red and white sphere left the boys hand and landed on the ground. It exploded in a brilliant white light to reveal a blue-bodied, muscle bound, humanoid Pokemon. Use Seismic Toss! The blue Pokemon complied and lunged forward toward the weasel. Before he impacted it, though, the Linoone jumped out of the way and scurried off, running in a direction behind the young trainer. In his path, lay the pail of Pamtre berries, sitting near the edge of the stream that ran along the terrain. In the wake of his fleeing, Linoone carelessly overturned the pail, and as a result, all of the berries went tumbling into the stream. They drifted down to its bottom slowly, and then finally touched the base of the stream. Not being too far away from the Pamtre berries, Feebas caught a taste of their sweetness as they quickly began to release their juice into the water. Soon, because so many were drowned at one time, the water became saturated with their sweet juice and even impeded the fishs lungs from inhaling the oxygen that they craved. Later it was discovered that Pamtre berries were the most powerful ingredient when it came to making purple pokebloks; those used for beauty enhancement.

The Feebas began to swim upwards now, though, intent on ending her life, whose sole purpose it was to accentuate the gifts which she lacked. As she got closer to the edge of the water, where gills would serve her no purpose, her insides began to twitch. She took it as natural apprehension for the end that she had, in her heart, wished to reach and continued to swim on. Reaching a high speed, Feebas finally burst forth from the stream and into the air. Shortly after, the fish landed helplessly on the edge of the water and began to flop around.

That looks like that ugly fish! Toshiba had stood up to walk away, giving up on the prospect of reclaiming his Pamtre berries from their aquatic resting place. When he heard something flop up and hit the ground, he turned around.

The Feebas eyes began to glaze over as her organs began to shut down from oxygen deprivation. Her gills struggled to pump oxygen into her body, but to no avail. On deaths doorstep, the small, brown, blue-spotted, ugly fish began to glow with a beautiful luminescence as her body elongated and her skin softened and changed color. Her small oval-like form transformed into one of a serpent. As the glow subsided, Milotic was revealed. Her glossy finish glistened in the light of a mid-days sun and two long and hair-like appendages complemented the egg-shell-white tone of her body with their rosy hue. Regaining consciousness, the once-ugly Feebas, opened her eyes.

What is this? What have I become? Why did I not die?

She looked herself up and down, studying this change that had come about.

Oh. My. God. Machoke, look at herscales. Toshiba stood in awe of what the fish had become. Thats one gorgeous Pokemon. With this and Ninetales, theres no way anybodys beatin me at any beauty contest all the way from here to Slateport!

So now Im in the same league as Ninetales, eh? The same league that feeds off of the ugliness of others to accentuate its own beauty? The same league that was the bane of my existence not but 10 minutes ago?

From this day forward, she was condemned to be beautiful.

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Okay, that's the end of my first one shot. Eh.

CREDIT: Floating Flames gave me the idea to have the milotic be alive at the end. I had originally had that feebas die anyway.

IceKing
June 28th, 2005, 03:08 PM
PSSST! You double posted this thread moron!

THE CUTE FIC!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I actually liked the original idea with milotic dieing in the end.


To be honest, I wasnt too fond of the fic. It was ok I guess. I felt like some of the sentences and words were out of place and the transition was rather poor IMO. And it was kinda confusing as well for me.

But now that Im done being mean ill tell you what I DID like. I did like how you showed the rejection Feebas felt through the different scenes. Though, most people in the real world would love to see a Feebas. The ending was rather cool with Milotics comment about beautiful people. I liked the description too, but overall I felt it didn't really stick together that well. Maybe it was just the conditions I chose to read it in(after taking a shower and not putting on lotion). Ill read it again tomorow and see if I feel the same way

Casual Billy
July 7th, 2005, 07:31 AM
Really? Well, I guess I have some work to do before I bring it to serebii, if I bring it to serebii. Thanks for the review.

Happy Dude
July 9th, 2005, 03:08 AM
That was great honestly i've never actually read one before but you should make more.

Act
July 9th, 2005, 04:16 AM
Hello.

I figured I'd read this, for some reaosn o.o;;

I'm not too fond of the title, thouh there's nothing blaringly wrong with it. It's a little sappy. 'Goodbye, cruel world!' 'Is this be the msuic of love, play on...'

Anyway. That line at the beginning is good; it sets a mood.

Toshiba? Is that like Mitsubishi? It's some brand name, I know it. Unfortunately, it's a little KAWAII!annoying as a random kid's name.

A nice, flowing scene description would be nce here, as the scenery around this area is magnificent, with waterfalls, the river, fields, mountains. In your haste to dismember poor feebas, it seems, we forget to properly open the fic.

Why is he upset? Feebas is one of the rarest non-ledgendary pokemon in Houenn.

I think feebas is adorable, and jusging by a recent poll, so do 12 out of 15 people o.o;; It's very strange that someone would randomly shout, "NO! It's Ugly! Take it away!" Especially with pokemon like grimer and nosepass. No one looks at grimer and shouts, "My eyes! They burn!" The unlikely hood of this burns.

I'm laughing... it that bad? 'It's so **** ugly!' Heh... poor feebas. Abused. Haha.

The word 'ugly' when used 10 times in what equates to three paragraphs, becomes very annoying. Pull out a thesaurous, plese.

This bit of dialogue is a little more realistic, but I still don't see why people are throwing the feebas back. It's so difficult to catch. If it threatens to blind them with its 'ugliness', why don't they just put it in their PC?

Hell, if they don't want ti, I'll take it.

The word 'ugliness' is becoming too informal (albeit overused). It's not good to be using the same word over and over, especially one so informal, when trying to write something serious.

and not as a simple and natural reflex due to the interaction between its component polar molecules.


Because that was necessary o.o;;

We need to move to a new fishing spot; I dont want fish from a spot hosting Pokemon as ugly as these. There must be something wrong with the water.

Hahaha... hahahaha! WTF is wrong with these people? ''I can't be within 10 feet of a pokemon that's not as beautiful as I am.'' It sounds like something from Zoolander!

I still think feebas is adorable.

THIS SONG ISN'T IN TUNE TO THAT AVRIL LAVIGNE SONG! NO WAY!

That said, it's not bad. Maybe you should pick up poetry.

Is there beauty because of brokenness?

Hm, interesting concept for a one shot...

Oh, am I supposed to be reading that one shot?

At this point, especially after that pointless dialgue with the berry people, I'm looking to see where the end is. Not a good thing. Yuo keep going on and on about something a little ridiculous, and seem, to the reader, to have gone on a tangent with this berry thing. It's getting boring.

Suicide. That's random. Three people call her ugly so she kills herself? There are those who have it worse.

Huh. When you see a ten-yea-old boy (at least) pracing through a field, let me know.

Later it was discovered that Pamtre berries were the most powerful ingredient when it came to making purple pokebloks; those used for beauty enhancement.

No, it wasn't discovered later, as the boy seemingly just went to get the berry from the Berry Wife for that purpose, or so you made it seem. Consistancy much?

I like the ending, thought it took you long enough to get there.

So hm. I didn't like the fic as a whole too much. You knew where you wanted to end up, but it really seemed like you had no idea how to get there, and the ignorance and sheer childishness of the people became comical instead of pitiful. And I'd like an explanation for hwo feebas is so ugly.

JX Valentine
July 9th, 2005, 09:08 AM
I won't comment too much on your grammar, though I really have seen better. (Then again, I've seen much worse too.) If you want a detailed breakdown, I could probably give it to you, but it'll take some time. (No offense, but I usually go a bit detailed in reasons why some errors violate rules of grammar.)

In addition, I can't help but say I find Feebas to be prettier than Carvanha. But then again, that's just the character's opinion anyway. *nod*

Also, I know that most fish can't live out of water in our logical world, but I'm not so sure about the Pokemon world. Misty's Goldeen, for example, has been shown many times with her mouth out of the water.

And just a side note, but fish can just barely breathe air. If they start doing that, though, it's usually a sign that the water has a lack of oxygen.

I will comment that in certain places, you could use more paragraphs. For example, in the battle between Machoke and Linoone, you should have the trainer's speech in a separate paragraph from the action. Remember that you should start a new paragraph when the topic of the original changes. In this case, the topic of the first paragraph is that the trainer said something. In another paragraph, it would be the Machoke and Linoone's fight. You know what I mean?

Also, you misuse a semicolon when you explain that Palmtre Berries are the ingredient needed to make superior beauty Pokeblocks. It's okay, though. Semicolons are hard to master. However, just remember that a semicolon should only be used in compound sentences if it can replace the comma and a conjunction joining two different clauses or in lists if commas are used to denote things. For example:

Ash, the Pokemon trainer; May, the Pokemon coordinator; Brock, the Pokemon breeder...

Otherwise, not bad. I'd say it's an okay fic. Not the best, but not the worst. There were parts where you just sounded downright pretentious (for example, when you were rattling off random facts about reflexes and how they work), and those moments clashed a bit with the rest of the story, which was slightly toned down. My advice is to just tell it in your own voice. Avoid throwing in random facts unless they're absolutely important to the story. After all, was it absolutely necessary to know about reflexes? Nah. It just breaks the mood of the story and may turn readers away. You're the narrator, so tell the story with the sort of language you would normally use (without slang, of course).

It also seems to go off on a tangent at the end. I liked how Milotic lived (because I don't particularly do the emo/angst scene anymore), but it seems as if you're changing the theme of the story. From what I gather, you started out with "there's beauty in everything" but wound up saying "being beautiful is a curse." All I can offer as to fixing that is just remember next time that you're going into writing a story to deliver a message (either a package of scenes or an actual philosophy). Remember what that message is throughout your story.

Again, not bad, but not incredible either. Pretty average, I think.