PDA

View Full Version : The Search for Pokeos (v 1.0)


GoldYoshi
June 29th, 2005, 04:54 PM
This is my first Fanfiction, so be brutal. I love writing, but I am a beginner. Here it goes:

Chapter 1: The Beginning

The Beginning

Jeff Rylie was a 10-year old boy. He had soft though thick brown hair and he was white. His shirt was dark blue with lots of golden coins. The letters !!!!SLOT JACKPOT!!!! were written on it in red. His shorts were a combination of Darkish-green with a red tint. He had sapphire blue eyes. Jeff lived in the town of Slotts, the largest casino and slots town in Daericille, and had a huge company which ran all the slots and luck games in the Celedon, Goldenrod, and Mauville cities. The company’s name was Golden Slots Incorporated, but everyone called it ‘Slots Inc.’ Jeff’s parents ran this large company.

Ayla Saxiell was Jeff’s mother. She had blond hair and brown eyes. She determined the prizes, their cost, and the games. Since she had a lot of money, supplying the item prizes were easy. The pokemon themselves had to be caught. Durley Rylie was Jeff’s dad. He had brown eyes and black hair. He was the mechanic for Slots Inc. The machines were fixed daily so they didn’t give out free coins or more or less than the jackpot normally gave.

Jeff loved pokemon. He hoped to figure out how to win the jackpot on the machines and buy himself a pokemon. However, he wasn’t too lucky with the slots, and his town hardly had any worthwhile pokemon, and his parents needed him to help with the job. Jeff also needed to study in an Academy. In Slotts Town was a n Academy called Sally's PokeSchool. The Successors of the Yearly Pokemon Knowledge Test (YPKT) could get a Pokemon of choice at the end of the year. But unfortunately for Jeff, the Test was 4 months away. He thought he would never be a Pokemon Trainer. Until August 9, 2004, 10: 01. He came home from Sally’s PokeSchool, and it was raining heavily. He headed into his apartment. His father was watching Torchic Sudden Happens on The Impossible Network. His mother wasn’t home yet. Jeff reviewed his notes on STAB, Same Type Advantage Bonus. He wondered more about STAB when the door slammed open. Ayla stood there panting heavily with some sort of pokemon in her right arm, and she and the pokemon were soaking. All eyes were on her. “Were where you, sweetie?” asked Durley. “Give me a minute here. I have to drink something warm.” said Ayla. Durley made her some hot cocoa. Everyone sat in the kitchen, eager to hear what happened. “ Well, I was coming home from work, and I tripped over a trainer’s Geodude. I hurt my leg, so I went to the Pokemon Center. My leg was treated and healed, but I got caught in this storm. While I came home, this Porygon was lying in the middle of the road, and it looked hurt. I decided to take it home, and take care of it for a while. I thought that when it healed, we could use it as a slot prize, since we were running low on Porygon, and the nearest company making Porygons just stopped selling them. Until then, he'll have to live at our Rylie Slotts Domain. We're almost done paying the bills anyway!”

Everyone looked at the Porygon. There was Blue were Red would normally be, and Mahogany Pink was in the tip of the beak, wing, and tail areas. It’s body was oddly shiny even without light. Jeff suddenly realized what this was. “Mom, Dad, I think this is a Shining Porygon! Even The TEXTbOoK of Rare Pokemon says Pokemon can at sometimes be found with an odd color; this means it’s shiny. The chances of finding a Shiny POKEMON are 2539 to 1, so catch it however possible". “Shiny?! We could Sell it For an Increased Price, and then we shall be even richer! Can you imagine how many people will go over to the Game Corner? ” exclaimed Ayla. The Porygon suddenly buzzed and it was floating once more. It floated over to Jeff’s side and made a happy buzzing noise.” Pory! Gony Por!” said Porygon. “What did it say Jeff? You know Pokemossain, the pokemon language. ” asked Ayla. “It said ‘Thanks for finding me! I’ll be sure to aid you in pokemon battles!’”. Jeff suddenly looked at the Porygon. It made a smiling gesture wandered around the Kitchen. "Mom, can I be a Pokemon Trainer?It would really put to use all the knowledge I got in Sally's PokeSchool, and I think I can handle it." Ayla looked at Durley and went into their room.

"So, what moves do you have, Porygon?" "Well, I think I have Conversion, Tackle, and Conversion 2." Conversion and Conversion 2 are useful moves, and tackle gains STAB from Porygon's normal type.

Suddenly Jeff's parents walked in holding a copy of The Endangered Encounters. " Jeff, we would normally let you go, seeing as it would really be stupid putting all the knowledge you have gained in School to waste, but there's just two problems. There have been sightings of some Porygon disappearing, and they have been said to be real. Will you be careful with your Porygon and not let it disappear?" said Jeff's mom, holding up the paper. "Are you sure you want to depend on Porygon?" " Porygon>:(" said Porygon, looking offended. " Yes, Mom." he said. " The other Problem is you don't have a license yet, but as one of the most powerful figures in Slotts, maybe we could fix that. Well, I guess you'll be careful, right? And you'll obviously have other Pokemon. I guess you can go. Just take this Pokegear I bought because I knew someday you'd want to be a trainer."

Jeff looked back at his apartment as his parents bid him goodbye and they had tears in their eyes. He wouldn't be back for a looong time so he wanted to a good last view. He would head off to Aved City and take on the Gym there, because he wanted Porygon to be as strong as possible.

Route 340, the Route from Slotts leading to Aved City. Because Jeff had no Pokeballs to hold Porygon in, Porygon had to float besides Jeff. He hoped to one day see Legendary Pokemon, because they are all so majestic and amazing. Jeff had high hopes in becoming a successful trainer.

______________________________________________________

I own Jeff, Slotts City, Slots Inc, Sally's Pokeschool, Jeff's mom and dad, and the newspaper. I like The Quest for the legends.

Oh, and Jeff doesn't drop out of School. Every night, the teacher sends him the lesson they're studying so he can read it. I just don't post it because it pretty much doesn't contribute to the plot.
-----
What do you think?

Ionem
June 29th, 2005, 07:38 PM
This is my first Fanfiction, so be brutal.

I see that and smile. Means I can go crazy and give you one of my trademark, in-depth criticisms. I do these as I go along, so forgive me if you mention something later on in the story that I bring up.

Brace yourself. I have some experience doing these on other fourms. This is my first one here.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

The Beginning

Why repeat it? Leave it at "Chapter1: The Beginning." And while your at it, go ahead and bold the chapter title. We're on forums, it's easy, and it makes it stand out more and look more professional. :)

Jeff Rylie was a 10-year old boy. He had...

This is no, and I means absolutely no way to start a story. Starting off with a description of the main character is cheesy, overdone, and a sign that this isn't very well thought out, like you just rushed because you wanted to write a story. Take your time, nobody's rushing you. Think of a good way to start.

For example, my story starts with "Sundays were Jake's favorite days." Even though it's not my best, it works, especially when you take into accoutn where the est of the paragraphs goes. It talks about why he likes Sundays. It doesn't even talk about Jake himself. A description of him isn't even written until later on (which I haven't gotten to yet, I'm not even done with the prologue. It's not posted yet). Also, there's no reason for you to throw in his last name like that. It doesn't hurt any, like the sted description does, but it gives almost too much of an introductory feeling. Sometimes beginnings need to just throw you into the story.

I also get the feeling that your name is Jeff. Whether it is or not, I'd really advise you pick a different name. There's nothing wrong with Jeff (there's nothing wrong with any names, really), but it doesn't seem to suit a main character. You should look up a rare but real name. I'd advise you google for a census generator or something like that. It generates names based off the last USA population census (2000).

He had soft though thick brown hair and he was white. His shirt was dark blue with lots of golden coins. The letters !!!!SLOT JACKPOT!!!! were written on it in red. His shorts were a combination of Darkish-green with a red tint. He had sapphire blue eyes.

Like I was saying, bad. If you really needed the urge to describe him and his clothing, don't just give me a list. Here's the golden rule of writing fiction, one I know you must've heard before: show, don't tell. Seriously. Show it. Here's a quick example.

He ran his hand through his soft brown hair and looked at his reflection in the mirror. A scowl crept across his features when he saw his own unkempt appearance. Jeff shrugged and reached for his favorite shirt, which was hanging over the foot of his bed. Tugging it on over his thin pale frame, he began to felt immediately better. Dark blue and studded with coins, and with the phrase "slot jackpot" emblazoned on it in bright red ink, how could he not feel lucky?

See what I mean? I hope that teaches you something about describing clothing. Then again, the character looking at himself in the mirror is a way-overrused way of describing him. Seriously. I only use it for a quick example because I don't want to spend all night thinking of a better way. And yes, it is certainly possible to spend all night thinking of a creative way to show how a character looks and dresses.

Jeff lived in the town of Slotts, the largest casino and slots town in Daericille, and had a huge company which ran all the slots and luck games in the Celedon, Goldenrod, and Mauville cities. The companys name was Golden Slots Incorporated, but everyone called it Slots Inc. Jeffs parents ran this large company.

Again, show, don't tell. I think this would be a great way to introduce his parents as characters. Have him talk to his parents. Perhaps his father could complain about problems the chain is having in Mauville, and then his mother could reassure him by reminding him that there were similar problems in Celadon, but everything turned okay in the end. That way, it would not only show that his parents owned the company, and not just that the company was worlwide, but it would also give insight into the personalities of his parents.

Ayla Saxiell was Jeffs mother. She had blond hair and brown eyes. She determined the prizes, their cost, and the games. Since she had a lot of money, supplying the item prizes were easy. The pokemon themselves had to be caught. Durley Rylie was Jeffs dad. He had brown eyes and black hair. He was the mechanic for Slots Inc. The machines were fixed daily so they didnt give out free coins or more or less than the jackpot normally gave.

Again, the descriptions are stale and seem scripted (as in, something somebody'd write in a script so the costume department knows what they're doing, but it has no impact on the story.

This also brings up a question. Jeff's mother's job makes sense. They run the company, so it makes sense that she would be the one to set the prizes and costs and so on. But his father's job makes no sense whatsoever. If they own the company, why is he a lowly minimum-wage mechanic? And if he has to fix the machines daily, in cities all over the world, then that's 100% and more or his life devoted to travel. Makes no sense for anybody to take on that job, especially if he runs the company. Perhaps he oversees the scheduling of maintenance and preformance testing. That makes a lot more sense.

Jeff loved pokemon. He hoped to figure out how to win the jackpot on the machines and buy himself a pokemon. However, he wasnt too lucky with the slots, and his town hardly had any worthwhile pokemon...

Again, show all this.

Jeff silently cursed the company though, despite the huge impact it had on his life. He loved pokmon, and had high hopes of being a trainer, but the Slots company seemed to battle that ambition down at every turn. The slots all seemed to work against him, never giving him more than ten bucks. Even if he was able to win a jackpot, the selection at the town slots wasn't the best. He wished that he ad Goldenrod or Celadon's selection. He blamed his mother for that. It was her job to handle the pokmon stock prizes, and she did a good job of it for the most part, but she and his father both tended to be away more than at home, fixing up a game corner in another town. It was as if the one at home was less priority. Which, in a way, it was. It was only built for the local residents, anyway. It was far smaller than any of the others in the larger cities and never really brought in a great amount of money to the company.

Jeff also needed to study in an Academy. In Slotts Town was a n Academy called Sally's PokeSchool. The Successors of the Yearly Pokemon Knowledge Test (YPKT) could get a Pokemon of choice at the end of the year. But unfortunately for Jeff, the Test was 4 months away. He thought he would never be a Pokemon Trainer.

This, too, could be changed completely. I won't write out my version of this part, though, to save myself some time tonight, but the whole thing just seems like blah, blah, blah. Description, exposition, and too much of it. And it's boring, too. My favorite way of putting this into "show, don't tell" form is through dialogue. Perhaps have Jess and another student at the school complaining that the test was still so far away. You could put in a pretty brief conversation, and it would still be longer than this, and it would give all the information here, but in a far more interesting way. To tell the truth, it's boring as it is, like reading a history textbook.

Until August 9, 2004, 10: 01. He came home from Sallys PokeSchool, and it was raining heavily.

First off, the date and time are inconsequential. Nobody cares, and nobody will remember it.

Until one summer night. It was darker than a usual night, but perhaps that was because Jess was leaving from school so late. It was raining heavily, and soaked him to the shorts.

Also, this is where the story begins yet you have it hidden away in a paragraph giving background about the academy. Why? This is important (in fact, everything before this could be completely cut out of the story and it might even make it better)! Don't be afraid to make new paragraphs.

He headed into his apartment.

Apartment my ***. If his parents really run the Slots company, they'd be filthy rich, and at least live in a nice house.

Jeff reviewed his notes on STAB, Same Type Advantage Bonus.

Don't use acronyms in narration. In dialogue, it's perfectly okay. But in the story part, take out the "STAB". I'd also suggest (as in do it) that you don't capitalize the first letters of "same type attack bonus". It's pointless, really, especially since it's not a proper noun.

He wondered more about STAB when the door slammed open.

Where is he? I read on a bit more from this part and found myself confused. To go studying, one would typically go someplace quiet. However, when his mother bursts into the house, it seems as if tey're all in the same room. Why would he study where his father is watching TV? I'd suggest that you spend some time with action here, showing where he goes, what he does, where he is when things happen, etc.

...and she and the pokemon were soaking.

"Soaking wet." "Soaking" by itself is a verb, with the "wet" at the end, you're using it how you mean to.

Were where you, sweetie? asked Durley.

I sincerely hope that you switched "were" and "where" by accident.

Other than that, ALWAYS START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER BEGINS SPEAKING, even if it's only one or two words.

Give me a minute here. I have to drink something warm. said Ayla.

That period should be a comma. "...something warm," said Ayla." Other than that, your punctuation's prety good. Better than I've seen in a lot of stories.

But still...ALWAYS START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER BEGINS SPEAKING, even if it's only one or two words.

Well, I was coming home from work...

ALWAYS START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER BEGINS SPEAKING, even if it's only one or two words.

Okay, from now on I'm toning it down. One, because it's getting late and I'm tired, and two, because I think you can understand most of that I'm saying. I may jump around, and not get to every sentence. Lol.

Everyone looked at the Porygon. There was Blue were Red would normally be, and Mahogany Pink was in the tip of the beak, wing, and tail areas. Its body was oddly shiny even without light. Jeff suddenly realized what this was.

That's better than before. You're showing. Can you tell the difference? You described the Porygon's colors in the context of the story, instead of just saying it. Good.

...Even The TEXTbOoK of Rare Pokemon says Pokemon can at sometimes...

WTF @ "textbook"? You should proofread the story better for typos like that. Also, "sometimes" in the sense that you have it would be two words, "some times".

...2539 to 1...

Spell out words less than a hundred. Three digits are more are okay for numbers. Two digits and less you should spell out. I didn't make up the rule, it's common courtesy I think. :\

Shiny?! We could Sell it For an Increased Price, and then we shall be even richer! Can you imagine how many people will go over to the Game Corner? exclaimed Ayla.

Pory! Gony Por! said Porygon.

What did it say Jeff? You know Pokemossain, the pokemon language. asked Ayla.

It said Thanks for finding me! Ill be sure to aid you in pokemon battles!

"Mom, can I be a Pokemon Trainer?...

ALWAYS START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER BEGINS SPEAKING, even if it's only one or two words or a pokmon.

"Porygon>:(" said Porygon...

Don't use emoticons in writing.

Oh, and in case I haven't said yet, ALWAYS START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER BEGINS SPEAKING.

Also, why is Jeff leaving home in the middle of the night when it's raining? Wouldn't he wait until morning? Or did you say that and I just missed it?

Remember to make large passages of time important and noticeable. At the very least, put "the next morning" at the beginning or a new paragraph to make sure that the reader catches it.

Okay, I think I'm done for now.

My overview is simple.

This is good, despite all the **** I'm making you read about this. You asked me to be brutal, and I was. And I sincerely hope that you use this. I'm not spending an hour of my life for nothing, so read what I'm writing and use it to better yourself.

This could go somewhere good. I like the start, and I like the idea of having Porygon as a starter. Work on the things I talked about, and keep writing. Don't give up, this has potential.

I'll be waiting for chapter two.

GoldYoshi
June 30th, 2005, 08:03 AM
Thank you. Remeber, I started this one year ago, and I have over 20 chapters on my blog. I think I better revise this a bit...

Oh, and Porygon is my favorite Pokemon. Why else woould it be a starter?

I will revise it soon.