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View Full Version : Black Pyjamas: Death hunts Kaeron


Usohachii_Pot
July 9th, 2005, 11:05 AM
The man walked through the dark streets of Necroma, hunting his prey. He clutched his scythe tightly as he went, confident this time he would catch him. The 'prey' in question was Kaeron, the wielder of the Fire Spear, and he was also the man's greatest enemy yet. The man saw Kaeron. ''Your time is long overdue.'' ''Grim Reaper, what a surprise.''

Kaeron twirled his spear and held it out in front of him. He burst into flames, but this didn't hurt him as he was the wielder of the spear. The man, revealing himself to be Death, pulled down his hood. His long silver hair swayed in the wind. Kaeron shot a few balls of fire at Death, but Death closed his eyes and a shadow appeared in fron of him to take the attack.

''Hmm, not bad.'' Kaeron jumped into the air and brought his spear down to hit Death. In defense, Death blocked it with the hilt of his scythe and slashed Kaeron round the stomach.

''Agh!'' Kaeron fell backwards to the ground, his midriff smeared with blood. ''Now, you're mine. Death raised his scythe above him, but a woman jumped down from a roof behind him, picked up Kaeron, and flew off. ''**** it.''


I am offering no explanation for this. Unless, of course, you ask.
(By the way, I own all things Black Pyjamas related, so if you wish to use a character in a roleplay or something, ask me first.)

Kyosuke
July 15th, 2005, 05:51 PM
Its hard to really know what is really going on.. because I can understand starting off your story to catch the readers attention, but you don't provide any sort of explanation afterwards to why the fight is taking place.

What would have been a better idea would be to start it off the way you started it, but after all the action takes place, provide some sort of explanation to the reasoning... it would have made this much better.

But nice attempt ^^

Chase Leader
July 15th, 2005, 09:21 PM
Its hard to really know what is really going on.. because I can understand starting off your story to cacth the readers attention, but you don't provide any sort of explanation afterwards to why the fight is taking place.

What would have been a better idea would be to start it off the ay you started it off, but after all the action takes place out some sort of explanation to the reasoning... it would have made this much better.

But nice attempt ^^
Yes it was a nice attempt, however it had really no intro or why anything was happening, and your sentences weren't all that descriptive, like "the man" Keep working at it though...you will soon find out if not already that literature is harshly critiqued.