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oni flygon
July 15th, 2005, 09:45 PM
Just a little poem I wrote... also a song...

Well, it's the first time I've been writing a song so yeah.

Fake

A crowd dressed in black,
They wonder what they lack.
A blade stained red
With the crimson they shed.

White makeup, eyeliner and black lipstick;
They try to make themselves look sick.
Asking unimportant questions,
And sometimes self-inflictions.

A fool regretting his mistake;
Dont they know theyre so fake?
Salty tears dripping from eyes
Caused by bittersweet feeling of their vice.

Finding the answer in the stars,
Wont hide the feeling in your scars.
When you thought no one was there,
I was always trying to care.

A girl with red and black bands
Trying to hide the scars near her hands.
She waits for her true lover,
But she knows she cant wait forever.

A boy falls in love
With a broken-wingd dove.
He did his best to help and he tried
But the dove wished she had died.

~*~*~*~

If you're curious about the song, here are the chords:

Stanza 1

E_______________Am
A crowd dressed in black,
Fmaj7_______________G
They wonder what they lack.
E____________Am
A blade stained red
Fmaj7_____________G
With the crimson they shed.

Stanza 2

E_______________Am
A fool regretting his mistake;
Fmaj7_________________G
Dont they know theyre so fake?
E___________________Am
Salty tears dripping from eyes
Fmaj7______________G
Caused by bittersweet feeling of their vice.

Chorus

C_____________________G
Finding the answer in the stars,
A________________________Em
Wont hide the feeling in your scars.
C_______________________G
When you thought no one was there,
A__________________Em
I was always trying to care.

Stanza 3

E__________________Am
A girl with red and black bands
Fmaj7____________________G
Trying to hide the scars near her hands.
E__________________Am
She waits for her true lover,
Fmaj7___________________G
But she knows she cant wait forever.

Stanza 4

E_______________Am
A boy falls in love
Fmaj7_______________G
With a broken-wingd dove.
E_____________________Am
He did his best to help and he tried
Fmaj7_________________G
But the dove wished she had died.

Chorus

Interlude (hit only strings 4, 5, and 6 for F#)

F# G F# A F# G A

Chorus

F# G A

~*~*~*~

So what do you guys think of it?

Chase Leader
July 15th, 2005, 09:55 PM
Your a poet and you know it.
Well, poems shouldn't always rhym, although the message is clear try and focus a little less on detail and a little more on emotion. Keep trying, it wasn't bad just not good.

Oh yeah loved the last stanza.

oni flygon
July 16th, 2005, 09:45 AM
Thanks for reading! Gladly appreciate your comments!

But yeah... this is sorta semi-inspired from the song "Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" ... kind of an emotionless rant on society ... I wanted to copy that feel so it's more like an emotionless story telling... I don't really know if I captured that, though...

digi-kun
July 17th, 2005, 11:56 PM
if you manage to get that into a song gotta post it up here XD
ah well, it was ok like all your other poems...the rythm's getting better though XD