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Cybex Mewtwo
November 16th, 2005, 09:06 AM
Forbidden romance
despite all that has occured
two people loved eachother
and the people around them heard

much joy was celebrated
much joy had been seen
but to one of them there was something worse
that would make its' way in between

An evil force
was lost in the dark
never knew of this love
"This cannot be!" it would bark

one day while they were together
the dark force arrived
silenced the romance they had
and soon those two were deprived

they could no longer talk
or see eachother again
the evil force had done the task
but something happened then.

the love between them
was far to strong
for the dark force to break and thus
the force had done absolutely nothing wrong

the two still remain together
to this day and forever more
a love so very strong
from he land to the ocean shore.

.-'Infernal Hylian'-.
November 16th, 2005, 10:11 AM
cool like the seperation i like it great job.

Kyosuke
November 16th, 2005, 04:57 PM
I haven't really been on PC for a while... so your poem better be good!.. just kidding man.. XD

Anywho.. it was really enjoyable to read it seems that two people are deeply in love and these "dark forces" appear to be the people and things around them who might or already do disapprove of it, something everyone can relate to at some point in life or another which make this even better ^^'

Your whole structure was well done for this type of poetry, but to be a stickler, it would be better to capitalize at the beginning of each stanza, and I did notice a slight mistake at the beginning:

"Forbidden romance
despite all that has occured
two people loved eachother
and the people around them heard"

and at the end:

the two still remain together
to this day and forever more
a love so very strong
from he land to the ocean shore.

Overall though, nicely done ^^

Hinoshi-chan
November 16th, 2005, 05:00 PM
-.- very nice Cy, Very nice...It has alot of meaningfull Things to it, youre really talented you know...you should keep this up, im still a fan of youre great ideas....no I wonder were you get youre inspiriations from

~Ozy~
November 16th, 2005, 06:19 PM
I have a slight problem with the second-to-last stanza, the way the last two lines are phrased causes a slight interruption in the flow of the piece as a whole. Methinks it would be better with an approximate rhyme, reading:

the love between them
was far to strong
for the dark force to break and so
it had done them no harm

Or, if you insist on perfect rhyme:

the love between them
was far to strong
for the dark force to break and so
it had done them no wrong

On the whole, though, very very good. You definately show improvement.