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Shadow Umbreon
November 16th, 2005, 06:04 PM
Well I thought I would try out some poetry:

Make Up Your Mind
You say you love me
But show me dislike
You ask for my help
Then push me away
Make up your mind
You offer a gesture
But pull back your hand
You give me a compliment
But then turn to hate
Just choose a side
Make up your mind

(PS: Poem is obviously free verse)

~Ozy~
November 16th, 2005, 06:15 PM
Obviously. The main problem here is still word choice, though. free verse isn't an excuse for poor word choice. You conjure no images for me, no powerful language that gives the remotest pull on the heartstrings. Thoroughly bland and unemotional. Stronger language would make this worth reading.

Shadow Umbreon
November 16th, 2005, 06:35 PM
How about this one:

Regret
Regret for not doing anything
Anything I wanted to do
I need to get off my @ss
And live the way I should
Regret is what I am feeling
Feeling sorry for myeslef
I want to be a "somebody" so bad
But I dont know what it is
I regret not trying
In all the things I do
I wish I could go back in time
To fix the things I blew
I know that time cant go back
But I still have the future in mind
I want to be a better person for now
And live while I have time

~Ozy~
November 17th, 2005, 06:11 AM
Same exact problem. No figurative speech, no allusion, no metaphor. The wording itself lacks creativity. Just bland, through and through.

Shadow Umbreon
November 17th, 2005, 02:42 PM
Poetry really isn't my thing thought, I am more of a songwriter:

Song about breaking up with someone unfaithful
Now forget about that poetic crap..tell me if you would enjoy this as a song...to listen to...

I Finally Realize

I realize that your not the one
I cannot believe what you have done
Tell me what did you see
What did you see inside of me

Goodbye for good
I knew you would
Leave forever
Goodbye for good
I thought I could
Hold us together

I realize that I was so blind
Now all of it I leave behind
Tell me that it was not my fault
Or the reason for your assault

Goodbye for good
I knew you would
Leave forever
Goodbye for good
I thought I could
Hold us together

I realize what you've done to me
You've filled my head with insanity
Tell me what was your point of view
What was it that I saw in you

You broke my heart into pieces
This is was the final straw
You thought we could get past this
I guess you were wrong

Goodbye for good
I knew you would
Leave forever
Goodbye for good
I thought I could
Hold us together

Oblivion Edgegirl Ayu
November 17th, 2005, 04:07 PM
Your poems are really good! They really speak to me... *sniffles*

Shadow Umbreon
November 17th, 2005, 05:44 PM
Thanks I really am glad that someone appreciates my work. ^^

Here is another poem

My love for you is just like fire
You felt nothing for me at all
All I have for you is desire
But you shield yourself like a wall
I fight with all my might to break
But your emptiness brings me despair
This is about as much I can take
We seem to move nowhere
As my fire grows to great heights
Your feelings grow colder than ice
You can't tell me that this is right
It isn't just a roll of the dice
You will never have love for me
I will just have to open my eyes and see